My wife is a beautiful woman who would be stunningly beautiful if she would take care of herself..... We are still married though seperated in a big way. I'm living in a studio which is seperate from the main part of her house. I am not seeing anyone else nor do I have any desire to until we settle our relationship.

Even though she is a beautiful woman this separation has certainly been a big hit to her self esteem. If you can show her the above 3 (attention, affection, and appreciation) on a daily basis, she just might become motivated to do what is in her best interests.

There is no doubt that I emotionally withdrew as my wife gained weight, which, in turn of course, re-enforced her eating behaviors. It's been a deadly cycle.

It's not too late to start making emotional deposits in her love bank once more.

My struggle is this - my wife is my good friend who I want the best for and I know she wants the best for me. 25 years of behavior (actually longer because she struggled with this as a child) says that things are not going to be much different. At least, experience seems to indicate that people do not change that radically. Her lifestyle has not been active since before our marriage. Her support friends are all significantly overweight. She won't join a group or seek counseling to work at her problem. In the past, she has joined weight loss groups but has quit as soon as experiencing some success...... I was with another woman. It wasn't the right time to do that but I learned much from it. She weighed 140 pounds less than my wife. That felt very comfortable for me. And it wasn't just pure physical attraction. This woman enjoyed running, hiking, kayaking - all the physical activities I enjoy and was doing by myself before I met her. It felt very connecting in a way that I don't feel by doing those things with "the guys." I have an emotional need to connect that way..... My wife wants me to give her yet another year to work on herself. That she's serious this time. But she has always told me that. Some people who know us both suggest we get divorced and if some how who we really are brings us back together then it will be right. Just the fact that I am a workout kind of guy puts a lot of pressure on her. Maybe she is better off finding a different guy who doesn't have the needs I have.

What do you have to loose if you give her the one year she has requested of you?

I'm feeling how precious lost years are. For both me and her. We don't know how many years we have left and do I just want to continue doing the same thing when there doesn't seem to be any real signs of change?

What is it that you seek from us? If you want to rebuild your marriage we can offer you support and some guidance but if you've lost hope in your marriage then there is very little that we can do for you.

Fourteen years ago, just before we conceived our second child I told her I was not happy with our relationship regarding these same issues. She agreed that we needed help but convinced me to have another child with her with the understanding that she would seek help with her eating disorder. She said she would do whatever it took to get things under control. But she never did. I felt very betrayed.

I guess what I'm looking for is someone who has experienced a similiar situation. How they handled it and what sort of outcome there was. I've found nothing specifically about my particular situation in any reading or discussions.

Most couple situations are that the man is bigger than the woman. Or couples tend to "grow" together. Our situation seems very unique. As the years have gone by I have gotten in much better shape physically than I was 25 years ago while my wife has gone to extremes in the opposite. It's polorized us and I haven't come across this problem with any other couples. Does anyone know of a similiar situation?

Surge,

When I was with my X at first I was a size 7 after the birth of our first daughter I had a hard time losing the weight. It was devastating to my self esteem when he would make comments about my weight. Then one year he told me that he didn't know how much longer we could be married I went numb I felt like I was just a body and nothing else about me mattered. He told me before I was his best friend, I was a great person, great mother, funny, outgoing, etc but my weight wasn't fair to him because he didn't have the wife he wanted OUCH.

I thought we took vows of for better for worse, in sickness and health. The more I thought about what he said the more it hurt the more I shut down emotionally to him. It's amazing when I was at work the men that started flirty with me, it's like they could sense something wrong at home (no I wasn't saying anything or provoking it). I started going for a walks with my friend 3x a week and started to lose weight and then I started to really resent my x, we worked opposite shifts so that made it harder on us too.

All out of nowhere he was sorry and couldn't believe he was so cruel. We worked on our marriage and then I got pregnant with our second daughter. This time the weight was even harder to get off he was working lots of overtime, I had no time for myself at all. He met OW he denied anything was going on for along time, I knew better but when he moved out I lost lots of weight I started working and I also had a house to myself and a life for the first time.

I might have been able to get him back from the OW but I didn't know how, I let him go and figured I would get on with life. I knew he still loved me but yet didn't know what he wanted. I wasn't waiting around. A year after he was gone I started to date a guy that was wonderful to me (YES, I know that was way wrong, live and learn).
I am now married to that man and we have had a son, I found out 2 years I have a medical reason why I have so much trouble with my weight. Do you think I wanted to look this way NOWAY, do you think I wanted to lose my husband NOWAY but what kind of a man is he that he couldn't keep his vows to me and be by my side?

