For those of you who have read and responded to my past posts, I have been basically in Plan A since January when she left and was about to go to plan B when this happened.
My wife called and said that she will come back to the relationship. She said that she will make it work. She told me that she has been miserable since she left for a lot of reasons, the kids, financial, believes that I really love her, but said that she is not coming back with open arms madly in love with me. She said that she wants the kids raised with both of us together and not living in seperate houses going back and forth. She said that she knows she can give me what I need but is unsure that I can give her what she really needs emotionally which is why she originally left. She again expressed her fears about us not working out. She said that she is frightened about how different I am from before ie; more attentive, less concerened about the small stuff in life and it frightens her because she is not used to it. She also said that there are a lot of issues with the other guy and that she does not see him long term in her future. and has already told him that she will probably come back to me. She further said that she has feelings for him and said that will make it hard but that she knows that some of those feelings are the newness of that relationship. She said that she will cut all contact and remain faithful. He is upset and said that he will move away which is even better.
She also reminded me of all of the reasons she orginally left and that she is still resentful that she felt she had to leave and why didn't I fix things before she left. She said that her intention was to never look back but that she did not realize how I felt about her. She said that she cannot give me 100% in this like I can for her but that she will try.
She told her friend all of this in a more positive light, talking about my changes that she sees, that I can probably give her what she needs now, and the specific negative aspects of the other guy and called him an escape. She said that she realizes their relationship is not a reality in long term everyday life..
I don't feel very happy about this because she does not seem really enthusiatstic towards me about it. Is she just afraid to let her guard down to me along with fearing it won't work? Do you guys feel that she would really come back if she didn't want to for herself too, based on my past posts. Is this a form of pride protection for her since she made a big descision a few months ago and is not reversing it? As much as I wanted this, I feel uncomfortable about the way she is speaking to me about it. I'm not sure if this is a normal way that reconciliation begins?

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: now what ]</small>

Now What...

You know the saying "Looking a gift horse in the mouth"? Well...what were you doing Plan A for? To get her back and to get her to cancel all contact with OM so you could both work on your marriage.

So here is what I heard you just said:

A: You wife wants to move back in with you.
B: The wife is willing to work on marriage.
C: The wife will cease all contact with OM (in fact, he may move away).

Guy...you ARE WINNING! You have shown her you can change, you have shown her you are the better man! You have shown her your love. But how can a few months of Plan A make up for the years before. It takes TIME for her to trust these changes are permanent and for her to fully commit. Give it that time! Set your boundaries with her, but if she agrees let her move back in. And LOVE HER like you have been, but be the man you have become. Work as hard as you can on the marriage, and let her work as hard as she can (that may not be that hard to begin with). Don't LB! Build up the love bank and her love will come back, better than before.

Congratulations...you are on your way to being a SUCCESS story...which is what you wanted, right? Don't take it so hard what you don't have yet...you can still get it. Just praise and thank GOD for what you DO have and ARE GOING to have!

I understand everything that you said and realize that I may be taking this very good news inappropriately. I just worry that she seems to not truly want this and is approaching this with one foot in the grave so to speak. I just need to move forward and work to bring her with me.

NW your W is probably trying to be as honest as she can regarding her feelings and does not want to set you up for an emotional fall. But, should you allow her to come back so easily and without any prerequisite? I don't think so. You too have to be honest with her and admit to her how you do not trust her and that you do not want to have her come back only to find out that all her talk was just that, talk (false recovery). Let her know that it would be very hard for the children, to get their hopes up high only to have them crash down if she were to leave once more. Insist that before she can come back, that the two of you start following Dr Harley's Basic Concepts AND The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage BEFORE SHE IS ALLOWED TO RETURN . If she was truthful in her desire and willingness to rebuild the M, then she has to understand that she is going to have to back up her words with deeds. This will be the real acid test that she is going to have to pass.

And just to let you know that what I said in my previous post is NOT just my unprofessional, layman opinion, here's a post from Cerri (a certified MB coach, and founder of Save Your Marriage Central ) to StillHereMakingIt in her thread titled Is it fair to ask for terms to return home from FWH after Plan B??? .

<small>[ June 26, 2003, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Well, the advice you got above is right on the money!

EVERYTHING that you stated that your wife said, mine has said to me. even three months since she came home, she is still saying many of these things. From what I gather, this is all normal. even three months into NC with the OM, my wife is still grieving the loss of that relationship. while it doesnt make me feel good, I have to accept that this is part of the process. As was stated before...YOU ARE WINNING!

I have heard that it can take three times as long as the affair lasted for things to really settle down and be in the past. especially my wife's feelings towards the OM. In my case, that is about 4 years that I have to endure. Now, maybe it will be less than that. I dont know. I do know that as we move further away from all of this, the easier it will get.

So, you are doing well. This is a journey she has to take, and you really cannot help her. Except in being there, and dont LB.

In His arms.

Thank You.

Now What-

As a former WP (Wasn't married)I want to give you my point of view.

Your W left the R because she had reached what was in her mind - a breaking point. She needed you too much to let go fully, but needed the OM too much to set herself free. She struggled through her confusion and made a choice. You!

Of course she is going to feel nervous, cautious, fearful, and doubtful. Same as you. That's because Plan-A worked, but she doesn't trust that those changes are real. Additionally, the problems in your Marriage weren't really addressed so she is terrified of falling back into that trap again. Trust me - I went through this.

To take that leap of faith is the hardest thing a WS can do because it means admitting to yourself all of your faults. Accepting what you dished out and having to face the damage that you caused. It means giving up the one security blanket that you have to hold onto and really standing firmly on your own two feet because ther's no guarantee that your spouse will accept you.

