(Zoey emailed me and asked me to post this message to you all.)

Hello Friends at MB,

You all know where I am currently. Things are hot, hostile and very unstable. Doing the best we can everyday. They say the war is over but I find that hard to believe when it appears to be more dangerous now than during the war. In any event we continue to move on and do our job. The teamwork here is great. We are tired and burnt out but we do the best we can everyday. Taking care of our own is the best and toughest job in the world.

I don't have access to MB so I have asked my friend Jen to post this for me. I often wonder about many of you every now and then. Wonder how far some of you have come in your recovery and hope for the best for each of you. Recovery is not a joke. It's not something that happens overnight. It's long, hard painful, happy, hopeful, devestating and faces you to force yourself to accept responsibility for your actions, good or bad, no matter who you are, the WS or BS. In my case, as you all know, I'm the WS. We have had a long road which many of you are aware of. Zach and I have gone up and down the hill more times than I can count during recovery but the one thing I truly believed that saved us is, well a few things. One, from the D-Day forward. I never once strayed from any thing I ever said I would do. I made no promises. Promises are very stressful for both parties but I always said I would do the very best I could do and I meant that with all my heart. Every since D-Day, I stood my ground in terms of making it my mission to show Zach that I accepted responsibilty for my actions, and that I was being accountable for them and that I would show him just how serious I was about saving this marriage. Sure, there were many times I'd scream and cry alone, cry to the MB board of friends I had because I was so close to saying "FORGET IT" but I stayed strong and knew that every move I made and every word I said was going to be watched by Zach. He was the BS and he was going to be watching with better than 20/20 vision and with good cause. I had to earn his trust back. The only way you do that is to mean what you say and say what you mean and no wishy washy behavior is tolerated! Everytime you give your BS the smallest reason to question you, you are NOT doing what you should be doing as a FWS. Is it hard? Yep, you better believe it's hard. You have to walk a fine line like it was the coolest thing ever to do. That is just reality folks. You messed up, now you have to fix it. Sure there are things the BS has to fix too however and they will once the shock lets up of being betrayed. The shock and pain of being betrayed...well there are no words for what it does to a person. I watched what it did to Zach. It was not pretty.

However, regardless how hard it was, regardless how many times I had things thrown in my face, was screamed at, cussed at, treated poorly for what I did, I stood there and took it. I showed Zach that I was not playing a game and that I was there to fix what was broken. Yes, this meant Zach kept tabs on me nonstop. In the early days of recovery, I could not go to the bathroom without him knowing why and for how long, yep...Every single thing I did and said was watched. It was tough but you know what, It was okay, I had NOTHING TO HIDE. There are a few people on MB, if they are still around, that know what I went through, know that I was just about done at one point but stuck it out and I'm glad I did.

Out of nowhere the tides shifted and things started to slowly come around. Zach broke down one night while out of town and let everything out that was making him so angry about what happened. From that point on, REAL recovery began. Then the deployment came for us but it's been okay. I have seen him twice, which is tough but we manage to keep in touch on email when we both have access and a few letters we are able to get back an forth. I hope to see him again soon and we hope to go home soon.

