Hello All:

I have posted this before two months ago I think and have read much on the subject, but I still am unsure.

In a nutshell, D-Day April 26th. WW had an EA and a PA with a co-worker. We are recovering pretty good since. I started to find out 4 weeks previous and had to investigate and spy to find the truth. The A continued. The OM sent me e-mails, called me and came to my house to tell me there was nothing in that 4 week period so I got to know him a bit. D-Day was when I taped an over 3 hour phone conversation that pretty well laid it out.

The OM's W was 7 months pregnant at the time, so I could not tell her then while she was carrying child. The baby was born a month ago. I told the OM that I will give the tapes to his wife after the baby is born, but I will wait at least a month to give him a chance to tell her first, and told him to come clean with her.

I do not like this guy one bit and I can not say in all honesty there is no retribution involved, but as every day passes I feel more and more that she has the right to know as it involves her life, and MB prescribes to telling. She may actually already know, but I do not know that. If she does not then the only way she would believe me is by listening to the tapes. The OM had painted me as a control and jealous freak, which I am not. I had never checked up on my W until this happened and I had good reason. If she knows already then she can ease up on the "Was there more thoughts?"

I wrote a 7 page letter telling her what happened. Included in the letter is a suggestion to visit this site, the facts, how I found out, and what my WW and I are doing to recover. Nothing nasty and no PA details. I also said that I will not call her, or go after her H, but if she needs further clarification she could contact me.

I put the letter and the tapes in an envelope, sealed it, taped a note on the envelope saying that the truth is enclosed and it is her decision. Then in another sealed envelope. I will have it delivered by a courier and have it stated that her signature ONLY is required for delivery.

I know it is the right thing to do, and that I am doing it 90% for the right reasons and not revenage.

My question is this: Is it fair for a new mother of 1 month old baby to recieve this news? Could I be hurting her as she may still be too fragile mentally to get this kind of info? OK I know it would hurt her even if she did not have a newborn, but will I be doing more harm then good as there is a newborn in the house? I know that we are not all built the same, but in general. We do not have childern so I can not rely on my experiances.

I would have no problem if the baby was not there.

Am I doing the right thing?????

Please moms help me out here.

Thank you all and God Bless.

That's a tough one.

There is never a good time to recieve such news, but in general, I think the sooner the better.

Can you find a friend of hers to help you out - to deliver this and be there for her?

I too, am an advocate for the truth, and I too believe that the OM's W has a right to know. And yes, there is no good time to do it.

A few things from my experience, to keep in mind:

1). When I told OW#1's H about the A, he chose to not believe it. OW had already explained the damning emails as a prank on me, to "teach Karen a lesson", to keep me from "snooping" in my own H's email. It took me a LONG time to get over his ignorance and blindness. But it was HIS CHOICE. I never had any control over that. Keep this in mind for when you tell.

2). D-day for me, was when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with my twin sons. I was admitted into hospital 2 weeks later, and given an emergency c-section 2 days after that.... all b/c of my extremely high blood pressure... A induced, I can assure you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Anyways... even after the twins were born, the whole A mess took its toll on me... and them. Due to the stress, I was unable to continue to breast feed them (I lasted a total of 5 weeks). It was VERY difficult for me to work on the bonding with my sons as well... so many memories... so many hurts... so much of it happening around their birth. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm still having a hard time getting really close to them (although that could be attributed to the death of my oldest son 3 yrs ago).

I really like AD.'s idea to find someone who could be there for her, when she receives the package... if there is anyone you know. Perhaps adding the phone number for a crisis phone line would be appropriate? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Karen

AD,

No I have never met her, and do not know her maiden name. I did her a search on her on the net hoping to get something there maybe from an ancestry site where they list who married who and get a sisters or mothers name from there, or a family site or association that might of had a blurb, but no luck. Of course that would lead to the next set of dilemas: Can that person be trusted, and would the OM's W want other people to know.

bill,

wow....I'm searching my heart to find the right answer. I will tell you this....when I was pregnant (having trouble carrying that baby....bedridden) and I also had a one year old at home, the OW called me to tell me that she had been in bed with my H when I told him I was pregnant (among other nasty details). It was difficult. It was horrible. But I was strong enough to survive it, and I was glad to have the information. This will be a shock to her....but having a new baby, may actually strengthen their desire to work through their marriage honestly.

There is no good time to get bad news. It just has to come. Bill, just remember that it is not the truth that hurts her, but the adultery. You are helping her immensely by giving her the facts about her life so she can take steps to protect herself and her children from him.

I know you feel bad about being the bearer of such bad news, but just know that you are probably the most compassionate, caring person in her immediate life right now and have done her a great favor. Please don't feel guilty. You are a good guy, Bill. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen,

I am so sorry.

