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Joined: Oct 2002
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I think that if I do he will come home and realize that I love him still. Why does he call me from work and then goes and tells her everything. I guess he really does love her right/

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No. It's a game. You want to be a pawn? I know you do things for him because you love him. I did the same for mine....until I heard him say he would continue to use me as long as it was to his advantage. Then the question arose, 'was helping him really helping for him?'

My H now treats me better and I do less. Go figure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

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Well I am taking my kids today and taking off where he can't find us and I truely do mean it, I hate what they are doing to us.

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Goldie, I've been where you are and it is hard. the eelings of wanting to escape are overwhelming and you just want out! I remember driving away once when my H had the kids with the intention of not coming back- at least until very late so it would frighten him!! However I realised I'd lost my debit card- the only soure of cash and had to return home in tears. I think that was the lowest night of the whole horrible nightmare. The dr put me on anti depressants and they rrally helped me cope with all that was happening.

Jante

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Goldie,
I've been where are you right now. Hang in there, running away doesn't solve anything...stand and fight and be strong for your children and what you believe in!
Dig down deep, you have the strength to do this!!
I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes, there are really bad days, but it will get better and the bad days won't be as bad and the good days will come more often.
Hold your head up, don't be afraid to cry, this really hurts!
Hang in there, come here and vent and share, it does help.

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Goldi,

How are you doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

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Lousey Orchid, why am I getting worse. I cry all the time and wish things can be better between my husband, and children. I want and miss my life before everything happened. It may not have been the greatest marriage but if only I knew back then and how it is now. I would do anything to get my old life back. I hate going out, I am afraid to meet someone new and if I do, I just blow them off. I don't trust anyone.

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Goldi,

As a BS, you are right on target with your feelings of despair. But I ask you, you really want back the way it was when it led up to the A?

You can get past this but you will be in for a bit of a bumpy ride. However, we can help you through it, not for you but with you. U game? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

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No I don't want to go back what led to the affair, I want to make it so it isn't like that. Yes I do want u to help me through it. PleaseI can't do it alone.

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Goldie,

One of your husbands biggest attempts to control and hurt you is using your actions and affair to justify his behavior...
and at times you believe him...

Your biggest challenge is removing yourself from his blame....but doing so by changing, focusing, and working on you...

i have great fear that you husband and OW get a lot of drama out of dragging you into their sick world...AND that you find it difficulty to remove yourself from their games as well...

twelve step programs call us to apoligize to those we have wronged....and when done right it is through our words AND our actions.....

Don't take him smokes...you can't afford them...let him ask his mom and sister for them...and in reality he only uses you to get a rise out of the ow....

imagine yourself strong enough that every interaction you have with him shows him someone in control, who is stable, and making it through the best you can...

i can't even remember if you are in an official plan A or B....which one...

both should anchor you and help you focus on getting through each minute of the day...

Goldie....show you know what you did was wrong by setting boundaries that speak of the true importance of love....
when he tells you that the sex with OW is not the same;...and propositions you..tell him that sex with you isn't the same anymore either...tell him that you are begining to realize the importance of true intimacy and honesty in relationship and no one should settle for less...him or you...
tell him NO in a new way...that has nothing to do with the OW but NO because you are learning there is nothing more precious in this world than a real relationship of nuturing and care...
teach him what you are learning...by living what you are learning through your loss...the more you realize your own worth...and his...in all of this...the easier it will be to resist being sucked into their madness....

speak you apologies...act them as well...

ARK

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How can I get him to believe that I am truely sorry for my past mistakes and that I won't ever cheat or lie again. This is the excuse he is giving me for not trying to get back together. I am sorry and I tell him all the time, but he doesn't believe or trust me. Please help me think of something that I can say or do.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How can I get him to believe that I am truely sorry for my past mistakes and that I won't ever cheat or lie again. This is the excuse he is giving me for not trying to get back together. I am sorry and I tell him all the time, but he doesn't believe or trust me. Please help me think of something that I can say or do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Goldie, listen to yourself. Your H is living with another woman, and he has you feeling guilty and like you need to find a way to make him believe that you are sorry and that he can trust you? Right now the only thing you can worry about is looking after yourself and the kids and plan B-ing your H. So long as he's with OW, you can't make him believe you or trust you. He's emotionally manipulating you Goldielocks. I know how it feels. My H has me right back at feeling like I'm the only one at fault too, who needs to do all the grovelling and apologizing and trust rebuilding etc. They (your H and mine) both need to do their own fair share of showing us how we can trust them ever again too.

I feel like a bit of an idiot telling you to go to Plan B when I never had the resolve to do it, but also, I never had proof my H was involved with an OW romantically. You know for a fact your H is LIVING with OW. Try Plan B, for your own sanity. So long as your H can have access to both you and OW, he will, and he'll probably continue to beat you up emotionally too.

Protect yourself Goldie. I hate to see you in so much pain.

