Well, it has been a learning experience. We are working on over 4 months of recovery. It has been a challenge, to say the least. And there are times where I wonder whether I should have chosen a different path. I know my wife feels the same way.
As I go through this, I will keep posting here for a couple of reasons. First, you all seem to keep me straight. I need that. Second, I want everyone to be able to look at my history here, and maybe learn from my mistakes...and my accomplishments. While I am good at giving advice, it seems that I am not always so good at taking it myself. I am hoping that the struggle that I have gone through, and now my wife is going through with me, will help someone out there put their marriage back together also.
Okay...the update.
Things seem to be going reasonably well. O nthe positive side, my wife has started to engage my family again. that us HUGE because if you go back to my posts, you know that my family was behind uncovering the affair while I was in Bosnia, and my wife has been VERY angry about that. My wife has been in contact with my mother a lot, even going to church with her two Sundays ago. My wife went over to my Mom's house the other day, when most of my brothers and their wives were there. She really seems to be letting the anger go.
She has also gotten back into her spiritual side. She has broken out her Bible again She is going to church (our old church, which is a miracle because she knows that I had brought her infidelity before that church and EVERYONE there knows). She is studying on tape a series by our old pastor in New Mexico (a GREAT series on relationships...go to
Calvary Chapel of Albuquerque ). She is reading like crazy about marriage. she wants us to go to the Marriage Builders weekend in September in Orlando.
She has started initiating a more intimate side to her. she is now kissing me more passionately. She has said she is frustrated that we dont have a sex life yet (more on that below), but that she wants to build our relationship first. So, the ice definitely seems to be thawing.
She seems confused sometimes. She will say something, like when watching TV, about some couple for example, that is having problems or someone wants to leave. And she'll say "What is their problem? What ever happened to marriage vows?" And people..she means it! I look dumbfounded at her. Huh? This is the same woman that carried on an affair for a year and a half. And now she doesnt understand how or why people dont live up to their vows? Now, dont get on my case people. she caught herself after she said this too. It is just kind of funny to see someone come out of the fog, start acting like their old selves, and are EXTREMELY confused on why they ever did what they did. In some ways, to my wife, it is almost as if what she did is being made up by me or others. That it didnt really happen. I mean, the Mrs. MM that everyone knew was not capable of doing such a thing. And now that she is regaining herself, it is hard for her to believe that she did so.
She has begun apologizing for things. She admitted two weeks ago that she has finally understood the pain she has caused me and how much hurt I have had. Well, to us in reality, it sounds crazy. but I have learned, and this verifies this, that the fog will cause you to lose all perspective. She really had no idea at the time that she was hurting anyone. she is now seeing the truth though. She has begun apologizing for some of the things that she did to our relationship that led up to the affair. Finances being one. Just last week, she had screwed up our bank accounts by spending way too much while I wa out of town. I came back to a mess. It almost started a huge argument, because this was a trigger on how and why I had pulled back from her in the past.
But our conversation yesterday is typical of how things are going. Because it is a great illustration on how recovery is going, I will relay it here.
I started off asking why the finances were so out of whack. she began to defend herself, when all I was asking for was information. As she did so, I found out that things were even worse than I thought (I thought she had overspent by $400, when in fact, she had overspent by close to $1000!). So, the trigger in place, I started to get mad and sort of go off on her. She immediately got up and went to the gym.
While she was gone, I sat and thought about things. I was blaming her but I was the only one with access to my account (we havent rejoined our accounts yet) so anything she had done, I had basically allowed it. So, I was partially to blame for the problem. Well, it seems that my wife was thinking the same stuff while she was gone. She listened to the tapes I mentioned above, on the way to and from the gym. She came home, and immediately apologizing to me for the mess she made, and for the times she went off on me for our financial situation in the past (she blamed me exclusively, even though I make a VERY GOOD living).
Well, I had wanted to apologize to her for me going off, and my part in the mess. So, we poured a glass of wine, went upstairs to our room, and had a discussion we admitted where the problem has been financially. How things have gotten out of whack sometimes. But the most important thing was what I pointed out to her at the end of the discussion.
I pointed out to her that before the affair, our conversation would have never led to this. We would have never apologized. Either there would be a big fight, or both of us would just be quiet, and silently blame the other. But now we were talking, and thinking about our responsibilities in all of this. That led to an entirely different outcome. That is why I pointed this out to her…that things have changed. That our way of dealing with each other has changed. She agreed.
We still have problems. No sex for the last 4 months to start with. She just isnt ready, although in the last week, she has shown signs that the anger is abating and that she is starting to be more affectionate. As some of you know, my top ENs are SF, affection and admiration. While I have been upset about the lack of SF, lately I have been less so because she has started meeting the other two. And as crazy as it might sound (sarcastic), the meeting of these ENs and the subsequent backing off on SF, has actually started making SF more probable. Her top three ENs are financial security (which she started her nursing career Monday and that has helped her feel more secure!), affection and SF. So, some very positive things here.
I guess if I had to say anything is that in recovery, especially early on…don't expect much the WS still has a lot to work through. And the BS has a lot of anger that they would just love to lower the boom on the BS. Very counterproductive. But, if you both will just cut each other a break, stay the course, then the anger will subside. And with that, then the other person can begin to trust. And with that trust, will come understanding and a beginning to work on moving forward.
All amazing to me. I am watching my wife return. The one I married and the one I used to know. But even though it is mostly her, I also have seen some changes. A more humbleness to her. She is a lot less likely to look at others and their problems and compare herself. Now, she just says "there but for the grace of God go I." She is learning what it is going to take to really do this right. And so am I.
So, we'll take another day today It is my oldest son's 11th birthday today and we are all headed out to dinner tonight If you would have asked me 6 months ago that we would be here together as a family, I would have given you a snow ball's chance in Hades. But, the principles of relationships, of affairs, the MB principles, have all been born out in our situation.
I just hope each and every one of you can have the same results
In His arms.