Your story of A#2 is exactly what scares me. I do not want to be the bearer of such news and cause the extra grief at such a time. Until I read your post, I was sure that I was going to give the OM's W the info this week. She has had the child and I do not know if she is breast feeding or how it will affect her, but how could I possibly do it?

I know I am not the cause of the grief, but I now have the choice on whether or not to administer it. Does that make sense? I realize in the long run that honesty is by far best, but I am fearful of the ramifications of the short term, and at the same time fearful of the long term if I keep quiet.

Karen if you could go back in time, would you have prefered knowing or not knowing at that time?

Thank you so much for sharing, and I am truly sorry,
Bill

Starfish and Melody Lane,

Thank you for the words of encoragement. I am really getting torn up by this. I am in a position where I have to make many decisions and not look back, but this one is really difficult.

The more I write and read the more I realize that this is really not about revenage for me anymore. It was, but my need to get back has subsided in the past few months to almost non-existance, so I guess that is a good thing.

Bill

IMO, tell her. Melody is right. It is not the truth which hurts her, it is the adultery. Even without her knowing, this is damaging her. She deserves to know information which directely affects her and the father of her children. Your motives are honorable, and your methods are such as to mitigate the impact of the news.

I say tell her.

Good luck.

S.

Bill, you are also presuming that she will take this hard. It may not be so. Many women would be relieved to discover the true facts about their lives especially when they have had great suspicions. She, no doubt, senses something is very wrong but might not be getting answers. Or she got half baked answers that left her wondering.

Often women start thinking there is something wrong with them when their instincts are telling them something is very wrong but the facts are not forthcoming to support them. It is a special kind of hell to live like that. While it hurt me to learn the truth about my DH, I was greatly relieved because then I could move forward and I knew that I wasn't crazy.

Actually, I have spoken to her before I found out all but knew something was up. I will try to make this brief.

I was out of town the weekend of March 28th on business. Came home and noticed stuff that did not seem right. Found out that the OM was at my house Friday night till 2am and Saturday most of the day but only after many lies and bluffs were put on the table. I wanted confirmation from the OM's W that she knew where he was and that she was home that weekend. If she knew then maybe my W was just hiding it because she thought it was just inappropriate but nothing happened. Our conversation was short but friendly. I was very careful not to accuse as I did not know anything, and I was aware that she was pregnant.

Then a few weeks later D-Day came. I stormed out of the house when I saw the tape counter and heard his voice, but still did not know all and not heard the tape but knew they were on the phone for many hours and my WW called his house in a panic telling him to leave. I was not going there. I only wanted to hear the tape in the car. I came back home 10 mins. later after deciding to that we would listen to it together. My W greeted me at the door in a panic stating that she had just called there to warn him. I did say his address as I left so I did give the impression that I was going there. I asked her to call back and tell them I am home for the OM's W not him.

The OM's W called back and caught me off guard as I thought it was him. She said "Bill it is [OM's W} what is your problem?" I said, "Did you know that your H was on the phone with my W all day long?" She said, "That is impossible, do you have proof?" I said "yes". Then she asked her H if he spoke to her that day and he said yes but for work only. I could hear him in the background. She then said, "I do not know about you, but I trust my H 110%" I said, "I am sorry" and that was that.

So she may have doubts but unless he told her, that is all she knows and from the sound of it he painted me as a psycopath and she bought it. She even offered my W to stay at their house to get away from my abuse. I have never hit, threatened to hit, or even thougth of ever hitting my W. Heck, I am a volunteer cruelty officer with the SPCA.

Sorry Melody,

To respond more directly to your response. Yes, I agree with you there. In the 4 weeks that I was trying to find out, life was terrible. It got much worse when I did find out all, but we could not start recovery until the truth came out.

Always thinking there is more is worst than getting it all and then dealing with it.

Here is a quote from the first two paragraphs of the letter:

------------------------------------

It is with difficulty that I write this and hand over the tapes that I have. It has been an internal dilemma within myself the motivations to do this. Is it better for the other spouse to know or better to just let dogs lie? Is it revenge motivated or am I doing the right thing? I have always said that I will keep quiet as you were due with child, and have said this to (OM). In fact I asked him if he told you everything in the event that you would call me, as this is something I would do. I would have lied at the time, which for me would have been wrong but right in under the circumstances of your pregnancy. He told me he did.

If you do indeed know everything, then this will only serve as to reinforce the facts for you and make it a little easier. As now there would no more doubts, “was there more? etc…” and you could stop with those types of thoughts. However painful it was for me to hear the truth, it did help in the fact that there was not more. I did not need to paint scenarios. There is only one. In colour and in 3d, but only one, not a 141 black and white ones.