Jen

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But alot of people can say give up they aren't worth it, but I do know my family is worth saving and I am not going to give up so easy and listen to other people say leave him, divorce him, because I know now that no other person is worth losing your family over no matter what.

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Plan B is NOT giving up, it is making a choice to do something in the interests of saving your M and keeping your family together.

Would some plan B experts please step up and help out here and give Goldie some how-to's???

Jen

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Not a plan B expert, just someone who likes to post a lot - LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Goldi,
Plan B often provides relief for the beleagured BS. Plan B seems scary since it could lead to a D or recovery. Either way, Goldi it forces movement. If that and the fact that you can provide relief for yourself, is it worth it?

L.

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Goldi,

Here is aquote from ISgirl who just posted: "My H said that the day he received the Plan B letter it was like his world began changing and he realized the seriousness of his decision and his actions. It still took him some time to decide he could commit to no contact. But take faith in the fact that Plan B does force the WS to take stock, to look at what they are doing. Keep the distance, don't cave in. No contact until the WS makes a decision really works, even though it is excrutiatingly painful. "

Does this help explain plan B better?

L.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goldielocks109:
<strong>Yesterday my husband came to the house looking for money because he is broke for giving me money for child support, he is 3 payments behind on his truck payment, I have no money to give him. Then he wants sex off me and says its not the same with his gf. What is up with that?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds to me like the chickens are coming home to roost. It's not YOUR fault your hubby decided to bail on you and IGNORE your Wedding Vows. He is simply paying the piper now and boy can paying that piper get expensive! Not your problem - it's HIS problem - he is the one whose fault it all is, not yours! Sounds like a whiney crybaby because things aren't 'peachykeen' the way he thought life with the OW was going to be. Fantasy world, castle of dreams beginning to crumble, maybe???
Harold

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Goldie...

you have to decide what plan you are in...
and really really really read on them and understand them...

then you have to realize that it is your actions that define you...and each time you get and let yourself sucked in to their bizzarre games...
you pay a price of appearing to not understand how serious all of this is..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can I get him to believe that I am truely sorry for my past mistakes and that I won't ever cheat or lie again. This is the excuse he is giving me for not trying to get back together. I am sorry and I tell him all the time, but he doesn't believe or trust me. Please help me think of something that I can say or do.

Start by stopping all participation in the chaos....
stop all relationship talk...
stop asking him to come home....
stop asking him to reconcile...no begging pleading neediness...

find read and print out the posts on divorce busting and 180's

His otherwoman is a fruit cake supreme....and that is good news for you...the more confident and in control you ACT....(not feel)...the more that works in your favor...

NO contact NO mention of HER...NONE NONE NONE>...
change all of your actions that have not worked up till now...
Discuss and plan with husband reasonable ways for you children to get in touch with him....appeal to his fathership, needs of the kids...WITHOUT blaming or accusing the OW of anything....become as objective and pragmatic as you can stand...

Goldie even when he came home this past winter you have to remember that you were so afraid of "upsetting" him and saying something that would justify him going back to the OW...and it did you no service...and that you would lie for him under his threats....
Those are actions that make you part of the game...and define you as still one of three to whom this is all some sick game...
some people thrive on chaos and crisis....it feeds their energy and keeps all focus off their own poor behavior...
this OW sounds like that to me....

You feel helpless and like there is nothing you can do...
and you are still searching for one sentence or action to fix this...and there isn't...
It is tons and tons of small tiny changes that become you...and move you further and further from that person who would lie to someone else out of fear...
THAT is how you make him believe....you have changed.....

read the plans and decide....
then move from there....
but KNOW that each encounter in their sick games hurts you....and it what they expect you to do....

Remove yourself and set boundaries...you just might get their attention...

this post is not to bash you..it is to remind you that we all are guilty of doing the same thing over and over even when we can see it is not working....
change is hard and scarey....
but someone or something has to change...and it is you that wants it...then go for it..

head high...
read mimi's posts she changing in front of us...from being sucked into the chaos...to holding herself together and saying enough...

ARK

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Ok our youngest son is sick with a 104 fever, he called and asked for his father and his gf tells my son he is sleeping. I am sorry but I called back and said our son wants to speak to his father because we were going to go camping for the weekend without a phone and he wanted to talk to him. And then next weeek I am planning on taking the kids to Canada for a few days. Well his gf said he is in the shower and said to me F you. Then I am sorry I just have to blow up. She said that is what my husband wants her to say, so I don't get on the phone with him then. But yet it's ok for him to call me from work in the middle of the night.

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goldie please hear me...

please don't engage in her cruel assinine behavior...please force yourself to be rational even in the face of irrationalness and unfairness...

you aren't going camping if your son has a temp of a 104...it just makes you sound ludacrous...

Don't put your children in the middle...tell them you tried and daddy's not available...or what ever...

stop playing in to their hands...

save yourself and your children from them..
ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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