OW phoned me last night. She wants to speak to me about co-parenting of children. First contact again from her after 1,1/2 years. I am in bed with bronchitis so this call caught me unawares.

I listened to her "fog" talk and without uttering one word I switch off my phone.

My children is currently with WH and his OW it is his turn to have them for the school holidays. They are so unhappy. Unfortunately I don't have the money to fetch them by air as they live a 1000 miles from me.

I was so angry after the phone call I felt like smashing my house. I took off from work because I was sick and during the day I had to take calls from DD's school - he never paid school fees for two months. So many bills is in arrears due to non-payment and yet him and OW is living a life of luxury.

How do I handle this controlling OW. For the past year and a half I have just ignored her and do not expend any energy obsessing about her. To me she is a woman of no value. She is not part of me neither my children and even if WH marries her that is his life and will not be part of our lives.

It is so sad to see a CEO of a major corp who makes big decisions but yet he is utterly spineless when it comes to his own life and that of his children to make decisions. I think the only thing OW don' have control over is his bowel movements. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

For now i am not responding to the phone call, after two years they are still so deep in the fog...............I see some fog lifting from other WH on this board but my WH is in complete denial.

Thanks for reading

Help................It is not enough that Ow phoned me last night now today WH phones me.

Why, did I not discuss the facts of life with my 11yo daughter yet. Why, did she do so bad at school. Why, is she so overweight. Why, is she aware of my financial situation. Why, Why, Why.

I am discussing the facts of life with her but just as much as she can take. This is a slow process which can not be done in one session. She did not even start her menstrual cycle yet.

Is having no money and telling your kids that we can no longer afford things involving them in your financial situation. If there is no money there is no money. I have gone from living a upper middle class life to counting every cent that I spend and also not knowing whether I will have a roof over my head in two mnths time.

Yes, I am helping my daughter with her weight problem. I am making her aware that she cannot find a replacement in food for the loss of her father.

As for her school work, she has regressed, it is a battle for me as a single and working mum to keep my head above the water. I have gone from having an au pair to putting my girls in day care. WS refused to share these expenses.

My girls day starts at 6.00am and ends at 6.00pm when I collect them at day care after work. 6.30 is bath time, 7.00p.m we eat, 7.15 we sit down with school work. 8.30- 9.00pm is bed time. Then starts the preparation for the next day.

It took so much composure of me not to go off with some very rude expletives but now I am crying, crying for this man does not see how because of his abandonment our lives have changed.

When does all this stopppppppppppppppppppp.

What did she want? What did she say?

Yes, and when is this CEO going to start paying for what his children need? And why is he not paying enough right now? What do you have to do to make sure you get what you deserve?

You do not have to stand for being treated like this - there is no way this man should be behind on the payment of school fees, or that you should have to worry about whether or not you have a roof over your head in two months time. You need to get some sound legal advice to get this situation sorted out! If you have given up on the marriage, and it sounds like you have, then is there anything that is stopping you from pursuing him through the proper channels to get the right level of support for you and your children - you deserve this.

I think you did the right thing to hang up on OW - discussions about parenting should be between the parents of the children concerned regardless of whether or not they are separated. I know you felt like screaming at him, but were you able to reply to his questions reasonably, without it getting acrimonious? How did the conversation end? It sounds like he is implying that you are a bad mother - so what's up with that? What motive could he have for that? Again, I urge you to get legal advice to protect yourself - if you are separated and heading for divorce, all kinds of things could happen - try to think ahead and prepare yourself. If he is a CEO, does that mean he has the money to hire a good lawyer? What about you? How can you get the representation you need? It needs to be thought about - it sounds like you are getting screwed, and its unfair.

LIR

P.S. You said that you managed to retain your composure on the phone, although it was so very hard - that's excellent - if there is any danger that he will attack your parenting skills in court, it is imperative that you control your temper when speaking to him, as he could use any angry outbursts by you as evidence of instability. Please be careful.

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 07:44 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Ummm this ow, if things continue will be in your childrens life.Sad but true. But ws should be stepping up to the plate and working out all details that involve children with you. Keep your cool, dont lower to her level. As for all his questions does he know his daughter? Sounds to me you are taking the time to feed her what info she needs as she can handle not all girls handle and/or ready at the same time. GEEZ...MOney???
If he has it he should be sharing it. He made em he can pay for em..Sorry that sounds so rude but my dad didnt pay for me or my sister and my mom never pushed and it ticked me off. See a lawyer, get the help you need, therapy for you and the girls isnt such a bad idea. He needs to be involved in their therapy he needs to see what the results are for his fun time. Im not talking using them to hurt him never kids are top priority but for all actions there is a reaction.; For every soul must be held accountable for their own

Ginny,

I have the same types of issues with both my ex-h and with my husband’s ex-wife.

My ex-h treats me the way your husband did in this.

My h’s ex-wife treats me like you are treating the OW (I’m now.. she left him for her OM). She refuses to deal with me even through I have been the children’s major caregiver since 2000.

The way I handle my ex is that I communicate via email as much as possible. I will not discuss anything in person or on the phone because it always ends with him yelling at me. I will not tolerate such thing. If you do not answer the questions then you will become part of the problem… remember that you are co-parenting with him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why, did I not discuss the facts of life with my 11yo daughter yet. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A suggested response: I am discussing the facts of life with her but just as much as she can take. This is a slow process, which cannot be done in one session. Usually it’s a good idea for a girl to understand the facts by the time she starts her menstrual cycle. That is a reasonable goal. It is also discussed and taught in school. I think that it’s wonderful that you are also helping her learn these things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why, did she do so bad at school. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A

suggested response: Her life has been such turmoil with the emotional upheaval in our home. It is rather normal for a child to do poorly in school when their family falls apart. Children are very badly affected by things their parents go through. For this reason it is essential that from here on out we provide her with as much stability and love as possible.

There have been many changes in her life that are negatively affecting her. Her family has broked apart. Her father is not here for her as often as she is used to. Her normal day as become much harder. She is not at day care and school from 6 am to 6 pm daily. She is not used to this and is having a hard time adjusting. By the time we get home and have dinner it is at least 7:30 before she can start on her homework. This is a normal day for a child of a broken home. This is one of the major reasons children from a broken home have a hard time adjusting to their new circumstances. It is real life, over time she will adjust as well as she can.

[qutoe]Why, is she so overweight. [/quote]

A suggested response: I have discussed her weight with her pediatrician. I was told to not put her on a diet. To instead give her a good diet with appropriate proportions and to get her more active. It is not unusual for a child of 11 to put on weight and then grow out of it as they get taller.

(An side… my son did this. I was very worried about his weight between ages 11 – 13. Now that he is 14 he is a tall string bean. Through out his childhood I could always tell when he was about to go into a big growth spirt because he’d cub out first, the stretch up. Unfortunately his father took the … you are fat and need self control approach and has really damaged his relationship with our son on this one.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why, is she aware of my financial situation?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A suggested response: The children are aware of my financial situation because I do not have the money to give them the things they want. I have to tell them no on most of the extras that most children get. Such things are hard to hide in a family that is open and honest with each other. They are learning that it is important to live within the family budget. These are realities of their life now.

(An side. - you say that WS refuses to pay bills, child care etc. It sounds like you do not have a separation or divorce started. I am sure that you hate to do this but you really do need to protect yourself and your children financially. You can get the court to stipulate that he share expenses and provide you with support.)

------
By answering all of my ex’s questions, complain, rantings calmly in email it has helped me educate him on what our son needs and put an end to almost all of this type of ridiculous accusation crap that only serves to make things worse. I think he now hates to do this because he knows he’ll get a long, involved, thoughtful response… not what he wanted.. to yell at me.

It got to the point that instead of accosting me in person or on the phone, my ex would write me email and letters insulting my parenting and raking me over the coals for all sorts of imagines infractions. I responded to each of them. And I kept a folder of print out of all of it. When he tried to say I was a bad parent in court I simply handed the judge the folder. It spoke for itself. It not only included the rantings, but also the usually monthly note showing that he deducted the cost of a stamp every month from child support for mailing the check.. It also showed that anything he purchased for our son.. a hair cut, socks, boxer shorts … were deducted from child support. He ended up getting put in his place by the judge and having to pay me all of the child support he had deducted. I did not have to say a word.

