OK now i am in the process of decideing if I should tell OW husband about the affair, i guess what i was wondering is how many of you told the OW/OM spouse about affair, and what happened???? Just want some feedback to help me make up my mind, thanks everyone!
Michelle

^raises her hand^

BUT, we were 'friendly' had socialized together as couples... @ one time worked for the same 'company.'

AND, it was NOT premeditated. It was impulse... done JUST after I found their emails...

what happened?

We did not become collaborative... it was "our" family against "theirs." He and she both used MB against me. Not that it backfired, but it could have... as HE could have come after my H... LOTS of stuff I didn't think of...

would I do it again?

I think I would thing LONG and HARD... It was easy for me to be mad @ him AND her (Him for not trying hard enough and really USING MB.)

Cali

thanks cali...for me i guess if i did tell it would obviously be premeditated as I dont know him and i wouldnt have the situation arise wher it would just pop out of my mouth! As for thinking long and hard, thats what i am doing, i feel like it could hurt things further towards my H feelings for me if i tell..but so many people are saying i need to tell him and get ot out in the open! Its so hard to know what to do!!

I told op spouse. We had been friends for years and yes I did while was very very angry. Then when I calmed down I wanted to spare him the details and hurt. He kept digging gave me some info tha trealy sucked but it became a game of who said what...Would I do it again???Yes I would...It had to end, and since no one else was going to do it I had to to keep from destroying so many peoples lives...

I told for a number of reasons.

1) My wife was stonewalling me and denying like crazy.

2) I wanted to get the OM's wife input.

3) Partly revenge...if no one was sleeping at my house then he deserved to catch hell too.

4) I really believed she needed to know even though they ended things the moment I caught them.

It forced him into therapy where he admitted he was a sexual predator. But I think he won't change and apparently she is an enabler to his activities so she is almost as guilty. Appears he had nearly 15 prior affairs before he preyed on my wife.

Yes Michelleo,

It should be told to get it out in the open. Sometimes when it does get to where all parties know about it, and it's exposed, that sometimes, that alone, causes them to break thier relationship. And most of all it is important you talk to him for yourself. Just let him know, what I have heard others here say, and that is "that you both have a common problem right now," and begin the conversation that way.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

thanks everyone..i am going to go to bed and get a good night sleep and think about things more clearly in the morning!! totally appreciate everyones input so far!!
Michelle

OW H was first person I told. They were close friends and next door neighbors. He deserved to know and I was out of my mind with grief, anger and terror..and of course disbelief.

He thanked me several times...said I saved his M by telling him. They decided to work hard on their M and of course so did we. We put our house on market and after 7 long mths we now have a contract and will be out of here on 7/31..yeah!

First few weeks OW H and I would talk at times and I would share all new revelations with him. Then we decided that just like OW and my FWH were to have NC neither could the two of us...kept the wounds too raw.

For the past 3-4 mths both families go to all extremes to avoid each other. They don't even let their kids play outside when we're home. They are pretty much nothing to us now...thank goodness...just a bad memory!

Lots of reasons to tell, all good. One of the best is that if you don't tell you become part of the dirty little secret, a co-conspirator keeping the op spouse in the dark with information you would want told to you. There is no free ride, you either become a part of the secret, or you reveal the secret and set yourself free (as well as everyone else).

Michelleo,
I made contact with OW's H after 4 months after d-day. I debated with myself for weeks prior but I decided to vertified what my H had told me that the husband knew. I learned from OW's H the affair was going on longer then I knew and his d-day had been several months before mine. The H had decided he did not want to save his marriage and had started divorce procedures. We compared notes and learned much from each other. I can say as painful as learning more details about the affair, it was truly better for me then being in the dark. OW's H told his wife about our contact and she in turn contacted me by email, Outraged that I was in her business!!!
Contact give me insight of the power of the affair, and that the OW was going to be hanging on more to my husband since her husband no longer wanted her.
Rhonda

Oh man, thanks everyone, so much food for thought here!! Am still undecided as of yet, but am seriously thinking about everything!!

ha ha.

