Hi

Booked!! I have found a five day sail training course off the south coast of England and have booked myself on it so will have a great time making new friends and improving my sailing skills. Decision at last!

The boys are all well , D's report was better than last year although still with room for improvement! A thoroughly enjoyed his trip to france and seems to be losing interest in soccor! C had an excellent report from school, is still a cuudly little boy and has just been accepted by the local soccor club to join their junior league. he is thrilled. despite his small size he wantys to paly goal keeper.

D refuses to attend church with me and so I chose to give him the option of to go or not- hard but it was the only way not to lose a battle every week. A finds the present church boring but still wants to go and has said he'd rather not change again unless we move back to our old church by moving to Scotland. C has never really enjoyed going to church but goes because I make him at the moment!!

Life is [pretty stable in this household at the moment and the children seem to be growing up well. Hope all is well with you and yours.

Jante

are you still proceeding with the divorce, and what is the timeline and his actions on that front?
Nick from London.

Jante

i dont post here often anymore - but I do come by to check on old friends; and sometimes contact new ones. Two things I would like to add;

(1) Doesnt OW know that Australia already has its fair share of OW?? Still, for your sake I hope she proceeds with her pan - she could have a ready made friend in the form of another OW who has been part of my life!

(2) Just hold firm there honey; now is the time for head > heart; let H sort himself out. Think of you, you , you! What would you have done if this had not happened? What are your feelings for H? Give it time. He probably needs a cuddle right now as he goes through withdrawal - so tempting to give it - I suggest you just keep a few paces between you. You have done the hard yards - a bit more time wont hurt; wait until he actually asks for yourlove ans support.

Wishing you strength and peace of mind as you deal with this.

R

HI
Thanks for posting Nick and Rose- its always good to have other viewpoints and encouragement.

Nick

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> are you still proceeding with the divorce, and what is the timeline and his actions on that front?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The divorce is still going through but my solicitor has recommnded we hold off filing for the absolute until H sends in the financial information in order to gat a financial sttlement. H has told me he has sent some of the paperwork to his solicitor but that last I heard from my solicitor there had been nothing sent on to him. Two weeks ago my solicitor sent H's sol. a letter requesting a full communication on where they were at. Of course now H has moved and hasn't got a permanent address at the moment so not sure how and when he is getting his post. So no there is no timeline on this. may have to contact my sol again later this week and inform him of the changes and ask his advice!

Rose

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesnt OW know that Australia already has its fair share of OW?? Still, for your sake I hope she proceeds with her pan - she could have a ready made friend in the form of another OW who has been part of my life!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW is probably not bothered- she is 10 years younger than H and has never been married- i sense she is happy with no commitment. She has family and friends in Australia and has been offered a job there whereas her job situation in UK has been very volatile for last 15 months.

As regards heart and head - I am being ruled for the most part by my head. though when he first told me I did offer him a hug as a friend which he accepted but since have kept my distance. I am continuing wiuth my life as it was- planned a holiday for myself while he has the boys and have only contacted him between visits with info about boys and only as often as before - ie rarely!

Still not sure about how I feel about him coming back - head heart thing again!!! Heart would have him back, head reminds me of all the problems it would bring, not leat financial! Thanks again for your input.

Jante

Hi J,
Sounds like you did not want to stay home and think !!

Booked!! I have found a five day sail training course off the south coast of England and have booked myself on it so will have a great time making new friends and improving my sailing skills. Decision at last!

I remember you talking about the boys going sailing with T last year. I remember more sailing discussions, but I had better leave them alone. I have never been sailing, and I don't think I would know starboard from port. Anyone else you know going on the trip?

Thank you for the report on the boys. I have wanted to ask before but usually I feel I ought to leave you alone.

I am glad you have these three boys to love. I am glad they have you for their mother.

Life is pretty stable in this household at the moment and the children seem to be growing up well. Hope all is well with you and yours.
Right now it is. I find I worry about the married children, but from what I can see, they are ahead of where I was when newly married. I find myself wishing I could help them skip the bad parts but it probably would not be wise even if it were possible.

As regards heart and head - I am being ruled for the most part by my head. though when he first told me I did offer him a hug as a friend which he accepted but since have kept my distance. I am continuing with my life as it was- planned a holiday for myself while he has the boys and have only contacted him between visits with info about boys and only as often as before - ie rarely!

