In Mortarman's post I started to thread-jack on the resentment issue so I have moved the discussion over to here. I have copied some of the discussion over here to bring this topic up to speed. I encourage all to respond.
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STTSI - As far as your resentment? I wish I had the answer to that. I am holding a lot of resentment toward my W for the A and it is a HUGE problem in our recovery. I wish I could just let it go like JL suggests, it is healthier that way. If you figure out how to let the resentment go, I would like to know.
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2long - And it is not just "like taking poison and waiting for the other person 2 die", it IS taking poison, which WILL kill your M so long as you keep taking it. Guaranteed.

Something 2 think about.
-2long
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STTSI - I know what you are saying but how do you let it go? That is what I struggle with. Some days are better than others. Some days the resentment is so strong that I don't want to look at her and I am tempted to say "fine, have your Dv and go to OM." Not very MB like, I know. I want to move on but I don't know how. Sometimes I wonder if I hold on to it so I can remember the pain so that it will keep my guard up.

I told my W over the weekend that my problem is that I am trying to make sense and find logic in having an A. I am a black and white very logical guy. I see no logical reason to EVER have an A. Therefore I am trying to find logic in a ill-logical situation.
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star*fish - Someone here has a quote...forgive me for not remembering who, but it read like this:

"resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

You are right to worry about how it will eat away at your recovery. It will destroy your love for your wife as surely as any of her actions or inaction. I once told my husband that if his A didn't destroy our marriage, then my reaction to it surely would. I was specifically talking about resentment and his inability to fill my needs or give real compensation of me after the A.
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2long - Not very any-R building!

How do you let it go? Well, I'm not always good at letting it go myself, but I DO know that the best way 2 avoid falling in2 the resentment trap is 2 observe what happens 2 my thinking when I go there. It really is awful stuff, resentment. I look at what happens 2 my thinking, my imagination, when my ego forces me 2 start falling back in2 "victim" mode. It utterly consumes me, so much so that I imagine my W is doing all kinds of vindictive things behind my back. And you know what? Even those that I find are "true" are only true to my expectations, because there is always another viewpoint. I have 2 let go of the need 2 be "right" about interpreting what I think she's saying/doing. When it works, I take responsibility for my own thoughts and actions, and let my W take responsibility for hers.

Change the subject, in effect.

<small>[ July 07, 2003, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Still Trying To Save It ]</small>

2long-

I know what you mean about changing the subject. When I notice myself starting to dwell on the A too much I will try to change the subject or do something fun. My W has been very helpful with this and understands what I am going through.

But it seems to me that resentment is different from thinking about the A. I hold resentment about her having the A soooo soon after getting married how she treated me during the A and for filing for divorce and asking for what she did. That is why I am resentful and distrustful.

STTSI,

Here some other interesting thoughts about resentment from some posters I truly respect.

From Lost and Found:

1. Guilt is anger turned inward.
2. Resentment is an outward long-term milder form of anger…not necessarily visible, but very influential, and can be difficult to overcome.
3. Bitterness is an outward long-term deep anger…probably visible, very influential, and extremely difficult to overcome.
4. Blame is an attempt to impose our anger on another or our self.

I think when we speak of any of the above, we're basically talking about the single emotion of anger. However, these are all dangerous and harmful forms of anger. The healthy way to deal with anger is to always let it all out slowly and in a controlled manner. Withholding anger almost always yields deep pain for the person who is angry, the object of their anger, and so many other innocent bystanders.

I believe anger is the root of many people's inability to forgive. I also believe it is the emotion that is behind many decisions we later regret and is the cause of so much needless pain in our lives.

I believe God gave us anger as a short-term protection device. Anger fuels anxiety and it’s the driving force that helps us to protect our self and gives strength to stand up for what we believe or against injustice. God never intended anger as a long term driving force. It blinds us, controls us, closes our mind, distorts our perspective, and impedes us from doing what is right and good…it also make it difficult for us to forgiving.

Anger is generally behind the WS pursuit of an extramarital affair. It’s also usually behind the BS inability to reconcile and forgive. Anger is more than likely the emotion that got us into the mess we’re in and the thing that prevents us from getting out of it. It causes one person to try to hurt the another, which they claim to love. It's the fuel behind the up and down emotions of the BS and is apart his frantic effort to both save the marriage and obtain revenge simultaneously. True love and anger are totally incompatible. When angry, love is at bay, and vise versa.

More than likely, if we are angry, forgiveness and healing cannot happen. I believe we must completely forget in one sense for forgiveness to happen…we must forget the pain and the anger behind the event. We need to remember the event as a lesson for the future, but we need to let go of the negative emotions that accompanied it, otherwise we are the ones who are controlled by it and happiness is only momentary event.

