dont know if anyone remembers me? my phone got shut off and i have been so lost without all of you here, i really need help!
my h did the d papers last friday and yesterday they showed up at my house to serve me, i didnt answer the door, i just stood there and cried, i just wanted them amd everything else to go away! i cant believe he actually did it!!
anyway i finally discovered it has been a pa since august mabey sooner but the whole a has been going on since june 2002 so it has been a year mabey more im not sure cant get a straight answer out of him why he continues to lie i dont know? yes all this time i thought oit was only ea.when i told him i knew he had no choice but to admit it, i found letters from him in his trunk, dating from oct to feb. and she was pressuring him to hurry and tell me so they could b together, but then there are other times she would tell him to b sure it was what he wanted,once he admitted it he just cried and said he was ashamed, felt unworthy of me.
he also started telling me how she seems to do all the taking and doesnt really give him alot back,she spends alot of his money,she is always putting him second, she has a son 16y. ans at times she can b very selfish, he said when i was in the hospital and he would come and visit me she would ask him why did he have to go and see me all the time? he told her just because we arent together now, we have been together since we were 15 and he still worries about me and have to make sure im ok. but he didnt like it that she was so selfish.
but my question is he said all these things about her and i feel like he is starting to see her for the person she really is and his fantasy is srating to fade, and he has been turning to me alot more, but he still did the divorce, and im very confused as to why? he says that he doesnt feel the same for me anymore, but i dont believe that for a minute! he doesnt treat me like he doesnt love me? he has really changed so much in the way he is around me,when we are together ball games things like that he has to b right next to me and he always has to touch me,wich is the absolute oposite from before? i dont get it HELP!!
im at the library because me phone is shut off. so someone please help me out soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

The fog may be clearing but still has a way to go. If your in plan "A" still you can tell him how being served made you feel. Maybe he will open up and tell you why he is filing now.

Sounds like he is begining to see OW for what she really is so keep working on plan A. He can always call off the Dv or you can remarry. With the positive signs he is showing I wouldn't give up yet.

The more experianced posters should reply soon.
Hang in there.

yes im still in plan a,i asked him why now? he said he wants to apply for housing and he has to b d to do it,i asked him if he was sure it wasnt to b with ow, move in together get married? he said no,i said are you sure he said im posotive!
he said he wanted to divorce me along time ago, but ow told him to b sure it was what he wanted first.he said now he is sure but he has never really able to let go of me or us (5 kids) he has any excuse to b around us. i know deep down this is not what he wants, or at least i think so we started disscusing division of property and he got really upset,his eyes filled up with tears, he didnt want to talk about that! i dont know what he thinks divorce is going to b like. he thinks we are going to go in sign the papers and walk out like nothing!
he is going to have no where to live as of tomorrow his roomate is leaving and he cant afford to pay the rent on his own, he doesnt know where to go, he will probobly end up on his moms couch for awhile, and spend as much time as he can at our house, ow has had her chance to have him for along time now and she hasnt done it yet,
i have faith that he will want to return someday, right now im not ready to let him,i like my life with my children, i like being my own person and i learn each day that i am a strong capable woman and i dont have to b dependent on him or anyone else. mabey he sees this and that is why he likes being around me more, who knows?
sometimes i feel good sometimes im so scared! but im not really sure what im scared of? im not scared of loosing him i know he will never really be able to let go, hes so scared of being alone,wich tells me hes not really secure with ow.and im not scared tht i cant do it ive been doing it, and it gets easier everyday. i dont knowim just so scared of something. any one know how i feel?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I hadn't seen you here in a while and I was hoping for good news!
YOu sound good overall though, despite the incredible pain.
It is amazing how our strenght grows through our pain.
YOur WH sounds so fogged in still, yet is showing definate signs of being on the fence. He is getting desperate, financially especially , thus the move for a D.
I know that some advice is to continue Plan A, but because WH seems to not be able to let go of you or the kids perhaps a Plan B would shock him into the reality of what it will REALLY be like to not have you in his life.
I'm new to Plan B and it is a hard step so be sure you are ready.
I'm sure there are veterans out there who can give you some sound reasons for doing this.
Read up on the Principles of Plan B and keep posting and getting advice here.
Hang in there, this isn't over yet!!

