Ever heard of a WS who keeps telling bad things about you to his parent/s.

I am concerned- I know WS has recently gotten more positive with his family towards me ... but all his rotten talk about me seems to be backfiring.

His wonderful father says he feels sorry for WS and the poor children... and what poor ws has to deal with as far as me the awful BS. OH POOR WS, hear my cry.

It seems like ws is afraid to tell his dear daddio- that I matter to him b/c he has built up this horrid story about me for so so long.

Also I have great fear my ws will continue to lie/yell at me/ and never tell me the truth. Sad thing is I really loved him- and yes he drives me insane when he refuses to discuss reality with me.

I have told him that another party has told me his father was saying bad things about me/ regarding things that ws said to his dad.... dear old daddio.... gee- never knew this man /fil could make me so angry. Truth is my darling WS told his dear old dad these bad bad stories about me.

Truth is some of the bad stories are about me at my worst in the pain of the A/ etc.- my heart sank when I heard what his dad is saying about me, truth is it really hurts. Also sad thing is ws's father does not see ws in true light one bit. Sad things is ws foo everyone lies/lies/lies... so lying is normal. Sad things is I loved these people for many years/ and the fights over the A with my ws are not what they deserve to see about me.

True , I need to handle myself with dignity in all situations, and will- despite ws attacking me. I am deeply saddened by ws lying to me/ and saying bad things about me/ and blaming me for all that is wrong in the world. I wish I was married to a grown up. I really do need to stop loving him/ if things can't change soon. I was so encouraged by good that has occurred lately/ and now that I have asked ws about his talking bad about me to his dear old dad/ he has screamed and yelled at me and called me a liar, because I will not reveal my source- another family member who happens to like me- also one who knows that his dad/grandparents believe lies/etc.- and refuse to see that ws is irresponsible, etc.

I am saddened that ws will not discuss with me/ blatantly refuses to discuss my feelings with me/ and that he- is so cruel/ yells at me and hangs up. I am crying, and stupidly may call back again... yes stupidly, I hate being treated like nothing.. and yes, ws will claim I am the bad guy.

Thanks for any feedback. It seems clear that ws refuses to take responsiblity. Maybe he will end up evicted??? He is quite broke right now, and I would hate to see him evicted, knowing him he will find a way to survive... but I get the feelings his poverty is a good reason for him to be nice to my face/ and stab me in the back.

Thanks, H



THanks for any feedback.

<small>[ July 15, 2003, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Honey,

They all do it - bad mouth us BSs to the OP, to their family, to their friends, to our friends .... They HAVE to do it because otherwise their A actions cannot be justified. They want other people to sympathise with them and say "well, of course you SHOULD leave BS, they are so demanding/nasty/unloving/selfish/inconsiderate/ugly ....." It is all part of the fantasy world they are living in. They can't turn around and tell the truth, because then they would lose the support of their family and friends and expose themselves as the lying cowards they are.

My STBXH has told all manner of lies about me to everyone who will listen to his babble. My inlaws, who I loved dearly, have completely dropped me from their Christmas card list. I have spoken to my MIL once in the last six months - about 1 week after DDay. She was sympathetic with her son. Also, WH has told the inlaws all manner of lies about the A, just to try to make the adultery a little more palatable. Including altering timeframes. Now OW is e-mailing the inlaws!!! And they love her interesting, witty e-mails <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Do not expect any support from the inlaws. They are related to the WS, and are perhaps responsible for the stupidity gene.

Remember, you can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time!

God knows the truth and so do you.
Kia Kaha (Be Strong)

Thanks Claire,

It helps to know I am not the only one dehumanized, according to wh I am a monster.

His immoral dad who has had A's, used many illegal substances, and abused the legal feels so sorry for wh and the children. Yea, right, even the kids could tell anyone different.

Thanks for the symphathy, I am still angry after finding out.

H

I was the BS, WS and now BS boy does he sound like my husband with his family and friends. It hurts bad. But last night his brothers wife told him and his gf off.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> --- If you love something set it free,
If it comes back to you it is yours,
If it doesn't then it never was meant to be .......
There is so much I would like to say but I know that you don't want to hear it - or you will think I am being mean etc... But Honey he isn't changing and he isn't going to change unless you change - One minute you think he is coming back and all is well - then they get to good and pulls away - again - you have got to break away - you have to be the grownup - Realistically how much more time are you going to put into this .... It isn't changing - if it isn't his drinking, its his friends or his family, or that he has hurt you with his words... Really have some more respect for your selve - I am not saying that you two will never get back together - but my god - have some more faith in yourself as a person - you deserve better - you deserve to have a life without this conflict - and your life is never going to be without conflict unless he changes - and he is not changing because you are enabling him to continue with his be nice - be nasty attitude... And I say none of this meaning to be mean - but my heart breaks for you everytime I read one of your posts... I think you need to start being selfish and start telling yourself you are to good for him and move on - and then see if he wants to change - or at least make the effort....

