<strong> 1. Intro </strong>
Sorry for this outrageously long post, but I just need to write things down and get off my chest, and I haven’t done so for quite a while! Let me do a few headings, so you can fast-forward if you’re bored with a paragraph.

It is now five weeks since I moved out and since we last spoke or saw each other in a meaningful way. We email each other maybe once or twice a week, but severely restricted to the absolute minimum. E.g., three words telling where daughter will be picked up or similar. All told, it was so far a next-to-perfect plan B. Interestingly, she never even tried to contact me (other than asking for a bill to be paid or so – again in 1 liner email). But all this admin stuff is now sorted, and contact will now become even less. From her side, she never replied to my plan B letter or tried to talk to me about our situation, our relationship, the future etc., with the exception of once when she explained and apologised for not letting daughter phone me, and once where she blamed me for asking daughter whether OM is calling (yes, guilty as charged, I’ve asked – but only following a question from my daughter asking why I wasn’t coming home?). Is this atypical? I think I’ve read in a couple of plan B threads that the WS would get pretty angry as he/she doesn’t get half of the cake anymore.

<strong> 2. Where am I now? </strong>

I’m pretty proud of myself having achieved a separation - as you may remember, I tried twice to move out, to escape the constant blame, abuse and disrespect I was receiving – but couldn’t, as the attachment was too strong. Trust me, it took me all the force I have to pack my bags and leave behind 12 years of shared history, a home and a family.
Also, I’m relieved about the fact that I’m not having to return every day to her, in order to see her all tensed up and pouring a bucket load of blame over me, or lying in my face and disappearing to the nearest phone booth to have a cosy chat with OM. In a sense, I’m literally feeling liberated and relieved.

<strong> 3. My wife’s mental state </strong>

On that account, I may have come to an important insight. You see, when you’re always on top of each other, you simply fail to see the gradual differences and changes in personality a person goes through. With the benefit of distance and time, and with the benefit of inviting other persons to have a look at the situation knowing the full truth, you suddenly start to see what is/was really happening. Towards the end of 1999 she started to undergo a severe personality change, where by some part of her gradually started to drift away from normality. What I don’t know is, whether this was due to the affair, or whether the personality change came first and the affair was just a symptom, or whether the personality change came first and the affair accelerated and exacerbated it? Anyhow. Since the end of 1999, and especially in 2000/01, some part of her just changed. The scary bit is that on some level she stayed the same and functioned ‘as normal’ – like, when we had to discuss and resolve practical matters, or when we had guests, or went abroad, whatever. But there was something eating away in her brains – up to the point where she couldn’t (and still can’t!) distinguish between her fantasy la-la-land and what she is doing to people on the ground, where her own scenario and world she lives in is internally inconsistent and illogical. No wonder she needs to blame and freak out big time once in a while when these tensions become too big. And boy, as a performing artist, she is really good at that! There was only one time (I posted about it – it was in summer 2002) when she briefly snapped out of it, triggered by a TV programme about wives abusing their husbands. She suddenly recognised herself and broke out in tears and called me at work. She cried so hard she could barely speak, and apologised and promised to better. When I came home, however, she was back in her cool, unapologetic shell.

I think that this happens to a certain extent more or less in every affair case, but believe me, my wife became a completely brainwashed and different person, someone no one who knew her recognises anymore. I’ve started telling people what was really happening. No slander, no bad mouthing, just the cool, hard and straight facts as they occurred. You know what? <strong> Everybody I’m telling the story falls from the chair, and simply can’t believe it </strong>. Everybody’s reaction is: Utter disbelief. Not you guys – you had the best marriage we know. You were the perfect, happy, complementary family. This is totally out of character for her. How could you survive the last four years…. Some of our common friends then try to speak to her, to knock some sense into her – with the result that WW would lash out and her split personality would become only all too apparent. In London, I don’t know anyone anymore who wants to speak with her and be her friend and understands her. (This explains why she is throwing herself into the arms of strange strangers – like OM#2 who “understands her”).

Another insight: How she relates to our daughter is really unhealthy. I noticed it when I was spending the weekend(s) with our daughter alone, and suddenly there was something missing: No one was telling/accusing me afterwards/before: You didn’t dress her properly, why didn’t you bring some water, you shouldn’t have exhausted her so much, etc etc etc. I cannot describe her relationship in other terms than <strong> overly controlling, possessive, monopolistic and manic. </strong> Now, people are telling me this and confirming that – before they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, or I would shut them up, protecting my wife. Hey, I mean everybody loves his/her child, but again, what my wife is doing to her is wayyy beyond anything normal, it’s like hugging her to asphyxiation. It’s like she is overcompensating for the fact that she was packed away to a boarding school when she was six. My daughter is a captive audience which loves her unconditionally – very important, given the fact that she thinks that no-one loves her, particularly not she herself. My daughter loves her of course, and I don’t want this to change of course, but I fear for her when she is getting older and wants to have her own life.