My xH was not man enough to go for a married chick. He wanted the single women partly because I think HE didn't want to deal with a married man who'd kick his butt.

But I called Monkeyho's relative who lived down the street. Asked her if her daughter was raised to think sleeping with other people's husbands and father was ok.

I am for telling the Ws. But remember when you do so, you must not do as I did out of a fit of rage.

And they can turn on you.

Just be careful.

But if you tell them, tell them out of love and because you want to save your marriage.

I dealt with two extremely toxic women. One's still around. Now he's my XH as of one week ago, their affair turned "romance" will have to die a natural death.

But I got sick of the games. Remember it's a game to them. Just don't play if you can.

if i do tell..should i tell my WH i am goingh to be contaccting OW hsband?? Also, I am not sure how to contact OW husband as all i have is her personal email address and her cell phone number!!

Hi,

You need to be better prepared before you launch on this quest.

Step back, write down (keep it faarrrrr away from the WS), write down what you have to say, then practice it. Then wait for the right time.

For now, be patient. Don't think you are ready yet.

IMHO,
L.

I dont feel like I am ready yet either....still to confused about everything...part of me also wants to contact OW and tell her how I feel about my H and tell her that by her being in the picture it is impossible for my H to even think about me and us in a positive way. But, I know I wont contact her...wishful thinking I guess. I cant help but feel maybe she is not actually going to be leaving her H otherwise why hasnt she already...she is apparently moving in with her parents so it is not a matter of her finiding somewhere to go, i just keep hoping that she is going to stay exactly where she is and soon my H will realize she is nopt going to leave and he has made a huge mistake in walking out on me and our three children. he has been moved out for 4 weeks now...inviolved in EA for less than 2 months...i know deep down it wont work out..she has three kids also..he loves and dotes on our kids but has NEVER had patience for other peoples kids...so i think even if things go as far as him meeting them...thats when some of the reality of things might kick in and he will see that the grass isnt always greener on the other side...at least thats what i hope will happen!! I know I have strayed off topic..sorry, once i start to type my fingers seem to take on a mind of their own and just start typing!! lol

I'm not sure I did the right thing, even though that is how the A ended.

Tom told me that "we walked down this path together" and "I need to extricate myself gracefully." He committed to not seeing her and then told me she kept calling me and "it would be rude of me to hang up."

The passionate kissing began 9/11/01. I e-mailed Harley's radio program on 9/25/02, and on 10/1/01 I got the answer to call the spouse. I told my H and he got very angry and said he wouldn't see Sophia if I didn't call her H Mark. I agreed. When he admitted to having lunch with her on 10/24/01, I went ballistic and almost called Mark. He said that that would be a breach of trust and besides Sophia had already told Mark. I called Sophia and she said she had told Mark about Tom.

On 11/6/01, I started therapy. The counselor told me this was Tom's problem, not mine. Tom kept bringing up Sophia. On 4/11/02, I dropped the counselor. On 4/22/02, I called Mark. He had heard about Tom but only that they had gotten too close and decided to part as friends. He hadn't known that Tom and I had gotten in an argument about Sophia on 12/17/01 and I had called Sophia one minute after having my arm broken to tell her, "If you want to f... someone, f... someone other than the father of four small children." (I am not one to swear, but the circumstances were somewhat unusual.")

After I called Mark, he confronted his wife. There were two weeks of lots of tension unbeknownst to me. On 5/3/02, I called Sophia because it was the one year anniversary of her propositioning him. She said something to me that indicated they had seen each other recently. I talked to Tom, he admitted to having had coffee with her THE DAY BEFORE!, and the next day Sophia admitted to her H it was a sexual relationship.

The problem with calling is tht it makes it look like it was my responsibility to stop the affair. It wasn't. Now Tom is saying it is my responsibility to forgive him and trust him. Where is his responsibility? If I had to do it over again, I'm not sure I would have called the H.

