Hi folks
Feeling a bit in shock and as if the roller coaster just started up again after a fairly peaceful few months. H informed me this evening that he is moving out of OW's house tomorrow and they are splitting up. Her decision it seems and he admits its not really what he wanted but they have different agendas. OW wants to emigrate to Australia, he has the boys to think of and won't go as he wouldn't be able to see them, also he wants to move back to Scotland. It seems as well that his new 'best' friend down where they live has been making moves on OW- which she didn't like but H didn't see. Led to tension between them as well and means H has also lost best friend!

How do I feel??

I had sensed things weren't right between them for a ew weeks, and the absolute is on hold anyway due to his lack of movement on the financial matters. I offered him a hug tonight as a friend which he accepted. There is still part of me that would like to reconcile and I did tell him it still wasn't too late but he said he wasn't thinking that way at the moment. I then said I didn't expect him to and that he needed space to come to terms with here he is at over his rel with OW and then see how he felt, but that I didn't want him to reject the idea out of hand because we were so close to dv. Am I mad?? Now to wait and see- while getting on with my life anyay!

Please can anyone comment on what they see here?

Jante

Jante, stranger things have happened. The only thing that stands out to me is that you have a real good opportunity here that could be easily blown if you don't play your cards right. I think it would be a HUGE mistake to pursue him or to be too available at a time when he is withdrawing from the OW. It just seems to me that it would be very easy to repel him when he is in that state of mind. I would back off and let him recover and see what happens. Good luck and I hope this leads to something good for you!

I don't dare say anythig yet.

SS

It seems that the affair is going the way of most affairs. No surprises there.

Hi and thanks melodylane- you are right and I am backing off- I won';t initiate contact now except where it pertains to our boys. I am also going to be away all day next Satuday so there will be no time for chats etc then. I am putting into practice all I have learned over the last 2 years and waiting for him to make next move.

Jante

Wow! Ditto Melodylane and Zorweb - I would not give him any reason to think you are approaching him with the hope of renewing your R. It must be humiliating for him to have to admit to you that his A has failed, and not his choice. He won't be thinking straight right now - if he eventually does want to come back, you want him to be clear that that is what he really wants. But you have let him know that it is still not too late, which gives him something to hold on to, should he want that, which seems to me to have been the right thing to do. Now just sit tight and watch and try to keep your hair on no matter what happens.

God bless,
LIR

Thanks LIR
I have no intention of rushing into things and once the 'emotion' of the moment was over and he had left, I had time to calmly review the situation. I know he is not planning to come back yet, and I am not going to persue him. In fact I will continue to get on with my new life and leave him to deal with his own situation. I will give consideration to the prospect if he intimates that he wants to get back together.
I realised how much I have gained over the last 2 years in confidence and peace of mind I do not intend to jeapordise it.

Thanks again for your thoughts.
Jante

Hi J,

Your life won't be boreing any time soon, will it?

In fact I will continue to get on with my new life and leave him to deal with his own situation. I will give consideration to the prospect if he intimates that he wants to get back together.

I agree, as long as he knows you will talk about it if he wishes to.

You would have some very big issues (about him) to overcome if he did wish to talk. What are your thoughts about those issues? Not just the A, but money matters, and other things that you would have a hard time living with again.
Are you trying to put it out of your mind, or is it there in your thoughts much of the time now?

That would tell me how much possibility you believe this has.

Do the boys know what is happening? Do they comment?

SS

<small>[ July 07, 2003, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi folks and thanbks for all your posts.

SS
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do the boys know what is happening? Do they comment? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No he said there was no need to tell the boys yet, so I haven't done. I do think that at some stage he ought to tell them, partly because he should let them know they were moe important to him than moving abroad with OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You would have some very big issues (about him) to overcome if he did wish to talk. What are your thoughts about those issues? Not just the A, but money matters, and other things that you would have a hard time living with again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very true- having sorted my finances out, do i want to tart on the see saw of financial insecurity again. Do i believe he has changed- not as yet, one of the pressure points in his rel with OW he has admitted was finance!! Surprise surprise!! I don't know my head can point all these things out my heart is torn. But at least at the moment I don't have to make a decision.

I will continue to watch and pray.

Jante

Good Luck Jante,

We seem to have similar stories but it was my wife that left to be with her affair partner. He went back to his wife 5 weeks ago. My wife told me she needed space and wouldn't be calling me for some time.