As for the OW, right now she is not really a part of your children’s life because they are not married and she is way out of line trying to play mommy. If they get married, or maybe even now, you and your husband may want to read two books…

Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child

and

Step-By Step-Parenting/a Guide to Successful Living With a Blended Family

The first book will point out what his responsibilities are as a dad of a divorced family, it could be an eye opener for him and the OW.

The second book points out very clearly that the step-mom (in this case the OW) is not a welcome person to the kids. The kids tend to really dislike a step parent. It basically advised them of the thin ice they are walking on. This is especially true when they see the step-parent as breaking up their family. It will point out to her that she has no place making these types of calls to you.

I know that what you are going through is hard. No it will never go away.. I’m sorry to have to tell you that. All you can do is learn to affectively deal with it and help your children through this.

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

MelodyLane
WH is living with his secretary. She have this attitude that she is superior to me because of her race. I have no respect for this women as she gave up custody of her kids to her ex-h for her to pursue her affair with my husband. Now after a year the ex-h has sent their kids back to her and my WH as he most probably realised that WH has money and that being of a different race does not matter. (Her ex-h initially did not want his kids to be cared for by a black man).

She wants me to be part of their life. The three of us must co-parent together. My 11yo D, hates this women. Not because of my doing but the way she was forced on to my DD's and her finding fault with whatever I do. OW is anorexic. She has gone so far as to tell me that I have fed my husband and children the wrong foods. Wh is like a puppet on a chain. OW is obsessed with healthy eating. This is causing my 11yo daughter to develop a complex because after her visits to them she then becomes obsessed with overeating.

She is in therapy at this moment which both of them think is unnessecary as they think my kids are quite well balanced. I am the one working my butt off to ensure that they have stability in their life. It is a vicious cycle. I built up my kids self-esteem and then they go and visit them and come back all broken down again.

LIR
I have exhausted all legal channels. I have taken him to court for c/s which he pays me on a monthly basis. There is also a court order whereby he must pay all the school fees and the mortgage on the house until such time the dv is settled. My atty's fees is killing me. He has changed lawyers twice now and this is stalling the dv proceedings. A date has been set in court for 4th Sept as WH refuses to settle outside of court. We are married in COM and thus he wants everything to be split 50/50. If this is done I will have to find a place to live as we have huge debt incurred by him due to bad financial decisions. My atty is fighting for me to at least keep the house and he pays the mortgage which he is adamant he will not do. At the end of the day I will walk out with nothing and he will be debt free to pursue his lifestyle now which is very luxurious.

Zorweb
I am the custodial parent and kids travels by air to their dad one weekend per month and we split the school holidays 50/50.

He was the type of father who always put the interest of his kids first. WH is well aware of 11yo daughters difficulty at school because he was the one who sat with her at night doing school work. She has regressed at school but she is also slowly making progress again.

I am open to co-parenting with my WH but thus far all e-mails from me requesting this has been ignored. Soon after he left I buried my pride and emotions and invited him to the house to still spend time with my 11yo and her school work but he was being timed by the OW resulting in these sessions becoming very stressfull for my 11yo and eventually it stopped.

He is in contact with my daughters daily via cell phone but not once over the past two years did ask me how they were doing at school or enquire about their well being from me. He ignores me completely.

Thus it took a lot of will power from me today not to lambast him and ask him why now after two years is there a sudden interest in the kids.

11yo and WH always had a very close bond. She is starting to assert herself now and express her feelings about OW and he is not happy with that. So as long as she towed the line she was fine but now that she is starting show some emotions I am being made out to be the one who is the instigator. I have detached months ago from all this and I believe that his relationship with my kids is up to him. I've stopped enabling him.

I will print your advice and I will respond to him via e-mail as per your suggestions.

What shocked me in the conversation I had with him today was the fact that he has changed so much. He was always the one to believe that children should stay children for as long as possible but after speaking to him today it seems that he is forcing his immoral values on my dd.