learning,
i was hoping to hear from you i was reading your posts,and i know i should goto plan b like you are doing, but im so scared of missing him so bad, as it is now we dont call him we just go on, but we know he will b calling not a day has gone by that he hasnt called and i know it doesnt go more than 2 nights and he wil b calling me after the kids are asleep.
last night we were together it was his last night in his appartment, he called and asked me if i wanted to spend his last night there with him, i said ok, we were together holding each other talking, and you know what. anyway he just started talking about ow, he told me how she is not what he thought she was going to b, how she plays alot of games with him, trying to get him jealous, saying she is free to date other men because he is still married anyway. he said how he does all the work in the relationship, she doesnt seem like a very giving or caring person, wich is the total opposite of me! i asked him if you are with her why are you calling me? cause if all you are doing is using me as a quick fix id rather not b doing this anymore. he said no, i like being with you i asked him why ? he started to cry and said in a very watery voice " i miss you" he said i "miss being held" i asked him doesnt she hold you? he said no shes never held me,mabey once. he said she has never even kissed him anywhere other than his lips and she doesnt touch him,or carress him iether. i was surprised and i asked him why? he said he didnt know he didnt understand? he also said after he filed the divorce papers he told her and ever since then she has been a little distant,and they havent really being talking that much, i asked him if he thought she was getting scared away, he said yes,we just talked and he told me all the things about her that bothered him. but he thinks mabey after the d is final she will change, i told him i really dont think so, think that that is just the way she is, i asked him how long are you willing to wait? how long are you going to hold on waiting for her to change into the kind of person you want her to b? he said if it doesnt happen ill b ok.
i know everyone is going to tell me to go to plan b, and deep down i know it is the right thing to do, but i like being there for him when he needs me, because then it lets me know that she is doing something wrong that is why he is coming to me. and know it makes her fell insecure about his feelings for me, and he did tell me he loves me, he did a quiz, and your supposed to name 2 people of the opposite sex, ow gave it to him he named her and another co worker. but he was upset about it when he told me he said because he wanted to put me first then her, the first person is supposed to b the one you love the most the second is the one you like but cant work it out with,i asked him why he was uppset he said because he couldnt put me down because she wouldnt like it. anyway just a little thing i know but it made me feel better.
i started to tell him mabey he should stop calling me he said why? i said because that way you can see if she is goint to b able to give you everything you need, if she is really going to want to keep you happy. he cut me off and said we will talk about it later. i know he knows she wont
he keeps saying if she wasnt there he would have left anyway, i dont know if i should believe him, it scares me to think he was so unhappy, but if he was i didnt see it,is it really just the fog talking? someone tell me yes? i dont want to think my marriage was so misserable and i didnt even know it?

i forgot i realy needed advice on what to do about the d?on the reason for it he put down,and these are his exact words on the papers"things werent going right at home, we talked about it and decided it would b better to get a divorce"
that is the reason he gave for not wanting to b married to me after 16 years!
i talked to someone and they told me not to let him get awy with that that! they said i should counter sue and put down adultery,and name her as the reason. but i dont feel right about doing that i dont know why i just dont want to hurt him,on one hand i dont know if doing it would help or hurt more? i dont want to just let him get away with everything but ive always believed that heavenly father will take care of other people the way he thinks they deserve to b taken care of. or is it just me being a lady and always being told to always b nice. i dont know this really bothers me cause i dont know what to do?
right now im just scared again sitting here in the library crying hoping noone will see me,i wish my life didnt have to b like this, i long for the days when i knew exactly what my future was going to b like, and my children had nothing to worrie about exept homework and cleaning there room. time seems to b going so fast and the holidays will b here sooner than we realise,and im not looking forward to that at all!
i know me and the kids will b ok,but what scares me is knowing this will never really b over there are going to b so many times when it is going to hit me and im going to start cring again.i cant believe how much he and ow are taking away from us, so much happiness they stold from my children, all there security, all the trust they had in there dad there is so much they are loosing and he doesnt even see it
right now i hate him!! and i hate her!! i hate them both for taking my future and my childrens happiness and throwing it away!! and i hate the court system for letting him get a divorce and it only cost 40$!!! my whole life changed, destroyed for only 40 fricking dollars!!!
thats how i feel right now but when i see him it just all goes away, and i cant feel mad at him, cant hate him, cant even have a bad thought in my head about him why?? i think i hate that most of all!!
library is closing so i got to go, ill check in in the morning hope someone answers me?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Can you get a legal separation first before a divorce. In my state, you have to be legally separated for one year before you are able to divorce.