I felt the same way when i heard the affair was over. My world was calm then the roller coaster started all over again. A great news day became an unexpected emotional 2-3 days.

Now that I'm in week 5 of her no contact I've gotten stronger each week and I'm sure you will as well. You sound stronger already after week one than my first week.

Your so right that until our spouses gain some clearity about what they really want nothing will actualy change for the better.

Lets get stronger together and hope we each get a real chance to save our marriages.

I sometimes think of T and try to understand him better. I pray for him as much as for you. He could do so well if he would -

We all have faults, we can work on them, or ignore them or even maginify them and make them worse. Some feel that it is more comfortable to live with them, but that's like living with a Peble in your shoe. We can get used to it, sort of, but why? Far better to remove it. It is my belief that this will be a defining moment in his life. If he chooses to ignore the problems once again, I don't hold out much hope for him. If he chooses to work on them, then I believe he will one day be OK, and I believe you could like being with him again.

LIR has been able to acomplish a great deal with a very one sided improvement program, but her H didn't leave. If T wanted to return, I believe you could do as well. You know that it would be very difficult to give up total control of your life again to someone you don't have full respect for.

I ( reluctantly) agree that you don't need to rush to tell the boys but if it comes up somehow, tell them the truth right then. Your first loyalty now is to the boys, not to T. Your care and protection should extend to them first. I don't know if T continues to visit weekly, but I wonder if the boys will be able to tell something is wrong when he does visit. It is better for them to know the truth than to wonder what is going on. ( that's just my opinion, and I admit it.) Again, I don't think you need to rush to tell them, just give it to them straight if they ask or it comes up.

I really hope this has not upset you to the point of loosing sleep, but I doubt that, after all else you have been through.

Last chance to send the boys on our bike trip, we do have extra bikes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS

Thanks but my boys are still in school for another 2 weeks!! A is away at the moment in France with School!. I have booked to take them on a caravan holiday in our old home town in Scotland in August, where they have many friends. I will also get the chance to see my many christian friends there.

Thanks for your words about T and the situation, I will continue to wait and pray , I know if he comes back we can make it with Gods help.

Jante

Jante

I just want you to know that I lurk and follow your posts. Am I surprised about your H and OW - h*ll no!!!!! Anymore than I will be when my XH and OW fall from grace.

It is what you do with the knowledge and where you want to be in your life. You have moved throw this process painfully and slowly and all of a sudden there is this chance perhaps (more tangible than before) of some potential recovery..... But do you want it, do you need it?

Sometimes, I believe we want to catch them when they fall because perhaps (as women particularly) we think this is the right thing to do (oh sorry SS, but you know what I mean). It is the whole nature/nuture debate. Now seriously, nature would tell you to dump him fast, but the nuturing side of you still feels the need to look out for him and catch him when he falls. Maybe, the nature side of you still loves him too, but, well, you know what I mean don't you????

A bit of waffle tonight - I am struggling with many practical issues (not emotional), but I want you to know that whatever you decide you will know when it is right for you and the boys.

Thinking of you.

Lisa

Lisa,
I do know what you mean. There's more to it than that - One who has been a BS often feels like they "win" if they get their wife or husband back. It's an ego thing, I win and OP looses if they come back. In reality, sometimes it means that the BS looses if the WS come back. ( I don't really think Jante thinks this way, but there is a little of this in all of us.)

I don't think Jante will take him back unless there is a good recovery plan. I think she has learned her lessons well. People can recover, but if they want to do so bad enough to make it really work, they will agree to reasonable contidions for that recovery.

Lisa, I would really like to know how you are doing, if it's not a great deal of trouble for you.

Jante,

The boys can't come? Darn, but I know about school being important. I will be wanting to know how the caravan goes, take notes.

You haven't said much lately about the weekend visits. Are you still filling some of his need for conversation? Or are you leaving while he is there?

SS

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Pretty weird but not unexpected.

I think though that you must really close your heart to your STBXH and put any thoughts of reconciliation out of your mind. He shows no signs of changing and you wisely recognize this and decline to go back into his financially unstable lifestyle. I hope you manage to emotionally divorce yourself from him as well as legally. I know it's hard when you have the connection through children.