Still not sure about how I feel about him coming back - head heart thing again!!! Heart would have him back, head reminds me of all the problems it would bring, not least financial! Thanks again for your input.

I was thinking this morning about some of the posts I have done to you. As I go over things, it seems like most of the time I made a suggestion you were already way ahead of me. ( of course, you may have been journaling much of the time.) You seem very centered now. You seem sure of yourself, and I believe you are doing well, and will continue to do well. What an amazing journey, and it's not over yet. I don't think I was surprised that T and OW split, in fact, I didn't think it would last this long.

Sometimes I think I worry more about T now than I do about you. I said once that his future would not be very bright if he didn't learn and change. I hope he gets it soon.

Yes, I am glad the boys are doing well, and I am glad you are also. I'll keep praying for you.

SS

Hi SS

Sounds like you did not want to stay home and think !!

That wasn't an option- I had originally planned that when T was taking the boys camping in a fortnight because I was unable to fix up anywhere for the dog, but then T decided it made sense for him to have the boys here and look after the dog for me so I could go away later in August. H esaid the date would suit him better after all. I could have said no- and if I hadn't got the boat adventure I would have done, but he might have felt it was sour grapes on my part. As it is the sail training is something I have long wanted to do. There is no one else I know going as far as I am aware.

Sometimes I think I worry more about T now than I do about you. I said once that his future would not be very bright if he didn't learn and change. I hope he gets it soon.

So do I SS - so do I. He is sounding more cheerful now than he has for a few weeks but it still can't be easy to be him. At this present time he has no home, he would like a new job but has to wait to hear, he has lost a good friend due to betrayal and of course has lost his new partner, and finally his finances are in a mess. I remember last Oct after the car crash asking what more he could lose as at that time he has lost his job, the castle and his car- then he said only his life!! With all that is being taken from him again- the only thing he has left is his sailing and the children with me in the background. Is it the time to remove me more as well or to be there as a reassurence?

I could go ahead with the absolute despite my sols advice over the financial package but will wait a few more days.

Jante

Hi J,
I did the greeting, and burst out laughing because I thought of something to tease you with, but I better leave it alone. You think I am weird enouth as it is.

I laugh again, for if I leave this as it is, that would be teasing in and of itself - at least after a fashion. Oh well, I think I'll leave it.

I'll try and do better in the future, and not leave you hanging.

I have been reading "The five love languages" by Chapman. I think I remember you saying ( last year sometime) that you had read it and you felt you gave love by acts of service, but that T expected touch. It is an interresting book and I find almost everything I read to be useful. I kind of lean to Dr Harley's view that we need to meet the 5 top needs, because it seems that they change at our house depending on lots of things. W says she doesn't have a clue which is her most important and that she doesn't feel like needs anything. Hard to help when they say that, but it will come in time. About the same as the most important EN, and she lists that as FS but says it is met so she doesn't worry.

I can see much truth in what Chapman says though. I believe it is very accurate for some people.

It caused me to think that there is some truth to be found in many places. I accept it where ever I find it, or I try to do so. One of the reasons I suggested going to God for help is that there is often error mixed into the truth. I think the "diet" or weight loss business is an example of this - I have seldom seen so many conflicting ways recommended to acomplish the same goal.

I believe there are moral absolutes and that the only way to know for sure what the truth is, is to get the final word from God in prayer.

Lets see, where was I? I was called away from my desk over an hour ago, and just now got back and have lots of e-mail to answer. Maybe I should wrap this up as I have kind of lost my train of thought. Please forgive me. I'm going to think a minute or two and see - but I won't be long.

Oh yes - Why did I bring this up?
I suspect with what is going on right now, many of these thoughts come back to you. I hope you have dealt with all the feelings and that you don't blame yourself all over again for what happened. I don't think you need to do it all over again. As you can see if you look at things from OW point of view, he isn't the most easy person to stay with, but you stayed. Are you giving your self credit for that part? If not, you should.

Well, I have taken much to long, and probably said way to much. Thanks again for telling about the boys.

