My wh and I have been seperated a little over a month because of an e/a he had. Sometimes it's better sometimes it's not. Today is a bad day.

I want to know what is wrong with me. Why does he want to end 25 years of marriage for a fantasy. Didn't I deserved to be loved and treated the way he wants to love and treat her?
He keeps telling me that he wants something different and I can't be it. But then in the next breath he'll tell me that different isn't neccessarily better.

Why did I put up with all the crap of the last 16 months? He did so many things that hurt me and disrespected me. Why didn't I think I deserved better?

Must be pity party day for me.

TTHO

TTHO - OK well I am not very good at giving advice therefore I won't but I can tell you I have been there - I used to until recently sit and wonder why me - why did I deserve this - why did he do this to me??? ETC... You know how it goes - anyways I have been alot better lately which I think is because I have finally accepted the fact that it isn't me - it was never me - he is the one that changed...he is the one that wants or thinks he wants something different... It isn't you - but you are entitled to your pity parties - let me tell you I have hosted quite a few for myself over the last year and 7 months - but one day when you are ready you will wake up and accept that fact that no it isn't you - and you may never understand what or why that happened - but at some point to - move on or reconcile you will just have to accept it and let go.... So indulge yourself in your pity party - but understand tomorrow is a brighter day - and you will look towards the future whatever that may hold and not the past ( I know much easier said than done) - but the simple fact is you are worthy and you do deserve to be happy... You must just decide what it is that you want to be happy.... I hope that helps... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Mimi

Maw64,
Yes it helps - thank you so much. Just the other night I was so confident and thought the heck with him - I don't need this - I can be fine by myself. Now the last two days it's been why is this happening to me!! I don't like this at all but am really glad to hear that other people have gone through it. It just hurts so much. I sometimes wonder if it will ever stop hurting.
Thanks again.
TTHO

TTHO - In some degree I am just not sure if we ever stop hurting but I feel well in my case anyways that it stops to a certain degree when acceptance comes in to play - In my case this all started 10-01 and I was divorced on 9/02 - but the months in between and the months following have been quite a whirlwind - of unpleasantness - sorrow - pity - you name it I have experienced it - but I will tell you that I did not want a divorce but there came a point in my situation - when I just said ok - if he wants a divorce he can have it - all the while hoping it would never come - I am not to familiar with your situation but I have two girls 10 and 13 - and it has been a huge battle with them and I keep thinking to myself if I was this blown away but what happened to my family imagine what they are going through??? So just recently and I am talking about two weeks I decided to just let it all go - I am moving on with my life - what it is going to hold I am not sure - but I have two beautiful girls who need to know that their mother is a capable person - not a crying - depressed lunatic that I have been as of late... And truly I am ok - I am feeling more and more independent - and someday I hope to be in a relationship again - I am actually seeing someone now but I am ok - if it ends or if it amounts something .. I am taking each day at a time and I am just totally done with everyone's sympathy - I for one have become sick of being the topic of conversations - with everyone wondering how I am coping etc.... My self esteem maybe shot to hell - and I am definately not the same person I woke up as on October 12, 2001 but I am going to survive and I will be happy... If you ever need to talk - you can email me at mimiw64@yahoo.com - like I said I am not good at the advice thing - but I have been there and done that... Did things turn out the way I hoped no they didn't - but I have accepted the outcome and am moving on... Mimi

Maw64,
Thanks for the e-mail address - I am working on getting a computer for home and will keep that in mind - it's a little more difficult for me right now because the only e-mail I have access to is at work.

My children are 25, 22 and almost 21 - they are doing ok - my daughter is having a harder time with it than my sons but are handling it well even though they are hurt.

As of August I will be living by myself for the lst time and that is scary - but hopefully will enjoy it a bit.

I do often think the hurt will always be there and that really sucks. My h started his e/a in Feb/02 - false recovery and a few more d-days after that and finally asked him to leave on 5/11/03 after ow showed up at my house to take herself out of the picture and wh told her in front of me that he didn't want to be here(home) and nothing anyway said or did was going to change his mind. That's the day I told him he had to go. The 16 months in between were *ell.

