You all may remember me and my plight. I am the married woman having the emotional affair with a co-worker. I read what you posted, did all the things and nothing has changed.

I realized that my emotional need was being listened to at home. That is what drew me to my coworker who became a dear friend.

After reading what you all wrote, I talked with my husband and told him what I needed Nothing really changed. He does not listen to me. He tries, but he does not hear me, or really care what I am thinking about.

I love my husband and our family. But his lack of listening is a hole for me. It is a hole that my co-woker friend fills.

I feel I have three choices:

1.Leave my husband. that is something I would never do. I do love him and our life. It is 90 percent good.

2.Stop talking with my co-worker. But I realize the important part he plays in my life by giving me something that my husband simply can't

3. Have both in my life.

It seems to me that No 3 works. Am I wrong? I feel that I really tried with my husband. I told him what I needed, many times, but nothing changes.

The friendship wiht my coworker makes my home life better. I know I am never going to be listened to at home like I want But it does not matter as much because I have another outlet. In turn, that allows me to concentrate on all th egood things my husband does provide.

What do you all think about where I am at now?

I really have tried

Not long enough...... How long did you think it would take? Why should your H listen or why should he begin listening? I am not saying he shouldn't be listening but if you were him, and you were treated as you treated him, would you listen?

Many a BS are expected to do all the WS needs immediately...... U really think a BS can turn on a dime like that?

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The friendship wiht my coworker makes my home life better. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes... for YOU. But what if your H would rather not have this kind of M? He is after all 50% of your relationship, but all you are able to see is how much YOU can have....

{{{{{{{{{CAN YOU SEE THE FOG?}}}}}}}}}}}

I understand that your needs are not being met, but your methods are selfish and your underlying intentions may be making your efforts half-hearted. We have a tendency to be more enthusiastic about getting what we want the easy way, especially when we delude ourselves about who it actually hurts and how far it will go. Sounds to me like you can't make the right decision, so you're trying to make your decision right. You have to make a decision about what's most important to you. A healthy marriage (2 happy people) or a happy you.

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 01:35 AM: Message edited by: The Lady ]</small>

If your life with your husband is 90 percent good it is a very good marriage. Why jeopardize your marriage with this affair. No marriage is going to fulfill 100 percent of a spouse's needs. If you need to talk, do so with one of your gfs. What everybody is telling you is that you are going to become not only emotionally involved as you are right now but it will progress to more physical intimacy and will tear apart your marriage. They have experienced what you are going through and have regretted their choice to have an affair. Statistics show that almost 70 percent of marriages in which there is infidelity end in divorce. 25 percent of those marriages stay together but have "blah" marriages. Only 5 percent are able to really recover. The point is that you are playing with fire if you continue. What is sad is that you think that your affair is different from others who have had affairs and that you are going to be able to control your actions with this man. Unfortunately that is what every person in an affair thinks until it is taken to the next step and then to the next step etc. until the affair is controlling you.

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 02:43 AM: Message edited by: tomaz ]</small>

Hi headspinng,

You're going about repairing your marriage a little bit backwards, no?

You don't really want "marriage building" advice, you are looking for someone here to tell you it's not wrong to have your cake and eat it too!

I can tell you that you must quit expecting your H to be like this EA guy or you will never move forward and grow in your marriage. What you are doing is killing your marriage. But you refuse to see it because your needs are being met without your having to change!

See because if you do the necessary work to grow your marriage, it requires you to change. Building your marriage requires you to own your role as 1/2 responsible and adjust and give and allow yourself to be pruned of attitudes that do not contribute to a healthy relationship.

But instead, you took the easy way out. You went and found someone else to make deposits into your love bank other than your H. You prefer to risk the good thing rather than work to make it better.

So to answer your question, "Now what?"

Well, since you're not going to change jobs nor give up your secret lunches and conversations; You're not going to allow extramarital sex because you are so devoted to your marriage; You're not going to tell your H about your secret guy; You're enjoying your sex and family life, and; You're getting all your emotional needs met!

Your life is perfect! So now what?

ENJOY your perfect life!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 03:02 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

What do you mean by "I told him, and nothing has changed"? Was this on the order of initiating a conversation with him about "us" and saying "I need you to listen to me", then expecting things to be different instantly? That approach is not effective at getting what you want.

