I recently found out my H is(was?) having an emotional affair with a married coworker. They work for the same company, but at different locations about 2000 miles apart so they weren't meeting day to day. I, like alot of BS's, discovered this affair through a series of intimate emails that I found both printed out in my H's briefcase and on his computer. I also discovered several long-distance phone charges on both our home phone and cell phone. Add to that the numerous hang-up calls I was getting for a while and it all came together.

My feeling is that the A began this past spring when they were both at a company conference. I discovered throught the emails that while at this conference they shared a romantic kiss.

The relationship progressed via phone calls and the e-mails post conference and they had made plans for a clandestine meeting later this summer while she is in town.

I am convinced that they had planned to take their relationship to the next level at this meeting and it makes me heartsick just thinking about it.

E-mails in hand, I had "the big confrontation" with my H. He admitted to the kiss, saying they both regretted it, and proceeded to downplay the relationship telling me that he likes her as a person and simply wanted to become friends with her. An old story, I know...

When I asked him about their planned secret outing, he told me he didn't tell me because I'm the "jealous type" (which, by the way, I am not) and I wouldn't have liked it. Ultimately he agreed he wouldn't see her outside of work, but I am having a hard time believing him.

Bottom line-I think I may have prevented this relationship from going further, but I still don't trust him since he won't own up to more than being "just friends" with this woman. Additionally, I shudder to think of what would have happened if I never came across the evidence.

I know many people advise against it, but I sent the OW a note telling her that I was aware of her, of what had occurred and of what they had planned. It was actually very good-clear and to the point without any craziness, but I haven't heard, nor do I expect to, hear from her.

As the date of her business trip here draws near I find myself become increasingly anxious and wonder if there is something I can do to reiterate what I put in the note I sent her. (As far as cutting off the realtionship goes, I mean.) I only have my H's word that he will not see her outside the office and frankly, I don't trust him one little bit at this time.

Thanks for your help-
Bronwen

Welcome, how did you find us?

Good work Bronwen, so far. Sending the OW the note puts her on notice. Still, how CAN you trust your husband? Well, you can't.

Is it an option for you to travel with your H on his business trip? Your presence could put a real crimp in their EA.

No? Then, what are you going to do? Have you read Plan A/Plan B, and How Affairs Must End?

Finding out your spouse has been keeping a relationship on the side is one of the worst stressors you can have.

Oh, and that stuff about "I knew you wouldn't like it" and "I knew you wouldn't understand"

You can fertilize the roses with that.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks for the quick reply Belle! I have been down the NC road with my H, but they work together so it's impossible for that to occur 100%. I accept that fact and made it clear to both OW and H that I want NC other than work-related matters.

My pressing problem is this future business meeting where the OW will be traveling here for one week. They will have many opportunities (Lunch hours/ after work etc.) where they can get together should they be so inclined. H has assured me that they will keep it professional, but my mind keeps going back to what I read in those e-mails about how they were going to secretly meet one of the Saturday's that she's here as well as one night during the week. She alluded to a "special way to start the day" and it infuriates me.

I hope she's decent enough to see that this is wrong and not to pursue him, but I kind of doubt that anyone who would go this far would have any morals. There was clearly a plan in place.

I am trying to deal with my H and our issues as well. I realize that our problems are more important(to us at least) than this pathetic leech of a woman, but I truly can't trust him 100%. I want to believe him, but unless he totally fesses up and makes amends and professes absolute remorse I won't be able to relax.

This is such a terrible situation to be in. I feel like I'm running in ten different directions at once.

Hi, and welcome to our Board. Sorry you have found yourself here.

While not a Board veteran, I have been thru this twice, and am an MB'er since September.

Don't know how familiar you are with the MB concepts, but please take some time to read, read, read. In addition, I highly recommend ordering a copy of Surviving An Affair (go to the Bookstore on the MB site). Among the physical affairs, it has a story of an emotional affair as well.

For the record, my H and I are in counseling with Jennifer Harley. Now, here are some things you need to know:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been down the NC road with my H, but they work together so it's impossible for that to occur 100%. I accept that fact and made it clear to both OW and H that I want NC other than work-related matters.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unacceptable. I heard the same words from my husband as well. Need I say it again? UNACCEPTABLE! We have been counseled, you will read, it must be totally No Contact. There are no excuses at all. I don't care what the working relationship is. He can get transferred to another division; he can do whatever it takes to guarantee there is no opportunity for them to have to have any interaction whatsoever. Even if it requires him to change jobs. You should not accept this, nor should you settle for the excuse that it is "just work-related." Just too, too dangerous!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
My pressing problem is this future business meeting where the OW will be traveling here for one week. They will have many opportunities (Lunch hours/ after work etc.) where they can get together should they be so inclined.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You betcha it's a pressing problem. OK, let's accept the fact she will be here. Now what can you and H do? Number one, he can meet you every day for lunch, instead of having "business" lunches with her; I would insist on it.

If you cannot accompany him to this conference, then he needs to provide you with a complete, very specific itinerary/schedule of where he will be, and with whom, every hour of the day. He should be reachable at any given moment should you care to get in touch with him.

After work? No way! We have been advised that any meeting after working hours with a member(s) of the opposite sex is off-limits. He should say, "I'll be glad to meet you for dinner to discuss our project, but I will bring my W along; that is just my personal policy." No further explanations necessary.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H has assured me that they will keep it professional</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sadly, many of us have been there. Sorry, but the WS cannot be trusted to keep anything "professional" once there is even the beginning of a connection there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope she's decent enough to see that this is wrong and not to pursue him, but I kind of doubt that anyone who would go this far would have any morals.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We all hope, but you know what? If she/he has gone this far, there's no telling where it would/could lead.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is such a terrible situation to be in. I feel like I'm running in ten different directions at once.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, a terrible situation, and one any one of us on this board would give our eye tooth (teeth - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) to undo, but we can't. History is history. Now, let's go forward, let's put in place the steps necessary to rebuild and rekindle.

You're among friends. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.