Thanks for the reply - I do appreciate it.

TTHO

OK now I remember reading a little bit about the other woman coming over... Sometimes I wonder if older children in their 20's or younger ones have a harder time... I mean I question did he do this before has he been lying to me my whole life??? Where my 10 and 13 year old would never think of that - but a 20+ might and that I would think would be very hard - plus you are their Mom and they do not want to see you hurt....A computer would be good for you at home - I have spent many nights when I couldn't sleep typing away to strangers that actually can become your best friends.. I talk to like five people off of these boards - who are actually for the most part not even coming here anymore - a few got divorced and a couple stayed to gether - but I have got to tell you if it wasn't for my friend Jennifer who I havent even met only talked to helping me through the day to day - disasters - I don't know what I would have done...I think having a person who understands but doesn't know the people involved can be a wonderful help... Awwwww living alone wouldn't that be peaceful - I actually enjoy my one night - that just happens to be tonite .... I am entering the teenage years and the boys and all that entails and as you know raising three kids they keep you on the go... I guess when you are with someone for so long - 19 years together - married 15 - / it is hard to be without them - but I guess like I said I just decided and that is always subject to change of min d and heart - that I am not going to hate him - it hurts me to much and my girls to much - and it is his loss really - and I am going with the positive attitude that I again at 38 approaching 39 will be happy again - be it in a relationship or single... I will check in on you on Monday - have a wonderful weekend.... Mimi

Hey TTHO - I was wondering how your weekend went and if you were feeling ok today??? Or better than last week I should say??? I just wanted you to know that I am here if you need to talk.... Mimi

Maw 64,
Hi - I was off on Monday - the weekend was ok -Friday night was bad - I was in such a mood and he showed up at the house and I just wanted to talk to him for a while but ended up being way too emotional and needy. He told me it wasn't a good idea to spend time together. He doesn't think I'm letting go. That everytime were together I read something into it. But then he came to my niece's graduation party on Saturday. My family was wonderful to him and I even left before he did. My family surprised me with a Black Lab puppy. I have wanted one and they got him for me - he's adorable but I'm pretty tired today. Thanks for checking on me.
TTHO

TTHO - OK first off with a puppy - you are never going to have anytime to think of anyone else - they are so much work - but a puppy is definately worth it... I got one after my ex moved out of course I got a small cairn terrier - Maggie - and let me tell you she has been my therapy - always someone to love you - And what did you name him????- I am very sorry that you had a rough weekend - but I will honestly tell you that - they will start to come fewer and further between - Did it make you angry that your family was nice to him??? I remember sometimes it would tick me off that people were still being nice to him after everything he had and was putting me through??? I remember those needy days only to well - and I think well in my case that my ex just couldnt deal with what he had done to me - so he used to get angry at me - I to was accused of being to needy - but you know what in truth that is exactly what I was or I should say am - and you know what that is ok???? You deserve to feel like this life of yours is a mess - !!! Do you go to a counselor or have you thought about Meds... I was on Zoloft from March of last year until this last June and what a difference - I was way less emotional - You should look into it - well I will be here if you need to talk - I know how it is when you need someone to understand...

Maw64,
My puppy's name is Mac and he is adorable - already he has been a big comfort. Walking him and playing with him.

I had asked my family to be decent to my husband - that's what I wanted. We will have weddings etc to get through with our children and I didn't want it to be a problem. But honestly it bothered me that they were as nice to him as they were. I know they are on my side and are just doing what I asked but it was still hard. But my kids were there and I was glad that it was amicable.

I am seeing a counselor and just started Lexapro last week. Haven't seen much difference yet but it does take a few weeks to kick in.

