My wife has decided to stay, and is now very loving and caring. She admitted that she had bee having these feelings for quite some time, but fought them because she was afraid. My question is how do you get the fire back? I Love my wife, and I want to be with her, but I just don’t feel like I think I should feel.

I know many people have told me that this is “normal” and it’s a self-defense/protection thing. But, how long does this last? Will it ever return to the point where I think it should? Related but somewhat of a different subject; I have not been able to make love to my wife. When we have sex it is unbelievable, but it’s just sex. And, many times while we are having sex I’m thinking of her with someone else. I’m quite sure this is normal also, but I’m wondering how to get over this and move on.

Thanks & God Bless.

TM-

I wish I knew what to say, but I've never been in recovery so I have no frame of reference.

All I can suggest is just be open and honest with your W about this. I think it may have a lot to do with vulnerability on your part. If you allow yourself to feel that way about her then you're allowing room for potential hurt.

I say that as you begin to trust her again, this will diminish, but it doesn't happen over night. It takes time and patience.

I think you're doing fine though.

I have seen it happen lots of times before you.

Continue the 4 rules -
Care
Protection
Honesty
Time

Kily is right, share your feelings and ask for help. Tell her you believe it is just a matter of time but ask her to help with patience and love while you both work on things.

Spend as much time with her alone as you can.

How long does it take to heal after major surgery?
Depends on the operation, and yours was about as major as it gets.

I wish I had some new quick fix for you, but I don't. Just the same old slow ones as before. They do work.

SS

Kily, SS,
Thank you. I guess I knew the answer to the question before I asked it. I think I'm just looking for some type of validation because right now I feel like I've worked so hard for something to find out that's not what I really want. I know this isn't true, that's just how I feel right now.

I've told her how I feel, and that from everyone I talk to it's normal. But, when we do talk about it she withdraws because she is afraid of being hurt too. I guess one of us will have to break down and take one for the team so to speak.

Good Luck and God Bless

TM-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've told her how I feel, and that from everyone I talk to it's normal. But, when we do talk about it she withdraws because she is afraid of being hurt too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a very natural reaction for both you and your wife. A person's wall goes up when they are facing deep pain and hurt. When you open up to your wife, she is realizing just how much she hurt you and doesn't know how to face that. The thing that I can suggest is to get completely "real" with her.

I don't know how you present your feelings to her when you talk. I want to suggest that you try something like:

W - I'd like to talk about this and I want to make sure that you are in a place where you are comfortable with discussing <insert topic here>. In sharing this with you, I'm not laying blame. I'm just trying to let you in so we both can understand what I feel. I am exploring this with you because I don't know what is wrong. I feel like sharing it with you will help us both figure it out together...

My thoughts on this are that if you turn it 45 degrees and actively have her participate, it becomes less blaming and more condusive to problem solving. Also if she isn't comfortable, you prepare her so that when the time is right, you both are ready to face tough issues.

JMHT

TM there are times (particularly if I'm under stress) when my W approaches me for some affectionate response from me, and even though I may not be in the mood for showing her affection in the form of a long and loving kiss, I do it anyway. You know what happens to me after the first few seconds of kissing her? my reluctance vanishes and is replaced with my desire to return affection. If you haven't tried it, then consider trying it BUT don't do it as a prelude for sex otherwise she'll start to beleive that she can only receive affection from you if you want sex from her. It's amazing how a person's mood can change with a little bit of self induced pressure.

Kily,
I haven’t presented it to her like you suggest before. Normally when the subject comes up I just try to explain myself. It’s usually something along the lines of “I got so used to you not wanting to be around me, not wanting to hear from me, not wanting to talk to me, etc. that it will just take time for me to come back around”. Now I see where that would put more pressure on her, and appears to blame her. I will try your approach and see if that works better. Thank You!

2MCM,
Yes, I’ve found myself in those situations as well. There have been several times where she has approached me and I wasn’t in the mood, or was feeling a little overwhelmed. But, I’ve also found that when I respond to her during these times that I eventually relax and my mood changes. As far as the affection and sex issue goes; that was a BIG issue for us before. My sex drive was unbelievable and she was just “along for the ride”. So, now when I do show affection she still sees that as me trying to get some. Our roles have reversed a bit as of lately, but our IC says that’s because of the counseling and the stages that we are both going through right now.

Thanks guys, Good Luck and God Bless

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, now when I do show affection she still sees that as me trying to get some.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's time to prove her wrong and give her a big smooch without any strings attached.

TM,
I thought a little more about you, and maybe I'll comment on what I think I see.

You are a very intelligent person, perhaps ahead of the curve. I think you often find yourself understanding things before others and waiting for them to catch up.

You understood the MB concepts early on, and often we made suggestions for things you were already doing. I was ( and continue to be ) impressed..

However, you have emotions, and they don't readily respond to logic. Your feelings are important, they are part of you, and you can't force them to come along as fast as your mind is going. Perhaps force is the wrong word, I don't think you want to force them, but I do think you wish your feelings would catch up with what you *think* you know. Sometimes the time lag causes you to doubt that knowledge.

I still think you will be OK. I believe you will get through this one too. It's a leap of faith to go from where you are now to where you BOTH want to be. It's worth it, even if it takes a while.

I am not sure where your discipline came from, but its plain to me that you have it. I think you can hold on as long as it takes, even though you don't know in advance just how long that will be. I think you know that too, but it's still hard, even when you know.

My feeling is that you will get there in time. I hope you laugh when you read this, and say, " Yeah, he's probably right."

SS