Ok, my wife was having a EA with our coworker who WAS my friend. A week and a half ago she moved in with a female coworker. Yesterday both her and the OM told me they are no longer talking to each other. She said so they can give their marriages a fair chance. He said out of respect for me. We are going to see a counselor but sometimes she says she doesn't want too but will for me. We have 2 kids and only one car so even thought she isn't staying at home we still ride to and from work together and usually go to our house or out together after work. She has probably spent the night at our house as much as at her coworkers since she moved out because our oldest son would cry for her or ask her to lay down wth him. I don't know what to do...everytime I am near her I feel hope but then she tells me that she doesn't love me that way anymore and doesn't see us getting back together. She wants to get a car for herself. I am trying to not do anything to make her mad at me or annoy her. It is so hard to not be able to touch her, hold her, or tell her I love her.

<small>[ August 08, 2003, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: GiveItToGOD ]</small>

GITG,
Been there... Still there.

I know what you are going through, my W is similar, although still living at home.

You have come to a great place to get advice and support. This place has become my sanctuary!

Listen, right now if she is saying that she broke it off with OM to give the marriage a chance, then there is a chance. Don't ever give up!

And while I know what you mean about not being able to touch her, or hold her (My wife is the same way), what makes you think you have to stop telling her you love her? Unless you are implementing the 180 plan, I wouldn't stop telling her that, in fact if you can't hold her, you should at least tell her you love her! IMHO

Good luck and God Bless,

r0uter

A WS goes through withdrawal which often puts the BS in a bad position. The BS is viewed as the one who broke up the A. Whether you did or not, the WS find it necessary to blame everything on the BS.

You have to option NOT to take that blame. We can see and hear your pain but you should not take her pain, she will not appreciate it.

If she tells you she can't love you like that....then tell her 'yep that's true for me to, I want to love you but your face keeps getting distorted in my head and it hurts.' Something like that.

Telling her you love her too much right now can be posion. Tell her a bit maybe helpful but not too much.

How much of Dr Harley's books like His Need/Her Needs or Surviving an Affair have you read?

L.

Hi--

My suggestion is to do what your name says, first and foremost. Then, stop ALL pursuit-type behaviors or anything she might interpret as pursuit, including telling her you love her. Respond in kind if she says it to you, but otherwise, don't go there. And agree with everything she says, and if you can't agree, then just remain silent. Be her refuge, a place where she can always be relaxed and unfettered, where she can find peace in the midst of the storm.

Oh, and don't talk to the OM except when required to for business reasons, and be EXTREMELY cautious with counseling. Especially in a situation with a reluctant WS, counseling can be lethal to the marriage. Be extra careful to guard the door of your lips in such a potentially volatile situation, and if you were the one to suggest it or demand it, I strongly recommend that you withdraw it and let her off the hook. We didn't do marriage counseling. The only thing we ever did was Retrouvaille, and even that just made my pain worse.

My personal opinion is that until both spouses are on the same page as far as commitment to the M, sharing a moral and value system, forcing deeper levels of intimacy before one or the other is ready will backfire. This is the time to keep it simple and get close to the Lord and let Him turn your wife's heart.

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 01:31 AM: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</small>

Thanks for all your replys. She has said she is not talking to him to give his wife another chance to save their marriage, she says she does not want to save ours. The OM says he is not talking to her to give me a chance and he does thing his can be saved.

Need to get that book and I need to pray more.

One more question, is sex a no no?

It’s been a little while since I have been on here but I will try and keep it short.
My WW has moved back home and we are sleeping in the same bed. WE really could not afford for her to live else where. We got her a car so I don't have to take her to and from work all the time.
We went to counseling and she told the counselor that she did not want to work on our marriage. I told my WW the next day that I love her and that all this has hurt me very badly but that I can't force her to be in a relationship that she doesn't want to be in. I told her this would be hard for me but that God has been there for me and He will continue to help me. I meant to back off after this but haven't done that great of a job.
It was my bday last week, I was very down that morning and when I talked to her about it she said I was acting like its over. We went out with friends that night. I was trying to stay close to her and she was trying to stay away from me all night.
My Brothers bday was this weekend also so I went out with him over the weekend. Before I left the house she was asking if I had to go because she was going to be lonely being alone with the kids.
We spent all day yesterday together with the kids. It was nice. She seems closer but still says things that make me feel she doesn't want to be around. I guess I am looking for some encouragement or advice. Thanks.

GiveIttoGod, glad she's back home because you can't work on salvaging a marriage if you're not in the same home. I don't believe it to be conducive to rebuilding. So you have a first step here.
I do understand about relatives occasions, etc, but for now, better put her in first place. That is important is letting her know you are willing to be there for her.
Books on communication skills in marriage are also good to read. Meeting her needs, finding out what they are and how she may feel they weren't met. Not that you didn't, but male and female are not on same page when it comes to emotional needs.
Once you rebuild the friendship, trust, and communication, the rest becomes easier.
Remember the things you did dating and start planning some of those same events. Take her where you once went in happier times. Romance helps when it's become routine after a few years with children, work, stress.
She may not want to save the marriage at this point, but you can give her every reason to change her mind.
I know it sounds like us BS's do all the work when it's the US who owes us! But it's necessary to win them back.
Have you shared the book His Needs/Her needs? By Willard Harley Jr. here? It's a good one, but both must read it and answer the questionaire.
Whatever feels lost can be regained and as my counselor says, Grow a new Branch.
Keep at it. You've nothing to lose by trying.
And prayer is our greatest weapon! Pray for your guidance and hers.
LouLou

What to do now?
My WS just asked me to go talk with her. I just got back. She told me she has still been talking to the OM and that he wants her to wait for him to see what happens with his marriage. She feels like she is being used by him. She said that she felt a lot better when they weren't talking and even hinted that her feelings for me were changing (for the good.)When she told him she felt better when they were NC he said he felt the worst during that time.

