Ok Fellow MB’s I really need your advice here. I’ve only posted a few times, mainly because I have never felt like I was in a position to give advice to anyone else when I couldn’t even fix my own marriage. But I could really use some unbiased opinions on what all of you think I should do at this point.
A brief summary. I am the BS-42, him the WS-44, married 4 years in December. My 2nd marriage, his 3rd. Thanksgiving he informs me that he no longer loves me and that everything is my fault and he has no desire to be with me anymore. Before that other than the fact that he had seemed distant for a few weeks, there was no indication that anything was wrong between us other than normal daily problems. I did try to talk to him about his distance but he just blamed it on being stressed about his job.
From Thanksgiving until the weekend before Christmas, we were still living together but no talk of divorce and both of us were just kind of existing together. I didn’t know what to do and everything I said was wrong, as I have since learned from this forum. He informed me the Friday before Christmas, that he was not going to my parents with me for the weekend and that he intended to go to his Mother’s on Sunday alone and spend the week of Christmas there. I had no choice but to let it happen.
While he was gone I found emails he had written first to some other woman and then those letters seemed to stop and he began writing his ex-wife, who by the way treated him like crap their entire marriage, cheated on him, etc. It seemed they were in the process of getting back together as soon as he got rid of me. I have since found out that he left his first wife for her as well, something I was not told before.
When I confronted him he moved out and was staying with his Aunt. I stayed as long as I could with very little contact with him, and when there was he was mean and nasty and again accepted no responsibility for what had happened. Even still insists he never cheated on me because there were no physical relations. (Still not totally convinced about that). I moved back to my hometown in March (3 hours away, I moved to be with him when we got married) because I just couldn’t take being there alone anymore and it was his house and he kept telling me I needed to leave. Now before one of you tell me I didn’t have to, I know this but there just came a time when I knew I had to get away from there and I never saw him anyway.
I do not believe he is still communicating that way with his ex-wife. She lives near me and I know she is still with her husband and at her job, but I could be wrong or he could be involved with someone else now.
Since I have been here again what little contact there has been has been full of LB’s and more of his lies and deceit. We haven’t had any contact since May 5th until today, when I broke down and sent him this e-card with the following message:
“I know it's been awhile since you've heard from me, but I was trying to give us both some time to work things out in our own hearts and minds before sharing them with each other. I need to know what you are thinking, and I think it's time we talked. We are still husband and wife and I think it's time we both let go of the hurt and anger and work towards a mutually agreeable solution to our problems. We can't go on forever arguing about the past, it's time to forgive and forget and move forward. I can truly say I have forgiven you and I don't want this rift between us anymore. We have to communicate in order to solve this dilemma we are in. Are you ready for some real and honest communication?” I still love you, me
This was his reply:
“I got your card, and yes, I'm ready to move forward as well, but probably
not in the way you want to. I just don't see it happening and quite frankly
am not sure I want it to happen. I'm willing to talk, but if, and only if
we can talk like adults without getting angry and trying to read something
into everything that is said that isn't really meant. I'm not going to
bring up the past until you do, and only then when I feel like I have to
take the defensive.
You've made the comment on the phone before that I really hate you, but I
don't. I just can't find the feelings for you I once had, and it is not
fair to you or to me to keep letting this drag on. You've made yourself a
life there, near your family, and I'm getting along quite well. Yes, it is
time to move on.
Whenever you want to talk, just give me a call. FYI though I'll be out of
town until Sunday night late.”
Now my question… do I give up and let him go or do I hold on to the hope that he will eventually come to his senses? I don’t want to guys but I truly do love him and would give almost anything to have him back. I know he wants a divorce from his letter, but he can only get one if I agree. He has no grounds and the only way to get a divorce in this state without grounds is if both parties agree to one on irreconcilable differences. I have told him in the past that I will not sign the papers because I love him and don’t want a divorce. I have offered to go to counseling; I have admitted my part in the breakdown of our marriage, (even though I only found out what it was I was doing wrong after all of this happened) and practically begged him in the past to at least give us a chance to work things out before just throwing it all away, and he continually rejects the idea.
Please tell me what to do. I can’t think rationally anymore and really need your opinions. I just wish he had at least given us a chance to save our marriage, then I could let go knowing we had at least tried. Do I let him go?
Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
