I might just be the only person here on MB to have done this (maybe?)..... I have not yet read this played out by anyone else here ('cept me).

I had my WS confess to the OP's spouse in person .... and I witnessed in person.

...... This is not for everyone, I'm sure. It worked out great for us .... and I believe it showed the OP's spouse some well-deserved respect!

It also pissed off the OP *big-time* .... she was furious that my H would "betray me like that" .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Is that the funniest thing you ever heard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It made NC very easy ..... suddenly all four of us were *on board* the NC wagon!

I'll never forget that day as long as I live. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My renewed respect for my WH was born that day. I cannot be married to a man I see as a weasley coward .... a man who is a sneak and a thief ... and it was a brave move on his part!

Just wondering if anyone else had a similar event?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

hahahhaaa Pep, your story is good enough for TV! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pepper:

"Just wondering if anyone else had a similar event?"

No, but I sure dream about it a lot!!!

I have offered 2 call RM myself and ask him where his results are for my W's report. I just did again a 2ple hours ago on the phone.

As it stands, RM's W is painted as "dangerous 2 her own kids" and not worthy of anyone's time. OM is someone I haven't talked 2 in over 10 years, and even then only on the phone. I wish, in retrospect, that I had informed Mrs Meat right after D-day, and blown the whole thing wide open ("put it on the evening news" so 2 speak), but the past is past.

-2long

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>

As it stands, RM's W is painted as "dangerous 2 her own kids" and not worthy of anyone's time. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No doubt she is satan incarnate and "doesn't understand him" or poor Mr Ratmeat would never run around on her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Mel:

yeah. I am pretty certain that the stories, such that I hear, are exaggerated 2 villify Mrs Meat and elicit pity for RM. For a long while, I thought it mattered. But it really doesn't.

-2long

Dandy, yet another issue I am torn to bits on!

Years ago when I thought it was just an inappropriate friendship that was halted dead in its tracks because of the OP’s husband’s suspicions…I thought there was no reason to put my BS through the pain of me contacting him. I was told they were going to work on their marriage. I was also told he was abusive and I thought better to let sleeping dogs lie…and LIE they did. I found out recently that it had been PA and all sorts of other sordid details. However, I do believe that it ended on D-day.

If the STD test had come back positive, I was going to contact him. I am a good Web researcher and found all the information I needed to get in contact with him. The test was negative so I dropped the immediate need to contact him. I decided to ponder for a while.

I asked my H if OP husband had known the extent of the A…he said he didn’t know. By now, I felt my H wasn’t the best source of truth.

I was also afraid that if I did this it would further drive a wedge between my H and myself. I worried I still wasn’t thinking clearly. I worried that if he had told the OP that I was such a failure as a W, then this would clearly show I was vindictive. Catch-22

And if I wanted to forgive and rebuild, I would like to make sure that it didn’t become open to my children. The only reason now I have to go on with this marriage is to allow my children to think that marriages last. I didn’t want some hothead-betrayed husband to storm up to my home’s front door and confront my husband. (“Don’t worry children, this nice man just wants to talk to Daddy about a long time ago when Daddy was having sexual relations with his wife….run along and go play Nintendo!)

OP and “abusive” husband… (Maybe the husband was as “abusive” as I was “cold”…could be the reactions we were having from living with these two adulterers?)…have had another child. Last thing I want on my conscious is harming their children by me contacting him at this date. But wait! their mom was the one that harmed them by screwing around….so maybe that is not a valid point.

So! I got this idea…why not write to the OP’s H’s…MOTHER! She loves him and knows if this would kill her son’s marriage or if he should know. She knows if his wife has tried to love him or if he needs to know? I haven’t followed through on that. Still thinking.

Last idea was to contact OP…let her know I know. Let her be the one that tells her H. Let her know what I have walked through. One side of me wants to be harsh. The other side says that I could do it in a way that might heal both marriages completely.

Dang, still don’t know.

Michelleo
Joining a gym is probably one of the best moves I made. I am now addicted and go, go most days. The endomorphins or whatever your body releases make me feel better than taking St John's Wort. The exercise has made me fitter and I have lost weight but it is the "feel good factor" that has helped me.
Probably haven't got time for a relationship now considering the amount of time I spend there! Perhaps it is a good thing WS doesn't want to work on our M! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Can't forget to mention MBers and the members of these boards who have helped me make some sense of all this.
Thank you, MB posters, for sharing your experiences with us.