But now that he is talking to her again she is confused. She says she doesn't want to mess up the chances of them fixing their marriage.

The other day she was giving me a strange look. I asked why she was looking at me like that and today she said it was because she wanted to kiss me. We haven't kissed since all this started (over a month). We have had sex but no kisses and man do I miss her kisses.

I had been a lot more detached and all the sleeplessness had subsided and I wasn't thinking about her all the time this past week. I hope I don't go back to that...I love her so much.

She told the councelor she did not want to work on your M? Forget that. I think she is looking for a little help and assurance from you.
She said she would be lonely if you left. She feels she is being used by OM. She felt a lot better when they weren't talking. She doesn't want to mess up chances of them fixing their M. She wants to kiss you. What, exactly, are you waiting to hear her say.
Tell her that the only way either M is going to have a chance is if there is NC with OM. Ask her to write a NC letter, help her with it if she will let you. Give it to OM and then BOTH of you stay away from him.
Haven't you noticed that W has been more interested in you when you appear more detached? It's human nature to want what we might not be able to have. Don't look needy. Tell her that you still love her and want her and then step back. Be strong.

Thanks for your reply. Where can I get more info on the NC Letter?

The OM emailed me this morning asking me how I am doing. When I asked him about them still talking he said it was off and on and very brief. He said they made it clear to each other that they will set no plans for the future together. He said he is not pursuing her. I don't know what I should say to him.

I just read your whole thread and I think it's a bad idea to talk with and ask the OM about the relationship he's having or maybe having with your wife. Don't concern yourself with his life or his intentions. Your marriage involves only two people.

If your wife finds out she may feel as though you are sneeking around her back. She needs to know you trust her. So get the information you need from her.

Look at it this way - If I was a piece of trash and wanted your wife all I would have to do is let your wife find out we talked and I could tell her anything I wanted about our conversation. As it would be my word agianst yours.

BTW - your wife is home with you and said she wanted to kiss you. She's being receptive to your marriage. Keep up with the Plan A and leave the heavy relationship stuff off the table until she feels comfortable. Thank her for telling you about there contact and that you understand how hard this is for her and your there for her.

Should I not insist that she not talk to him. I told her that he emailed me and the details of our conversation. According to her much of what he says to me is a lie and that pisses me off. He said that before yesterday he hadn't talked to her in a while, I knew that was a lie because he had to have talked to her on Friday and that is why she was so upset on Friday.

Last night when I talked to my wife her moods seem to flip, when she first came home she gave me a big hug and kissed my cheek and neck but wouldn't kiss my lips. She said she felt drawn to me and that she wished she felt that way all the time. Not long after that she started talking about the OM and she said she wants me to be with someone who will love me as much as I deserve to be loved and adored. She said that throughout our marriage she feels she was always trying to change me. After a bit of this talk I was very down and she began to apologize.

I feel like telling the OM to quit BSing me. I feel angry about the way he is treating my wife also which seems strange. It's like he is keeping her close enough so that if things don't work out with his wife she will stil be an option for him.

She went out the other night with some coworkers and she told me that she talked to him on the phone. He told her that she could see othe people if she wanted. WHAT GIVES HIM THE RIGHT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Sorry, I am a bit wound up this morning. I really feel like telling him off. What should I do?

My WS says she is really depressed and that she doesn't want to have enemies anymore. She asked if I regret her and said that she doesn't know how I put up with her. She is having a bad day. We prayed together about that.

Need more words of encouragment.

Today my WS got in trouble for sending an email to the OM's wife. It was a bible scripture. I guess the OM didn't respond correctly because she told me she is confused and thinking of ending everything with the OM. She is very angry at his wife (who by the way tried to fight with her a few weeks ago).

GG,

Have you talked to the OM's wife? One thing that can help is to contact her and send her to this website. It would be very helpful if she were practicing MB principles instead of lovebusting her H right into the arms of your W. Maybe you could work behind the scenes together to put an end to this affair.

Why would your wife send her a scripture? Which one? That is sort of creepy. Why is she angry at his wife?

P.S. I withdraw that advice about working with the OMW if you think she is volatile or would misuse the information you share. It seems the affair is self destructing all on its own so if you feel contacting the OMW would interfere with that, I would not contact her.

All 4 of us work together so I have talked to his wife. However, when I do I feel like she does misuse the little info I give her so I don't feel to comfortable working with her on it. I did give her the link to this website but I don't think she has looked at it much.

I went to the gym last night and left my cell phone in the car. My WW called 4 times and when I finally called her back she said she was very down and could only think about talking to me. She said she has no one else to talk to.

That is great! It sounds like the affair is dying a natural death. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to step in with a good Plan A.

Thanks for the support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She hasn't said anything about him yet today but did ask if I had seen his wife. I am just going to do my work and only email her if she emails me.