-------------------------

So I guess I am starting to see how it could be worse to keep quiet, even now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bill0021:
<strong>

So she may have doubts but unless he told her, that is all she knows and from the sound of it he painted me as a psycopath and she bought it. She even offered my W to stay at their house to get away from my abuse. I have never hit, threatened to hit, or even thougth of ever hitting my W. Heck, I am a volunteer cruelty officer with the SPCA.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the reason I think it is never a good idea to rely upon the OP to tell the truth to their spouse. They almost always will paint the BS as a nut in order to protect themselves and hide the truth. At best they will slant the truth. If you didn't have proof positive with your tapes, she would NEVER know the truth no matter what you told her. Thankfully, you have the tapes.

P.S. Bill, I really like what you wrote. It it well thought out and describes the dilemma you felt in telling her. I think its good to show her that you aren't doing it out of revenge and your letter clearly reflects that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bill0021:
<strong>Karen if you could go back in time, would you have prefered knowing or not knowing at that time? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Knowing, for sure.

There are events that have come up recently, that explain an awful lot from a few years ago. I cannot post them on here yet, due to confidentiality reasons... although I'm DYING to! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... but it was like new d-days... all over again. Each time I've gotten new information, it's hit really hard... and I've been thrown back many steps from my personal recovery.

Dr. Harley writes how it is vitally important that everything be laid out on the table, once the A is discovered, and recovery is to begin. True recovery cannot happen otherwise. In that respect, you owe it to yourself, to give the OM's W that chance to aim for recovery, and to know the truth... and make her choice on what to do with the information.

In my case, had I never found out about what H has done (A's, and other things), I would almost guarantee that I would still be with him to this day... putting up with his b.s. and abuse and continued A's. All for the sake of the children. I had convinced myself that it was best to stay for them.

But you know what? In my case... I was wrong. What is best for the children is that we are far away from H and his abusive ways. They are happier... everyone who knows them from before and now see it. And I'm much happier too. I know I did my best to save my M... but it was never up to me.

Now.... had my H come clean from the start... and had I known all of the information from the get go... well... maybe we could have stayed together. Nah... I would have left him for sure, to be honest. He knew that by NOT telling me the whole truth, I would stay.

I'm sorry that my post made you think again about sending off the information. My intention was to prepare you for 2 possible outcomes... 2 possibilities out of 1000's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OM's W has a right to know. You would not be the bearer of bad news, but the bearer of truth.

Karen

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Karen - Thank you for replying! Yes you are right there are a thousand scenarios. I just have to not dwell on worst case everytime. How could I drive a car again when I might get into an accident.

MelodyLane-Thank you for the kind words and advice.

This subject has been bothering me the last couple of days and I have brought some work home to get done yesterday and today as I have some big meetings tomorrow. My W broke down crying a little while ago tonight. She thought that I was sad or angry at her. So I reassured her that no I was not angry at her and was not sad, just a little stressed because of work, which is true. Then I told her that I was planning to bring the info soon and told her that because of the baby I am having doubts and that is stressing me as well. I have always said that I would one day tell the OM's W. We have not talked about this subject for a couple of weeks. She figured it may have been that. I also told her that when she has doubts on where my mind is to talk to me and do not hold it in. After all that had happened she still thinks that I may still leave her. I asked why she felt that way and what signals do I give off to suggest that. She answered by saying that she just can not believe that I would stay with her with all she had done. I held her and reassured her again that I was not, and that I loved her, and wanted her to stop punishing herself. Honestly there was a time when her tears made me feel good, but no longer. Now I just hate to see her in pain.

She has always been against me telling and has said in the past that it is revenge that I want. Tonight she told me that sometimes she wishes I would just get it over with so that I could have some peace on the issue and said that she now sees that my motivating factor is not revenge. She is scared that the OM will call her, the OM's W will call her, and that the OM may even come looking to get revenge on me.

I suggested the following to her: If the OM calls her, listen to him, be polite but do not engage him in any way. I do not like the idea of contact, but I also do not want him to get all bent out of shape on my W. And I asked her to tell me if he is threatening to her in anyway just in case we have to take precautions and/or get the police involved. I don't think he is the type, but I do not really know this man and really niether does she.

If the OM's W calls wanting information, then just answer her questions honestly and be kind to her. My W will do that no problem. If she calls to vent anger on her, then just take it and let the her vent and apologize in either case. She owes her that.

If the OM comes to my door looking for me, well, not a good idea for the man, as I am trained to take care of myself, and have at least 5-6 inches on him but again I do not see him doing that and actually consider him to be quite cowardly, but you never know.

So there it is, the letter is written, the W has been informed, and the decision is made.

Thank you ever so much for your input and helping me to put this matter into perspective. I will post to let you know how it plays out. In the end no one may call, and that would suit me fine. Although I would like to know if OMW is OK. I think I will offer to pay for counselling if she wants it as the OM is unemployed because of the affair. That is another story for another day.

Now I am going to go to sleep and if my W is still awake, I will give her a big hug, kiss, and tell her how much she means to me.

Thank you ever so much again and happiness one day to all,
Bill