I also have a great need for conversation, and for listening - most women do. One of the best books I have ever read, and one which I recommend you go out and buy today - in the next hour, if you are serious (and somehow I don't think you are) - is by John Gray - the Mars/Venus author - Communication - Loving Together, Staying Together, something like that (he**, I'll go on the web and find out the title for you in a minute). This book taught me more that any other that men and women approach communication differently, and teaches you hard and solid techniques for changing the way you talk/listen to your spouse. He recommends that if one of you (usually the wife) wants a change, YOU can change the way YOU communicate with him which will precipitate a change in the way he listens to you, and communicates with you - he has even written the book in such a way that wives having problems getting through to their husbands can use the book to facilitate change in the way the guy listens.

This book is your instruction manual to your husband, and your Communication course 101 in getting your husband to change in order to meet your needs.

As testimony, I have been through Hell with my H the last two years, with him embarking on two passionate emotional affairs - I suffered a miscarriage while trying to save my marriage, we came to blows on two occasions, we slept apart for 3 months, he told me everything every WS says to the BS - "I don't have any feelings for you anymore, I'm staying for the sake of the children, I'm no longer interested in you physically, my friendship with her is just a co-incidence, we are JUST FRIENDS" - all that cr*p. I had to take a good long look at what it was I did to contribute to him feeling so bad about me. I'm not saying I am guilty of anything particularly awful in that respect - but there were (and still can be) deep problems.

I needed and wanted his attention, his appreciation of me, and a deeper emotional communion, which I wasn't getting. Unlike you, I didn't find that in another man, and find some way to justify it. I built up a deep resentment which lashed out in anger and bitterness - alienating him from me. Same situation, different manifestation, different result.

What I have learned, and what has been successful, is that I have changed the way I communicate and interact with him in many ways, with the result that I now have much more of a chance of getting what I need from him, and our marriage is well into recovery. What changed? First, and most important, I learned that he (as a man) needs preparation in order to give me his undivided attention - if I need or want to talk to him, I simply ask him "When you have time, do you think we could talk?" He then says cautiously "About what?" I say what its about in a non-confrontational way, giving him time to think about it. 99% of the time, he will say "OK, but I have to do X, Y, Z first and then I will..." The dynamic here is that he is like a dinosaur - his brain needs time to digest the simple fact that I need to talk to him. In the past, I would have interpreted his saying "OK, but later" part of the conversation as a deliberate attempt to put me off, and get mad. Now I realize its just what he says it is - its him being totally literal and honest and according me the respect I deserve to fit a conversation with him into his day. I used to get upset when he didn't talk to me RIGHT NOW or find time RIGHT NOW - I thought that meant he was insensitive to my needs - he wasn't, he was just being a man, and I didn't have the instruction manual to a man. A lot of women think they do, but they don't really.

I can't take your attempt to work on your marriage seriously unless you take the advice offered here and do some nit-picking real work on your marriage, not just walking up to your spouse with a checklist, saying "Gimmee", wait a few days, then walk away and mark a red X next to his name "Sorry, you failed the test".

I've seen so many posts like yours from so many different people, and they never get it. They don't want to give up their special friend and they ruin their lives and the lives of their unsuspecting spouse. I'm sorry you are going down this road, but if you are serious about trying to find happiness within your marriage and to grow as a person, you will find that help here. You won't find any approval of what you are now doing, because every spouse on this board, whether WS, or BS, has been hurt by the kind of action you are now engaged in.

LIR

The book is called "Together Forever - Relationship Skills for Lasting Love" by John Gray.

The other "best book" is "The Five Love Languages - How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate" by Gary Chapman.

LIR

Headspinng,

What you did to your H is the equivalent to watching an overweight kid finish last in a running event in PE and announcing he is SLOW.

The kid has this figured out, what he doesn't know is how to become faster.

You announce to your H you need to listen to me.

He's thinking AND...????

But there is nothing there, because you have done no work yourself. You just expect him to change.

Listen and listen to this really closely, just as you, if your H thought he was doing something wrong he would change.

You have not convinced him he is doing something wrong and you have offered not approaches to change his view or his approach to listening.

You don't think your A is wrong, and you won't until you lose your marriage. You are in the fog and it lowers IQ's about 50 points,making you a functioning vegetable about this subject. Hence you want your needs met, you want them met NOW, and you don't want to do anything proactive except have an affair.

Do everyone a favor. Stop, think, pray, seek counseling, whatever, but some how get it through your head that having an affair is NOT the answer. We can talk, offer examples, yell at you, console you, and it won't make a difference until you realize what you are doing.

You made a half-assed attempt with your H, and then said "see their, he doesn't care." You are wrong and you just set him up.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Exactly...

