I'm so confused. I have opinions coming at me from everywhere. Some say that once a cheater, always a cheater. Others say we should try to work it out since he is very willing and seems completely sincere in his remorse.

I just don't know. Do I just file for divorce and make a new life for daughter and I? I am so scared of not finding anybody who will do all the nice things that my husband did for me. Despite what he has done, he always treated me extremely well. He made me feel like a queen. He never ever raised his voice to me, never complained about anything I did, we never had fights, he never called me a name or put me down... This would all be so much easier if he was a cheater AND a real son of a batch. But he's not. That's why this whole affairs thing came as such a hearthbreaking surprise to me. I have never felt him withdraw from me. We have always been close and love spending time with each other. So what made him cheat? I don't understand it. Maybe there's something else I need to be reading. I need answers and more insight into all of this. Very confused...

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: Pepsimama ]</small>

Pepsi,

I too had a very hard time with "Why did my Husband do this to us" He was not much help in me finding an answer. But I did, a while ago I found a thread over on the recovery board that really helped for me to understand, it is a very longgggggggggggggggggg read but so well worth it, I hope that you will take the time to read it!

You really need to read all of the concepts here and read about plan A and B. In your reading you will see that your husband cannot just say that he is remorseful for his actions, he needs to show you that he is remorseful HE needs to rebuild your trust in him. Some how you were not meeting his needs nor he yours, that's the sad part here in most of these situations we learned about meeting each others needs after the fact. You have an awesome opportunity here to read and learn with your spouse and to rebuild your marriage, it will take alot of work and a lot of time it does not come over night. Is it worth it? Only you have the answer to that question. Don't think about the financial aspects of is it worth it, think only of the emotional, spiritual aspects of is it worth it.

Please go read the thread, I think it will help you to understand the "How did this happen"

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010537

Thanks Dawn.
That thread was really good.
Now if I can only get my WS to come here and read a bit past the first page. He swears that he's going to when he gets a chance.

Anyhow, he got in on an emergency consult with Mental Health on Thursday and got an immediate meeting with a counsellor who specializes in sexual addictions. His counsellor called me and I'm going to meet him tomorrow.

Now, I never ever would have thought that my husband has a sexual addiction but that's what his counsellor says he has. It's not like he obsessed about sex or wanted it all the time, but maybe there are things he hasn't told me. I mean, can three porno tapes make one a sex addict? I dunno...

I'm glad though that he's going for counselling. We spoke a lot this weekend and things are better. My greatest EN is for communication and honesty. I want my WS to open up to me and he's still having a very hard time talking to me about how he feels. He admitted to me about the sexual abuse he went through as a child. Just some downright rotten stuff. It makes me feel badly that he went through that but I really don't know what to do with the information. It's as if he wants to be babied and have someone hold him and go "there, there...". But that's just not me I'm afraid.

So I guess my next step is this meeting tomorrow. Looking forward to hearing what this guy has to say...

Continue to ask him what made him cheat. It's important for you to have that answer before you can save this marriage.

I have recently admitted to having an affair on my husband. The one question that he continues to struggle with is "why did I do it?" You may never get the answer YOU want, but you will get an answer that you will have to choose to live with or not. He was more than likely looking for something you were not giving him, so ask him what that is, so that you can work on giving it to him.

Don't give up!

Pepsi,

I am glad that your WH seeked counseling, that is a very good first step.

Knowing what your EN's are is good, do you know your WH? Will talk about them with you?

If it is not you to go "there, there everything is going to be ok" then don't do it. Ask the counselor how it is you should handle this.

Don't push to hard on getting your WH here to this site yet, you read and learn first for yourself, then share that knowledge with your WH.

God's blessings tomorrow with the counselor!!! Come let us know how things go!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />