My H hasn't been in contact with OW for 2 years, she moved away and is getting married. He didn't break it off...she did. That hurts me since she didn't have any strings (young college student) and nothing to lose and he had everything to lose.
H believes he hurt her and I agree and he wants to write a letter expressing an apology and letting her know that his marriage is most important, etc etc. I like the idea, but know what MB says about no contact. Is this a bad idea? My H just became a Christian and is into letter writing and apologies to everyone right now. Need some good advice.

One thought: how would you feel if she wrote back, accepting his apology and telling him about her life. Then he writes back, accepting her acceptance, and telling her that he's glad she has no hard feelings, how much he enjoyed her company. Then she phones him at work, suggesting they get together to talk it all over...

He didn't break it off...she did. That hurts me since she didn't have any strings
She broke it off & it hurt you because she had nothing to lose??

Am I missing something?

H believes he hurt her and I agree and he wants to write a letter expressing an apology and letting her know that his marriage is most important, etc etc.
SHE BROKE IT OFF! How did he hurt her?
By no contact in two years, he has proven that she is NOT important to him. Sounds like he may just want to know how she's doing..

I like the idea, but know what MB says about no contact. Is this a bad idea?
There has been no contact on two years, leave it alone.
It is a very bad idea.

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I actually think this is a good idea, but I think the letter should include all the things a typical MB no cntact letter includes. So, the trick will be to apologize without showing care for her, because showing care is a continuation of their relationship, and without inviting a reply, for the same reason.

IF he can do that, then sure, send it. But - you should read and approve it. This is a pretty interesting quesiton, and one I have not heard before - you might want to run it by Dr. Harley. He takes calls on a radio show from 1-2 pm CST every Monday and Thursday. The number is 1-651-681-8255.

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thank you for your replies!

I should clarify...I was hurt that HE didn't break it off and it didn't make sense to me that SHE would since she was the one with nothing to lose. Anyway, it's not supposed to make sense though, is it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

H believes he hurt her by just having the affair with her in the first place. He is older, was in a supervisory role and says he treated her like a plaything that he didn't care about. He is remorseful about that now. I don't think she would care either way, but she is getting married and I wouldn't want her marriage to have the pain that mine has had to endure. I would like to spare her and her spouse that.

Maybe I should be the one to write the letter and there would be no future contact. We are moving and she doesn't even know where we are going.

How's this?

Since it haas been two years and we have not had any contact, I thought I would contact you to tell you NOT to contact me in any way from now on."

Ohhh- I'm new at this and by no means an expert, but that sounds like a really bad idea to me. My vote is for no contact at all.

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: Dinah_S ]</small>

It's been 2 years, the girl broke off the relationship, and she was obviously very young. Didn't we all do foolish things when we were young?

That said, I remember when I was getting married. It was exciting and I adored the attention my future husband and I were getting. There were parties and everyone was happy. Friends and relatives were coming in from near and far for the celebration. It was "our" time.

Now, your husband wants to interrupt these festivities by bringing up the past. Don't you think this will put a damper on everything? The bride will be distracted and of course the groom will want to know why. The whole idea stinks and smacks of selfishness. I think this girl's wedding is far more important that your husband's need to get this off his chest.

I understand your husband's need to apologize and if he feels the need to put it on paper, go ahead...just burn the letter afterward. He has no right to do this to this girl.

Birdmom,
I totally agree w/ Chris on this - the letter would serve no purpose. It sounds as if you are hurt SHE chose to end the relationship, and not your H. Perhaps you wonder what the outcome would have been had she not ended it. Let it go. If you or H feel you must write a letter for some personal closure, do so - then burn it. Good luck to you. tew

I think it is a terrible idea. She was his partner in crime. They are equally guilty of adultery and he owes her NO apology or explanation. He owes that to the people he HARMED, namely you and your kids. She volunteered for an adulterous relationship, you didn't volunteer to be her victim.

Having contact again with the OW, once you have been in recovery, only CRUELLY puts the BS back to DAY 1. Tell him he needs to place *YOU*, his WIFE, first and stop proposing new ways to hurt you. He shouldn's sacrifice your feelings to assuage his feelings of guilt. Tell him to knock it off.

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

He asked her to sin. She said yes. He is not responsible for her response, but he is responsible for asking and giving her the opportunity. Jesus states in Mathhew 18:6: "But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." So, I think it is a pretty serious matter. I confess to being unsure about whether he should apologize to her or not, for many of the good reasons mentioned. I would argue it could have the beneficial effect of emphasizing to her just how hurtful and destructive an affair is, in hopes she will avoid one herself.

My wife's first sexual partner was a married man, who claims to be a Christian. If he had apologized to her, I think it would have had a positive effect on our sex life and our marriage. But, I'll never know for sure.