Ok. I know that MB clearly states that one of the steps is to EXPOSE spouses affair to everyone. This should bring shame to husband. BUT.....

I've ordered the book "How God Can And Will Restore Your Marriage" from RestoreMinistries and Erin says on there that we are NOT to talk to anyone about our husband's sins (adultery). I understand this 'cause I do believe this would make my husband's wanting to come back harder. I'd be creating an environment that he wouldn't stand. He already doesn't want to go to church 'cause he doesn't want people asking him "questions".

But how is exposing it really supposed to help? Does it depend on the person?

I'd like to know what you guys think about both, exposing and not exposing.

H98

Exposing removes the veil of secrecy. Removes the mystery of the A which IMHO is one of the greatest things that fuel the A. I mean really if you could find someone who believed you were exciting and intriguing 24/7, like a novel or soap opera star, won't you want to keep that person around? In the daily soaps ever see them do normal things? No, it is all drama.

Exposing causes drama but removes a good portion of the fantasy and empowers the BS.

IMHO,
L.

I agreed not to expose my wife's A because she was so ashamed. If there is something to gain, like ending the A, then expose. My wife chose to tell me, and was just about as devastated as I was. Where is the benefit of exposing this to her friends, family, etc? It was important to our healing that it was kept to ourselves and counselors. Plus, I did not want to have people gossiping about us, and spreading ugly rumors (I am in the Navy, living in Navy housing, and you cannot fathom the about of gossiping that takes place).

Bottom line, what will you gain? Don't forget to consider the adverse effects.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've ordered the book "How God Can And Will Restore Your Marriage" from RestoreMinistries and Erin says on there that we are NOT to talk to anyone about our husband's sins (adultery). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, that contradicts what the Bible says. Look at Matthew 18:15-17. When did God give the authors the news that He had changed His mind?

I think Harley is right. If an affair is ongoing, telling is one of the best strategies to use to bring it to an end. like any strategy, it is not foolproof, so pray about it, and listen for an answer. The Bible is pretty clear, though, and Harley's suggestions are compatible with what the Bible says. If God informs you you should do otherwise in your particular case, I would be VERY surprised.

My mom is part of restore ministries. And when my dad was alive he and mom restored 100's of marriages.

I don't think you should 'expose' to everyone. I don't see the benefit. I do however think that talking with your Pastor about the situation and having WS talk to Pastor is ok and to constitutes exposure. In time I think it will come out and maybe by what you both learn you can help others. But to expose to lift the veil of secrecy I respectfully disagree. I always said "I don't do domestics" It is none of my business what goes on in someone's marriage (to an extent...if abuse is proven then I think I need to help protect or find a way to reach out to the victim). Despite what I'm going through...bottom line is that I love my spouse...love is a commitment not a feeling.

I think immediate family has a right to know, they will know something is wrong and it would be better that they not wonder what. Of course the wayward spouse wants to keep it a secret, IMO the WW spouse should have thought of that before the A.

If the A is completely over, why expose? That will just humiliate your spouse needlessly, or at least in my opinion. I told my wife that only she could choose who we would tell, and that paid big dividends for me.

If an A is ongoing and you are trying to snap him out of it, then exposing should be an option.

agree - when the A is over, then there's no point in exposing. However, if it's still ongoing, then I would certainly talk to people about it - maybe not straight away, but after a while. Start with family.

It's one of many measures which will help. In my situation, I only started talking to people about it after nearly 18 months of plan A. In hindsight, talking to people about it would have been better for 2 reasons - 1) it would put additional realism into the loverbirds's life, 2) people could actually help me and commiserate with me (instead, I carried the burden all on my own)

Okay, if the WS is repentent and the A is over, there is no need to bring it up to anyone, except your counselor, pastor, or whomever it is that is helping you get through this.

That being said, if the A is ongoing, EXPOSE IT! Okay, you dont need a full page ad in the Washington Post. But, immediate family, friends, and ESPECIALLY the church, are all a good start. Also, the OPs family and friends are in the mix also.

Now, you bring up embarassment of your WH in church. Well, first of all, this is what church is for. We can all worship God on our own. Why come together? To build each other up. To edify. Now, there is a problem with a brother or sister (in this case, your spouse). The right place to bring this up is the church. Embarassing? Sure. But if the affair is going on, as was stated above, the zing will be taken out of it the moment it hits the light of day. Read this website. The Harleys show time and time again that once it is exposed, it is like you started a timer towards the end of the affair.

While I was deployed, my wife's affair was in full swing. When I came back, and exposed it, first to her, it was the beginning of the end for them. Sure I started with her. But when she wouldnt budge on ending it, I went to our pastor and to counseling (like Steve Harley). She wouldnt listen to them either. So, I told my family and her family. I talked twice directly to the OM. As she continued in this adultery, and even moved out into her own place to keep it going, I exposed it to friends. After awhile, I had no problem telling anyone who would ask, what my wife was upto.

