...file for D, but then drag their feet to get it over with? My W had an EA (possible PA) and filed for D in 11/01 (OM is now out of the picture). Since then she has done very little about it, in fact, from 3/02 until 3/03 she did not take one step regarding the D.

Although I did not want this D, there were things that my lawyer or I had to take the iniative on. My lawyer wrote up the custody agreement four months after we reached a verbal agreement thru mediation because her lawyer never did. I wound up buying my W out of our house after five months of hearing her tell me she wanted to sell it, but doing nothing about it (I wasn't living there at the time). My lawyer served her with discovery in 1/03, to which she has yet to respond.

Now, 19 months after she filed for D and a year since we separated, she served me with discovery and filed a petition for CS. I've have replied to both. These are things that should have been done a LONG time ago. Finally I had enough of dragging this out and I told her I'd like our lawyers to sit down and work out a settlement. She said fine, but never suggested the same thing to me before.

It's almost surreal. She never once expressed any desire to try to save our marriage, yet has done little if anything to get the D over. It's been almost 20 months of nothing happening. By her own admission she's terrible unhappy and has no life, which makes no sense since she's getting what she wanted. I asked her to explain that to me but she couldn't. I'm finally at the point where I want this over. I need to get on with my life, but the way she's handled this still boggles my mind.

Why does someone who wants a D just sit on the sidelines like a spectator?

sad dad

why not do a mediation to settle things..out of court..
it is herlawyer dragging it out..it is what mine did

do both of you REALLY want a divorce? or is there a chance of stopping it and getting to gether again.?

if you want the divorce then tell your lawyer to stop pussyfooting around and get the deed done..
right now the longer you drag it out the longer their pockets are lined..who is paying them?

they are working for you..tell yours to get to work and get it over with..soon.

if you don't want it over then tell him not to do a thing..for awhile,..
hope things work out for you..your daughter is cute..you are too you will be doing good in no time..I think it is sad when I look at kids involved..how this hurts them..

Is that her type of personality? Some people are great procrastinators who sort of let life "happen" to them. Is that her?

maybe she's a "deer in headlights" - unable to move out of fear doing the wrong thing?

sad eyes,

I've told her more times than I can count that I don't want this, but she never has. For the longest time I told my lawyer to just follow her lead, but at this point, it's time to get it over. I'm not looking forward to BEING divorced, but GETTING divorced is so tiring. I've been in limbo for too long.

She blamed her unhappiness on me for a long time, now she blames it on the D taking so long, which she chose not to pursue agressively. I just want to get it over so she won't have me or the D to blame anymore.

melody,

No, I wouldn't say she was a procastinator, but she did always let me handle the big decisions. This was her decision and I haven't handled it for her.

nick,

You may be right, but now I've got to take control of my life back. I'd rather be divorced than live like this any longer.

IMHO, my W never thought it would turn out this way. She thought she'd get full or primary custody (not shared), the house (which I got), a huge CS payment (it will be much less than she thought) and probably OM. That hasn't happened, and worst of all she's still miserable.

We've had a few conversations in the past 8 months or so in which she told me she isn't happy, won't be once we're divorced and may never be again. She's told me she has no life and no friends. She's told me she cries alot and has cried alot in front of me. It's like she lets me in enough to see the turmoil she's in, but when I reach out to help, she closes me off. I still care for her and I worry about her, but she tells me not to, she's not my problem anymore. I told her she's the mother of my child and I can't stop caring or being concerned just because we're getting divorced.

I find it strange that she lets me see that part of her. You'd think she'd put on a happy front for me, if for no other reason than to give me the perception that she's happy with her decision. That confuses the hell out of me.

sad dad

<small>[ June 30, 2003, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

It's so hard to know just what exactly is preventing her from doing anything.

I have a friend who is the type to never want to have responsibility for anything. She'll suggest things to do and then wait to see if you'll put them together, if you don't she'll call and ask if anyone is working on it. In everything in her life, she wants someone else at the wheel...but she wants to be a back seat driver.

