(I think I may have posted on the wrong forum topic. Please move me if that is the case)

Okay, here's the dealio...

My W and I knew each other for 5 years before we were married 8 months ago. We're both 25. She has a little bit of a problem with depression now and then, but I fear this may not have to do with one of her depressed moments (but maybe it is, but I know she hasn't been taking her regular perscription stuff lately, so perhaps it's clouding things?) She said for a while she's been feeling different, meaning she claims to be starting to realize what type of person she is. She says she's changed a bit and that she says she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's IN love with me. Its' been bottled up in her for about 3 months. She explained that I'm not being romantic as well. The past few months have felt a little distant. We haven't been able to get intimate for the past month+ due to her getting on a program to donate her ovaries to a needy friend who has been trying to have a baby for a long time, but can't. She's been taking medicines that has been made her extra tired during this process and she just finished it about 7 days ago. So I dunno what's going on here, but it doesn't sound like her, but the things that were spoken of were extremely hurtful and worrysome for me. I don't want to lose her. I think now that she's back on a normal schedule I'd like to try and do more things with her. Today I'm sending flowers to her work and help kick off some romanticy I can give to her. I wish we had more US time just to do some fun stuff.

I know we all have down times where we just wonder what the heck we're doing on this planet and what our purpose is and are we doing the right things, but this was a little more than something like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Do you guys have any thoughts on what's going on? We never fight and our relationship is wonderful, but I was so taken back by all this info that I don't know what to think.

Please help.

Spirit of Ben

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: Spirit of Ben ]</small>

Hi Ben. This is a good place to come for advice and help. It's always nice to see people who take advantage of the chance to help their marriage BEFORE it hits a lower point.

Now, your wife's issues may be a combination of things. 1) They very well could be from her depression, meds., etc. 2) Keep in mind that this process she is going through with the ovary donation has to be very trying and drawing on her. Maybe she's not sure how to discuss what she is feeling with regards to this, and she keeps it bottled up instead. 3) The exhaustion she is feeling very well could be a reason for the lack of intimacy. I know that being pregnant I have so many times that I am just so very tired that all I want to do is veg on the couch and go to bed. Nothing to do with not wanting it. Heck, I can think all day how I want to jump my DH when I get home, but by that time I am just so worn it doesn't happen.

Now, you also mentioned that she is having issues and doesn't know if she is IN love with you. It is good that she is coming to you with this. She is looking for your hand to help her through this. Apparently there is some sort of problem. It may be very minor and easy to fix, but now is the time to work on that and not brush it off as something that will pass. Talk with her when you can. Really understand and acknowledge what she is saying to you, even if you don't agree with it express how you understand how she might feel that way. Ask point blank what you can do to help.

Things change in life over time, and relationships are no exception. Many go with the flow and changes. Many embrace them and continue on with their teammate, their spouse. Others for some reason see these changes and fear them and something being wrong. They don't know how to embrace them. Be happy your wife is trying to say I see the changes and I don't know what to make of them. I was one of those fearful ones who didn't know how to embrace the changes. I failed to see the destination was still the same, even through all the detours.

I would suggest that the two of you consider a counselor. I never used to be one who was big on that idea, but our counselor helped us a great deal. She taught us how to communicate on a better level. How to work more as a team, and how to see what it was that was causing any problems and how to work together to find a way to resolve that.

I hope this helps some. I pray it's nothing big and can soon be resolved. Stick around and read and learn. Oh, the flowers are a very nice touch. I wish you all the best.

Thanks so much for your reply.

I was so very taken back by what she said about me and how she doesn't know if there's anything I can do. I know the stuff she's been going through in her donating has been very taxing on her and I was 100% behind her and was willing to wait. At one point during our discussion to she mentioned something about the intimacy in that she said something to the effect of that yes, it has been a while, but feels like she wasn't really missing out, which was scary for her to think as she said. On the other hand I sure as heck wouldn't feel like doing anything while taking 3 injections a day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> At one point too she brought up the issue of how do I know that she is the one for me. She was my first real relationship. I don't think I have to try out different people to know, nor should I be needing to explain my whys and hows about it. I just know and that's all that matters. It's a feeling. She threw other things out like, "Don't you ever think What if?" These sort of things just creeped me out big time. She sounded genuinely sad and was very teary during her talking to me. I think there's a lot of frustration with this. I pray it's the medication, but I really don't know.

Well I sure as heck hope this all works out. I think we really just need to spend some fun time by ourselves and get out of the apartment for a while. Of course I have to see what sort of improvement, if any has happened today. I'm praying this goes away and we will be back to normal soon.

bump