OW is not giving up on wanting to talk to me. Received this message on my cell phone from her -

"Because you are such a coward and not responding to my calls I have decided to send you an email "

My boss also informed me today that a woman has been telephoning my work enquiriing about me. Doctor has booked me off sick for a week as I have bronchitis. First day back at work.

For a year and a half I have been successful in protecting myself from this woman. Changed my cell phone number and email address. Due to WS requiring urgent information from me I had to give him these details.

I have reached breaking point with this woman who think she is so righteous and moral, my first instinct would be to retaliate and really tell her what I think of her but what will I gain by this. To me she is a woman of no value so why do I need to justify my parenting skills and womanwood with a person who is still so deep in the fog.

I am using reverse psycology on her whilst she is lovebusting her butt off with me and most probably WS - I have turned the tables and I am being so nice to WS spouse that i am sure he does not know what the H^*)())ll is going on.

I have broken the pattern. ow harrass me, I explode with WH to stop her and WH and I end up fighting. Now, I am so calm and even joke with him and there is no mention about his WHACKO ow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I would like some advice on this sitch.

It sounds like you are handling the situation great! My first instinct would be to warn her to keep her nose out of business that concerns only myself, my husband and children and that if she continues to harrass me, that I will file harrassment charges with the authorities. And that she has set a pathethic moral example for my children so she would certainly be the last person I would consult about the welfare of my children. Especially someone who has lost custody of her own children. I would just send her an email like that and advice her that she needs to cease the contact.

MelodyLane, I have pressed harrassment charges with the authorities against her soon after D-Day two years ago.

I live in a third world country so the legal system is very slow. Firstly for this charge to be applied she must have three legal warnings against her. Which is valid for a period of six months. I've taken out a first warning against her which has now lapsed as she did not bother me for a year and a half. Only after three warnings will they arrest her. With the first arrest she will only get another warning in court.

A friend of my family was killed a month ago, she also had an interdict against harrassment against her ex boyfriend. She also followed the procedures but yet her ex boyfriend gunned her down in broad day light. He also played the system.

Sometimes, I feel like the legal system is working against me. So as you can read I am very despondent about taking any legal action against OW.

My best defence is just being so nice to WH. I know she hates this as from day one she has been instrumental in trying to break down a very strong bond which existed between WH, myself and kids.

I have just done a 180 degree. I have sent him an email thanking him for buying clothes for the kids and for sending them back from their holiday with him looking so clean and decent.

Normally, he would put them on the plane with the clothes they were playing in during the day and their hair not brushed. OW does not help with the kids. She is only available when they go shopping. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I always send our children to them looking immaculate.

I don't know if the "fog" is lifting a bit but after two years this is the first time that my kids came back to me looking presentable. DD told me that he took them to the hairdresser against the wishes of OW and that he also helped them get dress for the flight back home. The norm is that my 11yo daughter had to see to herself and my 5yo daughter.

I am past the stage of reading everything into a sitch. I was just glad that for the first time he showed some care towards our girls.

Thought:

OW started harrassing me on 2nd anniversary of
D-Day July 01. Can this day also be a trigger for her as she was the one to expose the affair.

My day was spend on reflecting on how much I have grown since D-day. Where I have been, where I am at now and in which direction I want to go. gratitude for all the support I have received during this time from friends and family and also again discovering my true identity which I lost during my years of marriage to WH. WH was my begin all and end all.

Now I am happy being me, and loving me and spoiling me.

Such a far cry from D-day, when I just wanted my husband back, warts and all. Now I know the choice will be mine to take him back or not because I am happy w/wo him.

Let us focus on the positive here! Your WS is finally realizing that HE needs to take care of kids, and has shown you that he is considering the children and taking care of them. And he did take care of them before sending the children home to you.

Continue to ignore ow. ow can say whatever, but you are doing what is good for you and kids. You are doing great!! I see signs of fog lifting. Perhaps momentarily, but hey, you take what you can get sometimes. Praying for the foglift!

Remember, your are worthy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M