Also posted on Recovery board, would like Star*fish and Orchid to see.

Hi everyone. I'm pretty new to MB and have previously posted a few times on the General board.
Yesterday I was going to post about how to get H to understand the need for NC and a NC letter. I've been trying to get H to go NC since DDay (2 Sept 02.) The contact is infrequent and in the form of text messages and phone calls. H has been emotionally supportive of her, and it has been a real trial for me. H never tells me when she makes contact because he thinks he's protecting me. I'd tried explaining the need for honesty, but wasn't making much progress. I didn't get around to posting. We had a pretty bad day. I was suspicious of an upcoming golf trip and checked the mobile. Sure enough there was contact! They were going to meet in London.
I've been in Plan A since finding MB.
Needless to say I was devastated and gave him an ultimatum - me or OW, NO cake eating allowed. I did not LB, I was rational and calm - for the first time I felt in control over my emotions in a situation like this. Previously I always cried and performed and demanded. This time I just stated the facts.
Last night we had a really good chat, albeit in a slightly icy atmosphere! He asked what I needed from him in order for us to move on. He loves me, he loves his family and doesn't want to loose us. He feels tremendous guilt over the A, but finds it hard to ignore her calls for help.
Boy, was that the opportunity I was waiting for!! I spelled it out - loud and clear. OW is to be OUT of our lives forever - NO contact AT ALL in any way, shape or form. I want him to write her a letter and I want to see it. Then I want him to follow through with it. Every single time there has been contact I have become suspicious and checked and found proof. He is totally amazed by this, says he doesn't know how I know. Woman's intuition - a wonderful gift! I told him that I can probably pick up his guilt.
First thing this morning I had a call from H asking if I'd got "it." I checked e-mail and sure enough, there it was - a brief, unemotional request for no more contact by any means ever again, no support, no friendship. Time to move on.
So, thank you to MB. I hope we can now truly move into recovery.
To be honest I was a little sad that he wrote I love my family and not I love my wife, but I'm so thankful that he has at last admitted to himself that he needs to take some concrete steps. I know the "little things" will come back in time.
Tonight he will call his golfing buddy in my presence to discuss arrangements for the golfing weekend. This guy used to work with H and OW, but nobody knew about their A. OW had asked friend about H, who'd said he'd be seeing H for golf! So, OW called, and I felt like we were back to square one. I don't mind the golf, it's OW I object to and H's thinking it would be okay to have coffee with her! I've explained the addiction thing to him. I've also explained that I feel like a doormat when he does this sort of thing and that he should treat me with respect.... and I think I've finally got through to him. He was upset that I felt he was disrespectful, but admitted that he was.
We've come a long way and there's a long way to go, but we're going in the right direction at long last.
Thank you for reading, I just needed to share what is a really big deal in my life!

Jackie......THERE IS A GOD!!!!

Good for you! I cannot tell you how pleased I am to hear this. Thank goodness that you realized that Plan A means confrontation and NOT acceptance of the affair or doormathood. You did just right!!!

This is a major step in what will be a hard road back to recovery....and there may be some rocky times ahead, but bask in the sunshine of this victory today....you deserve it.

Please begin to practice the Four Rules of a Successful Marriage....time, care, protection and honesty. Get the time in!!! It's one of the most important aspects, because it allows you the opportunity to work on everything else.

I've got a great big smile on my face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh Star*fish! YES, THERE IS!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

THANK YOU for reading , for the advice (now and in the past.) I am on quite a high today - woke up feeling normal. Even the fact that I have a flat tyre to deal with is not getting me down.
I know it's not all plain sailing from here, and so does H, but last night we were able to be NORMAL. I said something seems different about him, and he says he's grown up and he's seeing things differently.
We've both learned through this experience. All I can say is thank God I didn't go through the worst experience of my life, SO much pain, for nothing.
I am feeling really pleased about how I handled things, and it is amazing how he responded. I think he got a BIG fright, realised I was serious because I was so calm. That probably scared him the most!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
He said that I'd been smothering him, so I've backed off - no cuddling, kissing, etc. I thought it would take weeks to get back to the great SF we've been having. No way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I said "Goodnight". 2 minutes later .... GREAT, tender, loving ....SF! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I will take your advice about the 4 rules - they make so much sense. Thanks again.
I think Orchid must be on holiday - lucky lady!

Jackie!!!!

Hey there, good to hear from you and glad to see progress. While this is what you have been waiting for, just be careful. I don't want to burst your bubble but be glad with caution.

Know that he may have a few more setbacks. His coming back to his family will not be without setbacks. He has to earn his way back. He left a very valuable piece of his life and he can't just pick up where he left off. You and your family deserve better.

Don't jump on the ILY's too much as he mentioned about the smothering, mine did also. He is now 'tasked' to do the 'smothering'.... LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care, I am quite happy for both of you.

Slow and steady.

Remember love takes time.

L.

Orchid, Thanks and I hear you. I have learned so much here at MB, mostly from reading what others are doing/going through - it would be stupid to blow it now.