Also, before we were married, I was very honest and open with my wife-to-be about my EN concerning this subject. She understood my feelings and said that worked for her. Now she tells me that at that time it actually DIDN'T feel right for her. But she did not express that at the time and married me knowing my truth. That's contributed to me feeling very resentful about this with her.

This is my struggle with waiting yet another year for my wife to take charge of her life. She says things with what I believe are good intentions but are never followed through. She is like an alcoholic . It's difficult to believe her anymore.

Surge,

I understand your resentment because it sounds like you have been open and honest with your wife about your needs.

Although I am a woman, as you can tell, this is also high on my ENs list. My WS is thin, works out and is very attractive. His OW is gaining weight now and is probably not aware of the importance of this EN to him as well.

There are effective weight loss programs that your wife can try such as Weight Watchers. You might suggest this to her. Also, she could start working out with you, even going on walks which would provide recreational companionship, an additional emotional need. To me, your assistance in her weight loss would be loving because she is at high risk for chronic diseases which are such as diabetes and a heart condition.

According to Steve Harley whom I've counseled with, there's no such thing as unconditional love. We cannot be expected to accept our spouses just as they are. We both have to work on being caring in the R.

Just want to let you know that I really understand your position and it is not inconsistent with the MB principles.

<small>[ July 23, 2003, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Her pattern is to join a program, lose 20 pounds, quit the program and immediately put the weight back on. We do walk together but she won't do it consistently enough.

surge,

This time last year I was tipping the scale at almost 300 lbs. I'm 5'2. Nuff said. Now, I', down to 135-140.

The cahnges that I made were more of a lifestyle change instead of dieting. Here's the trick. I HAD HELP. I solicited the help of people in my life who were where I wanted to be physically. NO... I don't mean that I worked out with those people. They were there to encourage me, take me shopping and make me feel good about who I was already... yes, even at 300 lbs. When I was able to appreciate myself at 300 lbs., I ahd learned to respect myself physically and get excited about who I could be.

Ex: wow... this top looks great on me.... the jeans would look a lot better if I could drop about 10 lbs.

The point is... I had the kind of encouragement that assured me that I was already beautiful. Just not very healthy. Believing that it's all about the weight can be very demotivating.

I know you said she has medical problems and I can identify with the child abuse. But what your wife needs right now is for you to appreciate her for her. There must be some lingering admirable physical attributes that you still admire... hair, skin, eyes... tell her that... and don't top it off with..."now if you could only drop X lbs...." In corporate her into YOUR healthy lifestyle. When I say that, it doesn't mean sign up to be her boot camp instructor. Get her out of the house... try healthier dishes at restaraunts you stop at. Shopping for funiture, cars, or just having sex can burn quite a few calories. I mean if your W was in a wheelchair recovering from a stroke, you wouldn't say "get out of that chair you slob..."

Just accept her. Appreciate her. HELP her. And she'll want to build on that for herself and for you, too.

Finally surge, I UNDERSTAND. You have every right to want an attractive and more importantly HEALTHY wife. Just don't make it about her vs. you. Help her. Don't let your frustration with the situation cloud your view about who she really is... the beautiful woman you married. She's still in there, ya know.

You're right. My wife does need my support.But she also has to be willing to take the steps to turn her life around. She tells me she needs counseling but won't make the appointment. She won't seek the support of others experiencing the same problems. She says she will work on this on her own, by herself. And that has never worked. I believe there is some huge fear in her that she just can't bring herself to face.

All,

Just a thought that has been bothering me in Surge's situation. It's that we're encouraging Surge to try to get his wife to "change".

We all know that you can't change someone else. You can only make changes in yourself. Until his wife is ready, she's not going to do anything differently.

Surge could do all of the things we've all suggested, but it's probable that his wife's abuse issues undermine her efforts to lose weight. Personally I think that until she resolves the old stuff, not much else is going to change.

Surge is responsbible for being open & honest about communicating to her how he feels about his ENs and LBs. Blessings CSue

Have orderd the "Needs" book and am looking forward to receiving it. My EN's have always been trivialized by my wife as less than "important" EN's when the truth is that they just aren't her particular ones...... I haven't had any contact with the woman I had a relationship with but I have to be honest and say that I terribly miss the recreational time we spent together. She met the EN's that were and are lacking in my marriage. And this has been very difficult for my wife knowing that I was with a woman who did provide this.

Surge I suggest that you give her another year like she requested because during that year you can do everything on your side to meet her needs and become a better husband and father. But give her a realistic goal to shoot for like 40 pounds (approximately .75 lbs a week), become her workout buddy and celebrate her achievements.

<small>[ July 24, 2003, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

One of the biggest problems I'm experiencing since being back is a total lack of sexual attraction for her. I don't have any desire to have sex with her. She still has a great desire for me physically so we have very polarized feelings about this which leads to a lot of sexual tension.

