Recovery, Limbo, or what?.

Most of the time my wife and I seem to rub along together ok, as long as I don’t mention anything ‘heavy’. We talk nicely, agree on most things and present a united front when it comes to dealing outside problems. There can be the odd awkward moment, when it gets a bit quiet on a long journey, but even these times are now getting fewer. When we go somewhere pleasant together, free from all the stresses and strains of life, we have a really good time, almost like the good old days. We even share the odd laugh. All this leads me to believe that things are going OK, and we are heading down a road towards us being a proper loving couple again, hopefully, better than before.

Occasionally though, we argue about the affair she had. Her eyes well up and she says she doesn’t know whether she can carry on like this anymore and tells me that she doesn’t know whether she can ever get her feelings back for me. When it argument finally blows over, I’ve usually been for a walk to do some thining and on my return I calmly tell her she is free to leave our marriage anytime. The she tells me she needs time and space (D – day about 3 months ago) and that I backed her into a corner and I keep bringing the affair up. This seems to be worse when something (housework, too much ironing, absolutely anything) has upset her.

Does anyone know which situation reflects her true feelings. Does she know what these feeling are – I certainly don’t and I don’t trust my instincts anymore. Maybe her feelings are constantly changing.

KIT,

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? It describes the kind of confusion your wife is experiencing right now. If you feel as though you have gotten a complete and honest disclosure of the affair, perhaps you might want to shift your focus onto the future. You are in the beginning of the Recovery process and it is a long road. It took my H and I almost two years to reach real intimacy again.....so hunker down.

Star – thanks very much for taking the time to reply It feels like you’r a good friend, even we’ve never met.

I haven’t read the book, but I’ll try to get hold of it without being tumbled – difficult as we still have a joint account. Two years is a long time, but I suppose it must get progressively easier, with the odd setback of course. I’m going to try and step back a bit now, and get on with everyday life. It’s a physiological boost to know we're in recovery though.

We’re in the process of booking a family holiday, suggested by my wife, which is a good thing, I suppose. We do talk about the future and she has a list of jobs for me to do on the house. Sometimes, I think (hope) she reveals more about her feeling subconsciously. The other day I mentioned how ‘I’ intended being supportive of a friend if he had similar problems, and she corrected me saying that ‘we’ would be supporting him.

The trouble starts when I try to pin her down, for some sort of guarantee about the future. Insecurity on my part maybe but probably understandable, under the circumstances.

P.S.
Forgive my grammar - that spell checker is as thick as a plank!

Hi Kit

My wife also had an affair and confessed and left in march. I plan A (like I'm sure your doing) when ever I got the chance. Her affair ended (not her choice) end of May and her reaction was to no-contact me as she said she needed space.

Well after 6 weeks of not talking or seeing her she picked up some mail on the weekend (that I placed in the mail box) and knocked on the door to see how I was doing.

What I'm trying to point out is it takes time for the WS to gain some emotional clarity about whats going on in there life.

hang tough

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KIT:

"The trouble starts when I try to pin her down, for some sort of guarantee about the future. Insecurity on my part maybe but probably understandable, under the circumstances."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could you be more specific on what you mean when you say 'guarantee'?

Sorry it’s taken a while to reply to you.

GoodGuy – I was thinking along the same lines as you, but I hope that when the mist clears she feels in love (with me would be nice) again, rather than the other way. Good luck to you on that score as well.

Coffee – I suppose what I mean by guarantee is that she’ll say (convincingly) that she ‘wants’ to make a go of our marriage, rather than saying she’s prepared to give it a try. I’d like her to say that she’s still here because she’s prepared to put up with the same degree of **** as I feel like I’m doing now, that she’ll stay with me through thick and thin to sort this out, rather than threatening to do a bunk when it gets a bit uncomfortable.

She stands to loose quite a lot in terms of material things if we split. I’d like to know she was still here for the sake of the relationship. I hate the thought of going through all of this hard work, just to have to split at the end of it. I suppose you couldn’t get a better sounding guarantee than your marriage vows, could you!

