Hi All-

I guess the caption says it all. I'm feeling very "doomed" lately. I'm concerned that it's time to go on some Anti- D's again.

It just seems like everything is out of synch for me and no matter what I do or how hard I work, the spiral continues. I can't seem to get on track - back into that mode where life is coasting and things are running like clockwork. It's like I'm off my path and I can't find the starting place. I keep asking God to reveal it to me, but I'm at a loss to hear his calling.

At work I am being harassed daily by a male co-worker (He's married with 3 kids). I've complained but have been told basically that I knew what it would be like working with men when I agreed to take the job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I've been in this situation before and have been made to feel like it was my fault by personnell in past companies. My focus is off now and I'm making stupid mistakes. I feel like all of my training is meanignless and that I really don't know anything. I guess you could say that I'm having a crisis of esteem. I do feel in my heart that my time at my job is at an end, but again, I'm waiting for the message of where I'm supposed to be and I don't receive it.

On top of that I am dealing with this acceptance thing of Xs and GF's happy life together. I'm still bending over backwards to accomodate X because to do anything else is LBing, and I'm feeling very much alone and frustrated. I don't think of myself as a victim, and I'm trying to have faith. Sometimes I just want to lash out and force things to happen my way - but I realize that this is just my fear talking.

I am reaching a place in my heart though where I don't want to give anymore. I want my life more simple and that means uprooting DS and changing schools. More trauma for him so I can be comfortable (and feel like I'm settling down). It also means forcing the house settlement which is long overdue. I'm really afraid to cut those ties, but at the same time I need to resolve this. In my mind, I've been holding this off because the economic impact would be devastating to X. He would have to sell, and he would hate me because of this.

It's so scary being where I'm at because I don't want to fall back into that dark despair known as depression. Being here just makes me feel like all that hard work that I've been doing is meaningless because I'm depressed all over again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Then I read on these boards how WS have no morales and they don't have consciounces. I read how evil they are and I take it personally. I wasn't evil or without morales. I made bad choices in a time of weakness that I will forever regret. It doesn't mean that I am clueless and not worthy of love and affection...

Well, I'm going to go to church now and say some prayes. Usually that helpes me feel better.

Honestly, I feel better now just writing down my thoughts and having someone there to read them.

Thanks for reading, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily,

Ok! Let's get down to business. First, get the house sorted out. The interest rates as low as they are ever going to be. If your xBF cannot afford the house and his fiance cannot help that is not YOUR problem. Your xBF is your xBF and her fiance' it is there problem.

Push it and get it DONE. NOW! Do you hear?

Next, find a place you want to live and go their. Your S will survive moving schools, but more importantly he will be happier if you are happier. I know it is rough to move schools, but it can and should be done if you don't like where you are. I am NOT saying just move anytime you feel like it, and you aren't the type of person, but simple get your life comfortable.

Next, about the job and the harrassment. Deal with it like men do. We hide our feelings, we do our job, and we put people in their place with a well placed comment of two. Basically, tell the guy to BUZZ off until he decides to become a team player and then walk off. He will HAVE to work with you, and you do him, but you don't have to show him any respect. That will start to make him think.

Finally, the THING you must do, is ... SMILE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Yup, when you tell that sucker off, smile the whole time. ENJOY your work, and it will make him look like a fool, and other people will be on your side. Humor, smiles, and a light heart are a great defense against idiots. It bugs them because they don't know what you are smiling about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Next, go home and SMILE, your DS will love it, your face will get the kind of lines men love (trust me on that), and you will find that your life is better than you think.

So you got the check list, go do it.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At work I am being harassed daily by a male co-worker (He's married with 3 kids). I've complained but have been told basically that I knew what it would be like working with men when I agreed to take the job. I've been in this situation before and have been made to feel like it was my fault by personnell in past companies. My focus is off now and I'm making stupid mistakes. I feel like all of my training is meanignless and that I really don't know anything. I guess you could say that I'm having a crisis of esteem. I do feel in my heart that my time at my job is at an end, but again, I'm waiting for the message of where I'm supposed to be and I don't receive it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a totally unacceptable and unprofessional behavior not only from this co-worker but from the company human resources people. If this harassment continues, I'd suggest that you go to an attorney and have him/her writte a letter to the human resources honcho. The last thing a company needs, especially a startup, is bad publicity and a costly harassment lawsuit on their hands. Your boss(es) need to understand that this man is not only your problem but more THEIR problem because he IS not only endangering the company's profitability but its survival as well. A letter from your attorney MAY be that wake up call they need to take corrective action.

