My wife cheated on me for 10 months. When I found out, after I kicked her out, I called my dad for advice.

Well, turns out he told my mom what happened. She told my sister who told my other sister who told her boyfriend.

Now what? My W and I are in MC and she has alot of anger about my family knowing. She doesn't ever want to see my family again. And I don't blame her. All the females in my family are very opinionated. She also feels she cannot trust me because I told my family. Ironic, isn't it. She cheats on me, but I can't be trusted.

Anyway, how do we get past this family thing?

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: hope4us ]</small>

I'm not sure there's really anything you can do to get past that. I think it's just something that time heals (as with most everything else).
She'll have to come to the realization, either on her own, or through counseling that the embarassment was brought on herself by her selfish act, not by you seeking wisdom from your father. You did what was best in your situation. The fact that word spread is an unfortunate result.

As far as her not trusting you.....this is probably not the first irony that you'll see in your situation. My wife used those words on me...it seems to be "normal" for WS to do this.

Don't heap the responsibility for this on yourself. You can be sypmathize with her, but don't take the blame for it, because it doesn't belong to you. In time, she should see that she brought it on herself.

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: high_road ]</small>

Grrrr, I hate it when a person won't accept the consequences of their actions...would it have made a difference if one of your sisters saw her out with OM then told the family?

Sounds like she is blaming you for HER guilt. She can't stand to be around your family because she feels too guilty...and that's YOUR fault?

YOU asked your dad for advice.

When this issue comes back up (hopefully during MC) repeat this fact...

"This is the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. I called and asked my dad for advice."

Your wife's anger is actually her shame wearing a mask. Don't argue about her anger. She'll have to work that out for herself. Just repeat (as often as necessary) what you actually did, and your reason for doing it.

P <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ep

Could it be pride and embarrassment from your family knowing??KNowing that they might not be as forgiving as she is???
Mine dooesnt know all details because know my family way to well.lol..but his does and his females were a gret support to me as was his mom and dad..She;ll get over it...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4us:
<strong>My wife cheated on me for 10 months. When I found out, after I kicked her out, I called my dad for advice.

Well, turns out he told my mom what happened. She told my sister who told my other sister who told her boyfriend.

Now what? My W and I are in MC and she has alot of anger about my family knowing. She doesn't ever want to see my family again. And I don't blame her. All the females in my family are very opinionated. She also feels she cannot trust me because I told my family. Ironic, isn't it. She cheats on me, but I can't be trusted.

Anyway, how do we get past this family thing?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You tell her that you have already lost a great deal from her affair and you have no INTENTION OF SACRIFICING YOUR FAMILY BECAUSE OF HER EMBARASSMENT. You have already sacrificed enough, haven't you?

She needs to buck up and face the consequences of her behavior. Surely she doesn't expect you to give up your family because she can't face the consequences?

This is an area where I drew a firm boundary with my spouse. I refused to suffer because he was too cowardly to face the people who loved me and who were rightly UPSET at his shabby treatment of me.

But you know what? They all treated him pretty well, [except one sister who won't allow him in her home] once they saw that he was treating me well. That is all your family wants. To see her treat you decently. Tell her to take it like man!

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4us:
She also feels she cannot trust me because I told my family. Ironic, isn't it. She cheats on me, but I can't be trusted.

QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is nothing untrustworthy about exposing her behavior; thats not a matter of trust. She shouldn't have been doing it if she didn't want it exposed.

I hate to say it, but I really have to wonder if there are not more serious problems here, such as a sense of remorse and committment to repairing the damage she inflicted on your marriage.

How come nobody is mentioning the idea that Harley supposedly says that EVERYBODY should be told about the affair??? Be damned the WS's embarrassment!! It appears this is an essential part of making sure no more contact occurs. I kept my WW's dirty little secret and I think it may have helped her to go back to it so often.

Just a thought.

When you found out about the affair, was it still on going? If it was then MB advises that you, the BS, tell family, friends and even employers of both the WS and the OP to put pressure on the affair to end. Nothing kills an affair faster than the light of day.

You have all the right in the world to get the support you need. Your wife having an affair is one of the most painful things you will ever go through. You are not obligated to keep her secret.