Now, has that created problems? Sure. You see, even while I was gone and the A was on, my wife was going to church (but was attending a new one so she could take the OM, who is a heathen). But as soon as the affair was revealed to the church (our church) and I also told her I was going to reveal it to her new church, guess what? She stopped going...and began to make nasty comments about God, and Him allowing her to be in this place.

I have to tell you, the surprise of my life happened this last week. While I was away on training, my wife took my mother (who she was angry at during all of this because she and my brothers were behind getting all of the intel on the affair while I was in Bosnia) and they went to church together, to our old church. Where everything had been exposed. She told me the night before that she was going. She was a little scared what people would do or say. But she was going.

You know what? Everyone there (and they all knew by now what she had been upto) ran up to her, hugged her, and told her how much they missed her.

Since that Sunday, my wife has opened a tape series from our old church in New Mexico on relationships. She has her Bible out. She has talked to me the last few days about marriage, and how she has failed, how she lost sight of what it was really about. Miraculous changes!

But it all started with an escalation of revelation. First I took it to her. If she had repented right there, then that is it. It needs not go any further. Next, the church. Take it to the pastor, who can talk to her, or send the deacons or elders to talk to her. That doesnt do any good, then take it before the church. Tell her parents, her siblings. Her close friends (most probably already know though). Tell the kids the truth (do not trash him or her...just be matter of fact, and let the kids know what God's standard is and that you still love your spouse, even though they are not following God's will).

Shoot, I already had a plan to have about 100 friends and church goers stand outside the OMS business that he runs and picket it, exposing the A even further. Okay, that might have been extreme, but in my case, the one thing that the OM loves more than anything is his money and his job...and this would have hit him where it hurt.

While it is in secret, the A is nothing but a fantasy. As my wife goes through recovery, each day, she comes up with a new revelation. Okay, for us "sane" people, it seems like a "no duh." But remember, reality for them was altered during the affair. Reality once it has been exposed hurts. But it is that pain that refines them, that gets them stronger. It is that pain that will ultimately lead them back to who they were, and who they should be.

Just like my wife did last week. Expose it. Do so gradually...but expose it if the A is still going on.

In His arms.

Well, his A is not over. They are as happy as can be (which I KNOW is not true). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I haven't personally exposed his A but everyone already knows. Sometimes it seems that he is not even ashamed of what he has done. Then again, he doesn't consider it an affair since he didn't officially start seeing OW 'til after he left me. He's afraid to come near MY relatives but one day showed up at a Church activity (day at the park playing volleyball) with OW!!! He even introduced her to some of them as his GF!! Can you believe the NERVE of this man?!?!

I haven't said a single bad thing about him to anyone. I have my few close friends that I do share stuff with but not just anyone will hear my story. I really don't think it's anyone's business. People already gossip and I sure don't like to be their topic. I know I shouldn't be ashamed of anything, since I'm not the one cheating but how can you not?

Well, you all gave me some good opinions on exposing and not exposing. But I still think I go for NOT exposing.

I have read the verse in the bible where God says to confront and if they don't listen to confess to a few people and if they still don't listen to take it to the church. Our whole church already knows and that hasn't helped any (as I said above). Seems like nothing will get him out of this FOG. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I only read the first couple of posts, so forgive me if I'm a bit redundant. I have VERY strong opinons about this.

First things first. My H actually left me for the OW in my eighth month of pregnancy, so letting my family and his family know that things weren't great between us was inevitable. Seeing as though he talked about moving in with and marrying OW, letting them know that things may change permanently seemed better than suprising everyone.

But I think revealing the A to those closest to us had definite advantages. No. 1, I didn't have to go it alone. I had an immediate support system which I desperately needed. I was extremely pregnant and felt very suicidal at times.

It also helped H and OW see the "reality" of what they were actually doing. It messed up the whole fantasy vibe they had going on. All of a sudden, he was faced with the realities of telling the children they would have a new step-mother, bringing OW to holiday dinners, birthday parties, paying child support, alimony and how those financial obligations would affect his life with OW, not to mention taking on two more children that OW shared with someone else. She was faced with having to look his family in the eye, deal with the unbreakable bond of the children my H and I shared (it would never be "just the two of them" as it had been during the A).

Revealing the A forced the both of them to ask themselves if this is what they really wanted and if this way the way they wanted it. It became REAL. As real as the life he had with me.

Ultimately, he didn't want it and neither did she (even though she recently began showing her [censored] later). With all the Bull$hit out of the way, he was able to take a more comprehensive look at what he was giving up and why. This is when the fog began to lift for the both of them but primarily my H. When he had no place else to turn but the mirror, he didn't like what he saw. At that point I was very close to not taking him back and he was feeling the pressure.