"Bump"

a friendly bump, because I'm curious what the others will say.

shameless bump!

Hi girl , I know you are waiting on someone with really good insite . But before I post my last thread on MB I wanted to respond to you , since I was one of the first to do so since you came here . First this response may have NOTHING to DO with MB princepals at all JMVHO !

I thought your letter was wonderful and I don't care that you are supposed to be in PLAN B LOL

It made me cry at every moment and your H would be some selfish brain dead A$$ to not have any feeling of that (FOG OR NOT )

I do think you should take the kids there to meet , I think you should get there at the same time outside . I think you should explain (very fast ) that you are not staying . You are stopping in and saying HI to all very fast and need to go . If asked why , a brief explanation of ---- H I realized while writing you that letter that your life has changed and does not include me , as much as I would want it to I can't be around an inverment that shows us as a family when that is not my reality that I need to face now , it simpley hurts to much .

maybe in time I will be use to it , although I dought it I will have to try if that is your desire to never be together again .

Then give a hug and go inside and kiss all and leave say you can't stay just dropping kids off for H and will catch up to them soon .

That is JMVHO .

If the WS if coming out of fog (IMO) then I think it just helps them to see the sad reality that they have convinced the BS that its time to move on by there request . You showed and told the way back now you show the reality that you are sad by it but by his REQUEST you need to move on from it , but you are human and it will take time to be in that type of setting .

I don't belive in the total avoiding thing , I think they need that glimpse of the BS once in awhile for the sadness and for the memories .

All again JMVHO , I wish you all the luck in the world . If your H should come to his senses and want to restore your M with you I wish you all the love in the world to come out of this with a new and healthier M .

If you are to go on with out him , I wish you the same , a life filed with a new inner growth and much love to your children always keeping in mind that you are worth all that is good and so are they . I am so happy for you that your OLDER found his way BACK ! See the path you left for him , he did choose to follow . Tough love works sometimes . BE well .

3,
Thanks for your reply. I have some catching up to do, what's this about your last post to MB?
I'll check out your thread.
I really like your suggestion, I may do exactly that!!
I hope all is well with you, Recovery? Still Ok?
Thanks again, your friendship here has been a godsend! Hope you'll stick around.

I ended up meeting WH halfway to drop off D, she was the only one who went. 12yr.old S did not want to go! No Surprise there.
I had very little to say at drop off, or when he arrived at the house to bring her home last night. He said, "I think she is happy to be home", and he said it more than once.
All the boys were home, woodstove going, spaghetti sauce cooking, dog greets him enthusiastically, boys don't even get up. He went in and said hi to them, and then it was, well, see ya. I said, see ya. and that was it.

What goes through his head at times like this? He's leaving his family, facing a 3 hr. lng ride back, alone, to what? A lonely bachelor apt.
Is she that good, that we were worth the trade?
Was there really nothing good enough in me to love that his only option was to leave? When I start to go there, it really brings me down. With the holidays approaching, and struggling financially on top of it, I really find myself on a down slide of emotions.
I really have to work hard at facing each day with a good attitude, it is a struggle.

Shugah - I know it's hard for you, and it's even harder on him. Remember, he's NOT your problem right now. Whatever's going through his head is HIS to deal with. What's yours to deal with is your family and keeping them strong.

And why, by the way, is he allowed into the house? He can see your daughter to the door from the street, can't he? Remember, Plan B is about YOU and YOUR PROTECTION. Create a safe space for yourself.

Hi Shugah:

It depends where you are now about your marriage. But I'll throw in that it was important for my FWH not to see me during my short period of a strict PLAN B. You guys remember how I failed. But he tells me now how he missed seeing me regardless of how much he did not want to miss me. He missed me especially when he was held captive with her. He remembered me that I was during my PLAN A. So you might want to think about him having to miss out getting a taste of the comforts of home. Just that brief period of time in your house might enable him in continuing his A. He knows that his home is still there waiting for him and he can think about that setting to relieve him when he is feeling pained about being with her. JUST A THOUGHT!!

REMEMBER. GO DARK????

I for one and I may be standing alone LOL , thinks its great that he got the glimpse in the door ........Fire going, kids all together, smell of the sauce on a SUNDAY ,,,,,,,,

Would have sent my FWS home crying in the car (and it did on several times )

I think that peek of the good old FAMILY life is the dose he needs to keep him thinking in that state of mind . Questioning his choice getting ready to come out of fog , confusing himself more ,, thinking about the way back .

JUST a glimpse every so often not all the time and NEVER to sit in it to have it unless he wants it all . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You stay the course do not CALL at all now . NOT at all .

He will be seeing what he lost , it just can't get to the point of fighting thats when he won't see it that way .. calm , and cool , as life is going on and his family is together but he is not included .

Don't want to sound like get your hopes up , I just think the DRAMA of all the stuff had to calm down in order for him to start seeing anything .

The calmer I was the closer me and my kids became the more I went on as a family right in front of him the WIDER the eyes opened the more scared he got that he better get back before the DOOR closed forever .

"TIME" is a powerful thing and a Powerful word with so much meaning . It makes all the difference on both ends . BTW what about that new "FREIND" you mentioned some time ago?

Just J, Mimi and 3,
I've been around, sorry the late response back.
All good points about Plan B, it's obvious that I have not been in a good PB for sometime.
After the intense drama of the Protection Order, I just felt that some things needed to be turned around and a calmer attitude was necessary as it would only affect the kids more. Communication with WH seemed to improve and all evidence of the extreme anger and frustration has dissipated. It was not Plan B. It was more like a Plan C=Calm things down.
However, I also began to read more into the attitude change of WH than was actually there and slightly let my hopes rise.
R talk would occur at times, and he would say, "I don't think it would work if I came home". I see that better than "there is no way I would ever come home", as I saw it as a sign that he thinks about it, but certainly it is nothing major.
Finally last night, I stopped by his apt. on my home from short home state visit. We talked at the kitchen table for over an hour. Basically, he said this, "if I were to give up this A and came home and we didn't make it, then I would have nothing". My response, you're right, but if you fight for your family, you might win it back, and if you don't fight for it, you will eventually end up with nothing anyways.
He said, "I know the door is still open..."
This of course, the downside of not doing a good Plan B, he KNOWS, I want him and I have not moved on....
So I said, well, WH, that's really why I'm here, I need to close that door now, I can't go on like this, I have options and I'd like to explore them, I just don't want either of us to have any regrets...I need to know that I let you know how I feel one more time, before I begin to shut down my love for you...
Of course most of this was emotional at times, and frustrating, as WH is not so good at communicating his feelings....
He called this morning to see if I made it home OK....really if that was why he called, he should have done it last night, so why the call?
See, how I try to read into things....?
Anyways, there is a "friend", it is what it is, entertainment purposes only, as I say...can't say it hasn't helped with my self-esteem, but there are many reasons why it could never be a relationship...for one, I will NOT introduce anyone to my kids for a very long time if ever....
I love my H, but it's been 11 mos.now...I need to start to heal and give myself permission to move forward without him. I also believe that a modified, aloof Plan B is what I need to do that...
The holidays will be tough, all triggers, when things started to crumble last year and then D-day 3 days before xmas. It will send a clear message if WH tries to participate on our turf and he is not welcomed...but it will be hard.
Thanks, guys for your support...I still need it, although my postings have slowed...

Shugah,

I am SO glad to see you posting. I have really been thinking about you.

I am glad you still have the entertainment in your life...self esteem is so important to a BS at this time. Glad you are keeping it in perspective.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Basically, he said this, "if I were to give up this A and came home and we didn't make it, then I would have nothing". My response, you're right, but if you fight for your family, you might win it back, and if you don't fight for it, you will eventually end up with nothing anyways. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This, from what I read and hear, is a common conern from a WS. Scared to death that they will be alone. Liked your comeback, except that he doesn't see the logic of your telling him that eventually he will end up with nothing. He doesn't know the statistics, and if he ever read them, Oh My, they would not apply to him and OW, because they are so "special."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need to close that door now, I can't go on like this, I have options and I'd like to explore them, I just don't want either of us to have any regrets...I need to know that I let you know how I feel one more time, before I begin to shut down my love for you... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some might call this emotional blackmail. I think you did a good thing. As long as your Plan B has not been truly enforced and you had the opportunity to talk to him, you might as well say these things. My only concern: he won't "hear" what you are saying because the fog has penetrated his ears as well.

Have missed you. Glad to see you posting again.

*S*

Thanks *S*,

You know, I think he does hear it...the fog just makes it longer for him to process it...

And yeah, I agree that some may think "emotional blackmail", but it is how I feel, and I want to be honest about where I'm coming from.

I don't want him to see me as some pathetic woman who thinks if I can't have him, I'll never get anyone ever again...a certain look seemed to come over his face when I mentioned "options".
He also was trying to avoid getting me "upset". I said "Wh, I've spent the last 11 mos. getting emotional, it hasn't killed me, and I always bounce back, I'm not afraid of it anymore..."
I also hinted that there are things I do too to have "a good time" and I'm not curled up in a fetal position crying over you...
But Basically, my message was this... I love you, I built a life with you, I now have to finish alone what we started together, and there is nothing fair about that, and that our family deserves more than this...and that the hard work it would take would be worth it.
But of course, in the time it takes him to "process" all of this...well, I'll probably be one withered up old woman, LOL!
So what's done is done...
just had a little chat online with "friend", life sure is full of surprises! My oh My!!

Shugah,

Somewhere...on one of the many threads on this board, I read a few FWS's say that the thing that snapped them out of the fog and back to their marriage was believing that their spouse had moved on and might even have someone else.

So...maybe talking about the options did get his attention. Might be a good thing.

We'll see.

*S*

Hi , I think you handled yourself great , nothing beats honesty . Reading that reminded me of me BEFORE MB . When FWS was out and I was done , just started getting the looks from Oppisate sex again and was asked to date , I didn't but FWS only had to know that oppertunity was knocking and I was starting to explore the "OPTIONS"

Yes it takes longer to process , and also keep in mind that OW is Divorcing (am I right?)

So there is a BIG GUILT issue going on for him .

Although unfair if he is starting to rethink comeing home , that guilt will play a part for him . That he goes back to his M and she is alone .

But I would now lock in to a PLAN B , and try to keep convo to KIDS and keep things calm and respectful.

The rest is up to him , I think its fair to say YOU hae expressed your feelings and let him know ,now its truely time FOR YOU .

Do not waste another moment in sadness , Jump in to the holidays with a new spirt , NEW start .

BAKE some cookies with the kids and go out on the weekends and live it up !!! GET that family of yours involved in babysitting and GO GO GO .

All the best , if he wants back in he will find the way .

3is...
If I've got it correctly, OW was already separated when WH met her...I would hope "guilt" on his part would not come in to play, it didn;t stop him from leaving Us!!

16 yr. S has been sick for several days, took him to Dr. today, pneumonia, 2nd child in 3 weeks!
So I stop to get prescription, end up paying full price $55. because pharmacy says our insurance has been canceled. Now I know it is just a paper work mistake, as WH IS working and this has happened before....but still frustrating. I pay the price and figure I'll get reimbursed as soon as it's straightened out.
So I'm frustrated and tired, get home and call WH to tell him and we get into a big thing about expenses again. He sounds very depressed and at wits end about the whole financial picture.
I tell him that the rat race sucks, but if you grab hold of the things that really matter in life, your childrens smiles and laughter and love, ON A DAILY BASIS, it makes it all worth while. I said all you are doing is working and sending the support and getting none of the rewards that should come with the daily grind....
He says something like, "maybe I'll just disappear", very sad sounding...
Now, part of me wanted to say, go ahead, who needs you, make sure your life insurance is paid up, you worthless....
BUT, I became overwhelmed and cying, said, "don't you disappear on me..."
He's near the bottom now...his fall has been long and slow...when will he finally crash...?
I feel the only hope for him, for us, is for him to crash and burn....and then slowly out of the ashes we can rebuild.
Will it happen soon enough?

Wondering the same thing in my own life, Shugah. I think the trick is -- don't rush in with a supply of bandaids when surgery is needed. It only slows the whole thing down.

bump

I don't have much time to post right now.

I wish Mortarman was around to share with you.

Please consider doing a strict PLAN B. It really was key the short time that I did it in my situation.

It made the OW have to meet all of his needs. She failed miserably.

It made him miss me after I did my Plan A. He said on the weekends he started missing me on Saturday evenings after having to spend such long periods of undivided time with her.

Surprisingly to me SHUGAH which might also be important in your case, he said he missed having a FAMILY. He even tried to make a FAMILY with the OW, wanting to act like a legitimate husband and father to her daughter. The OW wanted to keep their relationship narcissistic, isolated and freaky. That was a major LB with her. Seems like it may be important for him to MISS the family atmosphere but if he still gets it he will hang on to the OW. Make sense?

Also, this last time he did not go back to her because he did not want to experience my PLAN B again. He knew that I would not put up with the cake-eating.

All of these factors were extremely important in my case.

I swear to you my husband is in love with me again. He calls me constantly, he sends me flowers, he shines my shoes each morning and brings me coffee. He pulls me to him and holds me during the night.

He cannot get enough of me!

I wish this for you. My situation was awful at this time one year ago. I felt like my H hated me. He looked at me with disgust. He acted as if he did not want to be in the same room with me. He could not wait to be with her.

Try PLAN B. The MB principles have really worked for me.

Mimi,
I am so very happy for you!
I know that the MB stuff works, I guess I just figure that WH is far enough away from us, spends so little time with the kids, etc., that if he doesn't miss us by now, then what's the point?
From the depressed sound of him, I don't think that the OW is completely meeting his needs anymore, but I have no real way of knowing that.
I believe he feels himself in a hole from which there is no way out. I am scared for him.
But I won't go to his rescue, I know that it will do no good. There is nothing I can do for him anyways.
I only call him when it's necessary, and I'm backing off any chit chat when he comes to see the kids. I think the holidays will probably have some impact on him.
But time will tell, for now I just keep moving forward...trying to take care of me and kids.