Owning up to her affair in the community is large part of your wife’s recovery.

If the OM (other man) if married, does his wife know? She really does need to know.

I think that what you do about your family is that you, probably alone, have a talk with them. Explain that you and your wife are working on rebuilding your marriage. IF they tell you that you should leave her, tell them that affairs occur in 60% of all marriages and that 98% of all marriages in which an affair occurs recover from the affair. It is usually not the end of the marriage. But it is a very hard time for the couple. Then tell them that you want them to support you in your effort to rebuild your marriage. If you have children remind them that at broken home will not help your children. Nor will a divided extended family. You, your wife and your children need them right now.

If they object then remind them that in the Bible it says that a man is to leave his mother and cleave to his wife. This means that you must put your wife ahead of all others.

If your wife can, it would be wonderful if she apologized to them for what she did to you. They love you and hurting you hurts them.

I would also give them a copy of “Surviving an Affair”, “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. As them to read them if they would so that they understand where you are going and that a healthy recovery it more then possible.

Then if after all of that a family member gets nasty to your wife, end all contact with them until their attitude can change to one that is conducive to your building a healthy marriage.

Family can help or they can hurt. I’ve got people on both sides of that in my family. I avoid the ones who do the hurting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>
I hate to say it, but I really have to wonder if there are not more serious problems here, such as a sense of remorse and committment to repairing the damage she inflicted on your marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wonder these things as well. That is why I am still very undecided about staying with her or leaving her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Zorweb:
<strong>When you found out about the affair, was it still on going? …

If the OM (other man) if married, does his wife know? She really does need to know.

Then if after all of that a family member gets nasty to your wife, end all contact with them until their attitude can change to one that is conducive to your building a healthy marriage.

Family can help or they can hurt. I’ve got people on both sides of that in my family. I avoid the ones who do the hurting.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The affair was effectively over by D-day. Yes, the OM’s wife knows. I regret all my family knowing because some of them are making it more difficult for me/us. I’m not talking to those members right now.

Do not shut your family members out because of your WIFES MISTAKE! She has to own up to what she has done and take responsibility for it. Your families reactions are NORMAL! They hurt when someone they love has been hurt. They react when someone they love has had hurtful actions put upon them. When it happened to my sister, I hated her husband for what he had down. I had no words for him. But I realized as all family members do, if my sister took him back and forgave him then that is what I must do to. She is the one that has to sleep with him every night not me. Give your family some time and explain that you have made the choice to save your marriage and you want their love not judgements right now. For your wife being upset for your family being hurt and angry is SELFISHNESS showing itself on HER PART. People who cheat hate to take responsibility for their actions and run from it. If she is truly sorry and wants to work on this marriage then she will realize that CHEATING hurts ENTIRE FAMILIES not just the spouse and understand that you needed LOVED ONES at a horrible time when the cause of your pain was the person that you couldn't turn to, HER! If she is making you feel guilty for reaching out to your family then you need to think about how emotionally ready she is to HELP YOU move forward. It seems she is still only concerned with SELF not you or anyone else. JMO

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4us:
[ I regret all my family knowing because some of them are making it more difficult for me/us. I’m not talking to those members right now.[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hope, probably the best thing for her to do is to approach those members and apologize to them. She needs to assure them that she has your best interest at heart now and will not harm you anymore. That is why they are mad. They love you and don't want to see you destroyed. She has hurt them also and needs to make an apology. Please don't punish them twice by cutting off contact. Make her face them.

I would hope that your family would be support for you-unconditional love! I'm not sure of your whold situation, but with my situation, I'm the one that had the affair on my husband. It was very short-lived, but the fact that I slept with this man and continued to talk with him via e-mail and phone, makes it worse. Anyway, I felt the need to let my whole family know, including his. Your healing process cannot begin until that is done. Chances are, your family knew something was wrong to begin with, as did hers. My family was and is very disappointed in my acts, but have been very supportive and there for me at all costs. My husbands family has been the same way. Our marriage had had problems long before the affair, but that still doesn't make it right. Your wife needs to understand that you need support from people that love you to help you through this difficult time. If you feel as humiliated as my husband, I feel for you. It's worse than dealing with death. I hate seeing him hurt as much as he is. We all handle crisis differently, so do what you feel will help you move on, either with her or without, but she should agree to do whatever she can to help you, otherwise it won't work. Time heals!

soccer7
EA-5wks
PA-one time
married 10 yrs
2 children- 5 and 8

Good luck to you!