OF COURSE your husband is happy because you have changed -- you are finally accepting the good things about him! You are more focused on what he is providing instead of what he is not. You're not making selfish demands anymore (see "Love Busting)... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

When I said I talked with my husband about what I needed, it was not simply a one-night conversation. This has been something I have talked with him for years. I don't expect it to be a one-way street where he is expected to just listen to me. I have talked about this for a long time,asked him what he needs from me, what I can give back to him. Everything is ood excpet this feeling that he does not listen to me and that he does not try for very long to change.

This did not all start when I met my coworker. I have felt this way for several years

So how come you married and made kids with a guy who dishonors you now for years and years?

Wouldn't you want to know why he doesn't value you or your opinions or words or thoughts?

What is his reason for not wanting to communicate with you?

I think I would want to know if it was truly his problem or my problem before I started looking for solutions outside of the relationship...

Wow JL......

Listen HS, Mr. JL usually doesn't resort to such blunt posts but he definitely sees the need and I agree.

I have read all your responses and what I see is you are still making excuses. Do you see that?

Before I give any more opinions, please read the book, His Needs/Her Needs. It may be an eye opener or paste yours shut even tighter. Either way, it will move you to action. If you don't move at all....well.....can't post that thought here....to morbid.

Read the book.

L.

HS-

Every time that you come back here and post a question, you keep asking the same questions and it seems like you just ignore all the information that we've posted you before. If you want advice, then I say you probably better listen to it and not keep ignoring it because everyone here on this board wants to help you and if you aren't willing to listen and just want to keep justifying your actions then maybe you shouldn't be here. Sorry if this comes across as cold hearted but until we can see that you are actually willing to want to get rid of OM and make your marriage work, then there's not alot that any of us can do for you.

Sorry for the cold tones but I think you know where I'm coming from,
NL

Color me stupid, but I fail to see how option #3 will improve your marriage. If anything, it would destroy any trust or desire for communication in the marriage. Your solution is even worse than his path of doing nothing.

Another thing to consider is that your spouse might not choose to remain married to a woman who is having an emotional affair. That is certainly his option and he most certainly has the right to know if you choose option #3. You are going to tell him, right? To do otherwise would be holding him in a marriage with a lie.

Here, read what I wrote to ATU:

Page 2: ATU's thread - the boat saga

L.

<small>[ July 19, 2003, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

I have read the books, have been on here and read what others write. I have approached my husband and told him of my need for him to listen. I asked what I could do better, what needs he has that I am not meeting. He say none. I have told him over and over that I need to be listened to. Not him acting like he is listening but still keeping one eye on the TV.

I love him. He is a great father, and a wonderful man. We have an excellent sex life. We travel together and I want to spend my life with him.

But the coworker gives me what he cant and won't -- somone who listens and cares what I think and feel.

By having that outlet I don't resent my husband the way I once did. I seem his good points, not his flaws.

What is wrong with that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by headspinng:
<strong>

But the coworker gives me what he cant and won't -- somone who listens and cares what I think and feel.

By having that outlet I don't resent my husband the way I once did. I seem his good points, not his flaws.

What is wrong with that?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't ask us what is wrong with that, ask your husband. He has every right in the world to know this, much more than some strangers on the internet, since it effects *HIS* marriage, *HIS* life. If he agrees to it, you are in like Flynn!

Headspinning-

Since you don't want to hear what we're saying to you, there's no way that you are going to make the situation better. You are headed down a dangerous path, multiple people (experience people) are telling you this but you won't listen. I guess you have to experience it first hand before you understand that we know what we're talking about. So, my guess is that you'll leave the site for awhile and then you'll be back, except you'll be back as the WS. Don't fool yourself, your feelings go deeper than you're telling us with this coworker. You say that you've sat your H down and talked to him but you really haven't told him what you need to tell him. You need to tell him that you're developing feelings for a man at work and you find yourself getting your needs met by him. You also need to tell him that you have been having sexual fantasies about this man. Let's see how he responds to that. Nothing is going to change with you right now because you don't want it to change.
NL

I have sat down with my husband and told him what I need. What I need is separate from my coworker friend. If he was not in my life, I would still want my husband to listen, etc. The fact I have a friend allows me to let some of the pressure off my husband.

Its not like I set out to find flaws with my husband, He is a good man. It is the listening part that I crave. I have told him, repeatedly and he is not capable fo giving me that. But it is not enough for me to not love him, or leave him that is crazy. It is just that tyhe coworker fills that gap in my life

Thats nice. Just go tell your husband what you told us about your coworker. He has a right to know. You didn't tell him that little tidbit, did ya?