Typically, how long after an affair is discovered does it take before a couple in recovery will have sex again?

I've found myself bouncing back and forth between sky high sexual frustration to zero sex drive.

That sounds pretty normal. I think that when recovery starts theres a major honeymoon period, but then when things hit a low it goes back to little to no sex drive. You'll reach a point of healing and then it's all up to whether or not you follow the guidelines of meeting each others needs. The more in love you are, the better chance your drive will be better.

i agree with FUTURE, there is no general answer to this one.
alot of it has to do with all the esteems involved, your esteem, your spouse's esteem and the marital esteem. alot of it depends on the committment level of the married couple. alot of it has to do with the levels of trust and the feelings of safety.
hang in there and be patient.
lol

Remove sex from your thoughts of the A...put it back in YOUR bedroom where it belongs! If you feel at all like being sexual with your FWH, show him that you do. He more than likely feels he has destroyed your ability to love him sexually. Let him know you are still a sexual creature. He can't destroy that part of you, but he did destroy that part of your marriage.

If you at any moment want to have sex with him, tell him that you do and you want to feel safe when you do. He'll ask you how he can make you feel safe...be prepared with an answer.

Do you need him to show more devotion? Explain more what happened to your relationship? Do you need to know if he is bringing you some STD?
Do you need him to say that he wants to make love to you and only you forever? Think long and hard what you need most at that moment .

He may need sex to re-connect with you. (has anyone ever noticed how men are different from women sexually?) Once you have told him that the images of him with another woman are haunting you, drop it. Tell him to replace those images with you and him together. Kick her out of your home.

Sex can be a great way to bring back closeness. It isn't the carrot at the end of the stick. If tonight you hold him and feel that you need him, then enjoy. And then tomorrow night, if you don't and you tell him calmly why...he will know there are needs to be met in your healing.

His feeling safe, like there is hope...this will make a world of difference as you struggle out from under this. Punishing him by shoving back your sexual desire for him won't help. If it ebbs and tides as a result of your ever changing emotions, it will cause him to be attunded to you even more.

I was planting flowers one day in my worst days after discovery. My H was inside...bad day of remorse for him. Things were just so grim and not getting better. I dusted off my knees and went upstairs and laid down beside him. It wasn't that I felt sorry for him...I just needed him. I held him and we made love. Both crying I said "that is how a wife feels".

Now as we climb outta this pit and have fewer rough days and nights...I can constantly rely on our attaction to each other sexually to be a warm break from all the other aspects of recovery.

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: dustkitty ]</small>

OMG .... early recovery sex was some of the biggest *POP*POW*WOW* I've ever experienced!

Rollercoaster all the way too ..... I went from sobbing heart broken butterfly ---> to loud wild sex woman in 6 seconds flat!

It didn't make any sense at the time..... Just go with it. No expectations, no self judgements.

P <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ep

A lot also depends on her sex drive, how is it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>A lot also depends on her sex drive, how is it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh Gulp a Latte man, sex drive is not like eye-color...it is something that is exercised in a person's personality over the course of a marriage. Let it be smothered and she will wake up at square one, never savoring her skills as a wife-lover.

(Footnote to women that think seducing a husband away from his wife is easy...his wife has a degree..4 year, 10 year, 20 year+ degree in making this man fufilled totally...you think that a 20 min. quickie can eclipse that?...Oh word-weavers...we can charm the soul, draw on the past, promise the future all in the safety of hearth and home...give up... nothing is a sexual as a wife-woman making love to her husband .)

If she ( "she" as you ref in your reply) can draw on the maturity of the past in other areas, then why not be an educated sexual being...she dosn't have to become a "born-again" virgin. Males think you have the corner on sex, well if she wants to "body-talk" and for a few moments and savor the love-bank of pure sex with her husband...no flowers, no romance...she is saying clearly that sex belongs to her, too.