I went through nine months of marriage counseling in which I felt like I was the one pushing for reconciliation. I went back to the original counselor. She is now telling me to back off, prepare for divorce, and see what Tom does. It's his responsibility to be a faithful husband, not mine.

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Hello,

You have her name and her cell phone number?

Between those two you can probably find the home address, phone number, etc.

There is a place that will do the search at a fairly low fee. There are several sites that offer this service. I’ve used them before. It’s amazing what I was able to get between what they were able to give me and then further searching on the Internet.

This is another site for free searches. If you do a search on her name, or just her last name, in your area the home phone number may come up.

Gee, what we need here is a ‘tell the OP’s spouse service’. JK, I know this is hard to do.

In my previous marriage my ex had several affairs. Not one person came forward during the 14 years we were married to tell me. Even after our divorce only 2 people have opened up to me. I now will have nothing to do with the many people who helped him keep his secrets. I know that they thought it was none of their business. They did not want to get involved, etc etc. To me what that says is that they did not care enough about me to protect me. I have no need for ‘friends’ that would participate in hurting me like that.

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by michelleo_73:
<strong>I dont feel like I am ready yet either....still to confused about everything...part of me also wants to contact OW and tell her how I feel about my H and tell her that by her being in the picture it is impossible for my H to even think about me and us in a positive way. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Michelle, its pretty likely that she doesn't give a RATSASS about you or your children or she wouldn't be involved in an affair with a married man. I wouldn't bother with her for 2 seconds because she will just use it against you.

That being said, Harley has counseled people to confront the OP so I guess there are points to both sides.

Harley DOES counsel that you should contact the OP spouse and I think that is the best thing in most cases.

Yes, it is scary, however, you will never have or achieve ANYTHING if you let fear control you. Some things are just worth fighting for and a family's best interests should always supercede personal "fears" that one might have.

Nearly a year ago now WS went out to return some hired wine glasses and was very long time. I phoned OP's home and asked for OP. OPW informed me that he was not home and should she get him to return my call. I replied "Yes". I then went on to say that I was concerned about the amount of time OP was spending with my W. Her reply was an icy cold "I have absolutely no comment to make, I'll get him to ring you when he gets home."
When WS came home she was in tears for the first time in years. She said it was all over, that it was all my fault and gave me loads more fog talk. While we were talking OP rang so I just said "I have no comment to make." WS phoned her friend to say it was over but that I was standing by her and that night said that she would like to offer me SF but couldn't. She tod me she would have to go and say Goodbye to OP next day.

The A got patched up next day. I have never spoken to OPW again.

I went on to Plan B 4 months later.
Then I started speaking to WS to attempt a 180. There was a false recovery. I returned home a few months ago to find that the A was continuing unabated. It let me know where I stood.
At this moment bin time I am getting to like/love myself again. It has been a hard battle but am ready for anything. There are times I feel my love has gone but WS only has to be nice to me to reignite it.
After all this time, I don't really know what to do but I am happy with myself which is terrific progress.

Newsunrise

new sunrise, I am glad that you are getting to like/love yourself again, i am trying to do that also, as I know it is important for me to love myslef now more than it ever has been before, I have started walking, eating healthy and joined a gym, i feel much better about myself for doing these things yet still feel very low self esteem and unloved at this point and time, but I am working on it and trying!! More than anything I am trying to be a better persone for myself and my 3 kids, and it wont hurt in the meantime if my WH happens to notice ( unfortuneatly, even if he is noticing, hes not saying anything about it) I have kept my house clean made my backyard look awesome, I think he must notice, butmaybe doent mention it because it is hard for him to see i am doing this stuff..i dont know!!
melody, i agree, she cant possible give a rats [censored] about me or our kids...and i dont uubderstand that, I could never do that to anyone, I am a kind person and would hate to know i was hurting someone so badly, I just cant understand it!!