when my wife tells me in a calm voice that she does not love me, if she agrees to stay in this marriage she will never love me, is that a sign that it is over?

I don't understand...well, I do. Its the other man. she just can't stand to be away from him. She tried, but he's right back. I am not leaving my home with my children. She says she is moving out this month. I really think this is it now. My marriage is over. My children will suffer as a result. I think she really does not love me.

It's FAR, FAR from over. What your W told you is what EVERY PERSON in an affair says. An affair is like a powerful addiction where one temporarily loses their mind. They all say and do the same thing. I am sure she is also busy rewriting history and trying to portray your marriage as a dismal failure and a mistake even though you thought it was pretty good!

So just settle down and don't lose hope. Start working on executing a good Plan A and come here for support. Read EVERYTHING on this website and start a program of attraction at home. Try to identify any unmet needs in your W that might have led to this affair and TRY to meet her needs. Cease all lovebusters. No crying, no pleading, no relationship "talk."

Whatever you do, DON'T LEAVE your home and don't let her take the kids. If she wants a separation, then let her move out.

Thanks. It is just so hard...and I'm so sad.

yes, hon, we know. It is devastating. But we are here to help you through this and have been through it ourselves. It is certainly not the end of your marriage, but the beginning of your work.

At this moment in time, her addiction to the OM is so strong that there is nothing you can do except expose the A to his W(if he is married) and to your close family and friends(this is part of Plan A). In the meantime avoid all love busters (angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, and selfish demands) and if she truly moves out, then I would suggest that you writte her a Plan B letter.

Might be a good idea to calmly and quietly ask her the following question 'Would you stop loving one our kids if s/he told you that s/he didn't love you?'

I'm tempted to have my 8 year old go to her and say, "Mommy, please don't leave. We love the two of you and Daddy loves you too. Please don't take us away from him. Please don't leave".

She is so consummed by this man she will probably tell him, no.

It is such a shame.

You may be tempted .... but, I'm certain you already know this would be a gross thing to do to an 8 year old.

Don't you even do that to that child. That is emotional manipulation of a child. He needs you to be strong right now, Solon. He needs at least one sane parent and you have to be it right now.

Please don't use your child as a pawn in an attempt to emotionally blackmail your W to stay. Your job as a father is to protect your child from your W's selfish behavior NOT use her as a sacrificial lamb for your purposes, no matter how noble the cause.

I know. I won't do that. I just wish someone could get through to her. I cannot understand how she can do this to her children whom she says she loves so much. We live in an apt. now. Every night she hears my son pray for a house. She knows that the only way we can get a house is together, yet she would rather deny him a house and not only that, but have him living in two different apartments each week.

And why? All because she wants to please another man. That is sad.

Yes it is sad that a parent would be so selfish by having an A and not be concerned about how his/her behavior affects not only the BS but the children as well. But you can't control another adult from doing what s/he choses to do, but you can control your own actions and learn to positively deal with the upheaval. Since she hasn't moved out yet, please Plan A her (no love busters and expose her A to the OM's spouse, and both of your close family and friends).

the last two days I haven't mentioned anything to her about the relationship, her moving out, her loser "male" friend, or anything. We speak briefly, I play with the kids and I put them to sleep (she still sleeps in the other room). Each morning I get up and prepare the kids' lunches, breakfast, and the kids themselves for the day. I also wash the dishes from the night before.
So she has it pretty easy. I believe each day my heart is growing stronger and stronger.

Solon ..... start doing something highly unusual for you ..... something cool and up-beat and unexpected.

Start to sing around the house?
Start to take dance lessons?
Start to exercise? Bring home a yoga video?
Change your wardrobe just enought to be noticed as different? Hawaiian shirts?
Start to laugh more and tell funny stories?
Make a living room picnic party for the kids?
Change the type of CD you play?
Go to a hair stylist and ask for a new look?
If you have facial hair, shave?
If you have no facial hair, grow some?
Take the kids on outings (zoo, beach) invite the W but make it seem like it's OK with you if she stays behind?
Buy some beautiful art poster for the bedroom, and hang it yourself?

**** Make some noticable personal changes***

*** Make it look like you're moving on in a new and exciting direction ****

..... Make yourself an object of curiosity and interest for your WW ..... have her wondering, "Hey, this guy is changing! I wonder why? I wonder if I'm going to miss anything fun and/or interesting around here?

Pep

I feel stupid. After her telling me that she does not love me, she's tired of trying to make it work, her moving into the other room and telling me not to talk to her anymore, I go out, see a nice little outfit and I buy it for her. I'm almost ready to take it back, but I bought the children stuff yesterday and she looked so left out. Was it a bad idea? Will she get big headed again and think she can run all over me?

"big headed" ...?

explain what you mean?

when I do things, like tell her how much I love her and do nice things for her, she gets all high and mighty. You know what I mean?

No I do not. Explain "high and mighty" .... do you mean she thinks she is ...

>attractive and desireable?

> better than you?

How do you know what she thinks?

Does she actually say to you, "I am feeling big-headed and high and mighty!"

.... or, are you assuming that's how she feels?

Pep

no, she does not tell me, but her actions say so. When I "chase" her she runs.

We haven't had a conversation all week since the time she told me she just does not love me and she is tired of trying to make this work.

So, stop chasing her.

Be pleasant, be interesting, be kind and considerate ..... do some new things that you've always wanted to try.

Pep

A voice from a veteran who's been there...
...with a slight twist.

It is true that you should never use your kids against there mom...
...it is wrong!

BUT....

You need to prepare them for the inevitable...
...to NOT prepare them... would be a big nmistake.

Do talk to them (age appropriately)...
Do not accuse their mom... but they do need to be taught right from wrong...
Give them repeated assurance that you will NEVER leave them. I'm with mine [{at the time}boy-17 boy-10 girl-6] as primary care] for 4 years on Aug 28th!

That reassurance is invaluable!!!

Family is 'sacrifice'!
Love is 'sacrifice'!!
Family is love!!!

When one forgets the idea of 'sacrifice'...
...the other parent... MUST NOT!

Sacrifice your desire to hurt your wife...
... (by using the kids)...

Instead... be honest... be gentle... be kind.

It's a hard balancing act...
...when truth is in the balance...
...but truth cannot be hidden...
...and your kids will appreciate it... in the long run!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

<small>[ July 04, 2003, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: NSR ]</small>