<strong> 4. The last couple of days </strong>

Some of this ‘diagnosis’ was done by my mom – of course, she always would take my side. But a lot of it is absolutely confirmed by friends, and my memory – in hindsight. Again, when we were on top of each other I simply didn’t see these gradual abnormal actions, and defended her of course against anyone who dared to suggest that what my wife was doing is not right or normal. My mother was in London the last few days and they talked – don’t know what happened exactly, but at some point they seemed to have shouted at each other (in front of other people) and daughter cried and called me. Needless to say that I was transported right back…. It’s absolutely pointless of course if my mother, the elephant, wants to fight and win this battle here, but at least I hope my wife understood what my family is thinking. And vice versa, at least my family now witnessed firsthand the irrational, blaming, abusive and split personality of my wife. Nevertheless, they seem to have parted in peace, with my mum recommending her a very good IC.

<strong> 5. Informing WW’s family </strong>

WW’s niece (18y), who stayed with us for almost a year as an au-pair, flew back last week. I gave her a letter to hand over to WW’s brother and sisters. I told the niece everything (and she was hugely shocked of course!) – my wife learnt about it, lied to her saying that “I’m living in a different apartment as it’s closer to work” and ordered her to keep shtum about everything. Also, when WW learnt about the fact that I told the niece, she absolutely lost it and left me a 5 min blame and abuse attack voice mail. Anyway. The niece appreciated that I wrote a letter, as so she just can hand it over, with out her having “to betray” her auntie (my WW). In this letter, I told them the whole story, and explained why we are separated now. I don’t know yet whether she has handed the letter over, and what the outcome from that is. I know that my brother-in-law, a straight, very decent, smart man (but pretty conservative Muslim), will come down on my wife like a ton of bricks, so I expect some heavy fall-out from that. But again, I’m not in the business of protecting and lying on behalf of my wife anymore. She is responsible for her own actions, past and present – so she should feel the heat.

<strong> 6. What next? </strong>

On the one side, the last couple of days/weeks have given me new insights (see above) and awoken some sort of protecting role in me. I mean, if you consider my wife to be a sick person, isn’t it then my moral obligation to stand by her and help her?
In a sense yes of course, but you know what, at this point I only get hurt, and at this point only she herself can help herself. I’m still convinced that plan B is the right thing to do, and I’ll continue to carry it out 100%.
I wound up my clock when I started plan A, knowing that at some point the alarm bell would ring and I’ll move into plan B. Similarly, the clock is wound up now again – the moment when I file will come. Maybe at year end, if nothing changes.

<small>[ July 15, 2003, 02:32 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Hi Nick,

I appreciate the time it took to put all of this into words and I like the clarity of your thoughts and belief in yourself. I would offer advice if I thought you needed it...but I think your instincts and insights good. So I'll just leave you with one of my favorite quotes from a drunken Scotsman I met in the Carribean:

"Stick to road mon! Keep away from the moors!"

Hi Nick,

What a great post! You seem to be doing very well. I understand completely what you have said regarding your WW's severe personality change and have heard the same from people who know STBXH and I. I don't think you were wrong in telling WW's family about the OM.

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-42
STBXH - 44
DS - 21 months
Status: Filed for Divorce on 3rd Wedding Anniversary

Hey Nick

As you know I haven't been posting much - have been trying to give up my MB addiction - doing pretty well, but like to dip in and see how a few old friends are doing.

Well, I wish I had your insight and Star*Fish's concise clarity <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I think the two of you have it wrapped up.

Nick I understand all too well what you were saying. I remember the abusive wives thing. I think in my case, I let go all of a sudden protecting X because there seemed to be no point - I wasn't with him, I wasn't getting back with him, and his maniuplation almost seemed beyond belief when I talked to friends about the way he behaved.

So X would say to me "I'm not a violent man", but I knew that I've been hit, pushed, shoved, telephone chucked in face, pinned up against walls, etc. etc. and when I was with him, I could make excuses, but once the distance came between us I realised how truly disgraceful his behaviour was. When you talk to friends (yes, the same "Not you two" coversations) and then tell them about some of the behaviour, it's almost like you're looking from the outside in. It's like you're talking about someone else and if you were talking about that person, you would realise overwhelmingly what a bad situation they had been in, and the character flaws that could so easily be overlooked when inside that R just hit you so clearly. It is the space and distance away from the R that enables you to put some of the bad/crazy things into perspective.

Nick, I think you've done all the right things, telling her family, friends etc. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Funnily enough, I told everyone about me, because I couldn't lie anymore. X choose not to tell people - I wonder why.