To lose weight dose help the many conditions I have but when you have PCOS it's hard, that's why now I'm am going to go for the gastric bypass surgery. I'm tired of looking like this and feeling this way. My husband now is supportive of me no matter what.

Maybe your wife needs help, maybe she needs someone to help her get started and to be accountable (not you). There are 3 times in a woman's life when weight problems can surface puberty, pregnancy, menopause.

I lost an aunt to obesity at the age of 55 I refuse to be like that.

I hope you and your wife can find away to work out your marriage and her get healthier.

Good luck and God bless

the ironic thing is my x gained 45 pounds a year after he left me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
my husband now is only an inch taller than I am and his frame is small. It is a stereotype that the man has to be bigger than his mate

you know what I have a friend that is a psycologist and mentioned to me a friend of ours had been a victim in many things in her life and that her weight is one more way of being the victim. She's never dealt with the abuse in her life. Maybe that is what is happening to your wife?

<small>[ July 22, 2003, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: Purpleroses ]</small>

Surge,

Order His Needs/Her Needs from this website bookstore. It explains very well Harley's definition of emotional needs. There is also a "Questionnaires" tab on this website that will allow you to download the emotional needs questionnaire & Love Buster questionnaire.

Dr. Harley has had to defend his view that "physically attractive mate" was an important emotional need. He explains his position well in this book.

People tend to get bent out of shape about that particular need because it's one of the ones that seems more personal than others, so I'm not surprised at some of the responses. But in reality, I feel that it's just another typical emotional need.

To get you started in the right direction you should order the book; and while you are waiting download the questionnaire (3) copies. One you will fill out for yourself. One you will fill out as though you were your wife. The third one, ask your wife to fill out.

I know you will gain important insight if you do these things. I'm also hearing from you another important need is what Harley calls recreational companionship. With her weight issue and your interests in physical fitness, it's doubtful that you share much in common in recreational companionship. The Harleys feel RC is one of the most important emotional needs to be met.

Hope this helps. I too have an illness similar to Lor, which scared me into better physical shape. My quality of life depends on how well I take care of my joints - the less weight the better. So last January I started at the gym and workout three times a week; in addition I walk 3 miles a day. I feel and look great compared to how I looked and felt before.

Spend your time now working on you by reading the book, filling out the questionnaires and reading this website. It will help guide you when it comes time to make important decisions. Blessings, CSue

My wife does have a victim mentality and it think it may stem from her molestation as a child. It was never dealt with.......

I've experienced a lot of anger and misunderstandings from others about my feelings concerning my wife. Many seem to feel it shallow on my part. And I feel guilt because I do care for her as a person. But the needs I've expressed are very real for me. I'll check out the writings mentioned.

The RC I experienced with the woman I met was SO connecting. It is a very important thing, at least to me.

Surge, I have gained weight and I want to take charge and lose it. But I keep running into a brick wall...the wall being depression.

Doc finally perscribed an anti-depressant and it has worked wonders for me to help me with losing weight. Also as a suggestion, what about a 'date' with your wife where you both work out? Find healthy recipes that you can make together.

I understand your EN as I believe my H has the same need.

Surge,

You said a key word "connecting". Whew that's what it's all about in my opinion. And if RC is important to you (extremely important to my H too), then it needs to be addressed.

Whew, I'm going to get busted for this; but regardless of whether you stay in this marriage or not - there's so much great information in MB on how YOU can learn to be a better mate.

And personally I think you've shown some courage for just being here! CSue

My wife has taken Zoloft for anxiety and panic attacks. Doesn't seem to help that much.

I agree with LupoLady. I think its reasonable for Surge to want his wife to meet his EN of Physical Attractiveness. READ Chapter in HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS about how important this is to men. She is being selfish if she does not consider the importance of this to him if he has communicated this to her in a sensitive manner. It is life-threatening for her to be that overweight and it is not loving of him to be accepting and tolerant of what is called MORBID OBESITY. It is as bad for you as cigarette smoking. It can't be assumed that her weight problem is due to a medical condition. She could be overeating, like an alcoholic.