JL-

Yes, I'm working on the house. My attourney has a habit of not returning my calls.

In fact I just called her and it turns out that there was a hearing scheduled for this morning that she missed in regards to the custody settlement of DS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Now it's being moved to the 23rd of this month. She asked about CS. I told her that I think DS should have it.

X borrowed 10.2 G's from the equity without my knowledge and I had to get proof of this before I could progress any further. I finally got what I needed - He intercepted a mailing to me from the mortgage company- and contacted her. Now we just have to reach an agreement. This is the hard part. He still doesn't want to admit that I have an entitlement and I have to FIGHT for everything. I'm exhausted and I don't want to play anymore.

As far as the move goes, I've already done that. Unfortunately, due to a court agreement, DS stays where he is. Like I said, I'm driving an hour every day to drop him off and pick him up and X gets to have the convininece of driving down the street. I feel like I'm a darned doormat! He can come and go as he pleases in DS's life and I'm the one that is consistently there.

Again it's an issue of my lawyer not responding to my calls. I need to register him for school, and I was informed that I'm the custodial parent. I've also been told to wait by my lawyer and not do anything! So - I'm stuck. I guess I will know it all on the 23rd.

I went out to lunch and sat at the bar with complete strangers. (No alcohol for me, I drink smoothies instead <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) I just needed to be around people and I feel 100% better. I'm smiling - Thanks.

TMCM- YOu are 100% correct sir. Unfortunately, I am a single mom that is terrified of loosing her income. No job - No kids. My lawyer can't seem to get her act together with the house and kid issues. I sincerely doubt that she'd do any better in this issue. I'm simply frightened that they will find SOME way of getting rid of me once anything further happens. It's the classic harrasment trap.

My boss even told me to sit on his lap last week so we could talk about the first thing to pop up! In front of other co-workers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I just need to get moving forward....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kily:

"My boss even told me to sit on his lap last week so we could talk about the first thing to pop up! In front of other co-workers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What's the name of the company your work for? Neanderthals-R-Us? No I take that back, Neanderthals were much more evolved on the evolutionary scale to your boss and harassing co-worker (these two are still walking on all fours) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

TMCM-

Thanks - you certainly have the right words to get me to smile.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Things will get better. I know I'm just at the bottom of the coaster this week. 1 more day until a three day weekend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey Kily, is there a place in your office or cubicle to place a poster of baboons in the wild? you can writte the name of the company underneath it and give your boss and co-worker a banana for being good primates. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

A chimpanzee with his mouth spread wide, and a Baboons bum! Perfect.

Actually, I have a co-worker assisting me in my plight. She has wired a camera and aims it directly into my cubicle. Anything that goes on is being recorded by our own product!

This way when the time is right, I have all the proof I need if it gets that far...

It sucks, but I can always get sexual assault charges filed based on what is captured. Too bad she's on vacation this week.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This way when the time is right, I have all the proof I need if it gets that far... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't forget to send a copy of Mr Baboon shenanigans to his W. She's definetely going to go ape. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Kily,
Your current situation sucks! Now, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. You say your sick of your job, feel useless, etc.? Don't sit back out of fear and not pursue the harassment, as you should. Maybe this is His way of moving you on? Now, would I have the guts to follow my own advice if I was a single mom with a crapy lawyer? I dunno..... But it sounds good doesn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

On a serious note; smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , even though you don’t want to. YOU are the only 1 who knows if you should go back on the AD’s. You have been there before and you will recognize that hopeless feeling again if/when it comes back. Me personally, I don’t know if I EVER want to come off them!!

What you can do is tell your co-worker (and boss) to F^(% OFF and leave you alone. Don’t sugar coat it, just spell it out for them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I’m a guy; last time I checked if a woman was unbelievably rude to me (or extremely insulting) I would tend to avoid her.

Just some suggestions from my little corner of the world. Good Luck and God Bless.

I would like to take a lot longer to say this, I really would, I just don't have much time. I really believe you can get it from just this.

I guess the caption says it all. I'm feeling very "doomed" lately.

"It is always darkest just before the dawn"

I really do think you will understand. That should say everything you need to hear right now.
Kily, what would dawn look like?

