No-

Do it sepperately.

It will accomplish two things-
1. avoiding the scenario above.
2. reinforce the reality of Plan-B in her eyes.

Go for a walk and cry it out. This will pass and you'll be stronger for it.

I nwo it feels awful right now, but it WILL get better. I meant every word I said to you in that email and I think that the sale of the house will only speed the effect of Plan-b up.
In a way, it is a blessing in disguise because the reality check is going to hurt her bad.

Hugs man-

I just called her friend and told her how I feel. She said that I should call her and let her know. The friend said that she is upset that we have had no contact and was depressed about the emotional content of the Plan B letter.

She was talking more about going to counseling on her own to figure things out and that she was still "messed up" from the first counseling session. That she is realizing things from a different perspective. I want to call her so badly.

If you WANT your wife back- Do not make that call! Wait for HER call. Please trust me on this...

Also, from a few posts ago when I mentioned how she saw my friends out the other night. She told her friend that triggered something in her and that she later "snapped" on OM about his past behavior (divorced twice, both for adultery) including cheating on his 2nd wife just before their wedding and then continuing it after their marriage which resulted in the divorce. And how he(according to him) supposedly loved her (2nd wife) so much that it took him 4 years to get over her. My wife asked him how does she know he won't do it to her etc...

Her friend thinks that I should call her because of the out of sit out of mind factor.I haven't called yet and am feeling better but I still feel like I should call.

Also, from a few posts ago when I mentioned how she saw my friends out the other night. She told her friend that triggered something in her and that she later "snapped" on OM about his past behavior (divorced twice, both for adultery) including cheating on his 2nd wife just before their wedding and then continuing it after their marriage which resulted in the divorce. And how he(according to him) supposedly loved her (2nd wife) so much that it took him 4 years to get over her. My wife asked him how does she know he won't do it to her etc...

Her friend thinks that I should call her because of the out of site out of mind factor.I haven't called yet and am feeling better but I still feel like I should call.

I hear you Kily. I won't call. What do you think that she is feeling /thinking based on my last 2 posts?

I'm sure that I don't have to say this but when I say the last 2 posts, skip one of the repeated ones and go back one more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

now_what,

Kily is right. This is exactly what your wife needs. You wrote the letter setting your boundaries, stick to them. Let her pick up the pieces this time. Sounds like your W is starting to see a little clearer. You really can't speed up that process but you can slow it down. I know it is hard not to reach out to her when you see some hope but don't do it. That plan B letter is more for you than it was for her.

God Bless

NW-

I think that she is teetering on the fence and that she's leaning in your direction. She's startign to question things. Very excellent move. Now, it's crucial that you don't contact her now becuase she needs something to knock her off the fence.

See, she's starting to recognize that her fantasy world isn't real. Just as this happens, you are showing her what life without you will be like. She will become fearful of loosing you and when the old behaviors and patterns aren't working, she will have to get off the fence.

Enough said-

Plan_B is working!

NW,

Listen to the ladies. Tell your W's friend what the plan b letter means. OM must be out of the picture and then YOU can and will talk to W if she wants to. It is all contingent on the OM and his relationship with W.

Explain to friend, there is no way you will address marriage issue with OM in the picture. It is like arguing temperence with a drunkin man. It won't work.

Then do what the ladies say.

God Bless,

JL

Well I did NOT call her. She did call me late in the afternoon on my cell phone but did not leave a message and I did not answer. Probably because I never returned the original call. I wonder what will happen next. Thanks for everyone's input. It gave me strength.
now what

She didn't leave a message because she wants to talk to you. This is the longest you've gone without calling her - right?

Reality is starting to sink in.

You have mail.

Kily,

Yes it is the longest ever without calling. I received your mail. Thanks.

NW

NW-

If you haven't sent a copy of Plan-B letter to OM you need to. I brought this up here so that you can get feedback from others here.

Personally, I think it will speed up your W's withdrawal and force her from her FOG more rapidly.

<small>[ July 17, 2003, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,
WS told me that OW insists that she is his true love, the only woman he has ever loved.

I have a card he sent me, dated 1999, in which he has pasted a picture of us together and the card says "I Love Everything About You". I was thinking of sending it in the mail to the OW.

What do you think?

Hey Mim,

Enclosed with that last letter I sent to OW, that sent WH off the anger charts!!, I also enclosed a photocopy of a note he sent to me within the last year, "I love you more everyday"! I attached a note that said, well I guess if he was lying to me, he could be lying to you!!

Not sure if was the letter that pissed him off so much, or the note, or the "other" stuff, regarding infidelity, effects on children, etc.!

I can only suspect that he was that angry (yelling, swearing, called my friend and did the same to her!) because there was some trouble in "Paradise" as a result!! I can only hope!!

It may get your WH angry (LB?), but it may put doubt into OW?

Mimi,

I would not do that for the reasons Kily gave you on your thread and because I think that it will cause touble but not in a positive way for you. It will give them both something negative to focus on, YOU, and you especially do not want WH feeling that way right now.

now what

The key with sending a Plan B letter is that you need to make it as kind and loving as possible. There's a 99% chance that when you send the PB letter to your spouse, and ESPECIALLY when you send it to others (family members, the OP, etc) that your spouse will get even MORE upset with you. Initially. I've seen it happen over and over. It happened with me as well.

But the point is that if the Plan B letter is loving, and speaks the truth, and your true heart, there is really nothing they have the right to be angry about. It is their initial reaction because you are invading their happy bubble where nothing is wrong. You're not only removing yourself from the triangle, from the hurt, you are taking back power, AND, most of all, you are letting everyone know that you DID NOT give up on your marriage.

It took me a long time to realize this. I was scared to go to Plan B and I should have done it sooner. It's still not a guaranteed fix, and unfortunately I'm not a success story, but I DO know that it was the BEST chance and totally the right thing to do. So don't be scared of it.

But PLEASE post a PB letter here and get some help with it before it's sent. Folks here are great at editing out hurtful things. By the time you are finished, you'll have a letter that will at first upset her, but also something that she will one day look back and read again (yes, WS's almost always hold onto this stuff) and realize how much you loved and cared for them.

Now What, I didn't read all of your thread but I believe that you have already sent your W a PB letter. The next step would be to send copies of that to others that are close to her, the OM and her parents for sure. Let them know and let your W know that the A is now in the open, and that you are NOT giving up on your marriage.

I will write more later.

ALS

She called 3 times tonight, wants to talk about the sale of our house taking place on Friday. I have not called her back. Should I? The real estate agent and attorney knows the deal. NW

NW-

I hope you didn't call her. She will be trying anything to get you to call. Unless she states specifically that she is ready to send the BC letter, then NC.

How are you?