Later Edit.
I see I got all done and posted it and forgot to comment about part of your message.
With all that is being taken from him again- the only thing he has left is his sailing and the children with me in the background. Is it the time to remove me more as well or to be there as a reassurence?
I believe Dr Harley would say it is time to remove yourself as well. I think espoir would say it too. I...........I probably agree. It is not really plan B though, because you aren't giving him a letter saying you want things to work out but you are apart to preserve your love for him. That's a hard one. Knowing what Jesus taught in the parable of the good samaritian, and knowing you, I would suppose you will help however you can, but keep your distance emotionally. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you offered him a place to stay, even though it is far away.

I do think God knows what to do, and I think you can get it out of him.

I could go ahead with the absolute despite my sols advice over the financial package but will wait a few more days.

Unless you are in a hurry for some reason, you may as well give him time. I don't think a few months will bother you, but it is your life after all. He really is in the middle of a hardship and you are a kind person. Perhaps you can ask him how long he needs? I suspect he may not know, but it would be a start.

Please note, I am not teasing you about being kind. That is part of why I respect you so much.

OK, finally done.
SS

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Jante, first of all he's admitted he didnt' want it to end. She caused the end. Under those circumstances, I wouldn't dream of taking him back until you're sure he's really awake and no feelings left for her!
Keep right on your path and dont' veer off. It's his place to make the moves, but I sure wouldn't be his easy place to fall or rebound. It has to be real on his part.
God bless, louLou

Hi

SS
Knowing what Jesus taught in the parable of the good samaritian, and knowing you, I would suppose you will help however you can, but keep your distance emotionally. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you offered him a place to stay, even though it is far away.
How well you know me, I haven't offered him a permanent place to stay but have offered him a bed next saturday at the end of his holiday if he hasn't got his digs sorted out as he sees the boys on the sunday. It isn't impossible for him to commute from here to london daily if he wanted to- but is expensive- he did commute for three years just before D was born until just before A was born.

LL I appreciate your concern and must admit there is no sign that he wants to come back at the moment anyway so the question doesn't arise except in the sense of me sorting out in my own mind what my response may be. I understand your points.

Today has been a bit stressful- with A coming home late twice from playing with friends, the second time making us late leaving for church. because i then told him he would be grounded he started arguing with my as we approached the service. I turned round put the boys back in the car and came home- non of us were going to benefit from going in the attitude we were in. A has since said he refuss to go anymore because he no longer believes in God. his argument being that if there was a God He wouldn't have made him suffer so much. Had a discussion since but at this moment he is adament. Will have to think and pray this one through a little more before making any firm decision.

Jante

<small>[ July 20, 2003, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: jante ]</small>

Hi J,
I see the tests keep coming for you.

Today has been a bit stressful- with A coming home late twice from playing with friends, the second time making us late leaving for church. because i then told him he would be grounded he started arguing with my as we approached the service. I turned round put the boys back in the car and came home- non of us were going to benefit from going in the attitude we were in. A has since said he refuses to go anymore because he no longer believes in God. his argument being that if there was a God He wouldn't have made him suffer so much.

This is a hard one, but then, just about all of them are hard ones at this age.

I asked Spencer what he thought and the conversation went something like this:
First I related what you said and I asked: What do you think she should do?"
S: " I don't know, why won't he go?"
Me - I quoted you again and asked: " Do you think he should go to church?"
S: " Or course he should go to church, but if you make him go he will resent it."
Me: "Why should he go?"
S: That's a dumb question, how smart is this kid? God doesn't make people suffer, , he lets them suffer for their own good. He should go so he can learn about this stuff, how will he learn if he quits going?"
S is 17 and sometimes doesn't say things very nicely. He repeated again that A ought to be smart enough to understand that at this age he ought to be doing what you ask him to do, and that it will pay off in the end. Some of the terms he used are not nice ( which I will work on .) I also notice that he has had his own days where he didn't want to do, but with me here it is hard for him to get away with things. I hope this is not one more thing that T has to answer for someday.

Spencer came and read this over my shoulder and said:" Tell him he doesn't have to believe in God but as long as he lives with you, he needs to obey the rules of your home and that is that everyone that lives there goes to church.. That's what you do with me, and it works doesn't it?"

We do what works for Spencer, but I don't know if it will work with A and D.

a discussion since but at this moment he is adament. Will have to think and pray this one through a little more before making any firm decision.