I’ve never met a happy angry person…anger is a choice as much as happiness is.

From Happy Husband:

For me, there seems to be a relationship between seeing myself as a victum, feeling resentment and being unable to forgive. They go hand in hand.

When an injustice is done it is human instinct to percieve ourselves as "victims" of the injustice...or the person who is responsible for it. Being a victim has certain benefits. It creates sympathy that helps manipulate everyday negotiations in our lives. We use when buying a car (I have to give up A/C if I buy this one...but I will if you lower the price). we use it when negotiating with our boss (I gave up my weekends 10 times this year, won't you give me a raise). We use it when negotiating with our kids (I wash your clothes and cook your meals, the least you could do is clean your room).

Being a victim (ie: having some owe you something for past injustices/sacrifices) is a status that we all long to achieve... dispite its negative connotation. We all knopw how to use it to our benefit. Once we forgive the past injustices/sacrifices we give up that negotiating tool. We can no longer use it as an excuse to hold our spouses accountable for their time. We cannot demand that they change their behavior in order to protect us from our insecurity. We have to respect their boundaries the way we want ours respected.. Ie: we lose the advantage and the control...we wind up on equal ground.

For me, the victim status is one that I have to reconcile with before I can forgive. I like the control and the upperhand it gives me. But I also kjnow that in the long run what goes around, comes around. It isn't ehalthu for my marriage.

In general, I think giving up this control is more than we can handle when we are still in pain. We hang onto the "victim status" like a security blanket...always there to protect us when we get scared. We need to feel strong and secure before we can let it go.

star*fish those are some wonderful quotes!

"Anger is generally behind the WS pursuit of an extramarital affair. It’s also usually behind the BS inability to reconcile and forgive. Anger is more than likely the emotion that got us into the mess we’re in and the thing that prevents us from getting out of it. It causes one person to try to hurt the another, which they claim to love. It's the fuel behind the up and down emotions of the BS and is apart his frantic effort to both save the marriage and obtain revenge simultaneously. True love and anger are totally incompatible. When angry, love is at bay, and vise versa."

I thought this was a really powerful statement! I know my anger is stopping me from forgiving and moving on. It has only been 3 months so maybe this is a normal state for me to be in right now.

"Being a victim (ie: having some owe you something for past injustices/sacrifices) is a status that we all long to achieve... dispite its negative connotation. We all knopw how to use it to our benefit. Once we forgive the past injustices/sacrifices we give up that negotiating tool."

The victim status is a wonderful way to control someone because it gives you the upperhand.

For me the question remains: How do you let go of the anger/resentment so you can move forward with recovery?

Resentment is overcome with acceptance:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Acceptance is:

Open-mindedness - allowing other than self to infiltrate the person you are. Open-minded is not the same as broad-minded. Broad-minded is being open-minded only to things accepted to you. Open-minded is having a mind receptive to new ideas. An attitude of inquiry. This cannot be done 100% - but one can work towards full inquiry.

To be in accordance with reality. Acceptance is when you do not try to overcome what is. You accept the things you cannot change. The word ‘try’ carries various feelings such as anger, worry, fear, fret, and resistance (defiance). The word ‘trying’ implies that you are struggling with indecision.

Acceptance creates the obvious. It is calm, clear, and obvious. It is open-minded to allow the appropriate solution, or action, to the problem - whatever that may be. It might mean that you do nothing. What ever it is, it is obvious.

Acceptance leads to ‘gratitude’. There is no gratitude in a person who is struggling to accept the way things are. A person who can accept reality becomes grateful for the serenity it brings.

When you accept, you are free to decide what to do in recovery. You will become aware of the appropriate action when you ask yourself: "What is the appropriate action for this person?".

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

STTSI:

Ah, yes, the victim 2L! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Let go of the need for control. Let go of the need for having the "upper hand."

You have 2 be able 2 forgive the past injustices, perceived and/or real.

The trouble with resenting a S's A, is that we feel "justified." And our friends and family will keep reminding us that we're justified. But, if you think about it, does it do you any good? It might make you feel better about yourself for a time, but if you really think about this, like take an objective view of EVERYTHING that lead up 2 the position you find yourself in, I think you'll feel pretty primitive after all.

I know I do.

-2long

Topic: Think I am stuck in resentment, how do I get out?

There are folks talking over there with some of the same schools of thought. Why don't I signal them to come over here...pull up a few more chairs...is it Ok to shout across the boards?

dustkitty! you betcha! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The word trying implies that you are struggling with indecision. - How fitting that it is in my username here. Everyday I ask myself if I am making the right decision or not.

star*fish you are recovered, correct? If so, were you the WS or the BS? I am wondering if I am trying (there is that word again) to ruch recovery too much.

I am the BS, and yes, I am in recovery.

2long- my W told me that she thinks I am controling. While I never thought that until she explained why it is a habit I am working on breaking. I think it was you who mentioned the need for being right. That too is me. I am never wrong, even when I am wrong I am right. Right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong>I am the BS, and yes, I am in recovery.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So then do you think my W and I are rushing thigs too much? We have only been talking since March and living together since May.

Getting past betrayal was excruciating and required getting past resentment and learning acceptance and detachment in some regard. But when I stepped out of Plan A, accepted that my marriage might not survive and stopped being afraid of losing what I never had...then...I was ready for recovery.

I don't know your story well enough to comment....are you the BS as well?

Yes, I am the BS. W and I married 6/02, EA started 7/02, PA 9/02, I finally had proof 10/02 (suspected from the beginning), D-Day 11/02, she filed for divorce 12/02. She contacted me about recovery in March and she moved back home in May.

Since then we have had some real ups and downs. When she contacted me about reconcilliation I no longer wanted the M. I had been through hell and I wanted out. As a matter of fact, I was thinking of changing my name since I didn't want my M anymore. So now I am trying to recover something that I really didn't want anymore. I waited too long before going into plan B. My LB was empty. Now I am rebuilding that also from a hugely negative balance.

My W has been wonderful since March. I told her the other day that I finally have the W I always wanted but I fear it may be too late for us. That is exactly how I feel these days.

I hope that is enough background info for ya.

Thanks

STTSI,

Not unlike you, by the time my H had is second infidelity, I help out absolutely little hope that he could do ANYTHING that would make be want to remain married. It took us almost two years past d day to reach recovery. Most people think that getting through the A itself is the hardest part....but forgiveness is not as difficult as recommitting, rebuilding etc. Forgiveness came relatively easily....for me...because I could see how our marriage became vulnerable so easily...but not getting mired down in the resentment was so much harder. I wanted my H to suffer and feel the kind of pain I did. I needed to feel as though he had real remorse and guilt. That isn't always possible, or even desirable. What are you doing to stop "controlling"?

What am I doing to stop controlling? I keep my mouth shut more often. A lot of it comes from my W. She has finally started to tell me her thoughts and feelings. She has started to tell me when she feels my behavior is controlling. When she does, if I don't understand why she feels that way I ask her for clarification as to what makes her feel controlled. From there we discuss. She tells me what it is that makes her feel controlled and I try to restate my position in a different manner.

A lot of it stems from communication. Pre-A, my W would do anything to avoid any type of disagreement. She never understood that we could look at the same issue and see things differently and sometimes both be right and both be wrong. I used to get so frustrated because she wouldn't communicate with me. Now that we are communicating, we are the happiest we have ever been in the 10 years we have know eachother. If I could just forget about the A.

So what am I doing to change? With her help I am understanding my actions so I can address them.

But do you resent feeling as though YOU need to change, when it was SHE who had the affair? I know I did. I kept thinking....what kind of crap is this Plan A thing? He should be kissing my feet (or my @ss ) right now for even being willing to take him back. It was hard to swallow. And it took a mind shift...and I think really a move to a different plane altogether to find peace in the path I had taken. I think you are moving in that direction and yes, it will take more time. Part of the shift comes with the realization that if your marriage fails, it won't be because you did.

<small>[ July 07, 2003, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

I don't resent my needing to change. I remember during the A I got into an argument with my mom because I was reading and changing as much as I could. She said it is your W who is having the A not you, I said Yes, mom I know but I am also partly responsible for her needs not being met. I don't mind needing to change.

Yes, I have a fear of failure. That to me is the only reason that I am still working on our M. I guess on some level I do love my W. But I don't ever see myself really loving her fully and completely and being happy with her.

I have more to say, but I am at a loss for words right now. My W would be shocked!

STTSI, if you found out that your W had one more week to live, would you feel that your resentment would become a dead issue? [I know what you're probably thinking, TMCM has finally taken a lethal dose of caffeine and has totally fried his last remaining brain cells (though some here would argue that this happened long ago). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )]. But seriously, stop and think for a moment, do we know how much time we and our loved ones have on this world before we die? of course not, and for that reason we should ALWAYS keep this in mind, otherwise we may end up wasting (what could possibly turn out to be) the last remaining days of our or our loved ones existence. If you've ever been a witness to a loved ones final days, you'd understand perfectly what I'm talking about how all the issues that consumed us tend to become petty irrelevancies. You might want to give what I said some thought for it just might change your perpective and outlook on your life and marriage.

<small>[ July 07, 2003, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>