Hang in there Nick, keep finding yourself, enjoying your space, and your time with D. You will know if and when you are ready for DV.

Take care of yourself.

Lisa

P.S. Is it baking or what? Feel so flaked out.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if you consider my wife to be a sick person, isn’t it then my moral obligation to stand by her and help her?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remember that unlike an unwelcomed sickness, like cancer or Althzheimer's, etc., her sickness is a self inflicted one that she holds the key to her recovery and the marriage's. You are doing your part to help in the healing of your marriage but it is a team effort that requires her participation as well.

Thanks starfish, BritBrat, Lisa and CoffeeMan – thanks for the virtual pat on the shoulder and your feedback.

You know, it’s all really, really scary. Really.

Yesterday, a couple invited me to share their views as she met with my wife yesterday. Interesting news:
- She is *hellbent*, without a shred of doubt whatsoever, that her future lies with OM
- She didn’t say anything negative about me - to the contrary, she was full of praise for my decency, honesty, etc
- She said that “surely, she can give both OM and me enough to fulfil both our needs” (wakey, wakey!!)
- Her family learnt about her affair and disowned her – her brother and sisters don’t talk to her anymore (not sure if that was triggered by my letter, or whether my wife told the story)
- She thinks OM is committed to coming over to live in London presumably so they can live together happily ever after.
- She knows that “of course it will be a harsh living – but they will be poor but happy”
- She only speaks in terms of “me, me me” – like a pre-adolescent teenager

You see in these statements how far removed from reality my wife is – my (our) friends were pretty scared and were full of empathy for me. At some point apparently my wife gave my friend an empty plate saying, here, have some salad. Imaginary salad, like there is an imaginary world for her. Just a few practical points: Will OM really come over? Will he waive good-bye to his Green Card after having worked his balls off for a decade to immigrate to the US? Will he waive good-bye to his job over there? What will he work here in the UK? On what visa? Of course, if they were to marry then I suppose he could come over, but I believe it when I see it.

I’ll bet with you, her next step is to get pregnant by him, so he has him by the balls, exert control in order to forcibly turn her dream world into some sort of reality.

My friends all think that my wife is so determined that she will ride the ride till the bitter end. That fits with her character – the more people tell her she’s mad, the more she is determined to prove that the world is wrong, not she. She destroyed her family. She is in the process of f***ing up her daughter. She is losing contact with all her relatives. She doesn’t have any friends anymore. What next?

In the mean time, I’ll go on holidays – first a long weekend in France with an old friend of mine (focusing on such essential things like sampling French cuisine, wine tasting, and driving rally-style through the country side), next weekend my best mate and I descend upon Berlin (tremble Berlin, tremble), and the week after I take my daughter to Barcelona to visit good friends and of course to have some serious fun on the beaches and in the city. Olé! And upon my return, I’ll hopefully have some good news re. a new job….. I hope so much that I have reached the low point and that from now on it’s going upwards.

<small>[ July 16, 2003, 03:19 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Just learnt that her relatives havent received my letter yet. But I think WW told one sister what is going on (but inevitably only her side of the story of course). Called the niece who is back there and told her to give the letter to WW brother & sisters. She'll do so tomorrow. So, the rocket is fired.

In the mean time - I'm off to vacation!

<small>[ July 17, 2003, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Nick,

I'm really really heartened by your post. A while ago I offhandedly referred to the toxic atmosphere between you and your wife- and mentioned you need to analyze things so as to avoid repeating the past in a new relationship. I didn't get to post further on those thoughts but I feel by your post you are doing just that- giving your relationship a serious autopsy so to speak. You are looking at things closely and figuring out what happened.

It sounds clear that your W has undergone a personality change and is living in a fantasy world. Why it is hard to say. Whether she'll come out of it- I hate to say it- but probably doubtful. At this point it is clear that your W has thrown her eggs into OM's basket. The most important thing though is you coming to a point where you will not WANT to go back into an abusive relationship. You ARE a good father, and should be recognized as such as well as a good husband in all senses of the word.

Kudos to you for a good Plan B and you are doing the right thing in focusing on yourself and your relationship with your daughter. You will know when it is right and when you are ready to file- there is really no problem in waiting. I recognize the huge hurdle you overcame in achieving the separation. The most important thing now is to stabilize in that separated mode.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I mean, if you consider my wife to be a sick person, isn’t it then my moral obligation to stand by her and help her? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did this for my xW. I coped with unbearable things that even now give me nightmares - self-mutilation, abuse, drinking, suicides etc etc.

In the end I came to the very real realisation that you can only help them if they REALLY want to help themselves... my Ex didn't and neither does yours.

Take heart that you can look in the Mirror and know that you tried your very best.