I am going to give suggestions, because that is what I always seem to do. I want to say up front that by the time you read them, you usually have it figured out, and also, they are just ideas. I give them because I care, but you are a smart gal, and you know the boys best and ought to do as you wish.

We have used a motion picture to teach about why God lets things happen. One of them distributed by Disney in the US is "Pollyanna" I am not sure if you are familiar with it, but it is about a girl whose parents die and she goes to live with her aunt. She cheers up many people in the course of the show, but in the end she is in an accident of her own and it causes her aunt to question her faith in God. Our children enjoy the film because it contains a good story line and a lot of humor but I don't know if it has been distributed in the UK. I think it would be easier to explain things to him after viewing something like this.

It may also be helpful if you know someone that has had hardship but learned a good lesson from it to relate the story to him. I believe his Grandparents may be able to help you out with this.

I had to find my own way with this too. When I was 17 I quit going for a time. My father spoke to me about it. I thought he would be angry, but he said ( and I remember it very well to this day) "If there is no God, if church is a sham, then we would be better off going fishing. BUT, if there is a God, if he has organized a church on the earth to help you be happy, if there are things you can do to be a happier person, then you ought to find it out and continue to go."

He challenged me to pray about it every day for a month and then let him know what I found out. I have been attending church weekly since that time, so you can tell what I learned. I got some answers of my own that have gotten me through many hard time since then, and I am glad for what I learned. I wish T really understood what he was doing with his sons hearts.

I believe that God organized a church because there really are two forces. There are those that work for good and those that work for evil. Random individual goodness in not enough in the fight against evil. That battle, or war or whatever you want to call it is depicted well in the Harry Potter books, and also in the Lord of the rings books.( though I don't know if that is what the authors intended) Good against evil - and for many, evil will win if they don't learn for themselves what the truth is. That is one of the reasons I have prayed for your boys, though I have never met them. I think I have told you why, and what I feel my mission in life is before this. We help where we are able to help. Every week, I teach a class to a group of boys, I wish A was in my class and I could talk to him. Perhaps I could not help, perhaps I could. I have stories to tell that I can't tell here. For me, God is as real as anything else in this life.

Well, you will do the best you can do, and that has always been good enough. Perhaps you could write T a note about these things again. Not asking for help, but just expressing your feelings and close by telling him thanks for listing, I know we have discussed this and you told me I would just have to deal with it, but I needed to talk to someone about it.

Then just leave it like that, without asking him to help.
I have said a number of times that he needs to know what he has done and is doing to his family. I still believe that.

One scripture that has stuck in mind these last few years is one that says something like this:
As in the days of Noah, so shall be the days of the coming of the Son of Man."
I think it is in one of the 4 gospels where he speaks of what it will be like when he comes back. Evil is gaining in the world. That is easy to see if one looks around. It will continue to get worse until he comes again. This time there will be more than 8 ( as were on the ark) that make it. I figure my job is to help as many as I can to learn what I have learned. I am sure my father used inspiration to help me find my way. I don't' know if that would work for everyone, but I am glad it did for me.

Well, you were probably not asking for a post like this one. Thanks for putting up with me. I wish I could do more. One of the reasons I pray so hard for your boys, is that I figure that with as good as you have done lately, evil won't want you to have success. I can use all the help I can get, and figured you could also. One of the best things you can do is continue to show and tell the boys that you love them, and I know you will continue.

SS

BTW, I was indeed speaking of short term accommodations for T, not long term, just as you stated it. I wish everyone on the earth were as kind as you are.

<small>[ July 20, 2003, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Still seeking? Where do you live? I'm in high desert in California and it's been that hot here too! whew. but at least dry heat.
Jante, enjoy your holiday and you sound like you're doing great. Give it time even if it means holding off on the final decree. See where your head and heart are down the road.
Blessings. LouLou

Hi nice to hear from you both, SS and LL.