SS

Kily,

I thought a lot about your post today before I wanted to reply.

I think the answer, or at least, my take on things, comes from a conversation you and I have had many times in e-mail.

That is this: We can't allow ourselves to let other people be responsible for our happiness.

I think that right now, both you and I aren't the happiest of folks. At least, not all the time. Not as happy as we'd like to be. And I think we're both guilty of having that daydream where our X comes back to us, tearfully, says they are sorry, they miss us, they want us back, they want to try. And in our minds, we think wow, that would be great. If only s/he would do that, I'd be SO happy! My life would be great!

And in doing that, you and I are both relying on someone else to make us happy. To complete our lives, to make us feel less bleak, less depressed. And I think the key to the way you are feeling is to first realize that yes, you ARE a good person. A wise person. A smart person. A person worthy of love. A person worthy of attention. A person who is dedicated to her family. A person who has learned so much. A person that anyone who has in their life is LUCKY to have.

Once you can get to that point, and believe it, and smile, knowing that you are happy with yourself, and that your X coming back to you isn't going to affect your happiness any more than you can affect it yourself, you'll be there.

I am feeling the same way regarding W, you know that. I sometimes feel sad and think that, if only W would come home, I'd be SO happy. But I need to get past that. I need to be happy no matter what. Because if I can't I am relying on someone else to provide that happiness, and that's a recipe for disaster.

Find that happiness within yourself, think of the good times, the times you spent lately on the playground, at the baseball games, buying the bedroom furniture...There are things to be happy about, and things to look forward to. And we both need to realize that, regardless of the next relationship for either of us, we are good people, HAPPY people, who don't need to count on someone else to provide that emotion for us. We can do it just fine on our own.

ALS

Kily,
I know I haven't posted in a while, but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I know things are hard and I hope that you can get the job and your DS's school worked out soon. I think it will bring you more peace of mind. I closed on my house yesterday and got all the money my ex owes me and walked away feeling relieved. I just realized that he just does not get the magnitude of his actions, I don't know if he ever will or if I will care anymore when he does. It is awful to get to that point, yet it also frees up me and my life and makes me want to put my feet forward and move on and live life. I have been in a cave for almost 10 months now, trying to save someone else and that just can't work. My point is- it hurts like hell to move on, but sometimes it is the only way to stay sane. I will pray for you and hope that you can find some peace soon. I will mail you that CD tomorrow- I am sorry it has taken me so long to do it.
Take care!
Your friend, M

Kily-

Can you get a new laywer? I know it is never good to change horses in mid-stream. But come on, if you are paying her and she is not returning your calls and missing dates than some thing needs to change.

I wish I could afford to fly out there and hook up the camera for you! Once you get the proof you need send a copy of the footage to this jerks wife as I am sure she will be surprised. After that, sue him and your company. It is absoultely deplorable that your company is doing nothing about it. Can you get an audio recording of them telling you that there is nothing they are going to do about it? Get them on tape saying it. Also talk about some current events from todays paper to get it date stamped, make sure you say their name and that they respond to it. Than when you have the proof you need, find a shark for a lawyer that is hungry for meat and go get 'em.

Kily,

Gonna take your facts and twist it up a bit. In an effort to lighten your spirits, howz this suggestion:

1. Get a new lawyer, one with a track record of doing the right thing, now!

2. So you say that boss and co-worker find you attractive???? Hm.... WS has his head stuck in the fog???? Ok, what about doing a switch? Introduce your boss and co-worker to OW? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> L.

TMCM-

Both of them are married and I think that a video tape sent once I am in a new place is EXACTLY what is needed - for both.

Thanks for the laughs yesterday. It meant the world to me.

TM-
Gee, I just posted to you two minutes ago!

Thanks for your words..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm smiling and at peace again. I'll get into WHY when I get to Still Seeking's portion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your current situation sucks! Now, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. You say your sick of your job, feel useless, etc.? Don't sit back out of fear and not pursue the harassment, as you should. Maybe this is His way of moving you on? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly. I've been asking, I just haven't been receiving the message properly. I think I'm getting it though...read on.

ALS-

That is the first time I have ever really cried over something you've written to me. Thank you so much for your words. I can't believe how much love and compassion I receive from the people here. I'm really grateful because eaxh of you know how to reach out in exactly the way that I need. I'm pleased to be your friend, and I'm sad at what your W has thrown away. You too will make someone a wonderful partner some day...

