WH is not seeing any ow. WH enjoys seeing me and kids and spending time with us. WH offers that we can live at his apartment, but I have no key... well I did say I do not want to live there.

Side note -Our home- in my parents name due to credit issues wh and I have - me due to bailing wh out of his situations, and being a classic codependent - putting others needs ahead of my own with my credit report- btw currently changing this.... SOOOO.... WH does not want to live in house owned by my family due to PRIDE and EGO, the man is from Georgia, big talk, less do.

Anyway, still have hope, but starting to think of NC as far as the dates, family time, etc. and maybe limit to kid exchanges and counseling sessions since the sessions help and wh does not go alone, although asked to and says he MIGHT...???

Anyway, he seems ok not paying much to me and the kids, - job situation still bad for him- but should/could improve... BUT, me, BS, the wife is not one bit ok with being married and living apart - not to mention this is 22 and 1/2 months into this game and we have been in wkly counseling since october of 2002.

What are your opinions/thoughts/ suggestions?
Feedback much appreciated. He is acting better than in quite a while, but still not up to husband level of satisfaction/ or commitment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I cannot be married and live apart and have him have a seperate life , even if he is -faithful- and working on improving things.... WH seems to think when he gets his credit straighted out, which could be a very long time.... he could outright buy us a home and we could live there???? EGO??? BTW- we get all equity in home when we/ or I if we D put the home in our/my name... this is another good reason to keep it this way just in case we D.

Thanks, H

Honey - I know you must cringe everytime I post to you - but I just cannot help myself - I just read that I think - ok now basically what I think you are saying is enough all ready - you want a normal life - though he isn't seeing anyone - he is still having a single life and stringing along his family when it is convenient for him... I think you try to shoulder alot of the blame and try to make excuses for him - because he is angry you are living in a house owned by your parents (well thank god because if not where would you be living) - and I just think that is a cop out..The simple fact is that if he wanted to be married and be a good husband and a good father - then 1 - he would find a job - even if it was at McDonalds (screw his ego) - he would give you the money to raise the children - and you would all be living together... Plain and simple - no extenuating circumstances... I mean the simple truth is that really their is nothing holding him back from doing this except himself...though of course he is throwing the blame back to you - and as one codependent person to the next you are accepting alot of the blame - because you just want to please everyone - well everyone that is except yourself... You have given almost 2 years of your life to something that keeps going back and forth - good to bad - bad to good - etc... You need to become selfish you need to think about what you want and what you need..... Of course I can say this but doing it - I know from experience is much harder to accomplish... I just think that no matter how hard you try or for so long - that you are not going to be able to change him - he has to be able to that himself - he has to crash and burn - be it by drinking, hanging with bad people etc... He has to hit bottom to realize what he is actually loosing... I don't think he realizes all that he will be loosing because you are sitting in the wings waiting for him - and I know that you love him and I know that you want it to work - but the simple fact is - right now it is broken and it is gonna take two people to really fix it... Good Luck - and I hope I didn't offend you ...

Thanks Maw -

No offense. Truth is, I love my family, but yes- it is a broken up family thanks for ws. I have been willing to bend and bend and bend to save this M. Is WS bending as much as me? NO.

I am tired, I do deserve better, and despite my love for him- I will not allow this lack of respect to continue.... that should be the cure all. ME saying NO MORE.

It is hard to say I am willing to lose a half way family for an incomplete family... but maybe it is the same. I will just have less support by plan bing him, because now he is somewhat supportive of me... but he tears my heart up by not being a 100% h.

I don't want a 50% h, even a faithful 50% who lives at an apartment, who would let me live there in his poverished environment.

Now, my situation is worse with the alcholism, but my h is a functional A, so he likely will not hit total rock bottom EVER, at least like some alcoholics. His life is a dissapointment even to him, but he gets by, and that seems ok by him.

I am sad that he just doesn't get what is wrong, but maybe crash and burn is the true test. I hate to push him further with no/less contact.

I told him today I may have to go to NContact if he does not make a commitment to living with his family and being a truly committed h and father.

Well, he said that would mean you would not see me on my birthday???? I guess it might hit him one way or another.

Thanks for being here, L

Honey,

You posted this in your sig line quite a while ago.
<strong>"No contact with WS initiated by me, I am limiting contact with him unless he is very committed to reconciliation."</strong>

I don't mean to be pessimistic, but I think you could take your posts from the last thread...and the last thread...and the thread before that... and just copy and paste them here. You have been spinning your wheels in the mud for months.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...and being a classic codependent...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this could be the problem. Codependent: Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior.

This fits you to a tee. You seem to be as emotionally and psychologically addicted to him as he is addicted to his alcohol. Until you can break loose of your dependencies of your WH you will never...and I say "never" be able to Plan B. He will never take you seriously because he knows your weaknesses. You will ultimately cave in before he does and he knows it.

Copy and paste. See ya next month. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

ba109

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 08:26 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

Honey,

One last thing then I'll leave you alone.