SS
Thanks for talking to Spencer about A and how he is feeling. I agree i should be able to just say - we go as a family- and that be it- but when I tried that it was forefully pointed out to me by the boys that as dad didn't go any more we didn't go as a family. A also knows that as far as I am concerned they have to be 13 before they are given the choice between going to church and not going. This coming sunday could be interesting as for once their dad will be visiting them instead of on saturday- not sure how that will affect things. While as an adult I agree with Spencers view about suffering I do have to say that A is only 12- I wonder at 12 had S had his faith tested in the same way that A has? A I belive does still belive in God but is spouting common world view at this point out of his pain- to hit out at me and his dad for causing his pain as he sees it. I will take opportunity this week when the dust has settled to talk to him again about things.
On a lighter note I have introduced cooking days for the boys this summer holiday- each week each boy has to cook the main meal with me- they chose what we eat and do all the preparation with me supervising. The added bonus to this is that as well as learning to cook it gives us time together- without the distractions of brothers or tv etc to talk.

LL I am slowly mastering the art of patience- not been a very quick learner I am afraid.

Jante

Hi J,
I have been thinking about posting back ever since I read this yesterday. Your plight has been on my mind quite a bit. I am going to post, but I don't know if I have much help for you, you can judge I suppose.

I want to say up front that I agree with YOU about what Spencer said. He doesn't have any idea about what A has gone through. I passed it on so you could compare him to your own boys. He still has days when he doesn't use much logic in what he says or does and we can't get him to do the right thing. He could use a big dose of humility most days, and that shows in what he said. After I quoted his words, he read over my shoulder and "corrected me." He said I had not quoted him correctly ( I think I softened it a little) and I changed it back to what he wanted.

I agree i should be able to just say - we go as a family- and that be it- but when I tried that it was forefully pointed out to me by the boys that as dad didn't go any more we didn't go as a family.
We don't say we have to go as a family. We say " everyone who lives here goes by the rules of this house. If you don't want to live these rules, you can move out and be as free as you want to be. Just let me know where to send your stuff. HOWEVER, if you don't move out, you know the rules and we expect you to abide by them."

We have had conversations where they go round and round trying to get out of the rules. Here are a few of them.

Child: " You know I can't afford to move out, you are forcing me to do this."
Me: " Lots of kids get jobs and move out of their parents homes. If you don't want to do it, that is your choice, but don't blame me for the results of your choices. You can choose to go get a job and move out, or you can choose to live here, and it looks like you are here, so the rules still apply."

Child: "I'm not old enough to move out, the state makes you take care of me until I am 18, and I can't go until then. "
Parent: "If you can talk one of your friends into taking you, I'll sign the papers, if not, then you are stuck with us and our rules. The state seems to think that we can take care of you better than you can yourself until you are 18, perhaps you better think on that one for a little while. If you really want to get out of these rules that bad, then I am sure you will figure out a way to move out. Until then, you know what I expect. "

Perhaps some would think me a harsh parent, but I want them to think about things and not blame me for all their troubles. If they really want to move, they can. But you know what, so far not one of them has moved before they were 19. Our 2nd son turned 18 and we had one of these discussions with him about that time. He said " Do you think I'm crazy? Moving out would take real money, I'll stay here for awhile."

A also knows that as far as I am concerned they have to be 13 before they are given the choice between going to church and not going. This coming Sunday could be interesting as for once their dad will be visiting them instead of on Saturday- not sure how that will affect things.
Tell them to invite him to church with them and wink at them when you do it. Perhaps they will understand and get caught up in it too. Oh, I don't know. This is one of the things that makes divorce so terrible. Two sets of values, and children almost always choose the easier ones.

While as an adult I agree with Spencer's view about suffering I do have to say that A is only 12- I wonder at 12 had S had his faith tested in the same way that A has? A I believe does still believe in God but is spouting common world view at this point out of his pain- to hit out at me and his dad for causing his pain as he sees it.

As I said above, I don't think Spencer understands at all. He just says what comes to mind without thinking it through much.

Knowing boys well, and working with 12 year olds for so long, I think he is just finding the best argument for what he wants, and using that to get his way. You know him best, and I may be wrong, but that is usually what they do. Often they don't believe their argument them selves, but they use it if they think it will work. Sometimes it surprises them that it works, because they don't expect to win.

We also operate on the premise that we carefully choose our battles, and we try not to fight the ones we will loose, or that have little importance. I have learned that it is good to give in sometimes and let them do things if it is will work at all for them to do it.
One of the most difficult things ( for me) is to stand up for some small thing that may not be very important on the surface so that we can maintain obedience. If we as parents loose control it is very hard to get it back, so sometimes the consequences are swift and terrible (that's a figure of speech, I don't think we are really terrible) at our house, so that we can teach the principal of obedience.