Hi folks

GG007 Thanks for your reply, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your so right that until our spouses gain some clearity about what they really want nothing will actualy change for the better.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So very true- and I am still unsure what I actually want!!
Lisa

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now seriously, nature would tell you to dump him fast, but the nuturing side of you still feels the need to look out for him and catch him when he falls. Maybe, the nature side of you still loves him too, but, well, you know what I mean don't you????
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes i do know what you mean and I'm struggling with working out what I actually wany- Its easy when hes not around to think I don't want him back- but that goes out of the window when I see him. Someone else advised me to think with my head and not my heart.

SS
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You haven't said much lately about the weekend visits. Are you still filling some of his need for conversation? Or are you leaving while he is there?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I leave most of the time he is here for at least part of the day- sometimes for all day- though we usually have a meal at the end of the day together with the children and then we talk for a little while but not as much as we did. It was after dinner on saturday that he told me about him leaving OW and we chatted then for half an hour before he had to go for his train. No time this w/e though as i am driving my mum home- she has been here this week. She does well by the way.

Espoir

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think though that you must really close your heart to your STBXH and put any thoughts of reconciliation out of your mind. He shows no signs of changing and you wisely recognize this and decline to go back into his financially unstable lifestyle. I hope you manage to emotionally divorce yourself from him as well as legally. I know it's hard when you have the connection through children. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear what you are saying but not sure if he was to ask to come back how I would react. However at the moment it hasn't become an issue. I know my mum would agree with you!!!!!

Thanks for all the inout I doi appreciate it

Jante

Hi

H was here today to see the children and I took my mother home. Arrived back at 7.45pm- he decided he'd stay and have a drink with me rather than leaving straightaway as he would have done in the past. We discussed his living arrangement plans and practicalities over storeage of his belongings, and he thanked me for being so supportive of him at this time! He then discussed the holiday plans with the boys, deciding to move his week to last one in August instead of last in July, he admitted it would suit him better but then insisted that as loing as the boys didn't want to camp he would stay at my house with them to look after the dog to allow me a week away on my own!
I had a hard time not offering a week away in our old home town with me and the boys instead!! I've booked a caraven for us all and there would be space for him - in separate bed!!

Otherwise an pleasant time of chat- he did admit his finances are in a mess and he wants to get himself sorted out.

Jante

You are still meeting some of his needs.

I still don't understand parts of him very well.
It would take a miracle for him to change, but they still happen. I don't recommend you take him back unless that miracle happens.

What kept you from asking him along if you wanted to ask?

J, I hope you are not going through your doubt all over again. You said it best yourself, you should just go on and see what happens. Don't live on hold.

Boys had good time on bike ride, no one was maimed or killed. Three of us had accidents, no harm done except for a hole in my pants, and one of the boys bikes needs repairs. I had better slow down next time. We passed a group of about 8 women on the trail, and I thought of Lisa and her bike trips. I hope she is OK too. I think you are OK, most of the time in most ways.

SS

Hi SS

Glad you all enjoyed the bike trip though sory to hear about the accidents.

What kept you from asking him along if you wanted to ask?

I didn't want to seem to be pursuing him and so felt it best not to invite him to join us.

Have spent the last 48 hours trying to decide what to do with the week now- especially as its a bank holiday here in England and so even without the dog most holidays are booked up and outside my budget. plan at the moment I think is to spend a couple of days in a hotel near my oldest friend and visit her and her family, then hop across to the lovely lake District for another couple of days on my own before going to stay with my mum and attend the Fylde Folk Festival- which will take me back well and truly to my youth!! But am in a very indecisive frame of mind and so haven't actually booked any of it yet!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

In the meantime we are basking in temperatures in the high 80's low 90's which for Britain is rare - so everything seems to be taking twice as long to accomplish!!

Jante

But am in a very indecisive frame of mind and so haven't actually booked any of it yet!!!

Some days it's like that. Some days I would rather stay home where it's safe, where things are familiar and comfortable. Where I control the world, not someone else.

If you have time, please tell me how the boys are. You see them daily and it probably seems like it is much the same from day to day. Is D going to church?

Does C still worry about things?

I hope you don't mind me asking.

SS

PS, about the weather, we have quite a few days around 115 the last few weeks, but we are more used to it, at least we all have air conditioning to keep cool. I doubt that many homes do where you are. How do you cope?

<small>[ July 15, 2003, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>