Thanks

Hi AG(M)-
I'm so glad to hear that things are getting better for you. Baby steps. I'm okay - just growing pains again. I'll pop you off an email before the weekend.
Hugs.

STTSI-

My plan exactly. I'm fortunate in that I can send the Video broadcast across the intranet. Anyone in the company tuned to that IP address can see what's going on in my cubicle. I just can'y do that now because of the economics. A lot of $ is at stake with options and just general income so I will do as JL and a few others here have said. I've been able to deal with this for two years already. It just seems that it's harder because of everything else that has been going on.

I'll give you guys a buzz over the weekend. (Sat a.m. probably)

Orchid-
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1. Get a new lawyer, one with a track record of doing the right thing, now!

2. So you say that boss and co-worker find you attractive???? Hm.... WS has his head stuck in the fog???? Ok, what about doing a switch? Introduce your boss and co-worker to OW?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The lawyer I HAVE is supposed to be the best. I planned on shopping around on monday to see what else is out there. $200 an hour and you think they would call....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I have actually thought of introducing my OM to his OW!!! Oh that is SO funny. I'm sure they would hit it off too. You just took it 1 step further and I love that idea.

Thanks for the laugh -

Now on to Still Seeking-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> guess the caption says it all. I'm feeling very "doomed" lately.

"It is always darkest just before the dawn"

I really do think you will understand. That should say everything you need to hear right now.
Kily, what would dawn look like? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what - You're right! THAT is all I need to know. Here's why:

Dawn - The most peaceful time of the day. It is the moment between the end of night and the beginning of a new day. It is the time when the airflow is at it's most restful period. Often the only time when Hot Air Balloons can launch. It is a time when the birds start their morning call and most people listen as they are half in and half out of their slumber. It is the moment when off in the distance you might hear a train whistle as it rushes towards the morning pickup stops.

What does this mean to me? I realized it ironically - at dawn - this morning.

The best analaogy for what's happening to me resides in an event that occured in my life when I was 9 years old.

I was visiting my Grandmother in West Virginia and we went swimming in the "boon". This was a natural lake that was formed by runoff icy cold mountain water. The boon wasn't anything terrible, and I had quite a bit of fun.

On the other side of the boon, along the mountain wall, there was a diving platform. My older siblings had made it there and were having a grande old time. I was the baby of the family and I believe that I could make it to the boon. I swam and swam there - and finally I did make it. I was so proud!

I remember my next oldest sister running alongside the diving platform - watching me and encouraging me to keep coming. She was 11 at that time. Well, when I finally reached her, I noticed that the stairs to get to the platform were on the other side of the platform! I tried to pull myself out of the water and onto the platform, but my strength was gone.

I remember looking at my sister, lifting my right hand out, and asking for help. She didn't do anything. I felt myself go under. When I broke back to the surface, I reached the right hand out again, looked her in the eye and screamed at her for help! Again she stood there, not doing anything. Once more, I was pulled under the water.

I broke surface again, and repeated the scenario. I knew in my heart that when I went under this time, I would not resurface. I remember my body completely relaxing at this point because I gave up struggling. I felt myself slip away as I went under the surface of the water.

The next thing I knew, I felt the sensation of hands around my waist. The next sensation I had was that I was coming back to me as I was being lifted up out of the water. It's hard to describe the experience but I felt like an angel had been sent to rescue me.

Afterwards, when I asked my sister why she didn't help me she responded that she thought I was kidding around. She didn't understand how serious that situation was.

Okay so here it comes -

Kily is definately receiving a calling. It's time to stop fighting and it's time to listen to the calling. I realized this morning that I am finally "free". That feeling that so many have described here on the forum that I didn't relate to has finally happened. I remember clearly how Luki explained that he woke up one morning and felt different. I "got it" this morning.

I realize that I explained this the other day, but didn't see it happening to me. I've had another awakening and the sadness was my body and soul's way of grieving and mourning the losses. This morning I woke up and knew that it's time to start really living again.

Thanks to all that care so much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Glad to see you have had a revelation. Now it's just figuring out what He has in store for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

TM-

The beauty in it is that I remembered what I learned and forgot at the age of 9.

When I was fighting and struggling, I grew weak and almost died. I let go because I could do no more. Once I did, God (in the form of some stranger that I thought was an angel) was there to catch me as I fell and he raised me up back into the world.