Regards Neil.

Hi Nick,
I've been following your post though don't post much myself.But can I say that in my view you are absolutely following the right course for your own personal development. I am so glad to see you breaking out of the limbo your WW had you imprisoned in for so long. I feel so sorry for her that she is hellbent on this particular road. But you have done a good Plan B so far and I think you are right-the only way now is up!!!! have a great holiday!

Deluded

Back from France – well rested, and particularly well fed! They really know a thing or two about lifestyle, the frogs.

Thanks you all for your thumbs up. Yes, I am analysing our situation (in fact, I have done so for over a year!!); but it’s amazing how time & distance give you a different, better and deeper perspective. And yes, I find plan B surprisingly easy – given the amount of emotional beating I had to take to move out in the first place.

Sadly, I agree with Espoir’s comment of

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
It sounds clear that your W has undergone a personality change and is living in a fantasy world. Why it is hard to say. Whether she'll come out of it- I hate to say it- but probably doubtful.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Spot on. She can be so stubborn and hard headed, and currently all indicators show that she is hell-bent and burns bridges left, right and centre in order to live out her la-la-fantasy.

Neil – thanks. I know your situation was even more extreme in terms of the self-destructiveness of your X. At what point did you realise that it’s actually she, and not you, who is bonkers? You know, over the years, as her personality changed ever so slightly every day, I started to have self doubts. D-day was just another new low point in my self esteem curve. My parental abilities, my ability to enjoy and give joy to others etc etc – my self-esteem had holes shot in it all over the place.

Deluded - that was a very thoughtful comment:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I am so glad to see you breaking out of the limbo your WW had you imprisoned in for so long
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, in a sense you could say that emotionally I was indeed her prisoner, and only now, I managed to get my acts together and break out… Like a prisoner, I was fed only the absolutely necessary amount of TLC and emotional needs were met only to such an extent that I wasn’t going completely mad. For me the crumbs, for him the main dish. And there were always 100 reasons, businesses to attend and little issues to solve which stopped me from thinking and taking a hard look at the situation.

***

Quick update: Her relatives have received my letter and I spoke on the phone with my sister in law (I wish I could speak to my BIL, but the phone line to where he is isn’t working for years already). Conversation was difficult – she just cried, cried and cried and kept on apologising and saying what a great guy I was etc (they really love me over there…. and I really love them too!) and how sad it was for us, our daughter. She really took it very, very badly; she is a very emotional person, and she is suffering as well from the situation and deplores the fact that her sister has lost her head. I’m sure WW will go ballistic when she learns that I am in contact with them (“they don’t understand”, “it’s not my business to talk to them”, “you don’t like them anyway” etc etc… I already hear her points!) but hey, first of all I’m not around for her to pour the blame bucket over, and secondly, I’m defiantly not in the business anymore of protecting her and lying on her behalf. Instead, I firmly believe all relatives and close friends deserve to and will know the truth - no less.

At the same time I’m more concerned than ever that sooner or later WW will look around – and find the world as she knew it in pieces. Her relatives hate her now. Friends think she’s nuts and avoid her. The family is gone. And you know what? I’m more sure than ever that she will be let down by fairy tale prince as well – either he wont come over, or, when he comes, well – reality will certainly be different. And not for the better. But that’s outside my control, outside my focus and outside my life now…. But it’s still not outside my thoughts. How can it ever?

Nick.

<small>[ July 22, 2003, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Nick-

Sounds like you're doing very well, all things considered, so I don't have much to add in the way of advice. It's so refreshing to get away from that source of pain and realize that life will go and that you will find happiness again eh? I can remember looking at my marriage after we separated and thinking "How did I lose myself like this?" It's so easy to get caught up in trying to help your spouse to the point where you lose your own identity. In hindsight, not a good thing.

My only further suggestion would be to spend some time thinking about how you might forgive her, if indeed you still hold resentment (as I do, though I've come a long ways). I really believe that's a big hurdle to clear before you can truly move on. Good luck to you...

Nick...you are doing great and hopefully, many of us who are struggling can emulate you and succeed. Thanks for sharing all of your experiences...it makes people like me feel that I'm not alone.

Karena

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nick123:
<strong>Neil – thanks. I know your situation was even more extreme in terms of the self-destructiveness of your X. At what point did you realise that it’s actually she, and not you, who is bonkers?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well when the Blade stuff really started I knew that there were serious problems, but if you mean out-of-it with regards to our relationship etc etc it was really at Xmas when I was told that she slept with OM5 because it was my fault - I hadn't had her over to me on Xmas day.

Self confidence does come back, in fact you'll find it comes back with a vengeance which is an indicator on just how repressed the relationship probably made you!

Best Wishes Neil.