The other thing I have found is that you need leverage. You have to have something they want that they are willing to be obedient to keep. Some freedom, like computer use, going to friends, or something that they value that can be used as leverage. Without that, it is difficult to produce a change in them. Sometimes if I have no leverage, I think of a reason to support them and say yes to what them want to avoid fighting a loosing battle. I suspect you know all about that too.

I will take opportunity this week when the dust has settled to talk to him again about things.
I wish you had help. I know you do quite well on your own, but I wish you had help. Sometimes we have just told them we know they realize our request is the right thing, and we expect them to cooperate with us. Sometimes it works !!

On a lighter note I have introduced cooking days for the boys this summer holiday- each week each boy has to cook the main meal with me- they chose what we eat and do all the preparation with me supervising. The added bonus to this is that as well as learning to cook it gives us time together- without the distractions of brothers or TV etc. to talk.

I think that is a wonderful idea. It is good for them all around, and for you too. After a few years, (after you have been elected PM) they can cook for you as you will be very busy.

LL, I live a few hours north east of Las Vegas NV.

Jante, please don't ever think I am trying to tell you what to do. I just offer suggestions, and hope one of them may be useful every once in a while. I have much respect for you and what you have done to overcome the hardships in your life the last few years. You are not the only one that has problems with your sons. (I know that for sure, since I am have had them too.) I keep praying for a little relief for you, and if that is not possible, that you will continue to have the ability to cope.

I hope you were able to do enough teaching so that you could save some money as well as meet your needs. I suspect what is happening with T, the income may not be there from him.

I find that I worry about you again today, after some months of feeling fine about you. Not that I feel you will make some mistake, just that I fear some pain may have returned, and I hate to see that. I hope current events are not heavy on your mind.

I hope you are sleeping well at night these days.

SS

<small>[ July 28, 2003, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi J,
Have things been exciting lately?

I will be Traveling on and off through Aug 18th. If I don't come round much, that's why.

Can't wait to hear about your trip.

SS

Jante,
Just followed your thread today , seeing how it's going.

Like your husband, my A ended right before divorce. I did end it though, not OM.

Still hoping for a reconciliation, and things are finally looking a little 'up'.(divorce was final a year ago) LIke JL said, about a year or so for my exH to believe I am serious about him, not just grasping for the familiar.

Good luck, and do post as I want to know what's going on with you now, and your H.

H_P

HI folks- have been off line for 2 weeks due to a computer glitch but back again now- although off on holiday from next saturday.
I am doing fine- with very little change between my H an myself. He is still friendly- does things like fix my computer for me and yet is still insisting that he wants me to carry on with the dv. I could stall it if I wanted to but am no longer sure I want to. I want to move on with my life and I think he is still so proud and guilty that he wouldn't admit to changing his mind even if he has.

The boys are now aware of the split between H and OW but havent shown any sign of considering he might move home.

Enjoying wonderful sunshine again here in the UK
Jante

I have a hard time knowing what to say. I suspect sometimes you wonder why you would even consider taking him back, and other times if you got any encouragement at all, you would throw your arms around him.

No matter what happens, you still have friends. I'll check in near the end of the week when I return.

SS

Hi SS
Thanks- yes you have caught my feelings exactly.

I will be away from Saturday for a week with the boys. Will pop in again when I get back. H is not joining us on the holiday though in the end I did give him the option of coming with us for one of the w/es but he sauid he couldn't afford to travel up to Scotland. i understand it is an expensive long way for 48 hours. He will be coming to see the children the sunday after we return from holiday, and then will be here the following saturday to stay with the children for a week. I am not going to be travelling to my sailing trip until the Sunday and as his birthday falls while I am away he has said yes to the idea of going out as a family on Saturday night to celebrate his birthday. Its hard to realise how different things are this year from last year. Have tried to find my old posts- if I manage I'll post what I posted this time last year to show how far things have changed.
Jante

Hello J,
It is always nice to see how you are doing.
For some reason, you and the boys have beenon my mind a lot lately. I can't find anything to worry about, and I don't think you are in any trouble.
Since thoughts of your family still come to me, I continue to pray for all of you.

Spencer was put in charge of part of the family reunion, and he did a good job. I am happy to report that he can do things right, as well as making mistakes. I have faith that your own boys do much that is right, and that you will find many reasons to be glad you have them. I know that is hard in the middle of the frustrating times.

I will be away from Saturday for a week with the boys. Will pop in again when I get back. H is not joining us on the holiday though in the end I did give him the option of coming with us for one of the w/es but he sauid he couldn't afford to travel up to Scotland.

I am glad you invited him, that is consistant with my opinion of you ( very high.)

I understand it is an expensive long way for 48 hours. Especially for someone that has no money and lots of debt.

He will be coming to see the children the sunday after we return from holiday, and then will be here the following saturday to stay with the children for a week. I am not going to be travelling to my sailing trip until the Sunday and as his birthday falls while I am away he has said yes to the idea of going out as a family on Saturday night to celebrate his birthday.

I said once that you still meet some of his needs. Does he still meet some of yours too? Perhaps he does. Until the D is absolute, I count that as a good thing. I still wonder.

Its hard to realise how different things are this year from last year. Have tried to find my old posts- if I manage I'll post what I posted this time last year to show how far things have changed.

I remember your old posts better than most of the people I communicate with. Early June was the first time I heard you doubt, and by August you alternatly wondered, and tried to have faith. It would be an interresting read.

It has been a long time since I asked you serious questions. I wonder how to best support you, and I have said that before. I want you to know that I continue to care. I have thought that perhaps the best way to help you heal was to leave many things alone, and not bring them back to your mind.

I probably don't tell you enough how highly I think of you. I know how you feel about hearing this, but you'll just have to deal with that part of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I have great faith in you. I have faith in your ability to provide for your sons. I have faith in you knowing how to deal with T. I believe if and when you are ready to seek someone else that you will have no trouble finding someone to love, and to love you back. I applaud the care and concern you show your sons, your mother, and others. I still marvel that in the middle of all your worries you looked in to fostering. That quote I gave Lisa applies to you. I wish you could see what I see. Not that I think you need to be kept from folly, but I think you would shed a few tears and be glad if you could understand what you are really worth.

I want to tell you again that God knows who you are. He knows your favorite color, your birthday, and all your secrets. He knows your fears, your doubts, and how to best help you. Surely he knows how to help you find happiness. As much as he cares about you, he will help you find it. I believe he is helping even now.

Care and concern can only do so much, but that is probably as much as I can give now.

Wishing you well today.

SS

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS,

Glad to hear the family reunion went well and that spencer showed his ability so well. I'm sure you praised him for what he did.

Since thoughts of your family still come to me, I continue to pray for all of you. I do appreciate your prayers for me and my boys.

I said once that you still meet some of his needs. Does he still meet some of yours too? Perhaps he does. Until the D is absolute, I count that as a good thing. I still wonder.

I think he mets my need for human companionship and conversation, but whether I meet any of his needs I really don't know any more. Today I received an email from a dating site which ages ago I signed on to check up on him when he was using it before we separated- pre MBing days- , I'm still registered there although I rarely go to look. This email listed new people on the site- with photos and guess who was there!! It shook me a little- its only 3 weeks since he split with OW and obviously hes on the look out again. It brought home to me that this man is no longer the H I married and its time to get on with getting the dv sortrd. I spoke to my soliicitor today to check on my options as H still hasn't sent in all the financial stuff. I then emailed H with the options and asked him to communicate with me before I go on holiday as to his intentions.

I have great faith in you. I have faith in your ability to provide for your sons. I have faith in you knowing how to deal with T. I believe if and when you are ready to seek someone else that you will have no trouble finding someone to love, and to love you back. I applaud the care and concern you show your sons, your mother, and others. I still marvel that in the middle of all your worries you looked in to fostering
Thnakyou for your kind words. I know I'm not good at accepting compliments but I do appreciate you taking time to tell me how much you think of me.

I hope that one day there will be a new someone in my life as I believe that I was created to be a wife as well as a mother. but all in Gods time.

Off on Saturday for a weeks holiday but will check in again when I get back.

Jante