I am just a poor boy though my story's seldom told, I have squandered my resistance, for a pocketful of mumbles such a promise as...all eyes in jest....still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.<P>These words from "TheBoxer" by Simon & Garfunkel sort of sum up the way I am feeling right now. I know that Annie has been on here alot and this is the first you've heard of me. But I feel that its time my side was heard. <P>Annie and I have been together for 9years. And we've been through alot of tough times over these 9 years. Her family has always treated me like I was some type of an awful criminal. And I could never figure out why because nobody ever treated me like this before. <P>From what Annie has told me and what I have seen myself, I find her mother is somebody less than desirable. I've seen Annie's behavior and I directly relate this to her upbringing. Throughout our relationship I have always been honest, upfront, and openly communicative with her. But she has always been inhibited around me. What she is afraid of I dont' understand. But through all the turmoil from when she rolled over her car, her surgery (which i cared for her for 2 weeks, carrying her around, bathing her,etc) I have always loved her, been faithful to her, and I still love her very much...perhaps more than ever.<P>Understand that I was single till I was 37. I've dated many women but none of them had a quality that made me want to stay with them. I am of the belief that when you marry its forever. So you'd better make a wise choice and make sure that you're compatible. Such was the case with Annie. She did things for me that no other woman did: her spirit, her caring and loving of life, her honesty, and her love for me. Through all this strife we've stuck everything out and we've always been together. Understand that I am a monogamous man who believes strongly in commitment and one's word. I gave that to her in our wedding vows.<P>When Annie and I started our own business I knew that it would be tough. Starting your own business always is..and it takes time for you to make money..a profit! but good things take alot of work. About a year and a half ago we took on a client that we should not have. I dont want to go into detail but to say that these clients though very rich were absolutely overbearing is putting it mildly. They monopolized our time and we were constantly on their property and neglected our other more deserving clients , as well as ourselves. This situation created a tremendous amount of stress between Annie and I. It also was costing us money. Annie soured towards the business and then we went online where she met what I consider a predator. This individual much less of a man than I am got inside her head. At that time Annie was stressed out and emotionally weak, thus he stole her from me. He took her across the country..took from her what he wanted, and when he had his fill..abandoned her 3000 miles from home. He went into her purse and stole her money and left her with $8.00. And drove away in his car. She called me and wanted to come home. I said yes. <P>Over the next 2 weeks she continued to communicate with him, hiding it from me. But I could see that she still was. This caused alot of problems between us. She said she still loved him and the only reason she came back was because he didn't want her and she felt the reason was physical. Why can't she understand that this piece of trash that abandoned his wife and 2 daughters and I'm sure has had many affairs and will continue to do so, used her and threw her away. He did not love her and I believe that she did not truly love him. Finally, she ended the affair 2 nights ago online. But she still carries this memory. She tells me that he is more attractive than me and turned her on. But on the other hand, he is an immature, cowardly, gutless, and sexually inadequate individual incapable of responsibility, affection, or honor. She has told me that I am much more of a man than he is physically and emotionally. she tells me that I am handsome and built better. What I cant understand is that if this is all true, then why can she not see that reality and come back with me and make life better than before. I have forgiven her and i want our lives back.<P>Eventhough all of this has happened, and believe me there is more to tell but space is a limiting factor here...I love her deeply.<P>We have a business that is on the verge of being very successful but she wants to run away from it. I have been running the business and doing the work ..and trying to get things back on track. She is an integral part of that business and I wish I could restore her spirit, passion, self-respect, and her love for me. <P>I love her more than before..and I want to do all those things that we should have been doing..PLEASE HELP ME..I cant lose her now.<P>"In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade, and he carries the reminders, of every glove that's laid him down or cut him till he's cried out..in his anger and his shame.......I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains."

WOW! I hope my H follows suit and shows up here one day... I've asked him!<P>You love your W, that's one BIG point for you, you came here because you want to work on your marriage, another point, and you sure can WRITE!! Very impressive!<P>Thanks for sharing your side of the story. There's always two sides, and it's good to hear yours.<P>I'm sure you'll get lots of wonderful advice from everyone. I think you're doing everything right and wish you continued fortitude to go through what's probably going to be the most difficult time in your marriage.<P>Best wishes to you and welcome!!