But she's been that way her entire life. Your wife, if I remember, used to do more for herself? I guess I relate back to how I was. I can plan things, I'm responsible and have no problem taking charge of getting something done...but when it came to the divorce...it was really really icky to think about. Each move I made in the direction of total independance brought on panic. So I moved as slowly as possible. Every time I'd try to rip that bandaid off, it was just emotional overload. And I was TRYING to sort it all out. Your wife seems to be trying to hide completely. I still say she's depressed.

But sad dad...at this point she's still no further along emotionally so there probly isn't much you can do for her. Unless one of her family or a close friend reaches out and helps her pull her head out, she'll probly drift along until she finds another person of the opposite sex who wants to 'rescue' her. Then she'll be filled with life and energy again long enough to cut the cord completely. You've waited long enough...you've done absolutely all you can...I say it's time to take the wheel and give her what she insisted she wanted...her complete independance.

I don't know how much contact you have with her, but one final thing you could do...if you have any notion to give it one last shot...is to do a 180 when you're in contact with her. You've done Plan A and Plan B with little notice on her part. But a 180 is VERY noticable. My husband inedvertantly did that, and it was hugely noticed. Because all of a sudden he wasn't sad all the time, which made me feel guilty, and he wasn't trying to win me over, which just flipped my ego button into gear and turned me into mega b*tc*...he was in a hurry to go (evident he had other places to be and things to do and PEOPLE to see), he didn't seem to care much about chit chat (had his own life), and he took NO NOTICE of me as a whole. It was like I was a customer of his...instead of his soon to be ex. It was a weird feeling.

Anyway, good luck Sad dad. I know you've been trying to decipher her for a long time now. I hope you're having a good summer with your daughter!!

H4F,

My W was always pretty much a take charge type, but when it comes to the D, she's hands off, probably for the same reasons you were, she doesn't want to deal with the nuts and bolts of it.

It's very likely my W will not deal with the mess she's made of her life until I'm long gone, but I hope she gets to the point where she does. At least then maybe she can learn and grow and gain something from this. On the other hand, she can continue to blame me and that's something I can't be a part of anymore.

A month ago, you might say I did a 180. For the first time I told her I want to get this over with and get on with my life. I told her how I felt about her settlement proposal and that I was ready to take it before the judge. Two days later I was served with discovery and a petition for CS. It almost seemed like a reactionary move on her part. Last week, I told her let's just have our lawyers get together and get this settled as soon as possible. My lawyer sent a letter to her's last Friday asking to schedule a meeting between the four of us. Is that a 180? I don't know, but hopefully this will all be over soon.

Thanks,
sad dad

I got a phone call from my W today regarding the letter my lawyer sent to hers about scheduling a settlement meeting. My W and/or her lawyer don't want the four of us meeting, instead they want the lawyers to meet and only bring my W and I in if necessary. What's the point? Regardless of whatever the lawyers agree on, they'll both have to come back to us to approve it, which will only drag it out. In the mean time, we keep lining their pockets with every phone call or revision.

I told her I'd call my lawyer and ask her to CALL my W's lawyer to discuss it, no faxes or letters. It's ridiculous. Now the lawyers have to agree on how we're going to try to reach an agreement.

To me it's pretty simple. We all get together and either we reach an agreement or we don't and it goes to court. Why get in a situation where my lawyer calls me, then she calls my W's lawyer, who in turn calls my W and so on and so on...

My W always wanted the D. Well, I've finally given up and I'm ready to get it over with as quickly as possible, but she doesn't want to be part of the settlement process. Can someone please explain this to me?

sad dad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sad dad:
<strong>.....My W always wanted the D. Well, I've finally given up and I'm ready to get it over with as quickly as possible, but she doesn't want to be part of the settlement process. Can someone please explain this to me?

sad dad</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will try. IMHO, your W wants to push you so that you can be blamed for the D. You don't allow her to do so quite as easy as she'd like and so she rebels. Confusion reigns high during this rebellion.....

