I usually post over in Recovery, but I don't feel like that's happening any more. Please help me here with advice or just a kind word. (Or a kick in the pants, if you think that's necessary...)

We're 2 years post-D-day, and I don't think my husband has been unfaithful since. I really don't have any way to know for sure, since he is a pilot and spends several days a week away from our family.

However, over the past 2 years my love for my husband has been evaporating, and it's obvious that he feels the same way about me. We don't meet each other's emotional needs, and my motivation for doing so has really dwindled. We live in either a carefully concealed state of hostility or in an unreal state of affection which seems more and more false, and takes more and more effort. At one time I was trying to stay together for the children, but as I continue to live unhappily and suspiciously, I'm weakening.

H has refused to go to counseling in the past although we're currently seeing someone. I think it may be helping, but I've gotten to the point where I don't even care anymore. By the way, I'm not in good circumstances to divorce, having no job and no work history over the past ten years (children), only some volunteer stuff, and none of that too impressive. I think if I had a good job I'd be ready to call it quits. That doesn't seem much like the MB philosophy which suggests that as long as the WS stays faithful, the BS should stick it out, even if they don't love the person any more.

Anyone got any words for somebody who is beginning to think longingly of another relationship with someone trustworthy?? (Don't worry--affair for me not an option here.)

Sadly,
Rose Red

I have no love left for my husband either. He is doing everything he can to save the marriage but its too little too late. I told him yesterday that I was filing for a divorce after the holiday. He's been begging me all day to reconsider but I am firm in my resolve.

If counseling is helping you I would stick with it at least until you can make it on your own fiancially. Go to your local college and talk with a admissions counselor. Maybe even a vo-tech. If your marriage is not what you are satisified with by the time you can make it on your own then leave and start a new life for you and your children. What do you have to lose by working on your marriage while getting your ducks all in a row? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Rosered,

I think that most people think that once you reach recovery....that it should be normal to feel in love. And that probably isn't very realistic. Normail relationships ebb and flow.....and all of us at times feel out of love. Give the counseling some time to work....you say it may be helping....and for good measure....try upping your effort of meeting needs and stopping LBs for a while. That "flat" feeling can be the result of lots of everyday stress and obligation. Remember.....the world shapes itself around your thoughts. A big part of happiness is choosing to be happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lily, thanks for your reply. I think you're probably right about staying until I'm prepared to leave. It's getting harder to act like I'm staying when I think more about leaving. There's really nothing to be lost by working on the marriage while trying to get a career going, except that, as I'm sure from your situation you will understand, my heart's just not in it. After two years of thinking things were going to eventually get better, I'm finally deciding that they won't.

As far as education, I have a graduate degree, but it's in an academic field (history) which doesn't lend itself to employment. I've been raising children since I got it, so don't have any idea what it might be good for. (Just got the degree because it sounded like fun.) I guess I need career counseling??? Thanks for your advice.

Star*fish, you said a lot in a little space. Yes, I feel "flat" about the whole thing. I guess I could gin up some enthusiasm for working on the marriage by focusing on the fact that this would probably be my last chance at the marriage. I do think the counseling is helping, and I need it anyway, being prone to depression and some serious negative self-talk (per my counselor). I'll be thinking about what you said. Thanks!

Rose I think most at MB hope all marriages work out. But I also think the goal in recovery is for the individual to recover as well. Sometimes recovery is for the infidelity only. And the marriage doesn't make that is why there is a divorce board as well.

You say therapy is helping. Then continue and focus on yourself. Perhaps if you had a better understanding of yourself then it will help you decide what you want out of life and your marriage.

Give therapy a chance if for no other reason than to help thru a divorce IF it comes to that. And I stress IF.

Also it sounds as if you are not happy at where you are in life.....committed mother/wife that has sacrificed alot and then wound up betrayed. Perhaps you deserve some payback for all your efforts. Perhaps you should return to school with the understanding that getting a degree or adding to an existing degree is what you deserve for all you have given in your marriage.

So even if you are not happy in your marriage right now perhaps if you took steps to feel happier with yourself the person not the wife then you can better assess what you want in the long run.

Its ironic that so many of us would stay years in a bad marriage for the kids sake but not stay a couple of years to get a degree or job skill for our own sakes. Perhaps just this once you need to put yourself first.