Question

What hurt worse...

Being human and attracted to someone else or the lying & manipulation (keeping it secret)

I personally found that the lying and keeping it secret is what hurt the most. I found that to be very manipulative. As if She was thinking "Oh I want my financial security/home but want this fun little side deal.

I mean being human and finding someone attractive certainly isn't a crime...of course not

I guess its that "crossing the line thing" thing then subsequent lies that really turn the marriage upside down.

What are your thoughts?

rlyhurtin.

BOTH hurt and it's pointless to get into a pissing match over it. The question is will I be better off by just simply walking away from the M or should I stick around to find out if there is something positive I can do that even though it may not save the M, it will make it easier for me to move on with my life and will yield dividens in a future relationship if I finally deem the M unsalvageable?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Question

What hurt worse...

Being human and attracted to someone else or the lying & manipulation (keeping it secret)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's a double whammy. Yes, we all can find someone else attractive...human's are wired that way. But when action is taken on that feeling and the lies start flowing, that is the worst hurt.

You got a good start by admitting that attraction is human, bravo! You are one step ahead of some. You allowed for human traits in the marriage.

Affairs involve premeditation...and like a premeditated murder the penalty is stiffer than a crime of passion.

Now, start putting into words how the hurt of betrayal is to you, and tell her. Because even though marriage is made of imperfect people...lying has no place. Tell her to start telling the truth, now.

Read alot here! Again, you have a head start! Keep posting...you'll find some excellent help here.

Blessings!

Thanks for the responses...

Too Much...I am not trying to get in a pissing match with anyone. Its some seem to be hurt by the simple fact that there was an attraction, some are hurt by the lies and crossing the line and some are hurt by both.

I for one wouldn't have been hurt (IF) she was simply attracted to someone else.

Dust, explain what you mean by affairs are pre-meditated? Do you think WS's wake up and say..."I am going to start an affair today"--I am confused as to what you mean by that.

Thanks

Rly

I think what is meant by affairs being "pre-meditated" is that
1. The WS chose to exchange #'s and/or email addresses or whatever was used to keep in contact with OP
2. WS chose to meet face to face with OP for sexual contact
3. They chose to continue the behavior all the while knowing it was wrong, deceitful and hurtful to their spouse and family.

Basically it is a choice to do those actions that lead to the affair, either you do or you don't.

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</small>

Rlyhurtin remember that just because people get married doesn't mean that they have stopped being attracted to members of the opposite sex. To beleive otherwise is to possibly set one self up for an all consuming jealousy and controlling behavior that will eventually destroy a marriage especially if there is no intention on the part of the spouse to act on that attraction.

Now on the other hand, acting out on that attraction and using lies to hide the truth and thus manipulate the BS, in order to set up and maintain an affair, then yes that IS much, much worse than simple attraction.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rlyhurtin:
<strong>

Dust, explain what you mean by affairs are pre-meditated? Do you think WS's wake up and say..."I am going to start an affair today"--I am confused as to what you mean by that.

Thanks

Rly</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't answer for dustkitty, but I would have to say yes. An affair results from a chain of choices. It is a chosen behavior. It doesn't just happen to someone.