I agree with Learnin that your WS is cake-eating. His script is EXACTLY like my WS'. It's hard to understand but here it goes: As long as he has you for a listening ear while he is with her, he will have no motivation to break it off with her. You are meeting an important emotional need as the listener and she is meeting other needs for him. He is disrespecting you by talking to you at length about her but yet not breaking up with her.

I have been where you are. It just does not work. They give us crumbs while she has the buffet. As the BS, we deserve gourmet. We become desperate and needy, wanting our husbands back. All the while that turns them off. It makes us too much like a mother rather than a woman deserving to be romanced and loved.

I could go on and on but it sounds like a need for PLAN B. However, find a way not to go along with signing the divorce papers. Tell him that's not want you want right now. You want to work on your marriage. However, the best way to work on your marriage is for you not to have contact with him until he breaks it off with her.

Take Care. It's just awful, awful for us. We do not deserve this!!!

Yikes Malcswife...what an emotional place you are in....

It is your life and deep inside you can only do what you believe is best...

Take things slowly though...and take time to really process some of his fogese....

Be very weary of the alien fog filled bobble head...(that is the title of my next movie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
and the ability to make what is irrational and unnacceptable...somehow seem rational, acceptable, and when they are really good at convincing others......somehow they make us thing their actions are emotionally moral...

You have five children...and your posts are tainted with little sentiments from you that protecting you and your children might be interrperted by him as a NEGATIVE!!!!!!!

but i dont feel right about doing that i dont know why i just dont want to hurt him,on one hand i dont know if doing it would help or hurt more?

yikers!!!!

I would seriously seek councel on the divorce issue....
If you can not do Plan B...seriously consider some drastic 180's...

Things sound good in the sense that "she" is proving to be no prize....let her do all that work...

Now is time for you to appear even more confident that you YOU are OK...and are moving on with life...

Consider turning him down the next time he asks to see you OR...not being so available...can't make it quite then...have some "things" to do...

elusiveness...

Does he watch the kids..(not sure of their age)...have him come over...greet him at the door looking fabulous darling...and say...oh gotta run...I'm late...and scoot on out of there...

If he comes over a lot...perhaps consider telling him when it's time for him to go...stating...you know..once your divorce goes through...you can't just come and go as you please...so in the best interest of everyone...perhaps you should go now...

Be doing some fun family thing when he comes over...let him really see what old MR> fog induced he keeps saying if she wasnt there he would have left anyway, baloney head is walking away from...

Turn down him coming over...tell him you are to busy..
explain the no phone...but children in the house...???

seek the post on 180's and is it Carol's post on which she had the ultimate cake eater and shook his world...

can you go away over night...even if it's just having a sleep over at a friends....and make him watch the kids....
and NOT reveal details...

believe NOTHING he says...nadda zip

blessings and peace to your home
ARK

all of it is good advice,things i know i got to b strong and do!
i was with him saturday morning,we took his brother to the airport,hes also one of my bestfriends,and is on my side 100%.
anyway i had been feeling really bad,and i didnt know why,but now i think i know, i think it is because i felt like i was doing everything for him and nothing for me! i waited till he called, and needed me.i couldnt have him there when i wanted him i just had to wait until he was ready,waiting for crumbs like you said,mimi1254
and i was starting to resent him doing this to me.abnd when we would talk he would ask me about who i might want to b with, id ask him why? dont you want to keep me for yourself? his answer was "i dont mean forever i just mean for a little while" he keeps asking me who im interested in? i dont know what to say when he asks me this? i know im not ready to b with someone else, especially while im married. but even after it is just something im not interested in.
yesterday he was at the house when i came home from church, just there laying on our bed all comfortable like nothing!
in my mind i already decided i needed to go to plan b, but was trying to decide how to do it, what to say, all that. i dont want to write a letter because i dont trust him, one of the letters i found from ow she says " those letters she wrote you,she says she knows you better than anyone else,and that may b true,but she sounds like she still believes you will get back together and i just want you to b sure about what you really want" any way i dont want her to know anything about the way i feel or anything about me!
anyway he was at the house and he told my daughter to go to a neighbors house and borrow a video, in his car! d is 16 and has never driven before! i dont now what he was thinking? i kept asking him are you sure? do you want to go with her? he said no, it was ok, so she left and she did pretty good on the road, until she came back to the house! she ran into the house! broke his mirror and smashed up the front fender a little! he heard the comotion and came outside, he saw his car and immediatley starting cussing, went back inside put his shoes on got in his car and drove away!! my d was scared we all were! i just assured them it was ok it was just a accident, its just a car it can b fixed, although he hasnt been paying for his insurance and im sure it has been canceled.we went inside to have lunch, my d was in the room cring but tring to act like she was ok, he came back, got some tools from his tool shed and started to work on his car, he was out therre throwing things around cussing up a storm! i went outside and asked him what are you doing? he said "tring to fix my f***ing car!!" i asked him well why do you got to throw stuff around? he said "i aint throwing SH** around!!" i went back in and told the kids just stay in no one bother him. but i was doing laundry and needed to go out and hang clothes on the line, so i went out not even looking at him, trying to b invisible. he asked me "what the he** did she do?" i told him and he stared saying she was stupid, i didnt really hear him at first, i thought i must have misunderstood, i said "dont forget you let her go" he said "yeah, but i didnt think she was so stupid" it was loud and clear that time i said "what did you say" !! i told him "dont you ever talk about her like that!" he said i didnt call her stupid, i said yes you did! he said so not to her face she cant hear me, i said i didnt care, i dont ever want you to talk about her like that again especially around me ! your over hear worried about your stupid car that your not even going to have forever but her you are, its just a stupid car you can fix it but what you are doing to her will never go away!he told me to shutup, he said ill go as soon as im done, he said f*** it ill go now i said ok, and this is where i lost it i said what are you doing here anyway! why do you keep coming back you said you didnt want us! why cant you stay away then? explain it to me? why do you come around? he just sat there tears in his eyes. i was so mad! but it felt so good!!! he went in got his work boots, and when i went in he was just standing in the middle of the room staring i said take your dress shoes too, he said i dont want nothing. he left not a word to the kids after awhile he called i answered without thinking it was him. he talked to d and told her everything was ok.then he called me back but i didnt answer he kept calling so i let d get it, he wanted to talk to me i had her tell him i was in the bathroom, he said to have mne call him back, i didnt, so he called again asking for me, i got on the phone and he said when i come over to mil (we were going to have sunday dinner)to bring what clothes he had left there i told ill send them with the kids, i wasnt going to b there he said oh, he was quit for a long time like he had something else to say, i said is that all you want from here he said what else do i have? i said i dont know just making sure. he said yeah i guess that is it he was quiet again waiting for who know what? i said b before him and hung up! so now im going to plan b, dont really feel like talking to him, i dont want him at the house, dont want any help from him! do i have to send a letter cant i just leave it like it is? just leave him suffering because he know he blew it this time! some one help me out, please? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You did right! Do not write a letter. Your H is waiting for you the make the next move. That is why he was quiet on the phone and waiting for you to say something. He is used to you making the moves.

He is being TOTALLY DISRESPECTFUL to you and your children!!

Keep up the tough love. You children do NOT need him bringing down their self esteem as well.

Lazy a** should have got up himself to go get the video AND he shouldn't have been there in the first place if he's the one who left and said he didn't need you guys any more.

