Just curious.....

My H and I have been talking a great deal lately about how simple decisions might have made things different. I brought up the fact that things might not have been as painful for me had I found out that he had slept with someone else instead of actually leaving me for the woman he "fell in love" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> with.

He looked rather perplexed and I'm not even sure I was being honest with myself about it, but I can't help but feel that there is a difference between screwing around and having an affair and leaving your S for the OP... a difference between wondering "Where is my H?" and "Is my H coming back?"

Empty, meaningless sex with an OP still would have been an excruciating thing to discover. But the fact that "I love you" was exchanged just seems to have twisted the knife for me. I can't help but wonder if our recovery process would have been different under such circumstances... somehow easier to move on from. As it is though, he gave ALL of himself to someone else for months while he knowingly and willingly put me through hell; leaving me to boot. I come from one of those extremely Southern families of women (Daddy's from Virginia... Mom's from Alabama) who look the other way from seemingly unavoidable indiscretions committed by unsatiable men, and grew up assuming there was a difference between the girlfriend and the wife. One was love while the other was just sex.

Painful either way, but a man just didn't leave his family for the whore.

The whole conversation was brought on by the changes this last year has brough about for me. Back to school... back to work, etc.

Is my thinking a warped product of my rearing or is there really a difference? I'd really like to know what you all think. Was anyone else raised this way? Has it affected your recovery or what you base your M on?

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 12:39 AM: Message edited by: The Lady ]</small>

My H had sex just to have sex and tried to get other girls but failed. No, I don't think it is easier knowing that there was no feelings for the OW. I think for me it was important that H realized way back then that it was a sex addiction maybe stemming from his child abuse. It has been 7 months since Dday which his infidelties stopped in around 76 or 79. It is hard any kind of betrayal.

Hi TL,

Well I had read your thread earlier but couldn't think of a good response.....U had my mind going but I had to go and play travel agent for a while - LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hm...... well in most cases the ILY's are said to whoever, whatever, wherever and whenever....so it looses it's sincerity and real meaning.

Given that, it still hurts. Why? BEcause most people give it a different weight than the WS and OP do in the fog. No doubt about it.

I read e-mails where the WS told the OW, ILY and a bunch of other hurtful stuff....hurtful to me but it tickled the ol geezers fancy (old was an Oow - older other w <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

Of course those words would hurt along with the physical piece. What I found out here is that the EN brings more pain than the PA. Though before I experienced it, I always thought the PA w/b worse. Some things you never really understand until you are in it. In fact, I know that I could not have empathy for the BS until now. I wish it weren't so but it is....painfully true.

I kinda told my WS the same thing. I also told him that I was offended he didn't pick a good looking, financially secure person instead of blabber mouth PBR who pretended to be many things she just couldn't be.

In reality it all hurt no matter what part of the A I had to deal with.

L.

Actually this sounds a lot like men are from mars...and women from venus...(and some from uranus)>>>> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Not to stereostype but lots of men here often speak of the physical act being the hardest to overcome...men being more visual...and often sex as the big part of communicating emotion...

While lots of women here find the emotional investment way more painful than the physcial act...the fact that these men spent hours on conversation, compliments, and small gestures of emotions cut to the core for them...

Sounds pretty normal to me....
and I realized I just pretty much repeated what Orchid has already said so well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

ARK

No ark, you didn't repeat what I said. You stated the planetary view of us humanoids. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Can you imagine if we really heard from real aliens,the outer space kind? They probably w/b offended by what we call the WS and OP. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Normal, huh?

Thanks...

I wonder why it's almost dificult to admit I feel this way?