??Military campaign??
The success or failure of military campaigns usually rests in the fact that there is a de-humanization of the enemy. It also depends on villifying(?sp) the enemy to justify your actions more "firmly". The enemy is usually a stranger; nameless, faceless...this makes destruction much easier. In this case, viewing this as a military campaign turns it into a game. This is not a game, these are people's lives. These are people that Claire loved and trusted...believed in. I don't think viewing this as a military campaign is appropriate or necessary.

The whole point of plan A & plan B to to make positive changes in yourself. To make yourself a happier or healthier person, to recognize and correct past mistakes. It's not a game designed to win back a WS. It's about making yourself a more "desireable" person to be around.

Make changes for yourself and not someone else. Do not underestimate the parent-child bond. Do not think IL's will "side" with you because they know their child's behaviour is wrong...they won't.

To paraphrase the immortal and ancient words of Tsun Tsu..."keep your friends close and your enemies closer". I am hoping this is the point the was previously trying to be made.

Pretty much. By "military campaign," I mean that, from my reading of these posts, people's emotions tend to get in the way of what needs to be done, particularly in Plan A. You have to work to be kind and friendly when you are feeling anything but. You have to not unburden yourself even when you want to (that one's hard for me). You have to look at people's aims and motives and tactics impartially, without letting hysterical emotions in the way.

The military campaign analogy helps me be more impartial -- less in the "How COULD they!" emotions, and more in the emotions about how to achieve my goals. It makes me more accepting of the inevitability that my friends ARE going to invite H and OW to their homes, and that my best strategy is to be friendly and let H and OW go haywire, not me.

Ladies, Ladies!!

I can see where you are both coming from. It helps to depersonalise these events so that we can think rationally about how to make the best decision. If we react out of emotion, rather than reason, then we will probably do the wrong thing. Afterall, that's how the WS became a WS.

Military campaign analogy ..... well, the objective is not always to destroy the enemy. I have thought of this interms of deciding of likely Courses of Action and likely consequences, however, the goal is not to manipulate WH, but to try to avoid more hassles.
Make changes for yourself and not someone else.
My objective is to learn what went wrong with my marriage, and become a wiser, more resiliant person ....

Do not underestimate the parent-child bond. Do not think IL's will "side" with you because they know their child's behaviour is wrong...they won't
I know that any friendly behaviour from the ILs is temporary only. I always liked them as people (and thought that they liked me). I am prepared for the inevitable - that they will have to accept OW into their family "for the sake of their son". Once again, detachment is the key to managing this situation. If I let my emotions run my reactions, then I would lose what scraps of friendship I do have with my beloved inlaws. Keeping up with the ILs is not for the sake of WH - it is because I genuinely liked them and don't want to lose them.

So, overall, there is much to be gained by standing back and not getting personal about the actions of WH and OW. WSs and OW behave like this all over the world and this situation is not special. (they, in their fog however, believe it is) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ August 04, 2003, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: ClaireL ]</small>

You are getting smart fast, Claire.

My e-mail to WH over the bond:

"Bond money can only be released to the person who is applying for it.IE, I can't request it on your behalf. This is a matter which you willneed to sort out with the landlord as I have no rights/authority over refunding your bond.

More info:
http://www.tenancy.govt.nz/tenancy/index.html

Claire"

WH's reply:

"Then why not do what is the normal practise? Have the incoming tenant pay their bond to the out going tenant."

BECAUSE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
(a) "normal practice" is not correct practice.
(b) You, dear WH, are still on the tenancy agreement as a tenant until YOU apply in writing to terminate the tenancy and get your refund back. I want you off the tenancy agreement!

Need I go any further with this matter?!!! I think not! I have advised him. I bet he didn't bother to read the Tenancy Services information site.

Options:
1. Ignore
2. Reply: "I would like you to terminate your tenancy at this address, so that a new tenancy agreement can be drawn up between myself and the landlord. Until you give written notice to the landlord, you are still considered a tenant here. Until you give written notice, you cannot have your bond money refunded. Once again, the issue of having your bond money refunded is between you and the landlord."

<small>[ August 05, 2003, 06:49 AM: Message edited by: ClaireL ]</small>

ClairL,

You call that a battle?

Get a grip, girl, that's nuthin. You could take care of this in less time than it takes to post about it. Just go talk the landlord and make it happen. Tell him what you want. He'll figure out what to do - esp. if you are paying the rent. If LL wants to keep the bond money, good for him. If he wants to give it to your H, that's ok too. Not your problem.

-AD

You're right.

ClaireL, or perhaps the LL will just use the bond money to secure your tenancy. That would suit me just fine if I were you!
After all, isn't it considered as much yours as his since you're married? It would be here in CA. U.S.A.
LouLou

Anyone been to the 12 week mark in Plan B and recovered?

Nope...I would say it was more like 6 months of something close to a Plan B for us and the closer the divorce loomed. We were actually seperated for a year.

ClaireL's new name = Enigma.

When I registered, I was totally out of creativity and imagination (it being soon after DDay.) Now it feels like time for a new name. I will still answer to ClaireL!!