"This is the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. I called and asked my dad for advice."

Well the most painfull thing I ever asked my dad for advice on was what to do when "it" gets caught in your zipper....I was 10 at the time and I wasn't asking I was screaming at the top of my lungs....one octive higher if memory serves me correctly~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I agree with the posters here in that you have the absolute right to have support from your family during one of the most difficult points in your life.

When my WH first confessed, he asked me not to tell my family. Well, the cat's out of the bag. I did and we're suriving still lol. They've actually been pretty objective.

Perhaps, you should print off Dr. Harley's advise to get the A out in the open? And also explain to her that you're a lot of pain, and if you don't talk to someone besides her, then you're going to end up putting extra pressure on her.

I also agree with everyone else in that she doesn't want to have to face the music for her misdeed. My WH doesn't want to talk about it either and he certainly doesn't want it to be spread around like the latest headline of our life. Well, sorry, but I think we BS's need a support system. We need a shoulder to cry on from someone who loves us and hasn't recently wounded us emotionally.

It amazes me that a WS has the nerve to complain about something that might offend them so soon after they've so deeply and carelessly hurt you. How their world, their fog, is still so fully surrounding them, that they can't even begin to understand that the world doesn't completely encompass THEM.

lol Resist the urge to tell her to tell her to "shut up and get over it" as it's probably a major LB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I feel if she is embarrassed, humiliated or uncomfortable around my family, that’s her problem. If she doesn’t want to feel that way, she shouldn’t have cheated.

However, I find it hard to talk to my family because I feel betrayed by them as well. I confided in my dad and he told my mother even though I told him not to. She then told my youngest sister who then told my other sister who told her boyfriend. They are all trying to give me advice which often conflicts with each other’s advice. That doesn’t help me at all. They are mostly supportive, but my mother keeps pushing me to make a decision. She won’t say, but I know she wants me to divorce. That’s not helping me either.

So now I feel completely alone. I can’t trust anyone.

hope,

I don't think your dad betrayed you at all. It was not fair of you to ask him to not tell your mother. He didn't tell her for the purpose of gossip, but because he cared. This issue effects BOTH your parents, so its good that she found out. They are just acting like any family would when they find out someone they love is being harmed. Don't take this out on them.

I imagine your mother DOES want you to get a divorce. I sure wouldn't want to see my son treated so shabbily. I would try to be a little more understanding with her. She is also one of your wife's victims.

This all comes back and rests on your wife's shoulders. Just look at all the destruction she has wrought in your life. I would only reassert that she needs to start taking responsibility for the problems and address your family in order to apologize and reassure them she has your best interest at heart.

You know, the same thing happened to me. I told my dad and asked him not to tell my mother. Well, I had recently had an argument with my mother and was having a period of time where I just didn't want to speak with her for a bit. Nothing like, permanently damaging. Anyways, she and my father went on vacation and I guess he told her while they were away.

The poster before me is right in that we really shouldn't have put the pressure our dads to keep a secret for us. It's not fair to their marriage either. You're their child, they both love you, and they are only giving you advice because they want the absolute best for their baby.

I can clearly understand your confusion. I have had days for the last 2 months where I just want to throw in the towel and go running home to mommy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Other days where I'd like to just punch him in the face and scream @ him for hurting me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . There are days that I want to just lay in bed and whine all day <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . And then there are the good days where I am positive and want to make everything good and just move on to the next phase in our lives -- TOGETHER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Maybe they're not all days, but a lot of moments. At any rate, it's frustrating and hopefully we'll figure it out, or come to terms with it soon enough.

Best of luck to you!!

I think my mother was very bitter and hurt for a while, but I think she wants to help us now. Both my parents do, but don't know how. They asked if we wanted them to come over to see us. I told them it was probably too soon.