Thanks for the reply - it does help to vent here.
TTHO

TTHO - Mac that is a great name... OK as for the antidepressants they are weird it is like you are taking them but you don't really feel a difference it is just all of a sudden you are in a bad situation and low and behold you deal with it - like 100% better.... I am glad your family is doing what you ask of them in regards to your husband - it is funny my husband was so close to my family and yet he doesn't talk to any of them any more at all... Pretty much his choice - they actually think I am an idiot because I do speak to him nicely - but I am done worrying about how I should act and am just acting as I feel is in the best interest of my children and my sanity...I am still seeing my therapist - but I have been seeing him for a year now - it started out that I was seeing him so he would tell me I wasn't crazy about how I was feeling - because basically these therapists have seen and heard it all I am thinking - but I am seeing him Saturday and now we are trying to work on me - only me... I just started the Atkins diet somewhat - and I have been using my treadmill - I am trying to make a better me for me and only for me... I have been writing on labladys thread - you should check her out - she has been married for 25 years and pretty much her husband is gone - you two might have alot in common - it really just helps to talk to people who are in the same situation - or who have been in similar ones - because frankly - unless your world has been tipped upside by adultry you really don't understand ---Talk to you late.r...

Maw64,
Mac is a variation of my maiden name - I figured since my family got him for me that was the right thing to do - plus I like the name.

I think my family thought I was nuts too - they thought I should hate him and be miserable - sometimes I am but it really makes me feel worse when I'm like that. So getting a long with him right now is what I have to do. There are just times that I would like to strangle him - he doesn't want to blame our separation on his e/a and he thinks it's awful that the ow's name was brought into and he blames my family for that but then was nice to them on Saturday. It's just all so confusing. Oh well.

Thanks for the reply - talk to you soon.
TTHO

TTHO - That is right you have to do best for you - as for hating him - I swear it takes more energy to hate than to just let go...I mean everyone constantly would be like why do you talk to him - he has no say - blah blah blah - and I would listen to them and it would really just be more pressure on me - so I am not into the hate thing - I sometimes when I refer to him when in a good mood - as a good guy who just did a bad thing to me - and couldn't get himself or didn't want to get himself out of it... And as for the other womans name coming into it - well to bad because they did something wrong - plain and simple -and it would be easier for them if you just hid the truth - that is what they want - So do you and Mac have any wild 4th of July plans because - you don't want to sit around - you just had bad days - so good days are around the corner....

Maw64,
We have a couple of parties to attend. One Friday night and one Saturday afternoon. I'm not sure what to do about the Friday night one - I am pretty sure ow and her h will be there and not sure if I am ready to deal with that. So may just stay home and enjoy Mac. Saturday is at my sister's pond and should be fun for both Mac and I - want to get him used to the water.

It's amazing that people try to tell you how to react and like you said until they have been down the road from *ell called infidelity they have no idea. But I guess I used to think the same things.

I'm not sorry ow's name came into it - she has done this before and always came out of it unscathed. I think it's a little different this time. But since she is back with her h I'm sure she'll still be pretty innocent in this.

Talk to you soon.
TTHO

TTHO - OK so she is back with her husband now??? Does your husband have a new girlfriend??? These stories all start to blend after awhile - and that in itself is sad... I can tell you for example - my other woman or one of them is my next door neighbor - Yup she is still there- anyways friends of ours moved to this new neighborhood with us - we only new each other - well her daughter I have known since conception - her birthday party last year I refused to go to because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable because the OW was gonna be there - (they invited all of the neighbors) - anyways so I didn't go and you know what - they felt so bad that I didn't go - because they said I belonged and I told them not to worry about it - I just wasn't ready to deal with her - and being uncomfortable - I still don't deal with her - I do not like confrontation - and I am pretty much a sap - I am not liking her much - but anyways - first figure out if you are going to be uncomfortable in front of the OW - or if the people having the party would understand why you didn't go...Do not worry about anyone else just yourself.... Really - you have got to think about yourself for a change.. In all of this I realized that I was not a selfish person at all - I put everyone and anyones needs in front of me until the point - I don't even know what I need - I got lost in the shuffle - and it is sad - I am definately not the person I was - but how long have I been missing - that is my continued therapy.... I am sure your puppy will love the water - all labs do....That should be alot of fun - any kids going to be around - that will make it more fun:)