surge,


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But she also has to be willing to take the steps to turn her life around. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree. And she may or may not do this. One of the things that might ease your frustration and be in a better position to help is understanding
that this takes some pretty scary self discovery. She knows this is not about simply breaking a bad habit. It runs so much deeper. For example it was pretty humiliating to realize that I ate as a way of dealing with issues about not being desireable and to "give" myself a drama because I was bored without one. Do you know how hard that is to face? You end up having to admit things to yourself that you would NEVER admit to anyone else. It's frightening and she has to be ready for that. HELP her by preparing the surface. Assure her that she is still special to you or you wouldn't have come back. And remind her that you came back even with the weight. It may be getting ion the way of a few things, but not so much that it would keep you away. When she sees that you can be real with her and still love her, it might encourage her to be real with herself. She may open herself up to that discovery necessary to start the process.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by surge:
One of the biggest problems I'm experiencing since being back is a total lack of sexual attraction for her. I don't have any desire to have sex with her. She still has a great desire for me physically so we have very polarized feelings about this which leads to a lot of sexual tension.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Consider telling her the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"The day we make love, I want it to be a celebration of life, NOT the last wish of a dying person."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Had one of our best discussions ever together last night with my wife. We looked over Dr. Harley's concepts and they really hit home for the both of us....... The weight issues are very complex for her. Her brother called her "fat thing" growing up. Her dad called her "you big oaf". There was her molester who told her "she wanted it". I came along as an unaggresive, nice kind of guy who seemed to accept her for who she was. But when she became aware that physical need was one of my big needs it threw her off. She didn't express it to me, kept it to herself and just ate. It felt to her that I was just "another one of them" from her past. She wasn't looking at it as one of my needs, but, rather, as her failure in life.

surge, you are a very patient, loving husband to take so much time and trouble to make sure she understands your feelings about this. My last H, of 20 years, didn't have the nerve to tell me and just abruptly left. I ignored his pleas for years out of sheer arrogance and the belief that he should just "love me unconditionally." What silly rot. I assure you I would not have loved him "unconditionally" if he did not meet my needs.

I know many 40+ women who have lost their husbands because they ignored their H's PA need. And I also know many males who have been verbally assaulted for daring to express this need. Anyone who bashes a male for this does not understand how males think. They are very visual and are hardwired that way. There is nothing "shallow" about it.

That being said, you can't imagine how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off after 40. I tried every diet known to mankind and never had any luck until I tried a low carb diet. I did lose all of my weight and have been in great shape since 1999. My bodyfat is now at 19.6%.[better shape at 45 than I was at 25] I also work out 5X a week, weightlifting and cardio. I lost all of my weight on the Atkins diet and have kept stayed on the diet for the past 4.5 years in the maintenence phase. I could not lose on any other diets nor could I maintain because I was hungry ALL THE TIME. On this diet, you are NEVER hungry. Studies have also shown that you can lose double the weight at twice the calories on this diet. Anyway, its something you might suggest.

Maybe this is not clear thinking on my part but I feel like my wife has had an emotional affair with food our entire marriage. This is where my lack of trust and willingness to wait yet another year comes in - she's made promises over and over that she'll get things under control but can't stop herself. I find the hidden food wrappers almost like it's a motel receipt. This all probably sounds a little dramatic on my part but it does feel like food is her lover that she can't give up. It's like I need to know she's making a committment to me in order to let my walls down. I don't trust her because she's never given me anything to trust with this.

surge, she is probably hiding the wrappers because she feels defensive about it and because she CRAVES sweets. Does she want to lose the weight?

Another thing I should tell you. Junkfood like sugar causes physical cravings and I wonder if that is what she is fighting here? [studies prove this fact] That is one of the biggest reasons I could not lose weight. As long as I was eating sugar, I would never have control of my eating. I would yo-yo out of the kitchen all night and I wasn't even hungry. When you don't have that stuff, you don't miss it and you no longer have to deal with the cravings. You are in control of your eating.

But that is all beside the point if she has not bought into weight loss. Are you giving her an atmosphere where she can be open about it or is there a huge threat hanging over her head? Does she realize that you are not willing to wait a year?

When I was a kid I used to love junk food and my mother realized that I was addicted to the stuff (which I was). She tried pleading, threatening, bribery, humiliation, etc but nothing seemed to work, that is until one day an old aunt of mine came over to visit us for two weeks. The old lady asked my mom if she would give her a chance to see if she could turn me around, and my mom said to her 'go right ahead'(the poor woman had given up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ). To make a long story short, my aunt gave me all the junk food I could possibly want 24/7 (my mom protested at first but gave in once she realized what my aunt had in mind) and nothing but junk food. Oh, and healthy foods like fruits, milk, meats were strictly forbidden from my menu. After the first 5 days I couldn't stand the sight of another cookie, cake, ice cream, candy bar, etc, and I literally begged my aunt to please not to give me anymore junk food. To this day, every time I eat a cookie, a piece of cake, or a candy bar, my enjoyment is marred by bad memories of those 5 days of my childhood and most of the time I end up not finishing it.

How does this apply to your situation? Use your imagination.

She's always wanted to lose weight and has the educational, financial, and time opportunities to do such. I believe this is entirely about emotions for her. She soothes her emotions with food and until she learns to cope another way I think she'll fall back to this....... She is supposedly doing Atkins for the last 10 weeks. Lost 12 pounds the first 3 weeks but has hovered at that point for the last 7 weeks........ Yes, I believe there probably is a lot of pressure on her because she does know I am having trouble waiting for some significant change. And, yes, I do have to contribute to this relationship fix. But she has to take the responsibility to do what she wants to do.

surge, send her over to www.lowcarbfriends.com to the Main Lobby. We can help her get through her weight loss stall. If she posts a thread saying she is stalled, she will get LOTS of help from successful dieters. And it will help her stick with it by being around others who have been successful. Can you point her over there?

She might be soothing her emotions with food. Carb gorging causes a massive release of serotonin and that is one of the reasons people get addicted to junk food. However, if she has gone 12 weeks without junk food, she should be through withdrawal. The trick now is to get her over the stall and get her some support to stick with it. Stalling will cause her to backslide more than anything and they are EASY to resolve!

Do you know if she is eating low carb protein bars or low carb candy? They are the #1 cause of stalls.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>When I was a kid I used to love junk food and my mother realized that I was addicted to the stuff (which I was). She tried pleading, threatening, bribery, humiliation, etc but nothing seemed to work, .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you were my boy, it would have been MR. PADDLE!! End of story! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />