We were both raised in spanish culture, where it is common for men to call women they just meet - "My Love" or "my Queen" or "My Life"(kind of My Soulmate) just because it's a custom.
I have always corrected the men who have called me any endearing phrase out of respect to my husband because I feel it gives a false sense of intimacy with the person.
My H feels I'm overreacting becuase it means nothing. Ever since D-Day of all 3 As, I have asked him to either stop using those terms with OWomen or stop using them with me. If they mean nothing - they mean nothing even when he calls me "His Love" etc. He said he understood and stopped for awhile.
He just started up again now that he feels I should be over what happened. "It's part of our culture, it means nothing but I understand it upsets you. I'll try."
I've asked him again to go for counseling - no response - then "I can do this myself, we'll be alright."
Here we go again.

Olt,

It's probably such an ingrained habit that it may take some reminding for him to remove it from his vocabulary. Maybe you could help him come up with some other more appropriate titles like miss or maam (although I can't imagine a latin man saying those things! LOL)

OLT

I know what are you talking about... I was born and raised into that culture and into that kind of treatment. What I always did in the past was if I was called by that for someone else besides my H I would told him "stop it" I'm NOT you love or your life or whatever. Yes I'm that radical on that and for what I know H has not called that to any other ppl besides me and OW?
I think it's a boundaries issue with other people and has a lot to do with the respect you deserve from others.

Interesting topic!

I think if you were to ask him if it would be okay for you to call the attractive men around you "Mi vida" or "Mi amor" then he might change his tune. Would he like it? But then I know you wouldn't want to use these endearments with just any old stranger.In the end, it seems he should be able to change this habit when he sees how much it bothers you. I wouldn't accept it, and it seems you don't want to, either.

I agree with Matilde-it is about respect and boundaries.

Take care,
H_P

This hits far too close to home. Neither my W or me are of spanish/hispanic descent but my wife is in love w/ Spanish culture.

Read my other posts for more info, but basically she embraced the whole "Mi amor" thing from other men and eventually fell into an A with one. Things are not goning well for us although the OM is still in S. America - she refuses to let go.

I really wish I did not have a bad taste in my mouth for Spanish culture, but I can't help it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really wish I did not have a bad taste in my mouth for Spanish culture, but I can't help it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've have had that bad taste since I was a child. Had a very difficult childhood with my father who was too strict and condesending and at times heartless.
I swore I would never marry a Latin man. Grew up with all their flirting, cheating, hurting and "I'm really macho" attitude. And yet the man I married is Latino and he has done me in but badly. I thought he was different but he wasn't.
I have discussed with him the importance of his words and that if it really doesn't mean much than why does he bother to use those phrases to address me.
He stopped for awhile, at least in my presence but he slipped while he was on the phone with a friend's wife. When I approached him on it then came the usual excuses.
I told him that I would begin to use those phrases myself with men that I know and see how he likes it.
This is the same pattern he went thru after D-day #2.
I have to get to the point of not reacting to his actions. I guess to the point of I don't care anymore in order to catch his attention.
Any suggestions???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

One question:
Why does "somebody" or "something" need to be "blamed"?

The fact is that whatever words are used, whether they are Spanish colloquialisms or English pick-up lines, that, in itself, in no way affects a person in terms of having an affair or not...they make that decision regardless of the words used, and regardless of the culture they come from, I think.

In other words, the issue is entirely another one, and trying to pin it on a "culture" serves no purpose in terms of either recovering a marriage or deciding not to.

In the interest of full disclosure; I was born and raised in Latin America (although I'm not very Latino in most respects). My wife (much more Latina than I), AND her OM are also Latinos. So clearly this is not an issue limited to Latino men...

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 11:24 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

I agree with Spacecase and one last time's remarks border on the edge of bigotry.

<small>[ June 28, 2003, 12:09 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I just have to reply on this once more...

Well I felt somehow I was like the only latin here... well sems not, but keep in mind again that I was born and raised into a latin country and I'm still living on it and had for all my life..
I understand to damn well the "macho" attitude and it is not a blame thing or bigotry? (what is this word? TMCM).

Keep in mind that different cultures make you be a different person, the way you are taught and the way you see life IT IS a bit different. In other parts of the world been called my love or my life by an unknown person would mean an act of irrespect. In latin terms is not that hard... is widely accepted. We are more warm and not so distant people, we like contact, word games and a lot of bad thinking. That is a fact that no one can chance, and it doesn't matter in wich status you are or what education you had, that is always going to hapen.

What is bad about that, I think is that it opens up to a next level of intimacy if you are not right or strong enough in your boundaries.

fromAbove I'm really sorry that this is happening to you with a latin man. I was told one day that I was a trigger to many ppl here because I was latin... well I guess I didn't like the etiquette of that and yes I'm latin but here in latinland A also happen and we are at the same rollercoaster as everyone here. Have faith that if this men is a TRUE latin man with all that it implies your W will realize sooner rather than later all the meanings of the latin man.. including the machist view... and that is something she is not going to like I BET YOU...

One last time

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I swore I would never marry a Latin man. Grew up with all their flirting, cheating, hurting and "I'm really macho" attitude. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well not all latin men are like that you know? Well at least H didn't had the macho attitude... Or he did? Anyway... you felt attracted to that for some reason but you have also to keep in mind that latin ppl have (besides A) strong family values and I think that is something you maybe saw? and SURE go ahead and use the same phrases with OM's that you H does with OW's... but I don't think that is going to help.. or maybe it will? as soon as his ego got hit??? I bet it will...

Personally what I think about this whole latin issue and OW's and OM's is that ok yes we tend to be more calid people or more open??? But still if you decide to have and A it's doesn't really matter if we are latin, or north american... or... well I have this issue about french ppl? the same all of you think about latins we think about french... So it's a matter of the things ppl have make you beleive right?

It is not really that we are hotter or better than everyone else...It's just what you think is hotter or better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ...Many many times you will find out that is not true...

<small>[ June 28, 2003, 02:52 AM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Matilde;
Clearly cultural differences play a role in whether people have affairs or not, but the bottom line is that if someone has an affair it is not BECAUSE of the culture, it is because they choose to have an affair.

So "blaming" the culture serves what purpose? To say that it's ok, he couldn't help it, he's from a culture where this is ok? That makes no sense. It may make you feel a bit better about it, but it does not address the problem. The problem is he's having an affair, and that needs to be addressed if you want to save your marriage.

I guess that as an upright Latino who has never had an affair and respects his wife and his marriage, I'm a bit sensitive to the stereotype of the Latino man, and having had my marriage end in divorce makes it clear to me that we must address the real issue; the affair, and not the culture factor, whatever that may be.

Spacecase

Where did I said that if you where a latin person you have to had and A???? Or that it was accepted???

Keep in mind that I HATE also many of the steriotypes that ppl make on us.

What I said is that since we are a bit more calid or warm, ppl might confuse that with other feelings wich is very wrong because that open up the door to an A IF you don't have your values and boundaries firmly stablished.

And yes you can NOT blame it on the culture, because I'm sure that A happens in every one of them. And I fully agree with you, is not a culture factor it is the way you address the A issue that is going to save your M or not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I'm sorry if in any way you interpreted my words with other meanings because that was not my intension.

Take care

Te comprendo, Matilde.
I was not attacking you, M. And forgive me if I misinterpreted your words or intentions; I just think you should focus on the relationship issues that can help you resolve the problem, rather than on those you have no control over.