We went to MC to a woman with a PhD. She had terrific book knowledge, and she recommended a plan of recovery that could have been out of Harley's book on Surviving an Affair, but she was missing some of the subtleties of our relationship -- disregarding how my H provoked me and blaming me for disrupting things when I reacted. I am now going to an IC who does not have a PhD, but I believe that she does understand me, and I think progress is being made. Changes will be made. I will not settle for a bad marriage, for having my H use me as home base while he seeks happiness outside the M.
How did I find her? Well, I'm Catholic, and I got a referral from the Archdiocesan Office of Family Life.
Someone recommended going to three or four counselors before choosing one. I think that is good advice. But relying on the educational background .... I don't know.... Book knowledge doesn't always translate into good therapy.
One recommendation I would have in finding a therapist is to call their office and ask for their areas of specialty. If what you want is not in their top two or three areas, go elsewhere. If something in their top two or three areas is way off from your situation, consider not going. Don't allow the receptionist to ask what you need; instead, ask what they offer. If they have a speciality in marital recovery after an affair, then you know you have someone who knows what they are doing. If you ask if they can work with a couple recovering from an affair, you're likely to get a positive response that may or may not be meaningful.
I have a funny story for how I learned this lesson the hard way. I was so angry at my H for his A that I called around to find someone who specialized in anger. I met with her, and something just seemed off. She gave me some literature which I read after the session and which included ways in which a partner would be intimidated, such as "threatening to reveal sexual orientation." It turns out that this woman has a specialty in sexual orientation! I could have saved myself a trip to her if I had called her office and asked for her areas of specialty. Instead, what I had done is gotten some names of therapists who work with people with anger problems. This woman had a whole group of lesbians who met weekly to discuss anger problems. I do not have any problem with lesbians, BUT that therapist wasn't likely to be helpful in helping me to get past my anger at my H for having an A.
<small>[ July 06, 2003, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>