Sit down with her, take her by the hand, seize the moment, and thank God above for being permitted to know this love you have for the gift He gave us men . . . One day, we will all be old and grey. One day, we shall all regret not reaching out for the new, and letting go of the past. Do not judge this OM. Do not judge your wife. Do not judge yourself. Judge not, least ye be judged accordingly. Love one another as if each breath were your last. Forgive one another unconditionally . . . and really mean it. Love, for real, will not fade away .

Hi Joe,<BR> what Annie is dealing with is called withdrawl, the op becomes like a drug, very addictive.You have come to the right place for help. Dr. Harley has a lot of good info on this site. I have heard 'surviving an affair" is an execllent resource. My h lurks here he has also posted too. And I know it helped me see that he was trying to help me to rebuild the trust after his last affair. Just keep doing your best, thats all you can do, and be patient with your w, she needs that now. Sounds like she is one lucky woman to have someone who loves her that much, even if she doesn't see it yet.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

"When the Lord is working on a rebellious soul, it is a mistake to run to their aid too quickly. You may interfere with the Lord's work."<P>Personally I am not a religious man, but I think maybe the spirit of this saying is good. I mean, if she "hides" things from you, "only came back because he dumped her", etc., then I think it is a mistake to take her back unconditionally or too soon. She needs to be at a place where she is willing to rebuild and commit to the relationship. She needs to be able to see it in terms of both her own self interest, and the better interest of the larger group (family, friends, children, YOU, etc.). Until she reaches that place she will not be able to commit in the same way you have. It doesn't sound to me like she is there.<P>You can't rush her and you can't help her. Just read the posts to see how many "betrayed" people have tried to "work" on the relationship before their spouse was ready and you will see how effective it is. (It isn't. If anything it has the exact opposite effect.) Dr. Harley's Plan A - Plan B approach is a good one, but the one thing I will notice about it is that it does not ever ask the betrayer to do anything. First you are nice, then, if you can't take it anymore, you break contact. But you never ask your spouse to start something he or she isn't ready to do yet. You be nice, you break contact. The betrayer is not expected to do anything until they are ready.<P>It takes a while for a person to come down from the craziness of an affair. It is very emotionally and intellectually damaging. Her self-esteem is under enormous pressure from her conscience, not to mention the fear of potentially damaging consequences. She may not able to face any of that right now, for fear of overwhelming herself. Let her take it a day at a time. We all learn at our own pace, but most people do learn.<P>The hardest thing for a person to do is admit they made a mistake. And the bigger the mistake, the harder it is to admit. Some say the measure of a person is how big the largest mistake they ever owned up to was.<BR>

hi joe, welcome to the forum. Just to say I feel for you. Give her some time and work on what you want and what you need to keep the marriage together. Be gentle!!<BR>carlton, some interesting advice, and very prudent. Yes, we should be thankful for so much that we do not see. Sometimes it is easier to wallow in the pain than to see the beautiful things we are given daily.

Joe!! So glad you could join us.<P>I would like to give you a little insight into the betrayers mind so you can understand where she's coming from and why she's doing the things she does. Deb alluded to it in her post. Your wife is going through withdrawal. The OM, regardless of how terrible he may or may not be, is an addiction to her. Intellectually, she can understand that you are the better man to be with, but emotionally that doesn't matter. She is addicted to him. It will take some time for it to wear off. How much time? Well, I don't really know that. I'm still having withdrawal pains from my OW, and I've had no contact for longer than 2 months. It's really sucky for the both of you. She'll be depressed and distant all the time, and you'll be hurting because of her betrayal and because of her unresponsiveness.<P>It's really important during this time to have no love-busting behavior. Let her only see the loving side of you. Do not be judgemental. Not of her or of the OM. In fact, try to steer clear of mentioning the OM if you can. I realize this will be incredibly hard, and you'll probably have a few love-busting moments anyway, but try to keep them to a minimum. Eventually, I'm sure your wife will see that she does indeed love you.<P>good luck Joe, and keep us posted!<BR>--andy