Newsunrise

My story is a little different. Shortly after D-day (2/16/03) I contacted OM and asked him if his W knew of the A. He told me that his W knew, his M was a sham, that he was planning on leaving her, and that I could call her and tell if I wanted because he didn't give a damn. He then called WW and told her I was threatening him, she ask me to promise never to call OMW. I never did.
Over a month later WW tells my older daughter that OM has seperated and moved out. Daughter takes it on herself to call OMW and tell her of the A. OMW had no idea OM was in an A and immediately confronted him. OM then called WW and told her he could never see her again. OM and WW have not been in physical contact since. OMW has now called me several times, we are both trying to make certain that OM and WW do not have contact. I even sent her my first copy of SAA. OM and OMW are now in MC trying to put their M back together. I wish them well.
Unfortunately WW (who had moved out after D-day) has not returned home and shows no interest in working on our M. But I still wish that I had made the call to OMW as soon as I had the chance.
______
BS-48, WS-45
Married 23 years, together 30 years
2 daughters (17 & 20)
A over, WW still in fog.

I told the OW's spouse and he did not care. He was very sympathetic to me but he said that he did not care what she did and was planning to file for a divorce as soon as he saved enough money. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> They divorced a few months after D-day and he moved back to his home state. I know that he was dating other women. I guess there marriage had been over for some time. They just needed to make it legal.

I'm a BS and at the 2 year mark of recovery. I am on the side of telling the OP H. I say turn the lights on and let the roaches run.

After D-day, I was struck with how unfair it was that OP waltzed along on her merry way, continued to pursue my H after he had come home, and was unchecked because her H didn't know.

I brought this up to my FWH, who was being "polite" and responding to her calls, emails, and accidently bumping into her and conversing. Not to mention the lunch meetings. I was fuming inside, but in a solid plan A.

I mentioned that I was going to tell the OP H. FWH said if I did, I should just pack his bags and he'd be leaving. I think that statement revealed more than anything that contact was continuing and he was protecting her. He offered lame excuses for why her husband shouldn't be told: He might be abusive, he might seek out FWH and disrupt his workplace, he might shoot FWH, he might act out and do something against our family - all very lame. In a final attempt to get me to back down, he said we had no right to damage her family. Say what? Fog talk, big time.

I remained silent for 9 whole months. I endured the phone calls, the hang ups, the drive bys, the contact, etc. And in an instant her world came crashing down when she thrust herself into my world.

At a charitable fundraiser, where I was the the exec of the agency, she and her clueless husband attended. She glared at me, and walked straight toward me and then sailed past me to the bathroom. She knew full well who I was - and though I had never met her, the work of a PI told me who she was, what she looked like, and her MO. I took a deep breath and took three steps toward her husband, extended my hand, introduced myself, and welcomed him to the event. We made small talk for a few minutes. OW came out of the bathroom and saw us talking. Without thinking, I called her first name as she passed me to rejoin her husband. She spun on her heels and hissed a yesssss? back at me.

I instinctively extended my hand and introduced myself. She replied with a very stupid remark, "I've heard so many wonderful things about you!" And I replied, "Oh really?" She slunk off with her husband.

In the next seconds, I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I thought I was going to puke, I wanted to wash my hands, I wanted to purge my memory of her face, her sneer, and her snakelike skin. Rough, scaly, not soft.

Within a few minutes, I knew I was so sick I couldn't stay at my own event. I left and made it 10 minutes away on my 30 minute trip home. And then I felt anger replace the nausea.

In a flash of rage, I dialed the OP's home. I got their recorder. My message was simply, "It was nice to meet you tonight. I hope you had a wonderful time. I'm still a little confused, (OP first name), about when it was you actually heard all of these wonderful things about me. Could it have been when you had my H's ____ in your mouth?(long pause) (OP H first name), we really need to talk. Here's my number at work. Phone me."

In the morning I had an email waiting on me. I responded and said that I could meet him after my staff meeting. We did meet. I offered everything I had as I knew if he decided to kick her to the curb, he'd need the evidence I had from the PI to prove adultery. I offered it. He related a lot of her excused and explanations. Most of them lies.

I still shudder thinking about how she tried to whitewash this entire cheap affair as a friendship gone awry, and their together time was mostly about praying for her terminally ill father. Good grief. And to think the PI and I thought all that crying out to God was in the heat of the passion! Silly us.

And what happened? Husband was stunned when I told him what I had done. He said, she fired a BB round at you and you responded with a nuke. Yeah. Your point?

The result? NC was instituted immediately, with the invitation by the OP H to be kept fully informed of any breaches. And there was a breach and he was notified immediately. And there were dire consequences.

I don't think she's gone forever because her type just slinks around and finds another prey. But our boundaries are in place and H is past withdrawl and fully rooted in recovery.

So....tell. But be prepared for consequences.

-pendragon