I have a question for those more knowledgeable than me.

Quick overview of my story:
Last December, I found out that my wife had been involved in doing some drugs. Between then and late March, I implemented what could best be described as a very poor sort of Plan A. End of March, my wife confesses to me that she had a one night stand with one of her girlfriends. I was very calm when I heard the news and went for a drive. I came back and asked wife to leave for a few days (I know, very bad move on my part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) .

Since that time, my wife has been living on her own, and I have been living with my daughter. Since then as well I have been doing a version of Plan B; basically not initiating any contact with my wife, but seeing her every once in a while.

Fast forward to about three weeks ago. My wife noticed how I had been acting and asked me why I had been acting so cold to her. I just explained that I had not meant for it to come across as being mean, but was just very hurt and it hurt more when I was around her.

Lately, my wife has been wanting to spend more time with me and my daughter. I have still not been the one to initiate contact with her; it has always been her initiating contact. She told me that at this time she wants to be friends with me because in her words "nobody knows me like you do and I miss you alot." She has also mentioned that she is going to be going for individual counselling; something that I had been encouraging her to do for a while. When any mention of our marriage comes up her response is "I have to deal with my own issues that I am having at the moment before I can even think about any relationships." I take that as a good sign because my wife has been suffering from depression, bulemia, and is still smoking pot occassionally.

I have finally started reading "Surviving the Affair" and am learning alot, along with what I have read on these boards.

The dilemna that I am facing is how I should respond to my wife. My instincts tell me to be there for my wife as much as possible, but I don't know if that will be detrimental to any possible recovery because I do not know if she is trying to be a cake-eater.

At this point, as far as I know, my wife has not been with anyone else. Part of me believes this but another part of me does not. She also claims that she is basically off of all of the drugs other than pot occassionally. I believe this because I can tell a definite change in the way she has been acting. She has been more open to me with the questions that I ask her than she has been since everything started. She even offers up information to me without me asking.

One more thing: I asked my wife the other day something that I had wanted to ask for a while now. I asked her if she knew how bad the pain of an affair was (because she thought that I cheated on her which I didn't) why she did it. Her answer was "because there was somebody there for me when you weren't." Those words hurt but they also brought some healing because I am realizing more and more the role that I had in the condition of our marriage leading up to all of this.

There is more to my story that can be read under my previous posts.

Any advice is appreciated.

Hi,

Well your W may not be ready for MC but you can get yourself in a safer spot but shoring up some support for yourself. MB here, books, questionnaire, friends, family, a family pet, hobbies, a good MC or IC, phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer, etc., can help U.

What of the above and then some have you done? Your little one is quite young. It is not fair that her life is on hold as a result.

take care,
L.

Thank you for your response.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well your W may not be ready for MC but you can get yourself in a safer spot but shoring up some support for yourself. MB here, books, questionnaire, friends, family, a family pet, hobbies, a good MC or IC, phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer, etc., can help U.

What of the above and then some have you done? Your little one is quite young. It is not fair that her life is on hold as a result. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I have been visiting this message board since about February and have posted a few times before, mostly on the just found out board. As far as books I have gotten about half way through "Surviving the Affair". Had limited IC a few months ago. I do have a support group of friends and family but none of them are much help when it comes to talking about the marriage.

As far as my question regarding what to do in my situation, I'll give you an example. The last few weeks, and this week specifically, she has been wanting to spend alot of time with myself and our daughter. There is a birthday party for her sister this Saturday that we are both attending. I am going camping Saturday and Sunday night so I am going to the party for a bit then going back to my campsite. When I told my wife, she said that she would like to come out to the site with me on Saturday. The thing is last time I heard from her was on Wednesday when she left a message on my machine saying that she would talk to me on Thursday. I had tried calling just a couple of times but there has been no answer at her house. I guess to sum it up, my fear is that she is playing games with me and that by myself allowing it, I am delaying any possible reconciliation. Or maybe I am just thinking too much and making something out of nothing. I guess that is why I need other's opinions.

Thanks,
D.

Well D, I suggest you finish the book, then read his needs/her needs if you can. Take the EN questionnaire even if it is just you taking it. See Melody Lane's thread and just for fun take that personality test. Why? Just to see what you kinda look like to others???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now as for her asking....take that with a grain of salt. In many cases the WS is testing the BS so don't so yourself sooo anxious and let her convince you she is worth having around.

See if you can place a call and do some phone couseling with Steve or Jennifer. They are both good.

If the camping trip is for you to enjoy then do so. Don't let her spoil that trip for you. If she acts like she is hurt, let it go. It should hurt. That is part of the healing process.

Let us know how you are doing. Have fun camping. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Well I took Melody Lane's test. It says that I am an INFJ.