How to handle it? Hm..... I am sure you will get many ideas here, so here's mine:

1. Let her know that she can do whatever she wants to make her happy.

2. Let her know that you would like for her to be happy (WS' don't want to hear that but it is sure a motivator).

3. Let the lawyers know that your W prefers NOT to be around the meeting but you want to be there.

4. Hint to them that maybe, she is leaving the decision up to whoever wants to take the blame. Since you maybe the blame point anyway, why not go for the gusto and take as much as you can. Kinda like war $$. Getting paid to take the fall.

5. Position yourself so that every time she tries to throw stuff on you, you let it slide right off and give it back to her

ex 1:

WS: I am mad that you are dragging out the D.

BS: Yes, I am mad that you are dragging out the D.

WS: I don't want us to be there when the lawyers meet.

BS: Ok, you don't want to be there when the lawyers meet.

WS: You are going to take me for all my $$.

BS: ok, if that's what makes you happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

sad dad,
well this looks like what happened with our court thing..the lawyers are playing both of you.

it is them dragging it out..to line their pockets..
I recognize what is happening becauses they did it to me..I learned about my lawyer asking for disvovery after the fact.I got it in the mail the same time my lawyers husband did..

I had NOTHING to do with it..other then know she did it..
I never signed anything any papers of any kind.
have you signed anything??

they would also schedule things..then one of them would apply for a continuance at MY expense go to court..of course I Was told I was not needed there..shrug..but I paid for the time..paper work

I think I bought property for her in colorado..lol

I Think if you talked to your wife..you would find out..she wants to work on it..with you..but has been convinced by her lawyer it is hopeless..and she will blossom without you, once she is on her own. they call you "SICK PUPPIES"

what do your lawyers call us??
I finally had nediation because she wanted a 2 day trial and hang him..I wanted it over with at least expense and to just get on with it..so I could at least have some life again..

I sort of did "NOTHING" was not good for anything..slept..and ate and that was it..hours on end..lost my will to live..because HE was my other half..and people made me sick..saying I was co-dependent yada yada..I think alot of the problems was my denial for so long how he treated me.it became a game to him..but I did not want a divorce...and I fought it for 3 years and it is a legal separation..only because he wanted to get rid of me...and take everything from me..he and my son were out for blood..from me..took my life as I knew it.....
well I am not sure but think the lawyers are running the show..how often does yours consult you before the facts??

think about it..before giving go aheads..every time they go to contact send a letter it is $150.00 for just letter plus the conference call..
I spent well over $30,000.00 so it makes me sad...I thought I would get it back.if we went to trial things would of been alot different..he would of had to pay me back monies spent..but I just wanted the pain to stop..
has it..no it has not..and he is dead and things will never be resolved..I have questions that are still unanswered..but at least I am not a bag lady....(my story on emotional board now..go read..
hugss.......keep on keeping on..

no I never cheated..never wanted to..never thought about it..still do not want anyone else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I spoke to my lawyer on Thursday and she told me she never talked to my W's lawyer, but her paralegal did and my W's lawyer told her they want no part of a settlement conference of any kind. They want me to respond to their settlement proposal in writing and take it from there, so that's what I'll be doing. I would have done this months ago, but they have yet to comply with discovery. They are unwilling to provide documentation of my W's retirement benefits.

In their "revised" settlement proposal, they omitted the part where they asked for half of my retirement benefits, a sure sign that they know hers are more and a poor attempt to get me to relinquish my claims to hers. That's something I cannot do since I have no idea what I'd be entitled to, but it's obviously significant.