Maw,

Why the interest, and discouragement in saving my M?

I do see your point, but he has made progress. Progress not perfection.

THe man is still very interested in saving the M... however my point is that he is acting to save face.

He tells his family 90-95% good, and 5-10% bad about me currently. I think the problem is that, he has to save face, he has been telling them my every fault and every bad reaction to his cheating/ abandoning ways.

I think wh told his family so many bad things to make himself OK, wouldn't that make sense.

Thanks all again- I appreciate your support, that is why I come here. MB friends help me be strong.

Thanks, H

Honey,
You have to ask yourself is he acting to SAVE FACE or is that what you are convincing YOURSELF that is what he is doing? If he is changing and working on the marriage with the intent of coming back into the marriage why would he continue to bad mouth you? Why would he want his family/friends to think you are a shrew if he was moving towards the marriage. Something doesn't sound right here! Actions speak louder than words. If he is being nice to you INSIDE CLOSED DOORS but BASHING YOU TO THE PUBLIC, NOT BEING HONEST. Then that is a HUGE RED FLAG!

<small>[ July 16, 2003, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</small>

Honey,
saving face, i think, is remnants of the FOG and denial. Denial that it was the WS's responcibility of the turns the marriage took.
I am still so embarassed in front of too many people because of the slanderous things my H said in order to justify his actions. I know that i should hold my chin high and be proud because i do know the truth. I did nothing wrong, well, except become a hysterical beast when life was going south. i do take responcibility for that "justification", but, hey, he pushed it, didn't he? ( i could have been more mature)
I have no idea what was said, who it was said to, when it was said etc. I don't know how much of the "saving face" is still going on, or to whom.
my heart is with you, as well as my prayers.
it'll all work out for the best, right?
Lots of love,
2nd

Honey - I don't know why the interest in you - but everytime I read your posts I think oh god here she goes again - and my heart breaks a little for you everytime - I respond to you the way I do - hoping that one day something will click in your head and you will say ok - I am being crazy - this is not working at this point and it isn't going to work until I let go and let him fix himself....And from your posts it doesn't sound like he is being positive - hanging up on you when you are crying - bad mouthing you to his family and or friends - I only know your story by what I read here - but you are the one posting the situations and I cannot sit here and just say - OK honey I think you should forgive him because this is the way the way fog is - well you have said he isn't in an affair, so therefore he isn't pining over anyone - What is he doing???? What strides is he making to make your marriage better??? Is he really working at it - or are you just hoping that he is ??? I mean when you get right down to it - What is he doing??? If he has no one why not be with you ??? Does he still want that single life??? or does he want the married life??? I don't care if you are driving him crazy crying and calling and holding on for dear life - that is what you are doing ??? But my point or question is??? How long are you going to do it??? How long are you going to go from one good day to 10 bad days in a row??? To me it just doesn't seem like things are changing - I could be wrong and I hope you do with all of my heart save your marriage - but I don't think you are being fair to yourself.... I think you are actually worth more than that!!! I have been here since March 2002 and I have seen you suffer pretty much with the rest of us... Some of us have gotten divorced or gone from one stage to the next - but you still seem to be sitting there waiting for him "to make a decision about IF he wants to change" - Not waiting for him to get through the change??? Can you see that???

Honey,
From your posts about your H, he sounds weak-willed, except in the area of pursuing his drinking--he's pretty focused that he's not giving THAT up.

I too believe that when words and actions conflict, believe the actions.

He continues to drink, he continues to treat you or talk about you badly while saying he wants his marriage. Even if the negative at 5-10% is a great improvement...it still isn't an acceptable, reasonable level. He shouldn't treat you badly or talk about you badly AT ALL if he's sincere in wanting to rebuild your marriage.

I am saddened that ws will not discuss with me/ blatantly refuses to discuss my feelings with me/ and that he- is so cruel/ yells at me and hangs up

Honey, it isn't your "feelings" he's refusing to discuss, it is the reality of his actions and words.

Don't call him back, don't grovel, you aren't the one in the wrong.

I'm not suggesting divorce, but I am suggesting that you do tell him that you expect him to treat you with respect and dignity, at all times, even when he's talking to others. That's what a husband who wants his marriage does.

Saving face is selfish, selfish is a lovebuster, but you've already felt the truth of that.

<small>[ July 16, 2003, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>