The description's seem pretty accurate:
INFJ type description by D.Keirsey
INFJ type description by J. Butt and M.M. Heiss
Portrait of an INFJ

I still have to do the EN questionaire though and after reading "Surviving the Affair", HNHN was the next book that I had planned on reading.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have fun camping. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sure will. It will be nice to get away and relax for a few nights. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okie dokie.....have a fun trip and let us know how you are doing when you get back!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Well, the camping trip this past weekend was very nice and relaxing. I did not end up going to the birthday party this past weekend. My wife also did not end up coming camping because she did have to work on Sunday. She has mentioned that she would like to come camping this Saturday but we will see what happens.

A few positive updates: my wife and I and our daughter spent the afternoon together yesterday. My wife mentioned again that she would like for me to help her to set up an appointment for individual counseling. We also talked a bit about the possibility of my wife moving home again. She is the one who brought up the topic. She knows that I have been reading Surviving An Affair. I told her that before she does move home, we have to sit down and have a recovery plan in place.

She told me that she misses me and our daughter and that she has been miserable since she left (which I knew). I told her that one of my fears if she came home was that she was just coming home for our daughter. She said that she left because she was unhappy, and if she didn't think she could be happy in our marriage, she wouldn't come home.

One fear that I have in all of this is that there is more that happened that my wife has not told me yet. I don't know if that is a natural feeling for the BS or not. Another condition that I had for my wife before she moves home is for total honesty and openness about everything. She agreed about this as well with no hesitating. I hope that that is a good sign that she has told me everything.

All in all things seem to be moving forward, although slowly, which is probably better. We have been communicating more the last few weeks and have been more open with each other about things. I am still hesitant to get my hopes up too much though, but am still happy with the progress so far.

bump

Talked to my wife again today. She had mentioned earlier in the week the possibility of spending the day with my daughter and I on Saturday. Today on the phone she said that she wanted to come over tonight instead. I asked her why not tomorrow and she said because she is so busy at work. Something about it though doesn't seem right though. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive but it bothered me. This is just one of those days where I am feeling really down and am wondering if it is even worth having hope for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

Well the weekend went by and my daughter and I did not see my wife. She ended up going out with her sister on Friday and then over to her sister's house Saturday night. She did call on Sunday asking if My daughter and I wanted to come over but it was about 4 when she called and she had to leave to go some where at 6. She lives about 40 minutes away so I said that I was not driving all of the way out there for just a little over an hour. Her priorities are right our of whack and my daughter deserves so much better than that. My wife decides to spend time with her sister instead of her own daughter then gets upset because she never sees her daughter. I really feel like I'm at the point where I am going to give up. I just feel numb towards her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

My weekend did have a bright point though; my daughter and I went to a local fair on Saturday and she had a great time.

Just wondering if anyone is reading this thread and doesn't have any comments or if it is just not being read. I'm starting to get a complex because no one is responding (just kidding).

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: TryingToKeepHope ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ July 15, 2003, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: TryingToKeepHope ]</small>

I am reading, and I am so sorry for your situation. I wish I had better feelings about your situation, but she seems to be just saying (not even really doing) enough to keep you hanging on. Typical, you were withdrawing so she got you out of it and now she can go back to where she was.

This is not just about you, your wife is choosing her sister (supposedly) and everything else over her own daughter. I cannot imagine that. Love your daughter enough for both of you.

Thank you for your response.

Given the information that I provided, should I be doing Plan A or B? All of this is confusing; it is hard knowing what to do. There are truly times that I feel that she is sincere but then it seems as though she doesn't back it up with her actions. Earlier today I read a post that compared WS's to the Prodigal Son. I think it was in Emotional Needs or Prayer requests, but it really seemed to match the description of how my wife is acting. One day she will call me up crying saying how much she misses me and my daughter and other times will act like she did this weekend. What can I do to help get my wife out of the Fog that she is in?

Are you sure that the drug usage has stopped? Pot and alcohol are drugs. Her up and down behavior sure sounds like and fits the pattern for someone under the influence. When she is not high, she gets all weepy for you and daughter, then when she gets high (or even the possibility of getting high)you'll are the last thing on her mind. Users can be very tricky and deceiving.

If there is any drug usage/addiction, I believe a strong plan B is called for. Sorry, I really wish I had better feelings about your situation. At the very least, protect yourself until her actions start matching her words.

Best wishes and continue loving and protecting your daughter.

My wife has been open with me about the drugs that she used and that she had quit. She has also been open in telling me that she sees no problem in smoking weed every once in a while, so as far as I know, her drug use is the occassional joint. I don't agree with that and if she decides to come home, one of my conditions will be to quit doing drugs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If there is any drug usage/addiction, I believe a strong plan B is called for. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I do go the plan B route, what should my response be to my wife if she asks me to help her get IC but still will not come home until she works out some of her issues? Several months ago I had told her that if she would go to IC, I would cover the costs for her. I hadn't mentioned it in a long time, but my wife has mentioned it about 3 times to me in the last two weeks that she would like to go for counselling now.