Hi,

Wondering if anyone here has SA experience/insight to impart for me. My H and I are in Recovery......he is completely willing to do what it takes to end the phone sex thing......but new to recovery.

Id be interested to hear from those who are addicts or S's of addicts........what helps, what can I expect in terms of SF with my H, how do I know about relapsing, etc....

Any insight would be extremely helpful to me.....thank you in advance!!!

Roberta

I'm not going to be much help. My ex had 5 EA in 10 months, had me convinced to 'swing'...in the end I couldn't handle the lack of trust so we divorced.

Current H seems addicted to porn. Still trying to see where we are going.

Just wanted to let you know I understand what you are going through. Wish I had some sound advise.

Roberta,
Go up to Just Found Out and post your questions about Sexual Addiction in one of Cerri's threads. She is presently doing research on the subject and could help you get going in the right direction.
Yup, been there, actually, my H is still there. too confusing.
Hang in there.
2nd

Hi Roberta,
We're alomst at 1 year past the first d-day: the day I packed his bags and told him to leave. Extensive porn, very young girls. I had caught him several times over the years, but he always assured me it was no big deal, and that he'd stop (caught= knew he did it, I didnt know the content).

He started counceling a couple of weeks past d-day, for about 6mo with a counceler who specialized in sexual addictions. I think that did the most for me being able to start to trust him again; that he willingly went to counceling, and took me with him on a few occasions.

He talked very openly about it. His councelor said he couldnt tell me about their private sessions, he could say the my H was very sincere in his recovery.

I still look for clues that he's doing it again. I wonder when that will end. I have to remember his words, 'I'll never hurt you like that again, it will never happen again. I'd do anything to take away your pain'. I truly wanted to die.

He's promised to call his councelor the instant he even thinks about doing it, long before he's in front of a computer.

The Dr. said that we shouldnt be paranoid about the 'relaspe monkey'. Books I've read suggest a 20% relaspe rate. At H's last session, Dr. said that after 6mo of therapy with no hints of relaspe, chances are pretty good he's not going to.

But, Dr. said, we should always need to keep aware of situations that got H started in all of this in the first place.

In H's case, it was H's horrible former marriage, and him thinking porn was a safe outlet for not having sex with his wife. With internet porn, it's easy to get into stuff one wouldnt, otherwise. The 'Worse' it is, the better, and my H really found the worst.

So you may want to keep an eye out for stressful or boring patterns, whichever was is 'excuse'.

H gave full accounts of computer use, said he wanted me to check whenever I wanted, and to ask anytime I was worried. I told him I didnt want to check, that it made me feel awful, but secretly did it, anyway.

Lots of SAA type programs recommend 'Group' counceling, but my H is a quiet guy, so personal counceling is what we decieded on.

If your H is really willing to do what it takes, I'd insist on some counceling (not a 'family' therapist, either... someone who know about sexual addictions and problems).

Also, some for yourself, also. I can actually step back now, and see that this is about H, not about me being a unacceptable wife and lover.

I had to get 'out' of MB for a while. Even though my H was doing great, extra strides meeting my EN and accountability, reading MB would sometimes bring me down, I'd come home depressed for no other reason than reading these stories. Others on MB have make this comment.

If you like, do a search on my previous posts. They are all on this subject. I wont dredge it all up again, I've come too far to start wallowing again. But, I wallowed for a while, something you have to get through, I guess.

How long has it been since d-day, and what exactly has he done outside of talking to you about this situation?

I wish you the best. Please feel better about yourself (you didnt say you felt bad, but I remember those days)! It's hardly ever about the wife, it's immature acting out, or a hundred other things, but not you. This happened due to HIS lack of character and morals. With some counceling, maybe he can find them. - Dru

Hi Bikermom,

Thank you so much for your reply.....it's nice to know I'm not alone in this. In fact, it is beginning to feel all too common a problem with men of all types. I was married almost 20 years to a man who, to this day, is still very addicted to porn. Now my current h of 10 months likes phone sex..........I told our MC, "well here it is again! I thought I had finally left that behind!" He explained that it is extremely common. I hope your H is facing some of this.....for your sake and for your M.

Hi 2ndfiddle...........I appreciate your sending me in Cheri's direction......I will do that! Also, I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this too! How are things going with your H around this???

Drucilla,

Boy, it's nice to read a recovery story <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have a very strong feeling from the way things are unfolding right now, that we will be able to say the same.....but we are in the early phases of my H's recovery......He will be seeing our MC for IC to do the accountability thing. Our MC seems to be highly skilled in the dynamics of this addiction and I have faith in him so far.

It was May 13th of this year that I walked in on him making a call to someone.......So far, we have had 3 MC sessions in which some of the reasons for the acting out have been explored......loneliness, stress, feeling unworthy. When our MC gets back from vacation, my H will begin some IC sessions for accountability and to work on the deeper issues involved with my H.

Our MC framed this problem as immmature, "little boy" ways of handling life's pressures.....Noted the committment my H has made by getting married to me, and has helped us with intimacy.

I've realized this problem pre-dated me by years...that helps in the self-confidence department.

Thanks so much for your support and insight,

Roberta

Hi Roberta,

I cant tell you how happy I was to read that you both are in counceling. You're just two months into recovery, I'd say you are where you should be: hopeful, but cautious.

My H's problem pre-dated me by years, too. But somehow, I thought that was just as bad. I told him, 'you SOB, you KNEW you were a FREAK and a Pedophile, and you still let me marry you!'.

Something that struck a cord was the 'little boy' comment in your response. I knew my H wasnt the most mature guy on the block. I mean, he always had a good job, not an alcoholic or anything like that. But things like he always wanted to spend free money on 'toys': vcr's, electronic gadgets, car accessories, you know fun stuff for him. I always had to remind him about the bills and other responsibilites. He always wanted to get away and play for the weekend, and blowoff other responsibilities. He was sweet and nice, just not too mature. Me, I'm superwoman, just what Mr. Immature needed, someone to pay the bills and keep track of everything so he could play.

Makes me think, this is just a joke on me, if I'd picked a more mature guy, this wouldnt have 'happened to me'. See, all that counceling, I'm still blaming myself.

Be careful out there! - Dru

Hi Drucilla,

It's so EASY to blame oneself.....I do that off and on to some degree.

My h is a little bit different than yours in some ways.....he is super responsible, a perfectionist, likes to do things the "right way"......and has some issues around being a "little boy" with his sexuality. He has this thing where he splits "good" and "bad"...."dark side" and "false self".......don't know if that makes any sense....it's just what I'm finding out about him.....sex is Bad, so hide it, Love is good, so show it....His w is good, so respect her at all times and put her on a pedestal, Women he calls are bad, so they are disrespected.

He feels very unworthy inside. Our MC suggested that you can do things to punish yourself.......like having a dark side and acting out the bad part of yourself.......heady stuff!!

I don't know about your H, but mine tries to run from the present.....always future-oriented......our MC is working with him to learn to calm himself, reconnect with himself, and stop running!

thanks for your helpful thoughts..........I appreciate it.

And I can relate to the self-confidence thing...it's there in my too. I have to remind myself again and again, it's not about me. I'm worthy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Roberta