I just want to say whoever is out there stuck in a bad place. Get UN-stuck fast. You will not recover from anything until you face yourself and your actions. There is no easy way to do it. I think most recoveries fail because people quit so easy. They give up. They are not willing to be "uncomfortable" for awhile. It's very hard and uncomfortable to be in recovery. It takes ADULTS to be able to recover. For any WS's out there. If you slip up after you say that you won't, you may as well forget it. Your BS already doesn't trust you, what makes you think little slip ups will be overlooked? I was a little frustrated on MB seeing people claim to be in recovery but still having contact with the OP. I also didn't like seeing people being jumped on by bible thumpers. I pray and I believe in prayer. I believe in God. I'm a good christian person. I don't feel however that God meant for anyone to live in misery. I don't believe in being a martyr, you are only cutting your life short if you do so. Life is short as it is. Believe me on that one. I see death all the time. The whole thing about divorce being a sin, well you know what I say "PHOOEY". My friends, we recovered and still are in it because of extremely hard work between two people but if you are trying and trying and trying and it gets you nowhere after a few years, it's time to go. If you feel in your heart of hearts you cannot forgive nor be happy, it's time to go. Why in the world live in misery. I almost did that, left, because I tried and tried and could not take much more but I hung in there a little longer and it worked but that is not to say that will work for everyone. There are some marriages that simply were never meant to be, never meant to work. We are human beings folks. God knows that. It is insane to be in a marriage where there is NO trust and NO hope after lots of trying. Why should you lose your self respect and honor? I always felt bad when someone came out holding a bible over someone's head. You are NOT going to hell if your marriage doesn't work after years of trying. You are NOT going to hell because you choose to salvage your sanity and dignity over misery. Sorry folks, I will never believe that, if that is true, I'm sure the waiting list in Hell is 10 miles long. :-)

Another thing for WS and this applies to BS's too. Don't be whiney and carry on like a child in recovery or you will get nowhere. If you need to cry, it's okay once and awhile to show that but try to buck up because the one thing that is totally unattractive in a recovery of any sorts is a needy, whiney, histrionic person. That is annoying and exhausts you. To be respected by your BS, you must be strong, stand your ground, be stable and keep working. What worked for us may not work for you but I feel if you apply the basics here, you too can save your marrige. The basics are.

1. Get real and get real fast
2. Face your self and be accountable. Stop blaming others for your actions
3. Say what you mean and mean what you say
4. If you have been given a chance by your BS, take it and make the most of it.
5. Little white lies turn into big ugly ones that will surely ruin your marriage
6. Don't lose your self respect and honor in recovery. You are still a human being. You made a mistake, now work to never repeat that mistake again
7. Forgive yourself and love your self. If you cannot look in the mirror and say "I love that face I see" then you cannot love anyone else. Plain and Simple.
8. WS's. If you have been caught, or came clean about your EA or PA or whatever. COME CLEAN and get it ALL out. Do not hold anything back. Details found out at a later date that seem small to you are not small to a BS. Just get it out and deal with it. What's done is done.
9. Don't cop an attitude if you are being checked on. You put yourself in this place, deal with it.
10. Be true to yourself. Until you do to that, you can never be true to anyone

Just a few thoughts. Remember folks, it's very easy to lose yourself in recovery. I did. I had to really work hard to find my little ole self again and make sure that I was not letting recovery eat me up to the point I forgot who I was and what I needed.

I took a lot from Zach in recovery however I had to remember that I also hurt Zach a lot. It got very ugly at times but in order to show him I was serious, I had to stick out the good and the bad. Just don't let it get to the point where it's making you live in misery. That is not good for recovery. Recovery wore me out for awhile. I didn't like myself for a long long time, once I started to forgive myself and make friends with myself, it started to get better.

Now it seems we are stronger together than we ever thought was possible. It's amazing. We still have things we are working on but it's almost like this love we have is better, deeper and well, I can't describe it. I think we came so close to losing each other and realized what that would be like and therefore we MADE it work. The key was Zach finally met me half way. I finally gained back some trust with him. It took a long time but I never once went back on ANYTHING I said to him. He has full access to everything about me and I never left ANYTHING in his mind to be questioned. Not one single thing.

Life is short my friends. Shorter than you can ever imagine. Make the best of your life. If it means with your spouse, great, if it means you tried all you could do and it failed, move on and take care of you. You are a valuable person. WS's are not DOGS! They are humans that made a mistake, much as the BS hates to hear that, it's true. The issue is, whether they truly made a mistake and are sorry and do their best to show you that or they are in some dream world where they are sorry but keep giving you reasons to doubt. If it is the latter and it goes on too long, time to move along. Salvage your self respect and honor and live your life to the fullest.

It's a strange point I have reached in my life. One I never thought I'd get too. My road was long and hard but I never strayed off the path I set for myself and in the end my marriage was saved, my self respect and honor are present and more. I owe a big thanks to many people at MB that helped me through some dark times. THANK YOU.

