I posted yesterday, but wan't sure how to tell the story. I am 40 and the WS. My H and I have been together for almost 11 years. Much of our M has been a struggle.

I am a yeller and confronter...he avoids conflict...we both avoided intimacy, but like sex...although H always doubted abilities...(that was all his stufff...beleive me he DOES satisfy). Trouble started right after we married and we managed to stuff most of it and work through some of the blatant problems...mostly as they related to me and my yelling....however, in retrospect, much lurked in the depths. My H is a good person, a little lost, sometimes. He is smart. He also has a dark side which remains hidden to all but me. He falls into black moods and can not communicate anything except that he is depressed.

My "dark side" is visible to all....I confront. I am a recovering alcholic (recovered b/4 marriage), but alchohol has played a very serious role in our marriage.

I can not say if my H is an alcholic, but he abuses alchohol. We made many bargains about his drinking and driving to the point of "if this happens again, I will have to leave"...it did, but I didn't. The drinking and driving stopped, but the drinking kept up and got worse...some nights he was not home until I fell asleep and I would wake up, he would be in living room dead drunk and passed out....other nights, he just drank and passed out early in the evening. I tell all this as background, NOT as justification. I can tell you all that I was desperately lonely, angry and afraid. I was NOT going to AA and almost drank. I was not going to church and was not in counseling.

Of course there is more...there are no children, but not for lack of trying. H was gone much of this time and when news came of inability to have kids...we never talked.

Ultimately, I made the worst choice I could make...I had an A. It lasted about 5 months, all the while, I was getting sicker and sicker. I started going to counseling, although I did not have good counselor. Ultimately, I ended the PA and EA. There was/is no doubt in my mind that I was wrong and have probably ruined any hope of happiness in the M.

At the time, I did not think my H knew. He moved out of our home about 2 months after A ended...he is still gone. It was on the heels of another drinking episode and I did not handle it well. I was angry. I guess I thought that I wanted so much for the M to work still and here he was drinking still...as always...wouldn't it ever stop?

I still don't know whether he knows....but a week or so again, he started talking about it. Now I know that I have to tell and am going to do that now. I know I have to, I know I am supposed to.

I think my M will be over as I do not think he will be able to work through this. I am going to follow suggestions of book(s) and tell the truth simply and directly and avoid placating. I will also tell him that I want M to work and will do whatever it takes...this is not out of guilt (B/c if that was the case, then chances would be nil for real recovery), but out of love. I know there are those of you who probably don't beleive that a WS can really have regret and remorse and want to restore a marriage, but I do...oh I do so much.

Anyway, I hope I will hear from some of you. My heart is breaking with all this. I am so sad to be hurting my H, and I know this will crush him, as it is crushing me.

I have never asked for help in my life, until now. Now, I have told a couple of women who say they love me, I have come here, I have gone to my priest and am with a good counselor. We will be with the counselor today when I tell him. Hope you all are here when I get back.

Alex, you are a brave, good woman who is doing the right thing. It takes enormous character to do what you are doing and I wish you the best. It won't be easy, but it will be right.

Take care dear...I now its hard to do what you have done so far. It has to be. But what you are doing is the right thing.

We are here for you and your H. You are NOT alone.

Hi Alex. I am glad you found this forum for support. I am a former WW, currently 2 yrs. into recovery. The people here will not judge you from what you have done, but what you are doing. They have seen other WS's come for good and know it is possible, unfortunately it's not that often. Know you will not be stoned here, and you will in deed find great strength and support through the people here.

Wow, a lot of what you have written sounds so familiar. No drinking involved, but definately the part about me yelling him avoiding conflict, him shutting down, etc. I never thought that once my affair came out in the open that there was any way possible my husband would still want to be married to me. Know what - he's even proud to still be married to me. It is possible.

I'm so glad you have a good counselor now, it will make a lot of difference. Know that in telling your WH of your A, it will not be easy, it will not be quiet, and it will be a very rough start; however, it's just that, a start. On my D-day we yelled and screamed a lot. My DH was gonna walk out that moment. My mom had come to pick up our DS and I asked her to talk to him as I knew he wasn't listening to me. She asked him to stay and talk to me. He did, and 2 yrs. later we have come a very long way. I think it helps to have a 3rd party there to help the BS in a situation like this sit down and agree to hear things out and decide from there. It's hard for them to do that, they want to run from the pain, and I don't blame them - I would too.

Open and honest responses about the A are hard to do, but they are a must. It doesn't all have to come out right at the same time though. Baby steps!

As for your counseling. . . You need to address your yelling as well. Your counselor can help you learn how to communicate better, listen better, understand and hear better, which will help you to talk more than yell. Do you think your BH is willing to seek counseling? He needs to address his drinking issues. He's running from something, and that will only hinder your progress in your marriage.

Unfortunately the two of you have way more than the A to deal with right now. Address each issue on it's own. Work together to overcome as a team. Listen, and always always try to understand how he could feel a certain way, even if you don't agree, understand how it could be possible.

I'm willing to bet that your BH has a very good idea of your A. However, I am very proud of you that you are so open to tell him and begin healing. Know that it is a very long hard road that you have ahead of you, but it is well worth it in the end. There will be many, many ups and downs, and many times you feel that it's not gonna work, that he's gonna just give up - don't give up on him. He's gonna be going through a lot. Be patient, understanding, and patient some more. Know you will and should answer for everything you do, every place you are, etc. In time, that will ease up, but for now, offer the info. to ease his mind.

Oh, I'm sure there is so much more I can tell you about the journey you are about to embark on, but then you would have a novel to read. If you want to, though, in my signature block is a "My Story". It will take you to a link that has separate links to various stages in my own road to recovery. I hope it helps.

Know that the people here are wonderful. You will gain so much here. We are here for you. All my best. Take care and good luck.

Dar All,

Well, I managed to do it. I told my H simply and directly about the A. I followed the guidelines I had read about not to placate or plead, but I did tell him directly that I loved him and that I did not want a D.

At first, he did not really react other than to say that he kind of thought he knew. We were in the MC office at the time. I said he thought he had already forgiven me and I did say that according to all the reading I had done, it was too early. The MC made it a point to say that it was important that we not cease communications, not matter the feelings that were expressed. We agreed to meet later for coffee, but his work interfered. Then we set lunch for the next day...but in the morning he called to tell me that he was too angry to talk. I know it is normal. My heart is breaking with the sadness and hurt I have caused him. I am trying to leave him alone right now and let him sort through things. He is a thinker and a runner and it may be that he just runs away...I am so sad, but what did I expect.