Okay enough of my venting -- suppose to be supporting. Please stick to your guns for now and see what move he makes....

ok, he kept calling me and i had a hard time making him believe i was in the bathroom for so long, i gave in and took the call, i told him i was not going to sons t ball game, he was so upset why? he kept saying in his most watery voice, i told him its just time for me to move on, time for you to start doing things on your own, with the kids. he said why? i just said thats just how i feel, its just time. he said "whatever"
and hung up. i had already wrote him the letter i wish i would have made a copy to share with you all but i did it so fast i wanted to give it to him when he took the kids to the game. but basicly i just said it was time for me to move on with my life, and as long as i keep him around i wouldnt b able to do that, i needed to concentrate on me and my children, so no contact, i told him how i felt he was to great a man to share with anyother woman, and until he was ready to accept the love of a good woman,whom would love her with her whole heart mind body and soul,i would rather move on,and b on my own.
i told him not to ever feel unworthy or ashamed for whatever it is he may have done, and never to settle for anything else than what you deserve,i never will,that is why iam doing this i want you and our marriage, but until your ready to show me you want the same i need to move on with my life.
i told him i loved him and if he ever wanted to b with the love of his life, he knew where to find me.

after iwrote him the letter he called me, its just habit when i see him calling i pick up and then i remember oh, im not sopposed to talk to him!! any way he asked me why i was doing this i explained it to him again, time for me to move on, he asked to come over i was stupid and gave in! but actually dont regret it, because after he left well actually while he was there, i dont know what happened but i just felt really bad,i was with him but i kept thinking i cant wait for him to go, why did i miss him so much? hes not what i was hoping for. and now thats how i have been feeeling,like i dont want him anymore, and i keep asking myself why did i cry so much over him?i think of my life and how it is now and im actually happy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i never thought i would feel like this! im exited about all the things me and the kids are going to get to do, things we couldnt do because he didnt want to! we were thinking about how fast time is going and i told the kids to start thinking about what you want to b for halloween so i can start making your costumes, and i said HEY! we can have a party this year! they all said really? i said yeah we can do whatever we want cause dad wont b here! and i realised we can! we can do whatever we want !! and im actually looking forward to my or our new life without him!( we always wanted a halloween party but he never did.)anyway ive been feeling pretty good,i dont need to worrie myself about him or ow anymore!and he is doing things that dontwork with the way i ant to live my life! he brings nothing but negative feelings and bad energy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

after iwrote him the letter he called me, its just habit when i see him calling i pick up and then i remember oh, im not sopposed to talk to him!! any way he asked me why i was doing this i explained it to him again, time for me to move on, he asked to come over i was stupid and gave in! but actually dont regret it, because after he left well actually while he was there, i dont know what happened but i just felt really bad,i was with him but i kept thinking i cant wait for him to go, why did i miss him so much? hes not what i was hoping for. and now thats how i have been feeeling,like i dont want him anymore, and i keep asking myself why did i cry so much over him?i think of my life and how it is now and im actually happy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i never thought i would feel like this! im exited about all the things me and the kids are going to get to do, things we couldnt do because he didnt want to! we were thinking about how fast time is going and i told the kids to start thinking about what you want to b for halloween so i can start making your costumes, and i said HEY! we can have a party this year! they all said really? i said yeah we can do whatever we want cause dad wont b here! and i realised we can! we can do whatever we want !! and im actually looking forward to my or our new life without him!( we always wanted a halloween party but he never did.)anyway ive been feeling pretty good,i dont need to worrie myself about him or ow anymore!and he is doing things that dontwork with the way i ant to live my life! he brings nothing but negative feelings and bad energy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

last night i went to bed feeling pretty good,cause i didnt hear from h all day and he didnt come by the house after work like he usually does,i was glad. i fel asleep and my phone rang about 12:45 it was him i just let it ring but he kept calling my d came in and told me mom your phone? i said i know then i got worried what if something was wrong? hes not a healthy man.so ianswered and he said he needed a ride home, he was at the bar, he said his sister had his car and was supposed to pick him up but she wasnt answering her phone so i said ok? but first i went by the house to see if his sister was going to pick him up, she was outside getting ready to go,she said she was just on her way i said ok ill go back home then, i called him to tell him to tell him she was coming, he said oh, i thought you were coming i said no she said she would he said something about being dissapointed i wasnt coming, he told me he was hungry i told him have your sister take you to get something to eat, he said oh, ok. i said il see you tomorrow and hung up i went home feeling good but still i feel so responsible for him and that is where i always get into trouble, ive been taking care of him since he was15 years old. and that part of me is hard to denie, he called me again at about 2:30 i didnt answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />