I wonder how many of you did plan B and how it fared?

I have known about my H's affair and resulting OC for more than two years.

After 3 therapists, including Steve Harley, Steve advised me to seek legal separation from H since he was seeing OC against my wishes, still having some contact with OW, even if not sexual, etc, and not protecting me. I grew to hate him and STeve said it was time for plan B. Prior to plan B, I offered many times to ask H, per STeve's advice, that I would stop legal separation if he would only put OW and OC on hold while we worked on us and figure out what to do together. He refused.

So separation occurred, and we have been living apart for 3 months or so.

We have faced each other in court, gone to mediation related to visitation of our kids, etc. I had to force him out of our home via court, otherwise he wouldn't leave.

Now he thinks I made it an adversarial relationship since I filed for legal separation and sough CS for my children. Keep in mind he is already paying huge CS for the OC. He refuses to consider any reconciliation with me unless he maintains contact with OC. He never brings it up.

He is now looking for a more acceptable place to live to bring our children to his home. He acts as if all is fine. But gets angry at me about court issues.

School is coming up soon- I now have to hire more childcare since H is not in home. He is unhappy at that.Wanted to do the childcare in my(our home) despite being legally separated. I told him no.

I have had a few sessions with Steve since we separated, and kept him up to date-- now we are at a stalemate.

What plan B has done for me is make me more like I was-not a doormate for H's selfish ways, and feel more like the woman and mother I can be. I am happier, and healthier. So, it has accomplished that.

But I am starting to finally miss H-and wish he would consider some of my options to try and reconcile-he won't. Has made no overtures to do so , but wants to tell kids "I pushed him out of house". He refuses to accept responsibility for his actions which caused legal separation. He is economically hurting, but it doesn't seem to phase him. We are both losing money living apart and me paying all household bills.

I wonder if this plan B is worth it all-my kids have had to suffer from the separation, and I think ultimate divorce. My H makes no movement toward divorce, but no movement to get back together again.

I don't see him having a affair like relationship with OW now or again, but he still cares for her. I want her as far away as possible from him and my family.

I am intending to discuss my status with Steve Harley,b ut I wonder how many of you have plan B'ed with success--ie. the WS returns to BS? And what do you think of my plan B?

any thoughts will be appreciated.

I am curious since you are in Plan B and it sounds like you and he have a lot of contact. I am I wrong?

You really ought to come up with a pat answer to your H that you use every time he brings up that you made it adversarial. Actually in my case I used to send my ex-H emails to address situations like this. “I did not make this an adversarial situation. You have had an affair, a child outside of our marriage and you continue your contact with the OC and the OW. This tells me that you are not willing to take care of my needs and concerns and needs. You still put her and her child in front me and oru children. I have no choice but to file for divorce. I have to protect my self and our children. You are the one who forced my hand. If you choose to be angry over the court issues and filling your financial and other responsibilities to our children and me then it is your problem and not mine.”

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">School is coming up soon- I now have to hire more childcare since H is not in home. He is unhappy at that. Wanted to do the childcare in my(our home) despite being legally separated. I told him no.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stick to your guns on this one. Would he allow you free reign in his home? I think not. Too bad that he does not like it.. It’s a situation that he caused. I’d remind him of that every time he brings it up too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What plan B has done for me is make me more like I was-not a doormat for H's selfish ways, and feel more like the woman and mother I can be. I am happier, and healthier. So, it has accomplished that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is what plan be is about… it’s about you. It’s about helping you heal and letting the love you have for our husband die slowly and in a healthy way. And if your H is lucky, when he comes to his senses, you will still be available. At this point there is no guarantee of that. There is a huge world out there. Start taking care of yourself and exploring it. (I am not suggesting yet that you date.) And nothing will make you more attractive to your H then if you start to get more independent.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I am starting to finally miss H-and wish he would consider some of my options to try and reconcile-he won't. Has made no overtures to do so , but wants to tell kids "I pushed him out of house". He refuses to accept responsibility for his actions which caused legal separation. He is economically hurting, but it doesn't seem to phase him. We are both losing money living apart and me paying all household bills. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did not mention the ages of your children or if they are aware of the OC and the OW. I would tell the children exactly what went down… “your dad was and perhaps is still having an affair with another. Two years ago they had a children. I have asked him to end all contact with the OW and the OC but he refuses. I told him that his choices were to remain here with us and give them up or leave. It would be wrong if I stayed married to him and let him continue his affair. It is an abuse of me and I do not want my children to learn that it is ok to hurt your family this way. This is what happens when a man or a woman has an affair and refuses to work on a marriage. The marriage must end. He chose to leave. To this day I wish he would return to us and rebuild our family.”

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wonder if this plan B is worth it all-my kids have had to suffer from the separation, and I think ultimate divorce. My H makes no movement toward divorce, but no movement to get back together again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And if you do not do this what are you teaching your children? You are teaching them that marriage means nothing. That it is ok to disrespect and abuse you. Your children will grow up to have little respect for you. Please do not tell me that you are willing to have a marriage in which your needs are not really considered. What are you thinking?

If you are doing Plan B only for the purpose of manipulating your husband that you are using it the wrong way. It is not a manipulation. It is a way for you to protect yourself. Then if he comes back and you still want him he is lucky.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And what do you think of my plan B?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you may be having too much contact with your H. I could be wrong but it really does not sound like a plan B. How often do you see him and talk to him? All contact should be between your attorney and his for the legal issues. And for the children there should be someone who is the intermediary. If that is not possible then email is a good way to end all personal contact between you two.

I think that your H is holding out thinking that you cannot live without him. He will be darned if you are going to tell him if he can have an affair, an friendship with the OW and contact with the OC. And he thinks that you are going to give up this stupid Plan B/separation thing and ask him back. So he has no need to make any changes. AT this point I think he may be right.

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

Zorweb,

thanks for your response. You make excellent points, but I think I am doing a plan B.

My children are under age 10. They do not know of A or OC. I think that unless we have contact, they need not know. Of course my H thinks differently, and I think it is because it would be easier for him. I said no. But I came to find out the place he is renting he found out from a referral from OW-a friend of hers is landlord.When I found that out, I forbid him to take our children anywhere near his place or her friends, and it is now in a court document. He was angry, but I cared less.What I care about is welfare of children.

Despite not knowing of A and oC, I have told my kids much of what you have said, at least a version of it-that their father has hurt me, that he must do some things to be able to come home, and that right now he chooses not to.That I would like nothing more than we be a family again, but unless their father does some things, it cannot be.

I do see H for exchanges with kids. We have no family in area and few people know of our situation. "Right now he picks up kids for visitation and we have minimal conversation.Sometimes I don't even see him. WE do discuss child's activities and events via email-nothing more.

At this point, all our legal contact has been in court and with court ordered mediator since we have young chidren. He did not agree to nearly anything in mediation, until the mediator and I agreed all issues should be taken to judge. Then H agreed with some of my stipulations-namely, moving to more neutral location and no visits by my kids in his present home. He is angry about this, but following the court order.

I think I am doing plan B for me, and I know by being away from him, I am happier and healthier.But seeing my young kids in a broken home kills me, and they pray nightly H will return home. Daughter actually thought I did not want him home- I told her I would want nothing more than to be a whole family again, but her father won't make necessary changes.

I don't want my daughter to think this marriage is what a marriage should be-and H just thinks the issue between us is the contact with OC one. It is not. I am tired of being abused and disrespected by H, and not cared about in a way I want.
that is why I went to plan B.

But I still wonder, will H ever see that he loses me in the process- at this juncture, I think he is getting used to being alone. He has no friends, except OC, and no family here either.

Now he doesn;t have us, except kids for visitation.

Now, what do you think, Zorweb?

I have told him exactly what you have said-that he is responsible for the legal separation, his behavior, the A, the OC , and continued contact with OW and OC.That he failed to keep me safe, secure, and protected from pain from him and that is why we are separated. I more or less have said that a thousand times to him-I don't think he gets it yet. He just thinks I am being vindictive.