My H of almost 3 years partner for 6 years came home after being gone for 4 months of training in the military and asked for a divorce.

He said that he loved me but wasn't "in love" with me the way that he felt husband and wife should be. And after 6 years together he says he hasn't felt "in love" with me since about 8 months into our dating. So, why did we even get married? He said he didn't want to lose me.

About 10 days after he was home and told me I found an e mail that a mutual friend's mother had written him saying she hope his things were going ok with her daughter and that she knew how hard a long distance relationship was "keeping it simple makes it easier". So, I can only assume that H had an EA. But denies it and says it was only friendship. However, OW has been by my side like glue the whole time he was gone. And he knew we were spending time together but never mentioned their friendship. And we've never been jealous of each other before.

Within 2 weeks of being home he has already left for Iraq. He refuses counseling. He says he's made up his mind and there is no going back.

So, now I don't know what to do. I have grown a lot in the past 2 weeks through reading and meeting with counsels/pastors. H and I were best friends and companions we never had screaming matches, no drug problems, no alcohol, no real drama to tell the truth. He just say that he's not passionate about me--not "in love" with me. Well then I guess I don't understand what love is. Becasue I thought it was what is left over when all the new "honeymoon" feelings wear off.

For the 2 weeks he was home I tryed plan A. But now I don't know what to do. The only contact that I will have with him for the next 2.5 months is e mail --an so will the OW. SO I stay in Plan A and continue to be the doormat or do I move to Plan B.

If I move to Plan B I was planning to move across the country for a fresh start, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do?

Any advice is welcomed!

BS-26
WH-29
D-Day 6/9/03
Married almost 3 yrs.
Together 6+yrs

dacgirl,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are here, but happy to have you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have a feeling that this EA with the friend may not be the only thing that has gone on.....and unfortunately, a good Plan A which normally would help you....will not be possible by email alone. I'm sure this is crushing, but I do know that cerri does counseling by email and perhaps if he were willing, it might be worth a try. You can post to her on the Just Found Out section of the forum and she has her own cite....www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com

Star*Fish,

Thanks for the input. After thinking about what you said and reflecting on the time line you may be right unfortunately.

He may have had an A before he left and continued with a EA while he was gone. I may never know.

I guess I'll try to do the best plan A I can and plan to move on with my life. It's just hard when nothing makes sense, but I guess these thingss never do.

I know that there are a lot of pros out there---got any more advice?

H left a week ago and since then he has called 3 times and e mailed about 4. He confessed that he hasn't even talked to his parents. So, why am I on top of the call list. It's not kike calling from Iraq is an easy thing?

I'm still hopeful--God can make miricales happen. But I'm preparing to move on while working on myself

I dont have much advice at this time. I just could sympathize with you. I also found out about my wife having an A while she was in Iraq. It has been 6 months since Ive seen her and about 8 weeks since I found out. She comes home tomorrow and Im terrified of how I will feel when I see her.

I do know what you are going through though. I can say that unfortunately not much can happen while he is gone. Who knows why he left but if you really want him in your life I would write him and tell him how you feel. I wouldnt get angry, Ive made that mistake myself a few times, but if you can wait tell him you are/can wait. It is so hard when the other person doesnt want to try but sometimes you can pull them back, so Ive read. I wish you the best of luck.

I know people never think of those of us who are left behind in times like these either.

lost1978,

Lost 1978.

Thanks for the the input. I don't know if I made a big mistake or not today. I sent H a long email/letter telling him that basically I want to work on things and love him. I also mentioned that I was thinking about moving across the country. And aked him to take the next month to continue thinking about things and to read HNHN.

It's really hard for me to not say I love you becasue that's what my heart says but at this point I don't know if it's a LB?

Was telling him about the possibility of moving cross country motivation to make him reconsider? Or just an easy way out to be with the OW?

Should I wait until he gets home and drag things out as long as I can? Or be gone when he returns?

I feel so lost!

Update--

H playing mind games. Trying to refinance our house from Iraq. Good luck. I wont allow it.

But you other MB must have staying power that God didn't give me 'cause I give up.

I tried plan A, tried plan B a little and unfortunately that's all I got in me. Plus, is he really worth fighting for? I'm really starting to think not.

I just wish I wasn't stuck in limbo until he gets back.

Any ideas?

D&C,

R U working with an IC or MC? Helping you get the strength to survive this rocky ride is hard. Very hard. But it can be done.

Take a look at Lisa's thread. She is battle serious issues like yours, just from a 'different angle'.

Use your time to shore up your finances. Is the OW making any trouble for you?
Hang in there girlie. You have more spunk in you than you know.

Hugz,
L.