It takes time to tear down the walls and let go of the fear. You've worked on you now for a period of time. She's just beginning.

God you're so lucky....I lost everything because I waited to long to trust.

It's real. Let go and trust in God.

Best of luck.

star*bump

now what's new post:

talked with wife and she said that she will come back to me "If I want her to." She said that she will do it only for the sake of the kids, because I am so upset about all of this and all of the other issues that go along with the break up of a family. Not because she wants to be with me. She was very negative about all of it and said that it will take a long time for her to feel safe (emotionally) with me and that she feels that I will let her down again. She seems so certain that it will not work. I want this chance to show to her myself but she certainly does not want to. I really don't know what to do. It seems wrong for her to come back with those thoughts and feelings. I am so confused and torn.

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

now what,

I have to agree with you that having her home with no real commitment to rebuild your marriage is probably premature. The temptation will be to take her at any cost, so that you have the opportunity to show her first hand that the changes in you are real...but I think that's a mistake. There are conditions that she should meet to return home....otherwise....you will be setting things up for failure. She isn't ready.

talked with wife and she said that she will come back to me "If I want her to."

This is FOG babble for “I don’t want to take responsibility for any decision so I’m putting it in your court. Whatever happens is your fault.”

She said that she will do this only for the sake of the kids, because I am so upset about all of this and all of the other issues that go along with the break up of a family.

Doesn’t matter why, she’s making excuses. I’m upset about that too. That doesn’t mean that X will take me back. My thoughts are that as long as you set your foot down and establish the terms –

POJA, NC letter, MC, IC and whatever other terms you deem necessary-

Then as long as she is willing to commit to it, you have a chance once withdrawal ends.

Not because she wants to be with me.

Fog talk. If she didn’t WANT to be with you, she wouldn’t be communicating with you. Also your insecurity because you’re sticking your neck out blindly and praying that she will not cut it off with an axe. My bet is that she is depressed, withdrawn, and hopeless. All of this can change with a good therapist, some medications, and a lot of love and support from her spouse. She needs you. You just can’t see it. I can. I’ve been there.

She was very negative about all of it and said that it will take a long time for her to feel safe (emotionally) with me and that she feels that I will let her down again.

Normal feelings. I mentioned yesterday how much of a leap of faith one has to take in order to face your fears. This is what she is telling you:
She does want to come home. She doesn’t want to commit to the marriage because she is afraid to hurt you, herself, and the kids again. She thinks that she can stay detached and feel the situation out to see if your changes are the real deal. She is lost and needs to feel safe around you in order to find herself again.

She seems so certain that it will not work. I want this chance to show to her myself but she certainly does not want to. I really don't know what to do. It seems wrong for her to come back with those thoughts and feelings. I am so confused and torn.

Figure out what you want. Right now, YOU are on a fence. Either commit to trying, or cut her loose. She’s crying for help here. Personally, I begged on my hands and knees for this chance…and I was turned away. You committed to her for good times and bad. Are you going to run away because the times are tough? Do you want to be a single dad? Let me tell you, it SUCKS picking your child up at the local 7-eleven. It sucks wanting to go to the park as a family and knowing you can’t because you’ve split. It hurts to hear the pain of your 6 year old as he rages because he’s lost so much.

You have the power right now to prevent it. You just have to come up with a plan, state your terms, and stick to it.

Good Luck.

star*fish,

Thanks for the bump.

Kily,

Thank you for perspective as you have been where my wife is. I need your insight and thoughts.

Any time-

That is why I am here. Any time you have a question feel free. I tell everyone it's my way of giving back. If I can help one person and give them some comfort, I benefit ten fold.

Well she called today and we were having a nice conversation. Things turned to R talk and she said that she cannot come back unless she can give 100% which she says that she cannot do. She said that she would be coming back for all of the wrong reasons which would be unfair to herself and I. She said that she cares for me wants me to be a part of her life but not as her partner. She claimed that her relationship with the OP has nothing to do with this. I became emotional and she told me that she is not worth it. I cannot take this anymore and ended the conversation very emotionally (crying), told her that since she made her descision, to leave me alone.
I cannot take this pain any longer, I guess that I should send a plan B letter now, although I have verbally told her what I would write. It's just that a part of me does not want to give her anymore sense of power I guess. I feel like I need to take some power because it seems as long as she knows I'm waiting around for her she will never do anything to come towards me. You know the old saying, the one who cares the least in a relationship seems to prevail.

I also should add that she told her best friend as recently as yesterday morning that she was coming back to me and supposedly told OP that she was probably coming back to me. During the conversation I mentioned above, she did say that she goes back and forth everyday on what she should do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also should add that she told her best friend as recently as yesterday morning that she was coming back to me and supposedly told OP that she was probably coming back to me. During the conversation I mentioned above, she did say that she goes back and forth everyday on what she should do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like it may be time for Plan B.

^^^bump^^^

Well my wife has changed her mind and does not want to come back right now and says that I have pushed her too much to do that at this time. She said that if I had just left her alone to sort things out she probably would have returned by now. I had a hard time doing that knowing she had a relationship with someone else. It is not right or fair but I guess life is not fair. She did say that she wants to attend counseling with me with no particular goal in mind, "just to see what happens" She said that maybe she will get a revelation from it or learn something. I guess it couldn't hurt could it?

Anyone, how do I update the title of the same post (IE; change the title to "Update, please read" or "New Developments")but keep all of the replies going from the opriginal post etc...?