I'm done swimming against the tide. God has his hands on me now....I know that no matter what happens, it really IS his will.

Oddly enough, today I am full of energy and I can feel life pulsing through my veins. My anxieties are gone and I am super sensitive to everything I touch. I feel replenished. Truthfully the last time I felt this way was the day I felt that warmth touch my heart after the blackness had consumed me. Prior to that, I felt this way artificially while taking an Anti D called serzone.

Thanks

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

kily:

"Then I read on these boards how WS have no morales and they don't have consciounces. I read how evil they are and I take it personally. I wasn't evil or without morales. I made bad choices in a time of weakness that I will forever regret. It doesn't mean that I am clueless and not worthy of love and affection..."

I know this is out there. I know that I've done it, but you know what? Us BSs here have 2 deal with this tendency 2 vilify WSs. Seriously. Otherwise, how the hell can we profess that we want 2 restore our broken M's 2 our "amoral WSs?" Who would want 2, if that's what they are?

On my thread this morning, I described how I said 2 my W last night that there are no innocents, no guilties, injured parties, and certainly nobody intentionally setting out 2 injure others by having As. When it's all over, whether our Rs survive or not, we're all still people with lives 2 lead, Rs 2 have, families 2 love and support.

The best advice I think I've gotten during all this time since D-day is, in effect (because it wasn't stated in these exact words): Don't just 'level the playing field' by working 2ward empathizing with the WS (or BS), do it by realizing that the field was never anything but level 2 begin with. What I mean here is that, particularly after our discussion last night, I truly have come 2 realize that the decline of our M was the "fault" of 2th of us, not just my W, and that the A is really just an elephant. Nothing more. It has no more power over my ability 2 recover than I give it. And so I choose not 2 give it any. And I choose this by consciously making the decision NOT 2 say, "yeah, I'm 50% responsible for our M, but YOU had the A. That's 100% your fault!" It's not an issue, though it sure feels like one when you're dealing with it.

We BSs need 2 show a little more compassion 2 the WSs out there, not just our own. We can start right here on the boards.

♥2long

2long!!!

It's been...well 2long since we've had a deep discussion.

My comments yesterday were coming from a wound that I held from my experiences with X. I also understand "why" BS's need to feel this and express this. I am okay with it, but since I was fighting growth, I was fighting who I was instead of embracing her. That's why it hurt so much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> On my thread this morning, I described how I said 2 my W last night that there are no innocents, no guilties, injured parties, and certainly nobody intentionally setting out 2 injure others by having As. When it's all over, whether our Rs survive or not, we're all still people with lives 2 lead, Rs 2 have, families 2 love and support.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I certainly agree with this 100% I have to say that it takes a lot of hard work, humility, and soul searching for anyone to get to the point of accepting this philosophy. WS, BS, or FS alike.
I think that the reason this caused me so much pain is that I have reached those same conclusions but the people that I love haven't done the work so they don't see it. I can see it all I want, but it doesn't mean that they ever will.

It just means that I have to accept that and recignize that it is not a reflection of me, btut of them. I don't mean that disrespectfully.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The best advice I think I've gotten during all this time since D-day is, in effect (because it wasn't stated in these exact words): Don't just 'level the playing field' by working 2ward empathizing with the WS (or BS), do it by realizing that the field was never anything but level 2 begin with. What I mean here is that, particularly after our discussion last night, I truly have come 2 realize that the decline of our M was the "fault" of 2th of us, not just my W, and that the A is really just an elephant. Nothing more. It has no more power over my ability 2 recover than I give it. And so I choose not 2 give it any. And I choose this by consciously making the decision NOT 2 say, "yeah, I'm 50% responsible for our M, but YOU had the A. That's 100% your fault!" It's not an issue, though it sure feels like one when you're dealing with it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree completely. Until you were willing to seek that out, did you blame, and self protect? Would you find anger and faukt towards someone that told you those words while you were struggling to understand?

Now that you do understand, it doesn't make it easier, but it gives you different tools to work at it with.

Personally, I feel you and I are standing on the same path right now, but our journeys are so different! Pretty cool.

For me, I no longer am looking for blame or forgiveness. I don't need approval and acceptance. I'm looking for my purpose and if someone comes my way along that path, then I will be happy. If not, I will still be happy. My "field" is level and I am better today than I have ever been.

Thanks my friend,