I am the WS. My H and I are talking about getting back together and I would like to know if its best to take things very slow.
I don't want any of of hurt again.

"Slow" sounds good, sounds safe.

Better than fast, which sounds dangerous.

Here's a saying I heard in AA .... "Progress, not perfection."

When you have those days that feel as though things aren't going the way you'd like, ask yourself to seek progress (even slow progress) and not to seek perfection, because none of us are ever perfecr.

Pep

Hi Luci,

One of the things I post to many here is to pratice patience, then pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

It goes both ways for the BS and WS. How do you think, that will help your recovery?

L.

lucidity,

What does he say about that? I would take it as slow or fast as you *BOTH* agree. Going too slow is just as bad as going too fast. Especially to a BS whose life has been on hold for a long time. They might not feel willing to wait around too long and risk getting hurt again. Most BS' need to see some solid evidence of progress.

We know we want to try.
But I need to first get away from OM
He is dangerous at times and I fear the mental health of myself and OC.
My problem is, I don't know where to go.
I should have left yesterday.
Financialy I can't reconcile yet.
There would be 6 of us in a 2 bedroom apt.
H would be evicted if I moved in.
I am helping my mom by living in her home and paying her mortgage every month.
If I do go to a shelter, I fear I may loose my job, which is the only thing paying my bills.
I know I want to leave. I just don't want to move right back in with H in fear that OM will cause problems for everyone. He resorts to terrorist tactics whenever I make a move.
I don't know if there is a place out there that can help.
I would need to work and save money, most of all I would need to feel safe again.
I have spent the last 2 years getting my life together.
I have changed and I hate the person that I became.
I am thinking clear as far as long life goals.
I just cant seem to think clearly on what to do as far as shelter and making sure that this move to finally free myself of OM is going to be a safe one. I have no friends and the family support is going through alot right now.
I am not scared, I am just thinking so much that its all seeming helpless right now.
My biggest fear is bringing all this to the H and my children. I want a clean start, one where we can focus on our marriage and the kids.
I don't want to have to deal with what the OM would be doing.
Any suggestions at this point would be greatly appreciated.
If you can, please go easy on me.
I am not in the mindset to be bashed here.
I know what I have done to my life, my marraige, the children and my family.
I have and am mending those bridges.
I am making good choices in my life and I am whether it be with H, deserving of Love, financial stability and respect.

Hi Lucidity-

I might be reaching here, but I remember reading about H's dilemma about changing jobs and relocating. would it be feasible for him to see if that opportunity is still available? If so, then can you all move together...you stay with him until you can find employment...and then work out some solution from there?

Luci,

Quick reply......

1. Take things 1 at a time. For example, write down which of the issues take priority and then work in that order.

2. See if you can apply for jobs near H's home. Lots of MBers here if your work is a speciality line and maybe.....just maybe..... they could help.

3. It is nice to help your mom but 1st things first. Help your mom out some to cover the expenses of yourself and children. Budget it down to that level.

4. IMHO, if OM is crazy, then it is important for you to be away from him not bring H and family closer.

You are doing good. Your progress makes my heart glad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

The move to Colorado did not work out.
But yes, that was an option for us.
We are both racking our brains trying to figure things out right now.
I was going to stay with a friend but they may not work out.
It would be so far away.
If H would commit to relocating that far away I would leave tommorow.
I just don't want to go that far and he change his mind.
I would be sooooo far away from the boys.
All these thoughts are going through my head and the only thing that makes sense is relocating far away where OM cannot find me.

Hi lucidity,

At first, your question of taking it slow seemed to be about taking it slow on marriage rebuilding efforts with your H. After reading further, it seems to me that taking it slow is motivated by your desire to end the relationship with om in a way that does not bring harm or hardship to your children or to your husband--which is a very commendable goal.

I strongly believe that your best chance of success for protecting your children, your husband and yourself is if you and your H team up and deal with this together. I strongly urge you both to enlist the aid of our legal system as well as getting professional support while you two deal with this. Lucidity, I strongly urge you to stop trying to deal with this all by yourself and to let your H participate in protecting your family.

I believe that if you and your H use the POJA in dealing with every aspect of this issue, you two will be successful in protecting your family while doing that at the best pace whether that is fast, slow, or somewhere in between.

Take care lucidity--I'll continue keeping your family in my prayers

Lucidity-

I need to probe at your career in order to have a frane of reference to think about this. Are you in a specialized carreer? Are you degreed? Is your job one that is hard to find right now?

You mentioned that H was behind you in these decsions. I understand that you are trying to protect him and the kids, but he may be your saving grace. OM might be bullying you because he thinks you have no where to go. He may believe that you can't take care of yourself so he terrorizes you into submission. If he suddenly realizes that H is in the picture, it may be enough to get him to leave you alone. Also, if he messes with H, a restraining order can be enforced by H to get around that problem that is in your way....

Would H be willing to let you live there for a month or two until you could get on your feet? Does he live in a place where you could find employment easily?

Hi lucidity,

I'm really pleased to see you working on this and trying to put it together.

If I recall correctly, isn't your H in the security business? Seems like he would have a pretty good idea of how to keep your family safe. Why not trust him with that?

-AD