Lets be honest, I’m looking to have my battered ego boosted by her. It’s down to insecurity on my part. It’s ironic that lack of self esteem has always been a problem for me. I’m working on that to help me with whatever future I have.

It’s just me being daft – ignore it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I’ll try to get hold of it without being tumbled – difficult as we still have a joint account. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why the secrecy? I always recommend reading it together. Not to mention that secrecy is almost always destructive to marriage. See The Policy of Radical Honesty.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I suppose what I mean by guarantee is that she’ll say (convincingly) that she ‘wants’ to make a go of our marriage, rather than saying she’s prepared to give it a try. I’d like her to say that she’s still here because she’s prepared to put up with the same degree of **** as I feel like I’m doing now, that she’ll stay with me through thick and thin to sort this out, rather than threatening to do a bunk when it gets a bit uncomfortable." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From your point of view it is absolutely normal to want this BUT from her POV how can she trust herself to adhere to a vow when she's already broken the original marital vow of foresaking all others? After all she still has feelings for the OM and she doesn't know if those feelings will ever go away. If you read Dr Harley's 'Surviving An Affair', you would remember that Sue did not make any promises to Jon after she decided to work on the marriage, but as time went by, she started to regain her love for Jon until one day she was in love with him again. My point is that until she feels she can trust her feelings, she won't make any promises IMNSHO.

Not to discourage, but to encourage... it can take a very long time for them to unfold again and let you into their life.

They have to detach physically, can get very wrapped up in their lies, and often work very hard at shutting you out of their life emotionally in order to have the affair. When it comes tumbling down... regardless of who ends it... it's all a shambles. It takes time for them to acknowledge their shame, face your questions, build up self-esteem.... whatever.

My h and I are going on 2 years, and little things keep cropping up, and we're plugging away. But at first I asked no questions, he told no lies. I waited him out by detaching, giving him lots of space and finding ways to fill my time without him.

I could write a book on anxiety, depression, crying, weightloss... don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy to live through, but I did. It wasn't easy for him either and we forget that.

Give her LOTS of space, don't pry yet or she may make decisions you will both regret... there will be time later when she's more aware. Keep busy and be happy as well as courteous and accepting right now. Trust me.

Are you in counseling? As the great JustLearning has told me over and over, this is not done by amateurs.

It sounds to me like you guys got something to build on, but the destruction (read scars) of the past are keeping you from fully bonding. Someone like Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers on this site can get you going. Read SAA by Dr. Harley. Also read torn Asunder, by Calder. Get smart.

But your wife needs to get smart also. She has a lot of pent up guilt, anger, etc for what has happened. Some of it was before the affair, and things you did or didnt do. Some is her guilt for having the affair. A professional will guide her through that.

She needs to understand that until she works through all of that, she wont have any love for anyone. So, it is in HER best interest to get into counseling.

Be careful the kind of counseling that you go to. Research it. Make sure that if you dont use the harleys on here, at least use someone that is pro-marriage, that uses the MB concepts. There is a description on this website on how to find a good counselor. If you get a bad one, they may lead you or your wife astray.

If you arent in counseling, get in it now. JL made sure I did. Then my wife did. And it is while we have been in counseling that we have made our biggest gains. She feels a lot more comfortable bringing out these issues in that forum. And it leaves the rest of our week to working on our marriage, without having the constant R talk.

In His arms.

Besides the Harley's there is also Penny Tupy(cerri), our resident MB coach and founder of Save Your Marriage Central who is a pro-marriage counseling professional who is a strong follower of Dr Harley's concepts and principles. Good luck.

Thanks everybody for all your kind and wise words.

I think I’m probably just too close and too insecure to be objective, but it all makes sense when you explain it.

I’m working hard on being a good Hubby. My wife is going through a difficult patch emotionally and I’m trying to be as supportive as possible. I can’t swear to it, but feel maybe we are getting a bit closer to one another.

What about that counseling KIT? Even if you aren't in the states, it's easy to arrange the phone counseling....I was in Venezuela when I did mine. Just checking up on you to see how it's going. And John is right....the book will benefit your wife as much as you....so please share it.