Note about MB. There are good people out there and not so good. When you come to the board, hysterical, needing help, you will get it but take only what applies to you, ditch the rest, don't get caught up in every little word of advice you get. You are hearing from lots of people from lots of places that think how they want to think. You do what is BEST for you and your other half. Only you know what is best. Don't let what someone tells you to do dictate your marriage. Just take what applies and use it in a positive manner.

Time is up. I had a little extra time today but I must go. Duty calls. I'm going to try to get a few hours sleep which is rare here. Hope all is well out there. Hang in there. You can recover but don't fool yourself into thinking it comes easy. Nothing good ever comes easy.

Zoey

(Don't forget that the sig line stuff below is NOT Zoey's, but Jen's!)

Thanks Jen, I was beginning to thing that Zoey and her H had taken a cruise thru the Bermuda triangle. It's good to know that, despite that dangerous part of the world they're at this moment, they are doing great as a couple.

Points all well taken Zoey!!!!

Hey Jen how are you doing?

Thank you Jen for posting this on Zoey's behalf. I've been wondering about her lately and how she and Zach have been doing.

Her points have come at a wonderful time for me as I have come to a slowing point in my recovery. I'm sure (hopeful) that it's a slump, and one that I need to critically address from every angle. Let's just say that I'm trying to hold strong to all the work I've done over the last year in making my recovery a success.

If you hear from Zoey again, please give her my best.

I'll pass on notes and hellos from whoever wants to post on this thread the next time I email Zoey, although there's no telling how often she can get to her email.

s_d: How am I? Lonely, sad, frustrated with continued limbo, and at a loss for what to do with all the hours in the day during vacation. I want my H back so bad the desperation frightens me. But he still wants more time away from me to get over his father's death and to decide what he wants (to be married or to divorce). So here I sit in limbo, trying to fill the hours in my days. Next week I'll finally be taking off on a trip to visit a friend though, so I have something to look forward to at least.

I agree with you JobieMom, her points do come at an appropriate time for me too.

Jen

Jen then I take it the divorce is on hold?

Did he ask you to stop the divorce? If so that is a good sign...if not then why are you still in limbo.

I am very sincere in saying you two can always remarry. In some respect divorcing then remarrying may give him the clean slate that reconcilation wouldn't.

By that his newest marriage would be untainted by the affair and all the negative fallout it created including actions he himself feels guilty over (though he will probably not admit that thinking ALL of it is your fault directly or indirectly).

In otherwords in a bizarre way a fresh start for the both of you.

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 05:23 AM: Message edited by: stunned-dad ]</small>

Zoey just emailed me again. Wow she's had computer access a couple days in a row! She won't have access again for probably about a week she said. She wanted me to add this to her message:

P.S. Remember, the darkest hour comes before the dawn...

s_d: Yes the divorce process is on hold, I stopped it. The letter from my lawyer about the Dv proceedings hit my H like a ton of bricks. He wasn't expecting them. My H didn't exactly ask for me to stop it, but when I suggested I do so, he was in agreement, since he thought he'd just started "trying" when the letter from my lawyer arrived. However, the divorce proceedings were stopped with the understanding from him that he still hadn't made a choice, and needed more time now since I'd betrayed him and been dishonest with him again (by filing the Dv papers w/o telling him and pressing for more $ in them than he and I had originally agreed to) and it was like we were back at square one. I don't know. He is still on about how he has to get over his father's death before he can even begin to deal with us. This week, in the middle of sobbing and crying about missing his dad, he admitted that he doesn't even care how I feel. I'm not very optimistic. But I'm trying to have some more patience so I feel like I've tried everything before I give up on a man I still love for some reason (it sure has nothing to do with how he treats me now, although it is an improvement over how he treated me months back).

Again, if you would like me to put a quick hello or even a couple sentences from you in my next email to Zoey, let me know.

Jen

Just to let you konw, I just emailed some copied and pasted hellos from everyone who posted to Zoey on this thread.

Jen