Discovered W affair 4 weeks ago- tried to console
her for the first 3 weeks- and she just couldn't
break those feelings for him. Then I just told
her that she needed to get out ( Plan B ? )- and
go decide what she wants. She's been out a week
and the other Man will not leave his wife- surprise - surprise !

Now she says that she is so depressed that she
cannot work on us now. I feel like I keep getting
let down as I thought she would come back when caught, come back when she left with no luck on getting her man, and so on !

Nobody believes this is real except her - do I
keep holding on thinking that she will finally wake-up. This has been an emotional roller coaster that has nearly killed me and our kids.
( they are with me at our home )

Has anyone else been on this kind of ride ?

DONTDESERVETHIS,

I'm sorry for your pain but you are at the right place.

Yes others have and are going through the exact same thing you are. My WW has been living with OM for 3weeks now. It is normal for her to act like this when having an affair.

I'm not going to off er you advise as I'm still too new at this but others that have been around longer will respond to try to help.

Remember weekends are slow on the board so it might be tomorrow before you get many replies. Just bump up your thread in the morning.

Thanks hurting12 for your response !

Hopefully both of us will come out of this-

My kids and I need this !

I know. I have 4 here with me from 11 to 15yrs. Remember if you work it out it may take 2 years. You got to be in it for the long haul. Doing what is best for your kids.

If you can get "His Needs/ Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair" from this site. I always seem to get hurt the most when I deviate from what is taught in those books. Shipping is quick too, You'll get them in a couple of days.

DONTDESERVETHIS,

We all have been in the same situation as you are now. Be glad that you found us. You will get great advise that if followed will get you out of this mess.

For now, please try to read everything you find on this site, get the books recommended by hurting12, and don't make sudden movements. There is VERY LITTLE you can do now, but there is A LOT you can do to further damage the situation. Get the information from this site, the books and forum and UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING before attempting anything, I would say before even attempting to talk to your wife. From your post, I gather that you know the MB principles. That's good. Keep reading.

I (and everybody on this forum) know how you feel. We've all been there. Most of us still are. Beleive me, you're in A LOT better position than others.

Read, read, read everything here. With the knowledge aquired you will have a plan of action and regain some balance. It won't be easy, but it's better than acting on your emotions and instincts. Hang in there. Help is on it's way.

Did I say to read everything you find on this forum? Print it and read it.

BigStar

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: BigStar ]</small>

Thought I'll give it a bump.

Here is a link you should go to.

Notable threads and other reading material.

Check Husband2you signature and follow the links he has there.

Continue posting. Don't stop. Ask for advise every time you feel like making a decision. Avoid conversation with your wife until you KNOW what to say and most importantly NOT TO SAY.

BigStar

<small>[ July 07, 2003, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: BigStar ]</small>

Update -

She called yesterday and said that she wanted to come home
and was done with "him". I said ok - well after she was home
the first day it is very apparent to me that she still is in the
"fog" and terribly depressed. I want to stay throughout all
of this - it is just such a hard road. I haven't gotten my needs
met since the affair began 5 months ago. I wonder what would
have happened if he had come to her - she really thinks that
she is in love with this guy. He feed her all kinds of stuff.

How do I keep going forward with no expectations ?
Do you think she will come around with my support ?
Any other advise or words of wisdom ?

Does the OM's wife know about the affair? If it has not been exposed to all then they will continue living in FANTASY LAND for as long as no one bursts their bubble.

Sorry - yes she does and they are staying together. Even though
OM promised my W that he would leave and be with her - it did
not happen. He is a coward - I knew that he wouldn't leave.

I called the OM wife and told her - she thanked me and promptly
kicked her a** - but still is keeping him. Maybe he has done this
before ?

Any other words of widsom ?

Read, read, read everything on the website, and everything you can get your hands on.

Have you read about Plan A and Plan B?

Plan A is where you try to fulfill all of her Emotional Needs (the ones she went out seeking OM for). I know, it seems backwards, but be the best H you know how to be (better). See if she begins coming around...see if she starts waking up from the fog and says "what was I thinking?"

How long can you last giving, giving, giving and getting nothing in return? A day, a week, a month, a year, 3 months? Set a deadline in your head and try to make it. Give it time. If things don't turn around in that time, and you begin to put more of the Harley's principles into habits in your M, then consider Plan B. Ask her to move out again, to preserve the love you have for one another. Read about Plan B, it can really help a situation with a person who is sitting on the fence about staying in the M. Let them see what life would be TRULY like without you. In most cases they come back, but there is the chance they won't. It's a risk.

I was given advice that once the S moves out you need to make some very firm requirements for them to be able to move back in. This may be the only time you have this opportunity. I have recently gone through this process and FWH has begun doing 4 of the 5 requirements. It will be a slow process, but we are moving forward...it took his moving out for both of us to realize what life would TRULY be like without the other...