I still don't understand why they are unwilling to try to settle this out of court. The worst that could happen is that we get nowhere, but if this is the way they want to go about it, I have no choice. I was willing to make this as simple, painless and inexpensive as possible, but it's out of my hands. I'm ready to let her go to have the life she wanted and the chance to find her happiness wherever it lies. Why she's not jumping at the chance is beyond me. Could it be she realizes once the D is over, she won't be able to use it or me as an excuse anymore? Is it a case of "be careful what ask for..."? I don't know and I'm to frustrated and tired to care anymore.

sad dad

SadDad
first I keep forgetting to tell you how precious your little girl is..I love the pic of the two of you..my gosh she is just so sweet and petite and so feminine..lol..Hug her for me..I bet she is the apple of daddy eye...

well with a mediation..it is only $400.00 and you can both be in separate rooms..at the same time..lawyer with her..and you with yours..and the mediator goes back and fourth..
it is quite simple really..and stupid to think we have to do this...to someone we were married to..
that we cannot sit and discuss things...peacfully.

in the long run..your retirement is half hers..and same with hers..
make sure.you let them know you want part of hers..because if something were to happen to you or your job..in the near future you would have none..but this way your both protected..it was a partnership..equal..

I Am so sorry she is dragging this out..there are no words to fix the pain..I know..I still cry nights thinking of how and why of it all..

people so in love and then the fight of the
divorce procedding is hell on earth..makes
us feel, like just walking away and giving them it all..but then that would be what they want..and also would not be good for us in the long run..

I so appreciate your honesty on the boards..
but I truly am sorry your having to go through the heartbreak of it all..

you seem to have your head on right..and goodlooking..and work hard..and seem loyal to her, it is a shame she cannot just stop and look at the whole picture..and forgive herself..

but..guess what..? your going to be ok..and you won't jump into anything, but love that lil girl of yours so she does not end up seeking men for the wrong reason..

Take care and keep on keeping on..

I wish I had a wand to wave to make it all better..everyone here would be happy..

I would wave it over all..and say BE HAPPY..wonder what the happiness would be..lol
would we all be together with spouse, or would they be doing something else..

what would be your wish????
think about it...God bless....

oh yeah if you go to trial each day is $2,000.00 each and I am sure they will try to sock you for that and all her lawyers fees to boot..
make sure you include that part in your papers..
when you present them to the judge..that she be responsible for her own lawyer fees...and you yours..my lawyer told me I could go after him..after wards for the money I spent on her..I told her forget about it..I paid it..and it was part of my maintnance I got..so I did not want to do any more court or lawyer things..grrrrr..had enough..
but they really do sock it to ya..geeeeeee.
the break down in the bills cracks me up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

sadeyes,

I only have time for a quick response.

First, thank you for the kind words and compliments.

Secondly, mediation would be great, it worked so well for custody. However my lawyer told me mediation for financial issues is not an option in my state. I wish it were. Thanks.

sad dad

I agree with hope4future. I think your wife is definitely clinically depressed. Has she ever tried anti depressants?

I think she is dragging her heels because she didn't get the deal she imagined and when the divorce is finalized she will have to confront and live with that fact. Right now she can always think to herself that her lawyers could hammer something better out- it hasn't been resolved, it's not etched in stone. So she will delay, delay, delay in order to avoid facing reality. Also depression breeds inertia.

It's hard and I feel for you- what a frustrating situation. I think you have to push forward as best you can- while accommodating her lawyers to an extent. Hopefully it will all be settled in the next few months.

best wishes....

espoir,

No, she has never tried antidepressants, but at times has tried drinking her troubles away, although she never would admit that. She has never seen a therapist or a doctor even at the urging of her sister and myself. Remember, the problem isn't her it's me. I'm the cause of her unhappiness, the D dragging out is why she's unhappy, she's unhappy with her job...yada, yada,yada.

I realize that the longer this drags out, the longer it will be until she faces the reality of the mess she's made of her life, if that ever happens. She may just continue to blame me for that, but I'll have moved on and my contact with her will be limited to co-parenting issues. She wants her freedom, she's got it. I really hope someday she gets to the root of her problems and finds what she needs to be happy. She's a wonderful person and deserves to be happy.

sad dad

just bumping up