The title of your thread is indicative of your mindset in this whole matter.

<strong>"Starting to Consider"</strong>

You've been starting to consider changes for months. Consider and start already! There is no little Plan B and big Plan B. You either do it or you don't. NC means just that. Cut him off with the exception of parental rights. That should be the only contact that you have with the WH. Until you can do that,you might as well copy and paste.

He is content with his life just the way it is and your continued tentativeness to play rough is not going to fix your M.

jmho
ba109

Hi Honey,

Our timelines have been similar - nearly 2 years of this messiness. Similar current situations - spouses who are living alone, wanting to believe they still "have a choice to make", living like we're "still there" for them. Is it because of contact with them, that they think that way? I don't know - in my W's case, I've seen her take NC "in stride" and feel it's okay - "JR can do whatever he wants - I've got MY decision to make."

Well, I'm at the point of ending her "decision making" process myself. When you're ready for that yourself, you'll know. Detaching from them is good... I think you'll know you're succeeding in that when thoughts of the H or W turn from an emotional rollercoaster to more of a "whatever!" attitude. Doesn't mean we're cold or uncaring - just prepared to take care of ourselves, protect our future, give *ourselves* the gift of closure. Sounds like you're getting there.

Stay strong!

JR,

Thanks for your post to me, it is a welcome response - I am happy to hear from someone who understands the fence sitting... it is truly making me miserable.

I am trying to decide if I go to no contact on sept. 15 or oct 15 myself... LIkely it will be one of the hardest things I ever do- because I love my family and we spend lots of family time together now, but I am constantly yo yoed by the lack of total commitment to the M.

My husband actually typed up a LONG version of a reconciliation agreement for me with No Contact included if we do not live together in 6 wks, by my asking for it.

D day for me was sept 15, 2001.

Well... I have a 4 year old screaming for food, so duty calls... but we are all very confused by this yo yo of whether or not to be a family... it hurts a lot.

Unfortunatley ws had a lot of requests for his new life/ fishing on a new seperate waterside lot and house that he wants to buy, included in reconciliation and a lot of his own money.... Financial trouble is part of the package here, so I do not understand why he needs this right now.... and time apart from me when we should be rebuilding?- He says I am welcome to fish with him, and that is all fine and dandy, but his lack of priority to the family is my concern and that he is so concerned with getting a little waterfront lot with a condition of reconciliation...-WHATEVER?

I do want him to have a life and hobbies etc., but not that coinside with fishing spots he has been to during the A with buddies who support his current way of life. Maybe a new fishing spot non Affair related, I think I would be sick at a new spot he found during his seperate life!!

Gotta feed my son...he wants breakfast and is 4!- Thanks for the kind response, it made my morning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> YES, I am getting to the end point as well.

I am glad you are too. They have to be a family or not, there is not a part time spouse position open here, it is full time, right? ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for being here, H

PS, BA - If you read, I can see your point and understand it, but you are quite blunt and sometimes a little uncaring in the way you word your posts. I know that is your personality/writing style - but it does not take the sting out of HOW you say your comments. I do see your point, and appreciate your opinion, but request you try a kinder format when you reply to me... others might even appreciate it too. It has been a long saga, and perhaps I am too patient, but I have rebuilt a lot from the mess I started in.. but NOW, I cannot be hurt by a part time marriage which is what this has developed into. My h still runs away from responsibility and values his fun perhaps more than his family- and why not? I let him, right? I let him have me and the kids most all wkends now and much of the week without living with us..dinners, fun outing, etc.- I even let him in my home lately for his own convenience, but am I allowed in his alone- NO? THis is going to change..... I have bent over backwards to save my M, and my hard work has improved the situation.. but my mental sanity is going to backslide if I do not get some real stability in the relationship department soon, even if the stability is we are not together. Everyone must go through life on their own time frame. I have 20 years in this relationship, and I love my H.. but he cannot hurt me continually - I wanted to do all I could, and I feel I am getting to that point. He, WS, Cannot continue to run away from me when there is an unpleasant conversation or just things he cannot deal with/ and then have me when he feels like it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks,H

<small>[ July 27, 2003, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Hi Again JR,

I had to go back and reread your thread/ thanks again KINDLY! - YSon has had hotdogs for breakfast... now this is not the normal fare, but it is almost lunch time. I did have my canadian bacon and eggs- working on high protein- as I have gained weight under stress.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and I am less appealing to me and my h with extra pounds. I am a size 8/10 not terribly obese or anything but compared to my lifetime skinniness it is not the same.

I have even been out mowing the yard, which WS told me he would do yesterday when he was here....

Anyway- I reread your thread and liked your tagline stating the obvious issues within a person when they cheat... THANK you for reminding me. It just hurts so much to not have your best friend there for you... but then again my best friend is not turning out to be much of one lately.

On my way to church service, that should help my perspective as well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugs and Hope to you, Honey